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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DSS to use cutlery?

78 replies

FullmoonHalfmoonTotaleclipse · 04/12/2015 23:17

DSS is in year 8. He still uses his fingers whenever he can for eating non finger foods such as pasta in sauce or Yorkshire puddings covered in gravy (he has no additional needs precluding the use of a knife & fork).

I find this not only unpleasant to watch (as do his siblings who pick him up on it regularly) but afterwards he either wipes his fingers on his clothes, the seat cushion etc or we get stickiness/mess on the walls and door handles.

I feel embarrassed going out and about with a 12yo who constantly has food smears all over his clothing. DH doesn't seem that bothered by it but at DSS's age is it unreasonable to expect him to use cutlery and not be wiping his dirty fingers everywhere? I don't have DC of my own so am prepared to be told my expectations are too high.

OP posts:
dementedma · 05/12/2015 08:56

I am an old gimmer and remember being admonished for things like elbows on the table etc. My mother used to tell us to eat slowly and politely by saying "you're not shovelling coke into a boiler" ( as in steam trains). Tried this one on my dcs once and got blank faces all round. It all stood me in good stead though as this week I was invited to a very formal dinner - think castles and regimentals - and I was able to manage all the cutlery, courses and glassware without disgracing myself or my hosts. I even remembered to pass the port to the left! ( Thanks Downton Abbey for that one though Grin)

Silvercatowner · 05/12/2015 08:58

I would struggle with sitting at a table eating a meal with a person doing this - I would find it repulsive and vomitous. I agree with other posters who say he needs to learn to eat according to social norms. Eating is an important social ritual in our society and there are conventions that he needs to learn if he wants to fit in.

abbieanders · 05/12/2015 09:03

My parents were stickers for table manners, and I'm very grateful to them for that. I know I've never unwittingly made people wince at the dinner table, which is a great comfort.

Regarding reasonable expectations of children, my experience of teaching the smallies in primary school is that parents can underestimate what children are really capable of. I don't know how many times I was surprised by a parent telling me that their child couldn't do some thing or another. It was often something they did with ease at school. So I think it's no harm to challenge them a bit and assume they can rather than assuming they can't.

Helenluvsrob · 05/12/2015 09:16

Suggest you address part of the behaviour. Maybe he " can't stop" or has an issue with use of cutlery.

However the wiping it everywhere - that's just minging. Change his chair for a wooden one or one with a plastic covered cushion. Give him a large fabric napkin or tea towel for his lap that he can wipe hands on ( why not start ASAP with new jolly, Xmas design one that you " saw and thought it was perfect") and insist on him wet wiping hands before he leaves the table.

That will make life much less stressful and he might find that the " effort" of bothering to clean up out weighs the balance of refusing cutlery and the problem solves itself.

I'm assuming he washes his hands before he eats?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 05/12/2015 09:22

This week, serve soup for dinner.
And next week.
And the week after.
Lots of nice, different, healthy warming soups.

And if he tries to eat soup with his fingers, he will need to be super-soaked!

lljkk · 05/12/2015 09:24

DH scolds all the DC for elbows on table. They still do it. I couldn't care less about the elbows.

Teen DC screech fury at yr7 DS for using fingers during meal or simply eating with mouth open. DS still does it. We scold DS too. If anything, DS digs his heels in. The rows have nearly approached violence & still DS isn't going to change his habits soon.

Why? Who knows? DS has polite well-mannered friends who wouldn't dream of eating like that. I have been worn down over the yrs which might look like indifference, but really, I have to pace myself in this. Preventing violence is top priority.

SSargassoSea · 05/12/2015 09:40

Battle of wills/power maybe.

He is doing what he wants/can - he knows it upsets you, he knows you can't stop him.

He obviously isn't doing it with his mates. Just a performance for you.

Not sure what you can do. Ignore it I suppose. Stop washing his clothes (but that starts another battle) leave him out of your will with a clear explanation as to why Grin

abbieanders · 05/12/2015 09:49

Tell him you'll have to put a shed at the bottom of the garden for him to take his meals in so that the rest of the family won't have their meals spoiled by seeing such gross eating.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/12/2015 10:19

With your dh l would come from the angle of his future. It's a skill for life. If ye brings a girl out to dinner she will run a mile if he is a sloppy eater. R as already said at a business meal. Pick the one he is likely to be influenced by..your dh that is. It's easy to not bother now but it's not on to let him out into the world like that.

Original poster
FullmoonHalfmoonTotaleclipse · 05/12/2015 10:48

helen the teatowel for his lap is a good idea. And no, he doesn't wash his hands before he eats or even after the loo .

