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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend another Xmas day with PiL?

78 replies

peppansalt · 04/12/2015 13:03

Right; for my sins we live next door to PiL. DH has 2 brothers, one reasonably local, one 2 hours away (both have own families).

My DM lives locally but alternates Xmas between me and my DB (lives 4 hours away)

My beef is that every bleeding Xmas day we are expected to have PiL here. One BiL says he MUST spend Xmas day with his wife's family Hmm and the other just frankly can't be bothered HmmHmm. So they keep their heads down and assume we'll host PiL

Wouldn't be so bad if they were more easy going but they are really hard work! They don't get on brilliantly with my DM and the atmosphere can be excruciating.

Well this year I want to have Xmas lunch at DM's house but DH doesn't want to "leave his parents out" as otherwise they'll be on their own!
He wants lunch here with yet again everyone coming and me going into melt down about cooking lunch -(v judgy pants MiL!) Can already feel blood pressure escalating.

Would suggest that maybe PiL cooked but MiL isn't in brilliant health and am sure she wouldn't want to do it. Also awkward about inviting DM to join us.

Aargh, sorry just venting really! AIBU?

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 04/12/2015 13:51

Even if your DH "can't" cook he can do a ready to cook turkey joint, pre-done roasties, pre prepped veg bags etc etc. The food might not be up to your usual standard but it doesn't sound as though you'd have enjoyed Christmas Day anyway and at least you get to relax.

Don't let him off so easily otherwise what incentive does he have to change the status quo?

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 13:51

Not so much that MiL is verbally rude about the food, just her tight arse mouth, no comments about how delicious it is, and barest amount eaten. Same goes for FiL.
She obviously feels she is by far the superior cook.

Not close enough with BiLs wives to speak with them. Must correct myself though, one BiL did invite PiL for Turkey curry on a Boxing Day 7 years ago! Grin

OP posts:
manana21 · 04/12/2015 13:53

it does show a clear lack of understanding of the work involved for you with having the PIL and DM round every year on your DH's part. I also think this is simple, go to your DM's, put your foot down with your DH and tell him to put his down with his brothers. Or have Xmas on his own with his PIL.

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 13:53

I get that there are solutions if PiL come here - but I don't want them here!

OP posts:
Brioche201 · 04/12/2015 13:55

You really do not have to be a good cook to make a roast dinner-there are few things easier.If your PILs are only next door then why not divide up the cooking and then carry it round before you sit down eg they do the spuds and veg and starter- your FIL can surely peel veg! You and DH do the turkey and trimmings and pud.

RideEmCowgirl · 04/12/2015 13:59

Op - so what are you going to do? Christmas is looming. ....

OnlyLovers · 04/12/2015 14:00

Sod that, Brioche! It's still the OP solving problems and finding solutions, isn't it?

Just sod off to your mum's, OP, and leave your DH to sort his family out.

girlywhirly · 04/12/2015 14:00

It wouldn't be unreasonable to email BILs and get them to sort it out between them. You have hosted a lot and they haven't.

Technically the PILs aren't alone. DH and I have Christmas day on our own, and before he met me he and his dad had Christmas day on their own. I appreciate that your MIL may not feel well enough to cook, but the real nub of the problem is that she is judgy and causes an unpleasant atmosphere, so I can understand to an extent why the BIL's avoid entertaining her.

If it comes to no-one wanting to have the PIL's and they end up staying at home, I have a suggestion. Could you buy them some ready prepared food from M&S for their Christmas present, which just requires putting in the oven or microwaving? Provide a few treats as well, such as things you would have baked anyway. That way the cooking effort would be minimal. And if after that MIL kicks off, she would be very lucky to get another Christmas meal at your house.

MackerelOfFact · 04/12/2015 14:01

Intentionally leaving someone truly alone on Christmas day is a bit mean-spirited, but if there's two of them, they are not exactly 'alone' are they?! If they're that bothered about spending it with just each other they can make their own plans to spend it with one of their other sons' families instead.

I would agree with the advice to go to your mum's, and leave DH with the decision about whether he stays at home and cooks for PIL or comes with you and tells them to go elsewhere.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/12/2015 14:02

Could you briefly see the PIL on Christmas morning and then go to your DM's for lunch, so DH gets to see his parents but then you have the Christmas you want?

MackerelOfFact · 04/12/2015 14:02

Ah, x-posted with girlywhirly about the 'alone' thing.

AkkerDemik · 04/12/2015 14:02

If you don't want them there, put your foot down with DH. He knows how his parents will react if they're not invited and he's trying to duck it, but he's making it very unhappy for you in the process.

Go to your Mum's - because they live next door, doing something on your own or just with your DM won't work. Be away from the house and let your DH deal with it.

ohtheholidays · 04/12/2015 14:03

You spend Christmas with your parents at they're house and your DH can see to his parents at your house.

Or you have your parents at your house for Christmas and your DH goes to his parents for Christmas day.

Christmas is only once a year,you need to be able to put your feelings first sometimes always bowing down to what other people want(your DH and PILs)is not a healthy way for you to live.

mamas12 · 04/12/2015 14:07

The email sounds a brilliant solution BUT it needs to come from dh email address
Don it

TesticleOfObjectivity · 04/12/2015 14:08

Anyone who can read can follow a recipe. Don't let your dh get away with doing nothing. Refuse to cook this year. It's his turn.

DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2015 14:10

Actually, it's not for your DH or you to sort out! You tell PIL that you are going to your DM's for Christmas this year. Your PIL decide what they would lke to do, if it would be to invite one of their other DSs to their house or go to them, they speak to their other children and mention that they aren't spending Christmas day with you this year and would one of the others like to come over? If they are unable to talk to their own children and invite them over, then their failure to have a good relationship with 2 of their DCs is not your problem to solve.

They aren't alone, they are together and you could invite them to you on Boxing Day to make you feel less guilty, but it's your Mums 'turn' to have you over. What the other side does is their problem to fix. They have 3 DCs, it's not your job to manage the relationship between them and their other children. (If your MIL speaks to her other DILs the way she speaks to you, that might explain why invites arent forthcoming, but again, not your problem to fix, if MIL has ailenated her DS's by being mean to their DWs, that's her problem to fix, not yours or your DHs).

SSargassoSea · 04/12/2015 14:15

Imagine you are 15+ years down the line.

DMIL is partially bedridden and requires daily visits from you/DH, FIL has mild dementia and is about to move in with you as he can't be left on his own.

2 BILs keep their heads down and leave it to us.

Time for some changes I think.

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 14:19

It's not as if I don't want to see them
AT ALL on Xmas day actually that would be perfect. I appreciate DCs like to see us together so I wouldn't be adverse to going round say for present opening and nibbles/late supper; just don't want lunch or main part of day with them.

OP posts:
DramaQueen38 · 04/12/2015 14:25

what DinosaursRoar said. Word for word.

DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2015 14:30

So sit your DH down and say you've spent christmas day with his parents for X number of years and your mum has had to fit round it and she'd really like you to go there for just once (lay that on a bit thick) and it's unfair that she never gets a turn. That his parents have 3 DCs, they could talk to one of the others and sort out going to them all by themselves - surely they talk to their other DCs regularly and could say so - or he could give his DB's a 'heads up' that you aren't going to be home on christmas day so aren't hosting their Mum and Dad and it might be nice if you asked them over or visited at some point in the day...

Then you go to your mums, perhaps invite PIL over for gift opening or call in for a brew before going to your mums.

If PIL do end up on their own on Christmas day (and not really alone, they have each other!) it's one day, and if they've failed to have a decent relationship with 2 out of 3 of their DCs, that's not your fault!

My PIL are lovely but due to BIL's DW's family being a bit more complex than just 2 siblings (there's a lot of people on that side!) they dont fall in a neat alternating years system with us (we do alternate with my parents). This has meant a few years PIL have been alone, but arranged to go see friends in the morning, then had a late lunch just the 2 of them, then were invited into their neighbours for drinks in the evening after said neighbours' adult DCs had left relatively early (around 8ish) because DGC needed to get home to bed.

It doesn't need to be a terrible day if you don't have a big family around you - and your DH doesn't need to feel responsible for providing a nice Christmas day for his parents every year, most grown ups could make plans for themselves.

zeetea · 04/12/2015 14:35

I'm glad this thread is here. YANBU. I very recently had a humungous row with my MIL about bloody Christmas Day - we've gone to theirs or vice versa almost every year for a decade (I'm not in contact with my family so there's none of that break through the years like others do) and I'm exhausted by it - we don't get on particularly well though heavens I have tried so hard over the years, and I end up in tears by the end of every Christmas, last year I spent a total of 3 hours in the toilet just to get away from them, they're relentless (feigned a tummy bug - MIL cooking obv Xmas Wink)
Had enough, it's not nice to dread Christmas day because I love this time of year and DH can see it's a stress so he's happy for us to have our own Christmas now, but anyway she was like 'oh but you'll be here next year obviously' to which I replied how I'm not promising anything, it's highly unlikely as we want to enjoy our own day now (but we've said we'll see them every Boxing day instead - EVERY DAMN BOXING DAY - but she still went proper batshit about it. I don't get it, surely when your kids grow up you expect them to do their own thing on Christmas and see you either C-eve or B-day instead? I know every family is different.
Part of my argument is that when we have kids we'll want our own family day, but ANYWAY: sod them all love and put your foot down, you've put up with it long enough. Either tell DH that if it's going to be this way he has to do all the hosting and cooking going foward, or things are going to change because the current set up just makes you miserable Flowers

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 14:36

You're right Dino.

Had to smile when you talked about your PiL going round neighbours/friends. My PiL have no friends and probably wouldn't even know our neighbours names!

OP posts:
knickernicker · 04/12/2015 14:43

You're going to your mum's. That's it. It's her turn. You've noone's answer to.
If he has anyone to answer to, that's up to him.

Whatdoidohelp · 04/12/2015 14:46

For god sake just say no. The other brothers are well overdue taking their turn.

Original poster
peppansalt · 04/12/2015 14:47

Zeetec, that sounds terrible! At least I have my DM around.ThanksI have suggested many times we have Xmas day just to ourselves but he always insists Xmas is about the larger family the kids would miss out Hmm

I think a big part of the problem is that DH enjoys having Xmas with his parents and just doesn't get why I don't feel the same. Feels like Groundhog Day having the same argument year after year after year..

OP posts: