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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend another Xmas day with PiL?

78 replies

peppansalt · 04/12/2015 13:03

Right; for my sins we live next door to PiL. DH has 2 brothers, one reasonably local, one 2 hours away (both have own families).

My DM lives locally but alternates Xmas between me and my DB (lives 4 hours away)

My beef is that every bleeding Xmas day we are expected to have PiL here. One BiL says he MUST spend Xmas day with his wife's family Hmm and the other just frankly can't be bothered HmmHmm. So they keep their heads down and assume we'll host PiL

Wouldn't be so bad if they were more easy going but they are really hard work! They don't get on brilliantly with my DM and the atmosphere can be excruciating.

Well this year I want to have Xmas lunch at DM's house but DH doesn't want to "leave his parents out" as otherwise they'll be on their own!
He wants lunch here with yet again everyone coming and me going into melt down about cooking lunch -(v judgy pants MiL!) Can already feel blood pressure escalating.

Would suggest that maybe PiL cooked but MiL isn't in brilliant health and am sure she wouldn't want to do it. Also awkward about inviting DM to join us.

Aargh, sorry just venting really! AIBU?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2015 14:51

OP - so, your PIL aren't welcome with 2 of their 3 DCs on Christmas day, have no friends, have made no effort to get to know their other neighbours (other than their DS who lives next door) - if they kind of sound like they'd be reeping what they sow...

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 14:59

Yes Dino, but DH still seems to think they're our responsibility Angry

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 04/12/2015 15:03

So everyone's (DH/BIL/PIL's) wants for Christmas Day far out way yours?

There is compromise and then there is downright unfair.

This is unfair and the more you do it, there will be continued expectation that you will roll over and do as you are told!

miaowroar · 04/12/2015 15:04

She obviously feels she is by far the superior cook

Then she should put her money where her mouth is.
Sorry if I have missed this, but how old are your PiLs (and pills sounds the right word too.)

Dipankrispaneven · 04/12/2015 15:05

WIBU for me to email BiLs and ask them to sort something out between them?

Of course not.

"Hi BiLs, just letting you know we won't be around this Christmas, so could you sort it out between you which one is having the PiLs?"

Job done.

Wineandrosesagain · 04/12/2015 15:08

So Op, what are you going to do then? You keep saying "DH thinks this and that and enjoys Christmas with them" so you don't get a say then? Bugger that.

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 15:11

Obviously a conversation row is imminent this weekend

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 04/12/2015 15:17

Why are your DH's wishes more important than yours? Especially as he expects everyone else (i.e you) to do the actual hard work. I hate all this being hospitable by proxy that men certain people do.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 04/12/2015 15:19

Stop thinking of DH. You are unhappy. You accept DM invite. Let DH know hes welcome at DM. Thats it. He can then decide what hes doing. You do not have to organise him or PIL or BIL. Just you.

AgnesDiPesto · 04/12/2015 15:25

We alternate and sometimes just do a quiet xmas day on our own (DS3 has autism and likes a quieter day)

We always do a pre xmas meal with parents on both sides (together or separately) if we are not seeing them xmas day (usually a pub lunch type thing with no cooking involved and exchange presents then). That way we've done our duty and celebrated with them / they get to see the kids - but it frees us up to do as we wish xmas day

Since DS3 came along its been easier to put our foot down about prioritising his needs and everyone has found other places to go & things to do

I would offer a pre xmas meet up with PIL instead and then go where you want on xmas day

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 04/12/2015 15:32

Explain politely to your DH that you would like to go to your mums, just once, after all these years. That you don't feel like cooking again, and that your mum would really like to have the opportunity to host.

PIL's can come for breakfast/morning coffee for present unwrapping, or in the evening for a drink and a mince pie, or on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day, should they so wish.

They will never arrange to see their other children and you will be hosting them forever - DH can tel DBILs to sort out an offer.

zeetea · 04/12/2015 15:32

Oooh a pub lunch the day before/after is a v good idea agnes! Gets everyone out and a change of scenery can sometimes be a nice refresher/buffer in these high tension situations Xmas Smile

BlackeyedSusan · 04/12/2015 15:48

another voice for saying go to your mothers. let him decide what he will do.

girlywhirly · 04/12/2015 15:49

I'd missed that bit about MIL thinking she is the superior cook! Obviously not enough to actually do the cooking herself.

I guess you'll just have to lay it bare to DH, and if that entails telling how you have come to loathe entertaining his parents, so be it.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2015 15:55

'Why are your DH's wishes more important than yours? Especially as he expects everyone else (i.e you) to do the actual hard work. I hate all this being hospitable by proxy that men certain people do.'