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2015 11:11

Is clearly says he knows how to use it so it is a skill he already has.

Penfold007 · 05/12/2015 11:24

OP does he it like this at his mother's house? I'm inclined to think it's attention seeking behaviour from a very unhappy child. Your H needs to step up and parent effectively.

Candleabras · 05/12/2015 11:39

My dear fil was a director of a company. He took on a new manager who would also be a corporate host to some important clients. Prior to the manager starting work my fil took him out to dinner. He was so appalled with his table manners he withdrew the offer.

Your DSS needs basic social skills to survive. In my house it would be no cutlery, no dinner.

SSargassoSea · 05/12/2015 11:41

I remember another thread about a DSS peeing all over the toilet seat.

I think it' just because they can. Or a power thing as I suggested above.

If their life isn't perfect then why shouldn't they piss off other people and spoil theirs?

honkinghaddock · 05/12/2015 12:02

Have you asked him why he does it?

Original poster
FullmoonHalfmoonTotaleclipse · 05/12/2015 12:29

He's not a very unhappy child, when asked he said he does it because he prefers eating with his fingers and doesn't see why he can't. Hence me wanting DH to step up and at least give him appropriate consequences (e.g do his own laundry) if he won't do as he's asked.

As for whether DSS does it as his mums, I don't know as he comes over to us each week either in school uniform or in freshly put on clothes if it's the holidays. We have different rules for different houses, I know mum is more relaxed about letting DC eat dinner on the sofa or in their rooms but I doubt she'd put up with the dirty clothes/walls etc. DH is a very relaxed parent default Disney but I don't think he's setting his DC up to be responsible young adults. It's none of my business until it affects me e.g I don't care at all what state their bedrooms are in but I do care if it creates extra work or expense or is unpleasant for others.

OP posts:
SparklyTinselTits · 05/12/2015 12:34

YANBU...at 12 years old, with no additional needs, he should definitely be using cutlery!
My DH used to have pretty bad table manners. I had to give him lessons on eating like a civilised human at the age of 24 Hmm we still have the odd slip up now and again, where I have to remind him that the long pointy implement to the right of his plate is for cutting food that is too big to fit in his mouth Hmm

BorderTerrierControl · 05/12/2015 12:41

he does it because he prefers eating with his fingers and doesn't see why he can't.

Because it's babyish, and therefore looks ridiculous in a child his age. Because it's gross for everyone else at the table. Because he smears the remains of his meal all over his clothes and the walls. Because it's basic table manners not to down cutlery and start picking up baked beans. Because you bloody well say so.

You're very patient OP. I'd be making him wear a bib and eat off a little plastic tray by now (followed by doing his own laundry and scrubbing or repainting every surface he mucks up after he eats). Grin

MonsterDeCookie · 05/12/2015 12:41

Tell him the rule is that he can't put his cutlery down until the meal is finished. It's easier for them to remember. Fork in left hand, knife in right and they stay there. You can't eat with your hands if they are holding cutlery. Ive found reminding him to do something rather than constantly saying not to do something seems to set up less confrontation. Try talking less at meals at first or he will get distracted. Reward good behavior. Don't mix finger food with cutlery meals. Yes he 'should' be able to do it but he can't so just work the behavior.

honkinghaddock · 05/12/2015 13:02

He might prefer it because he finds using cutlery difficult. I would try some easy to eat with a fork meals when he is there. Eg large pasta shapes rather than spaghetti. Make sure there is always a spoon available. If he still refuses to use cutlery then I would suspect he is being deliberately awkward.

FattyNinjaOwl · 05/12/2015 13:04

Jesus. I dont even need to remind my DD to use her spoon and fork. She even attempts to use a knife. She will be 2 on the 18th.
You definitely need to get this sorted. As pp have said, it can cause problems socially in a few years.

Usernamegone · 05/12/2015 13:49

He needs to learn that in yours and DH's house it is your rules. When he has his own house he can live by his own rules!

He does need to learn now otherwise in a few years time when he starts working and dating it will cause problems.

Can you imagine the reaction if he had a work Christmas do and sat down to eat his Christmas dinner with his fingers!

Silvercatowner · 05/12/2015 14:40

Urgh can you imagine the first time when he goes out for a meal with a new girlfriend???!

lljkk · 05/12/2015 15:59

What makes you think the lad won't find a girl with equally poor table manners?

Besides, if it's girl repellent behaviour that sounds like a good thing to me (speaking as a parent of teen boys).

Silvercatowner · 05/12/2015 17:00

"What makes you think the lad won't find a girl with equally poor table manners?"

Lol at the flirtatiously awkward small talk.....