To not be sure if I love my child or not

[Kettlesingsatnight]

That's an incredibly bald post and obviously I need to clarify it. Please don't leap in and judge until the end.

For some reason, this is something I have been thinking of a lot over the last few days (not completely sure what's prompted it, I suspect a lot of Christmas stuff and my perception of what 'ordinary' families do at this time of year) but the pressing reality is I don't think I do love my child. He has a condition that makes him hard in many ways to love because it demands so much from me yet gives so little in return.

And yet I ask - does it matter? In some ways I think not as my actions are so loving (I rather self righteously decided a while ago I would do the right thing by him no matter what) and I have given up and sacrificed so much, of which I can't even fully outline here.

I also suspect it doesn't matter because it makes being a parent to him easier. I expect nothing and I give everything and I don't feel resentful that it's this way as it just is.

So - not so much AIBU as I am but can't help it - is anyone else in the same position? As I realise this is taboo but it's also very freeing to say so anonymously. I care for my son inmensely but I don't actually love him.

shaffron you feel sorry for the children of posters on this thread?
They don't need your pity, they are loved. It's just that, like every parent ever, these posters find it stressful and I think they have every right to go "hang on a minute, this shits hard".
You didn't feel loved, I'm sorry, but that's your problem. Do not project it onto others.

Shaffron; I understand why my post was painful to read.

It's because, when you boil it down, parents expect to love their child but more controversially perhaps they expect their child to love them.

Some needs mean the child can't, really - or if they can they can't show it so really it becomes meaningless.

I have another child I do love. The contrast makes it harder in some ways. But she smiles at me, she laughs, she hugs me and kisses me and accepts my hugs and kisses and holds my hand and chats to me and shows an interest in the world and in my world.

DS can't.

I didn't just 'feel' that they didn't love me. I know they didn't.

But to be fair, I was adopted over 30 years ago when the narrative surrounding it was very narrow I.e. adoptive parents were angels who saved the lives of otherwise hopeless children.

There was no recognition of the fact that this narrative was damaging to adoptees. That we should somehow be 'grateful'. No recognition of the fact that adoption is not necessarily a perfect solution, for what is essentially a tragic start for adoptees. A wound. Something missing.

It was all about the parents. And the worse thing of all, no belief or notion that adoptive parents can be abusive.

Not being loved (and after all that was stated on this thread as if it was perfectly acceptable) after being abandoned/losing a birth mum already is terrible.

I know mums are human. I'll admit since I didn't have special needs and was so desperate and willing to love back, that there are aspects of this thread I can't comment on.

But, I think, as always - the child's perspective is needed.

But it isn't just 'my problem' that I wasn't loved. How dare you. It's my parents' problem, society's problem, future generations' problem. Because unloved children can grow up damaged - it has far reaching and devastating consequences.

Yes it is your parents problem too, but it has nothing to do with the child in the OP. As for a childs point of view, OPs DS knows his mum does everything for him, same as she does for his sister. She supports him and cares for him, and does her absolute best for him. That is entirely different to growing up neglected and unloved. So you are projecting. Yes you may have good reason, but you can't say that you feel sorry for the children on this thread as you don't know the reality of their lives, just as we don't know the reality of yours.

My mum died after a very long and debilitating illness that had a wide reaching impact on all our lives.

I remember thinking (possibly cruelly although not intentionally so) that if she were an animal we would have her put to sleep.

When she died, if I'm brutally honest, the overwhelming feeling was one of relief.

When the dynamic between you is a one-way street in terms of who gives and who takes, it's not a relationship in the normal understanding of the word. Therefore I don't think you should measure it against those parameters because you will always find it falls short.

I loved my mum. I don't doubt you love your son. But it sounds like a monumentally difficult situation and you have my sympathy, not my judgement.

I also agree with pps who say that I think your feelings are a self preservation mechanism. Which is also entirely understandable.

I think it's really important that parents of children with SN and other difficulties are allowed to express their feelings, have them heard and acknowledged.

I have no words of wisdom but your post has caused me to reflect on my love for my children and I have to say that I probably would not feel the same kind of overwhelming love for them if I was getting nothing back, and if their condition made my life very difficult.

Perhaps your love for your son is just of a different type and is expressed through your caring for me and meeting his needs.

I dare.

Do you think I should have returned him to the care system?

kettles I think shaffrons last post was directed at me.

The statement that 'unloved children grow up damaged' is one that isn't entirely accurate.

A child can be loved very much and still damaged because the way this love manifests itself is harmful.

Or, as in my case, a child can be not loved - but very fondly thought of and treated extremely well.

Which is most harmful? Given only I know what I feel.

I said unloved children 'can' grow up damaged.

I'm sorry Saffron but I agree you are projecting too. I think their is too much pressure on mothers to have gushing feelings about their child. It's a recipe for pnd for new mothers and depression for mothers in general. The gushing love is joy.. that is it. After a difficult birth, lack of sleep, health problems etc- mothers can't always access that joy. That is perfectly natural and mothers shouldn't be pressured to 'emotionally perform'.

My eldest child is 6 and at times I get very little gushing feelings. He can be cheeky, disrespectful, demanding and so on. Typical behaviour for most children at times really. I used to beat myself up about not feeling loved up, like I had failed him and it thoroughly depressed me. Then one day I realised my feelings are perfectly natural and I am still loving him fiercely in the absence of joy. Unconditional love!