This. Why is it up to you to suggest and arrange all these alternatives, too? You go to your mum's with the kids. He makes his own arrangements.

Bakeoffcake · 04/12/2015 15:56

We are in a very similar situation, BIL never invites his parents for Christmas so it's assumed we'll have them. This has gone on for nearly 20 years. Twice we've decided we want a rest form it and we just say "we're doing x this Christmas, so sorry we won't be here." They then invite BIL and his family.

Just do something different OP, it isn't fair that it all falls to you every single year.

yorkshapudding · 04/12/2015 16:02

Normally I'm all for negotiation, compromise, you catch more flies with honey etc etc. However, this is one of those times when I think you just need to put your foot down. You say you've had this argument with DH year after year after year so he knows that this is an issue for you (an for your poor DM who comes along for the ride) but hasn't budged. I would sit him down and tell him that he's lucky to have gotten your way for X years, this year you have decided you're having a year off and going to your Mums. Tell him either he emails BIL's to tell them to step up and do their bit for once or you'll do it for him. And mean it. He's mamaged to ignore your feelings on the matter for god knows how many years and gotten away with it, he won't believe you're serious unless you really make a stand now.

OnlyLovers · 04/12/2015 16:16

DH enjoys having Xmas with his parents

Well, then he should understand that YOU also would enjoy a Christmas with YOUR mum.

tobysmum77 · 04/12/2015 16:24

I cannot get my head round the idea that a grown man cannot cook a roast. If you are worried about food poisoning get beef instead and tell him to get on with it, put your feet up with a glass of bubbly. Problem solved.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/12/2015 16:27

"Well this year I want to have Xmas lunch at DM's house but DH doesn't want to "leave his parents out" as otherwise they'll be on their own!"
Then he needs to get his brothers onto it, doesn't he? Although I see you think he'll just stick his head in the sand instead, so yes, I'd go ahead and contact BILs myself.

"Not so much that MiL is verbally rude about the food, just her tight arse mouth, no comments about how delicious it is, and barest amount eaten. Same goes for FiL. She obviously feels she is by far the superior cook."
Ooh, I'd be dropping massive hints to her then that since she obviously doesn't like your cooking perhaps she'd prefer to go to one of her other sons' for Christmas this year? Just to point out to her that her 'tight arse mouth' has been noted really. (And also to prepare her for the reality of not coming to yours' this Christmas.)

"I think a big part of the problem is that DH enjoys having Xmas with his parents and just doesn't get why I don't feel the same."
Well he still can have Xmas with them, it's just that you and the DC will be with your mum. And he does get it, he really does. Because logic dictates that if he enjoys having Xmas with HIS parents then you must enjoy having Xmas with YOURS. He just wants to ignore the bleedin' obvious so that he can have what he wants and you can put up and shut up.

And please take on board SargassoSea's comments. Think beyond Christmas, and what else the BILs will try to duck out of in future. Best to get plans in place early for the inevitable.

JacquesHammer · 04/12/2015 16:34

I don't think OP's husband not cooking is the issue. My ex wouldn't have ever cooked - however he more than pulled his weight in the household.

However the OP does need to get her husband to say to his mother they'll be having Xmas with her mother this year

maddening · 04/12/2015 16:37

Just say you and dc are going to your mums, he is welcome and wanted but if he wants to spend with his dm and df again it's up to him.

Pilgit · 04/12/2015 16:38

Are you absolutely sure your BILs haven't invited them overy the years? I ask as my mum had a similar issue with her MIL. Every year she came. All the way through my childhood. Mum resented her BIL not taking turns. She thought he'd never asked as he was the golden child so it was assumed they'd rather go there. Turns out he asked every year but she preferred coming to us. She never realised how hurt my uncle was by this or how frustrating my.mum found it (she was great in so many ways but difficult).

TendonQueen · 04/12/2015 16:51

Agree with everyone else. Your DH likes Christmas with his parents and doesn't see the problem? Well you'd like Christmas at your mum's and don't see why after years of doing it his way that's a problem. If Mil prefers her own cooking, she can cook and your DH goes round there. Sorted! I think Yorksha's suggested approach is good.

AnnPerkins · 04/12/2015 16:56

The OP absolutely should not contact the BILs or SILs to make other arrangements for the PILs. By doing that she makes what she wants to do dependent on them all agreeing to be rearranged.

The OP has other plans for Christmas Day. They don't include the PILs. Where the PILs go or who they see is not her problem to solve.