Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drop this even though nothing can be done about it now!?

104 replies

Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 17:35

I have 3 DC. DD1 is 7 and DD2 is 4. On a Friday DD1 has a club after school meaning she needs picking up at 3.45 and DD2 still needs picking up at 3.15. Normally I just pick DD2 up and let her play on the playground for half hour while we wait for her sister.
Fridays are also my DH's day off from work. He has DS1 (10 months) at home for the day while I drop the girls at school, then go to work for 6 hours, then pick them up.
Today DD2 had an appointment at 3.30 straight after school so I told him I would pick her up and take her to that and he would have to pick up DD1 at 3.45.
I get home with DD2 and there not here, after a while I start to worry as they're getting late. They get back at 16:20. First thing DD1 says is 'Daddy was 15 mins late picking me up'.
I am fucking livid! I run myself ragged making sure this kind of thing NEVER happens to my kids. Makes my stomach turn thinking of her being the last poor little forgotten kid being taken to the office to phone her parents.
He is acting like it's no big deal! She's here, she's alive, she's safe and the teacher was fine about it. NOT THE POINT!!! He just says he thought it was 4pm. Well if he thought that then he's an idiot because he's picked them both up on Fridays before if I've needed to work later AND I clearly told him 3.45 TWICE today! Why does he have to be so fucking useless?!
I obviously can't scream and shout at him since the DC are here, so I messaged my mum to vent and she replies 'I know I got a school from the school to pick her up' (She's her emergency contact) She was just leaving when they rang to say he'd turned up.
This week he actually said to me that he wants to stay home with the kids and me go to work (I assume he meant for him to go part time and me got full time, since I DO bloody work thank you AND do every other fucking thing around here!) Ha! Joke mate! You think I'm letting you take over child care for my kids to suffer! Also feel like that just totally undermines everything I do, like it's easy. If he can't cope with one tiny pick up and do that right how would he cope with the endless school trips, charity days, swimming lessons, karate, opticians, dentist, doctors, homework . . .etc etc etc etc and the list goes on!
I really want to have a right bloody go at him after the kids go to bed, but what's the point? It won't change anything! It's happened now hasn't it?

OP posts:
TonySopranosVest · 04/12/2015 19:05

[sigh]. OP isn't a man though and this is predominantly a female site where the responses are likely to be more biased in favour of women and the trials they face as a sex. It's so boring all this whining about the female perspective being unfair and sexist. There are a million websites where men get to talk about women in the most hateful, derogatory ways - I hope you go to them and moan about how unfair and cruel they are.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 19:08

I agree that those terms are sometimes used too freely on MN about men . .

But you're not suggesting based on my posts that I am being abusive, aggressive and controlling towards my husband and that he should leave me are you?

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 04/12/2015 19:08

OP, your DH sounds a good guy on the whole, you say you are still very much in love and he is sweet with the children. You have had a good vent here and got it off your chest, so perhaps now you can have a calm talk once the children are in bed. I would say no way should you have cleared up the kitchen mess, get him to do that. He does not really sound SAHD material but if it would work for you he will have to learn the routines, just as any mum has to. I hope you have a peaceful evening.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 19:09

Bravo TonySoprano ! For the first time, I wish MN had a like button.

AnnaMarlowe · 04/12/2015 19:10

Summer I think you are being harsh to the OP.

She's not annoyed about the mistake. She's annoyed that he doesn't think it's a big deal.

If he'd said 'I feel awful I forgot, how embarrassing. She was ok and I grovelled to the staff, but I'm mortified" the OP would probably have been mildly miffed.

She's not being controlling. She's just a bit fed up of being the only responsible adult in the house hold.

WillSomebodyThinkOfStefan · 04/12/2015 19:16

It's a massive over reaction and in the grand scheme of things not a big deal. He made a mistake, one he can't put right and one he probably won't make again.

DontOpenDeadInside · 04/12/2015 19:18

My best friends dd was meant to be picked up by her grandad, he forgot. Luckily I was there so waited with her until he turned up (15 mins). That was about 3/4 years ago and even now when she comes out of school and no-one is there to get her (her teacher has a habit of letting them out early) she comes over to me and freaks out and says "have they forgot again? because she remembers no-one coming to get her that time. So saying it won't hurt her might not be correct.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 19:20

one he probably won't make again.
except he might because he seems to make the same mistakes with the baby's routine. I'm also confused how the OP over-reacted. She said about 2 sentences to her DP about it and then ranted on an anonymous website. If ranting on MN is an overreaction then the boards would be pretty quiet.

KeepOnMoving1 · 04/12/2015 19:20

You are raging but still having children with him?

