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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to steer clear of my friend?

61 replies

TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:05

An old school friend of mine (who is absolutely lovely as a person, to me anyway), has got herself into a bit of a pickle with steeling and fraud.

For example, she goes into Debenhams and searches for things (small) without security tags, picks up one of their catalogues, and walks around the store looking deeply interested in things on show before leaving. She also has a 'can't not have something if I bought something' attitude, meaning she'll pick pocket anything, I mean anything, as a little token of thanks (to herself, from the store), for actually buying something.

I was with her last Saturday and I went for lunch together (A13 so no shops around there to take anything).. I asked where she managed to buy all of these genuine goods and sell them on EBay/Facebook selling pages, and this is when she admitted what she does (quite detailed too), in a very proud manner. I was shocked, and somewhat disappointed too because I never saw that one coming, she's a very innocent/bubbly type. She'd do anything for anyone in need, IME.

Furthermore, she says she complains to multiple companies around Christmas time, claiming she was spoken badly of by members of staff in that store and when they conclude that there's no evidence but her word etc, they send her vouchers as a 'good will gesture' of which she then has a 'spend up, as she put it, in the January sales!

AIBU to be deeply concerned and distance myself from her? She claims she does it as a release from the pressures surrounding her divorce, but to me it's much more than that and that doesn't excuse her actions.

I just don't know what to do, Mumsnet. She's a lovely woman to people but appears very (successfully) deceptive. And claims she's never been caught which I think isn't teaching her a lesson.

AIBU to distance myself? Or, should I leave the situation well alone and keep my nose out. I really don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:07

*stealing

OP posts:
iamanintrovert · 03/12/2015 20:09

Run

BondJayneBond · 03/12/2015 20:09

It would put me off someone. I'd certainly avoid going to shops etc with her, in case she gets caught stealing and you get dragged into it.

Mamagin · 03/12/2015 20:09

Distance yourself at a fast trot. And I'd tell her why.

knickernicker · 03/12/2015 20:10

She is immoral therefore you can't like her.

Original poster
TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:10

Bond I agree, I certainly wouldn't be shopping with her. I know that may come across as rather arrogant and precious to some, but I really don't want to get mixed up in her wrong doings Sad

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 03/12/2015 20:11

She is not a "lovely woman". She is a thief and a fraudster. Get a new friend.

Slowjog · 03/12/2015 20:11

Id hate this! I'd be completely honest with her and say you're disappointed.

Baconyum · 03/12/2015 20:12

I'd bin off and tell her why too!

Slowjog · 03/12/2015 20:13

Also it makes her general level honesty questionable - is she honest with you? Can you really trust her as a parson?

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 03/12/2015 20:15

She will get caught
She is not a good person , she steals
Some innocent person will get a bollocking for her actions
Nice .......

CainInThePunting · 03/12/2015 20:16

She may have cleptomania (sp?) ?

99percentchocolate · 03/12/2015 20:17

I work in retail - if somebody made an allegation about me it would go on my record regardless of if it was true or not. For that alone she doesn't deserve any respect. I personally couldn't be friends with somebody who would play with somebody's else's life and ability to put food on the table for some flipping shopping vouchers.
What a wanker. (Her, not you)

Zucker · 03/12/2015 20:21

Distance yourself OP, I bet she's on some security guard's or shop staff's radar somewhere. It won't be long before someone cottons on to her.

Original poster
TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:25

It's not even the big companies losing out on a few quid that bothers me, it's the sheer immorality, the fact that some innocent person, who could be as nice as pie, is at risk of losing their job/being penalised over a false accusation :(

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 03/12/2015 20:26

There will be retail staff being needlessly bollocked, disciplined, cautioned and possibly having to undergo extra training, because of her.

Bubbly and innocent she may be, but she's not exactly a force for good in the world, is she?

Dreamiesrcatopium · 03/12/2015 20:26

I don't understand what she does in Debenhams? Gets a catalogue and pickpockets somebody?

Original poster
TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:28

No, she's not TheDawge, you're right there.

As for personally trust, I feel very weary of her now but she's never lied to me etc and everyone who knows her seems to think she's fab. Perhaps our circle will question why I'm distancing myself from her? Sad

OP posts:
Hiddlesnake · 03/12/2015 20:33

Every honest customer has to pay for these actions of a dishonest person.

Original poster
TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:33

Dream no she picks up small items and hides them behind the catalogues.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 03/12/2015 20:45

I'd be honest with her

I'd tell her that I feel really bad about her stealing and that I don't want to go shopping with her anymore because I don't want to risk being caught with her.

And I'd ask her to consider what people on this thread have pointed out - that when she does stuff like this, she puts a perfectly blameless shop assistant under immense stress and that is not fair and not decent behaviour.

But I'd also wonder if there is any underlying reason why she does this tbh - it's v. risky behaviour and it's not something someone psychologically healthy would do. It's not as if she's stealing food from Morrisons because she can't afford to buy it - that's an explicable thing to do. Stealing for kicks, is not always, but often a sign of someone who needs help. But you probably can't give that, that's a counsellor's job.

Just tell her that you don't feel you can be as close friends with her anymore because of what she's told you. Be honest with her, it might give her the kick up the arse she needs to sort herself out. And if not, as least she's not left wondering why she's lost a friend.

clam · 03/12/2015 20:47

I just don't see how you can separate the two issues: her being a thief, and yet also, you say, a lovely person. They're intertwined. There's no way I could respect someone who did this and so I would have nothing to do with her at all.

MermaidVsSailor · 03/12/2015 20:48

I had a friend like this. I ignored her behaviour and (stupidly) went out shopping with her, she ended up stealing a necklace and getting caught. On our way out, two security guards stopped us and made us go into the back offices. Ended up getting banned from that store for life. It was HUMILIATING - they wouldn't believe I wasn't in on it and to be walked around the store to the back, in front of other customers... it was awful.
I would definitely distance yourself.

Original poster
TudorTrace · 03/12/2015 20:48

AskBasil that's very good advice, I really appreciate it.

I've explained to her (whilst having lunch), that I'd be too anxious to shop with her anymore and her reaction was a very unbothered 'aww I don't blame you, I prefer being left to my own devices anyway hun' Sad

I haven't, however, explained that I will be distancing myself a little bit because I feel she's doing something indescribable to me. I'm also concerned about what our circle of friends will think if I'm clearly distancing myself from her.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 03/12/2015 20:49

If anyone in 'your circle' queries you is tell them why too! Are any of them retail workers? She's messing with people's lives! And at a time of year when they're already under immense stress already!

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