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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drop this even though nothing can be done about it now!?

104 replies

Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 17:35

I have 3 DC. DD1 is 7 and DD2 is 4. On a Friday DD1 has a club after school meaning she needs picking up at 3.45 and DD2 still needs picking up at 3.15. Normally I just pick DD2 up and let her play on the playground for half hour while we wait for her sister.
Fridays are also my DH's day off from work. He has DS1 (10 months) at home for the day while I drop the girls at school, then go to work for 6 hours, then pick them up.
Today DD2 had an appointment at 3.30 straight after school so I told him I would pick her up and take her to that and he would have to pick up DD1 at 3.45.
I get home with DD2 and there not here, after a while I start to worry as they're getting late. They get back at 16:20. First thing DD1 says is 'Daddy was 15 mins late picking me up'.
I am fucking livid! I run myself ragged making sure this kind of thing NEVER happens to my kids. Makes my stomach turn thinking of her being the last poor little forgotten kid being taken to the office to phone her parents.
He is acting like it's no big deal! She's here, she's alive, she's safe and the teacher was fine about it. NOT THE POINT!!! He just says he thought it was 4pm. Well if he thought that then he's an idiot because he's picked them both up on Fridays before if I've needed to work later AND I clearly told him 3.45 TWICE today! Why does he have to be so fucking useless?!
I obviously can't scream and shout at him since the DC are here, so I messaged my mum to vent and she replies 'I know I got a school from the school to pick her up' (She's her emergency contact) She was just leaving when they rang to say he'd turned up.
This week he actually said to me that he wants to stay home with the kids and me go to work (I assume he meant for him to go part time and me got full time, since I DO bloody work thank you AND do every other fucking thing around here!) Ha! Joke mate! You think I'm letting you take over child care for my kids to suffer! Also feel like that just totally undermines everything I do, like it's easy. If he can't cope with one tiny pick up and do that right how would he cope with the endless school trips, charity days, swimming lessons, karate, opticians, dentist, doctors, homework . . .etc etc etc etc and the list goes on!
I really want to have a right bloody go at him after the kids go to bed, but what's the point? It won't change anything! It's happened now hasn't it?

OP posts:
RacoonsRock · 04/12/2015 18:11

He sounds like a total prick.

I'd make him tidy up his own mess!

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2015 18:12

I don't even think its disorganisation tbh more laziness and point proving.

I mean he's not cleared up from.breakfast and the 10 month old has a routine. just how busy has he been today Hmm

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 18:13

I think the problem is that it's not just about him being late for pick-up. It's that you feel you're carrying him and he's making your life more difficult instead of better. There's not much you can do about that unless you have a 'big' talk about everything and put some firm boundaries in place. He's going to be reluctant to change because this is obviously working for him but you need to make it clear how unhappy you are.

I also completely agree with you that you moving to FT doesn't sound like a good move as it sounds as though you'd just be doing everything plus working longer hours.

Flowers
Brioche201 · 04/12/2015 18:13

At my DCs school they are supposed to finish at 3.15 but they are often not out til 3.25 so now I never get there til 3.25 at the earliest.Better DC waiting for me, than me standing out in the rain waiting for DC!

Bakeoffcake · 04/12/2015 18:13

Th eDH has a 10mth old t look after all day so it's not as if he's been doing nothing all day!

Your dad was safe at school- you need to chill out and stop being so dramatic. I hope your DDs haven't witnessed your hysteria over this.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 04/12/2015 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2015 18:25

Th eDH has a 10mth old t look after all day so it's not as if he's been doing nothing all day!

given he's been home all day with baby who has a routine, no work and no housework and just one school run to miss nothing is exactly what he's done.

unless there health conditions or the baby is particularly demanding there's absolutely no excuse as to why he was late and why he hasn't cleared up.

I don't know anyone who has one baby to look after who can't manage a 20 min school run. even if that means strapping a screaming baby into a buggy.

I'd take a ten month old or even a new born over schop age kids. much easier. certainly no excuse.

both mine had a good 2 hour nap at that age where I could have easily washed up. bread stick in the buggy job done. it's not hard.

hos laziness has jack shit to do with a baby he's had 10 months to figure out

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2015 18:26

school age

SoupDragon · 04/12/2015 18:30

One day you are going to mess up.

Snossidge · 04/12/2015 18:31

He must be a pretty great dad and husband if you are having your 4th child together though?

CatMilkMan · 04/12/2015 18:31

Yabu

SoupDragon · 04/12/2015 18:32

LOLOL. If this thread was about a mother who had been at home with the baby all day, the responses about "having done nothing" would have been very, very different.

SummerNights1986 · 04/12/2015 18:35

I got in tonight and the breakfast dishes and cereal boxes still sat on the kitchen side

Bloody hell, I fear for the bloke judging from your reaction to a late pick up. Is he OK op? Strung up outside, buried in the backyard?

I don't think its the fact that he made the mistake, but the fact he's being so blase about it

So basically, you'll not be satisfied until he's on his knees, begging for forgiveness and acknowledging your gold-star-perfect track record of on time pick ups.