WillSomebodyThinkOfStefan · 04/12/2015 19:26

APlaceOnTheCouch she is 'fucking livid' and her stomach is turning which I would class as a massive over-reaction. Mild irritation would be reasonable.

spanisharmada · 04/12/2015 19:27

What's that got to do with anything moving ? She's 5 months pregnant ffs, what are you suggesting?

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 19:29

Have you read all of my posts KeeponMoving? I've explained the reasons behind that.

OP posts:
SoWhite · 04/12/2015 19:30

You are raging but still having children with him?

People don't tend to abort 5 month gone pregnancies, just because they've had a barney with their partner.

AnnaMarlowe · 04/12/2015 19:31

If he doesn't think it was a big deal then he probably will make the same mistake again - that is the OP's whole point.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 19:33

If he'd said 'I feel awful I forgot, how embarrassing. She was ok and I grovelled to the staff, but I'm mortified" the OP would probably have been mildly miffed.

If he'd said this or something like it I would have felt much better about it, yes.

She's just a bit fed up of being the only responsible adult in the house hold.

This is exactly how I feel. Thanks for understanding.

one he can't put right and one he probably won't make again

This is my concern. If I say nothing and just let it go why wouldn't he make it again? He thinks it's no big deal, I still do.

Thank you for all of the responses though. I do feel much calmer now. Good to vent as Grumpy says.

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 19:34

Will I guess I read that description in the context of he isn't really pulling his weight; he wants to cut his hours potentially doing even less ; the OP is five months pregnant and he managed to be late for the only appointment he had today.

But also, and I realise I'm directing this at you and it's equally applicable to lots of posts on MN, I think it's quite important not to sound too much like a self-help guru that people get to own their feelings. There are so many places where women especially are told they shouldn't be angry, they can't get upset, their emotional responses are disproportionate or not valid. It just pisses me off in a thread that already has the requisite number of 'what if a man posted this? bollocks' that we're trying to police people's read women's emotions.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 19:34

People don't tend to abort 5 month gone pregnancies, just because they've had a barney with their partner.

Lol

x post Anna

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 04/12/2015 19:37

This reaction is totally out of proportion; all this rage because her husband was fifteen minutes late? The child was safe, and will not be traumatised for life, although I think the poster might.

Perhaps it would be better if the husband did take over child care; less pressure on her and less anger.

AnnaMarlowe · 04/12/2015 19:38

Nottime

It sounds like you love your DH and as if he is usually pretty fab so I sure you can sit down and talk this through with him.

Calmly explain that it made you angry and why.

Explain your concerns about balance in the house.

Apart from anything else he'll need to step up further when you have DC4

Diane31 · 04/12/2015 19:39

Because on the whole, on the whole, I say, not entirely cut and dried, women are better at this stuff than men. Leave them lists, chill out a bit. Tin helmet time but it is what I believe.

redexpat · 04/12/2015 19:42

I absolutely get where you are coming from. If he cant deal with routine things, how can you trust him not to fuck up on the big things? If you cant trust him then you cant work more hours because you will always have a knot in your stomach - will he remember to do xyz, and it will feel like you never get to relax.

Does he have form for forgetting stuff? Id be asking him what he is doing to prevent it happening again.

And this might help you feel better. I worked at a US summer camp. One parent forgot to get his kids on the last day of camp. They were such lovely kids too!

Grumpyoldblonde · 04/12/2015 19:43

Diane31 - it is what it is like in my house tbh, but if we have a disaster, leaking roof, insect invasion, broken fence, blown lights - I don't deal with it. My DH will ask me what he should cook for our child's dinner and what time to feed her, it's no big deal, I will call him and ask for advice on a DIY type issue, it doesn't mean we cant do these tasks, just that they are not our forte and we need pointers.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 19:44

I do love him and he is fab in many ways, but not when it comes to responsibility. I'm not sure I will be able to sit down calmly and talk this through with him, because he does not take criticism well so I usually just put up and shut up to avoid a row (I hate rowing).

My normal solution to a situation like this would be not to ask him again and if I'm really stuck ask my mum or another school parent instead. Or if it absolutely has to be him then next time make sure I beat him over the head with what time it is and what time he needs to leave and then call him from work to remind him . . . and then I'll be berated for treating him like a child

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 04/12/2015 19:48

He was late, so what... No big deal - no one was harmed. You need to call out a bit and stop sweating the small stuff.

Jw35 · 04/12/2015 19:49

It's ok to vent. It would have pissed me off too but your op was a bit ott. As I've read down more I realise that with 3 DC and pregnant, working and taking care of everything you're probably just stressed out. Try not together too het up over it. Let him know how upset you are without going nuts. Take care of yourself Cake