YABVVVVVU. Calm the fuck down and get some perspective. Mistakes happen. If you have other, actual serious, issues with him then deal with those. As a one-off incident, a late pick up is not important...shit happens, mistakes happen, give the guy a break.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/12/2015 18:36

Gileswithachainsaw
"hos laziness has jack shit to do with a baby he's had 10 months to figure out"

I wonder if he has been given the chance to figure it out.

sparechange · 04/12/2015 18:37

YABU and overreacting but the thing that jumped out at me was that your DC immediately grasses up your DH for being late.
Is there a bit of history of you pulling him up on things and criticising him in front of your DCs? It is odd that they were in such a hurry to grass him up for a very minor infraction unless they see it as normal for his faults to be pointed out all the time.

AnnaMarlowe · 04/12/2015 18:39

OP I'd be angry too.

The fact that the child was fine is irrelevant. It was inconsiderate to the staff to keep them waiting on a Friday and to the OP's Mum who would be worried and disturbed by the call.

I suspect the OP is more upset by her DH's attitude to forgetting rather than the actual forgetting.

I'd be really, really careful before agreeing to the SAHD thing It doesn't really sound like he's organised enough.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 18:39

You are having a fourth child with him? He must have some redeeming features?

Lol. Yes he does. But I guess they're more fantastical. Like we're really good when it's just me and him in our little bubble. All loved up still after 9 years together. He makes me laugh etc. He's very sweet with the children when he spends time with them, has a unique way of talking to them so they understand things, teaches them things they don't learn at school, reads them stories, plays with them etc. But when it comes to handling the pressures of life together I do feel very much alone.

DC4 was very VERY much an accident. We have a reverse fertility issue. Have fallen pregnant twice on different methods of contraception. I was refused sterilization after DC3, but have been promised it now following this pregnancy. Although I'm still worried about that because there's still a 1% chance of pregnancy!

Hearts That's exactly what would happen if we swapped and I would be the one feeling the guilt that our DC's were missing out. There's absolutely no reason for us to swap other than he's fed up with work and thinks he'd have an easier time at home! Ha!

You work your arse off to make sure all bases are covered, the majority of the time, and he messes up the one time he has to step in.

^^ Yes! This!!

It's not fair on them, particularly if, like in this case, disorganization is the root cause

Exactly. It's not like he was run ragged with appointments all day and I'd asked him to do the shopping and he had the baby etc etc etc. He was sat on his arse all day not even picking up the breakfast dishes! He told DD1 that DS1 was really fussy . . . yeh! Cos he'd been awake since 11am and was knackered you fool! ;)

Thanks though guys. It's good to have MN to vent. I do feel like I can go on without getting a divorce now ;)

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 04/12/2015 18:39

Once, I was 40 minutes late picking ds1 up from school. They text me to say an after school activity was cancelled, I forgot. Casually strolled up at 4pm instead of 3.20pm. My fuck up entirely - they'd text the day before.

Had dh been livid and wanted to have a right bloody go at me after the kids go to bed and not let it drop for a one off MISTAKE then i'd have kicked the controlling, petty, aggressive fucker out.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/12/2015 18:40

If the DC are used to being picked up on time then getting picked up late is a big deal. It's always the first thing DS tells me if DH is late to collect him because it means they have to go to a different part of the school to wait. For an anxious child, a parent being late can be a worry. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the OP's attitude to her DH.

Bakeoffcake · 04/12/2015 18:45

If this this was a man talking about his DW I expect the answers would be very different.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2015 18:46

Oh yes cos by dc 3 you have no clue cos your "not allowed"

ffs
Hmm

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/12/2015 18:49

Gileswithachainsaw

I posted "given the chance" not "not allowed"

But as you like.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 18:52

I hope your DDs haven't witnessed your hysteria over this.

No they haven't. You'll note from my OP that I do say I can't have a go at him because the DC are here. I spoke a couple of very calm sentences to him on the subject and then headed here to vent.

I agree with APlaceOnTheCouch My daughter is Yr 2 and has never been picked up late for anything. Being taken to the office to sit while the teachers phoned her parents was a new and probably at least slightly worrying experience for her. If I have an issue with my husband I ALWAYS wait till the kids are in bed to have it out with him

My son is a very easy baby and usually has a two hour nap from 11-1. DH put him to bed early today meaning he woke up at 11 after only an hours nap. So he was tired at the time he had to take him on the pick up and probably was fussy, but I've lost count of the number of times I've told him that if his sleep time changes for whatever reason the rule of thumb is that he will be tired again 3 hours after he wakes up, so if he has an early one he'll need another one later - therefore, if he was fussy it was DH's fault!

Not only is he an easy baby, but DH has had him on his own every Friday for 4 months . . . more than enough time to work him out I'd say. And I also give him a 'handover' and let him know about any changes or whatever that have happened during the week

OP posts:
Original poster
Notimefortossers · 04/12/2015 18:53

If this this was a man talking about his DW I expect the answers would be very different.

Oh I don't know . . . lot's of people have said IABU! ;)

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 04/12/2015 18:58

The difference is op, had a man posted as you did about his dw, there would probably be a lot of replies including the words:

Abusive
Aggressive
Controlling
LTB
Women's Aid

and the like.