After all when our children grow up I doubt we will be bursting with joy at the mere sight of them, so why do we expect if now? Way too much pressure from the media in general as to how we should feel. I know I would give my last breath for both my children, I know I have gone the extra mile in most difficult situations and I know I constantly question my parenting so I am nurturing them in the best possible way.

I also know of parents who gush about their children constantly yet think nothing of physically smacking them if they do wrong. Love isn't measured by what u feel, it's what you give.

Also op, it's perfectly natural for you to question how you would feel if your child was taken away. I remember having a difficult relationship with my Dad, convinced if he died I'd not be hurt. He had a stroke and cancer, he suffered right to the end and I fought for him every step of the way. I held him right at the end and the loss I felt was immeasurable, the only relief I felt and comfort was in the end of his suffering. I know we aren't the same and situations can't be compared but try not to test yourself and your feelings, as in reality we can feel very different when faced with it.

I feel exactly the same and am so glad you posted this, so thank you.

I don't have a 'bond' with my DS and now he's 7 I fear I never will. I don't even like cuddling him.

When he was born my life was shit and somewhere, I must associate him with that, even though I love my life now.

He has also been diagnosed with his own problems. He's such hard work; so argumentative, controlling and miserable.

By contrast I feel very differently about his sisters. Ironic really as I was desperate to have a boy.

But your mixing up joy and love. Of course you don't always feel joy. I don't. Motherhood is hard, draining etc. But I do love my children, as you said in your post it's unconditional love.

And maybe the OP does actually feel love and she too is mistaking the lack of joy for lack of love. And caring for a child with special needs must be joyless at times. Yes I do get that.

But to say and really mean that you don't love your children? It can't be helped to feel that way maybe, but it is damaging potentially and yes I would feel for a child in those circumstances.

I have been in that situation myself, one where I couldn't actually say if I would be sad if my dc wasn't here anymore. I felt I had no connexion with him.
He didnt have any SN at all, wasn't adopted or anything but I had PND that wasn't treated (thanks to my GP and HV who handled it badly) and I didn't bond with him.

I can say, just like you, that I went through the motions, I did the best I could to care for him, and as others have said, I was acting with care and love towards him. I just didn't feel I loved him.
And yes this is a very taboo subject.

So I can only say:
I hear you.
You're not alone.

Shaffron I'm not sure what made u feel unloved but what the OP describes is a case of a mother loving her child. I think because of the expectations the OP has of how she should feel she may have come to the conclusion she thinks she doesn't love her child. However it's clear she does.

I find this thread hard reading. I have a DS with aspergers. He is in some ways exceptionally able, at some aspects of academics for example. He also has severe needs in relation to his communication and whilst he can speak he often prefers solitude and frequently doesn't bother to engage if what you are asking him is not of interest to him. He never ever asks anything about my life (or anyone else's). He has sensory sensitivity to touch and until last week I hadn't been able to hug him for about 6 years, or ever touch him without him saying 'get off'. He is in his early teens. I have other children who don't have his difficulties with whom 'relatedness and atunement' is easier. But I honestly don't think I love him less. How could I when he didn't ask for any of this? He isn't rejecting by will. And in terms of whether he loves me, I am without doubt the key person for him and he is happy here. I don't see love for a child as a two way street, like adult love between partners or friends. It doesn't have to be reciprocated in kind. I know I don't love him less because occasionally I do that 'Sophie's choice' thing to myself, if the Nazis came for one of my children who would I give up...and even privately to myself I can't make a choice. And if someone came to me in the delivery suite and said 'this child will be autistic and give you little back' I would still keep him because he is my child. And now I have written that I don't even agree with myself...he does give me things back, just not the expected things. I love to see how he rescues injured animals even if they are just a worm or a crab. I appreciate how even though it is hard for him he accepts changes and visitors he would rather not have because he knows it is our house too. I admire his fierce intellect and amazing memory for things that interest him. He gives me loads in his own way.

I have worked with kids with profound learning difficulties, autism etc and I never saw one who didn't recognise and respond in some way to their parent arriving, either by excited body movements, smiles, increased vocalisations. Was that best regard out of all things not love because they couldn't say it?

I think everyone would agree with Shaffron that children who are genuinely unloved - who are not given the consistent care and concern that children need to grow up whole and strong - can suffer permanent damage as a result.

Where people disagree with Shaffron is that everyone here unanimously agrees that the OP (and others on this thread) does love her child, even though she doesn't use that word herself. Actions speak louder than words - especially in relationships - and the OP's actions encapsulate the genuine, strong concern for her child's wellbeing which most people would recognise as love. Shaffron tragically did not receive this throughout her childhood and has the self-awareness to realise that she has suffered as a result.

The thing it's not the SN that always makes things harder.
Dc2 has AS too but I bonded with him whereas I didnt with dc1 (or rather not for a long time).

Is it hard to hear? Yes it is. But believe me it's even harder to be the one who should be living that child but doesn't have these feelings. Don't be quick to judge because you got these feelings of love right when your DC was born but other women didn't. Not all women do, far from. And often love is something that comes with time, it is created rather than immediately felt.

Woodheaven I wasn't intending to judge. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I meant to say I understand the feeling of not getting much back and how sad that makes me sometimes, but I never linked that reciprocity with love; I guess I have perhaps a different concept of love.
I never felt overwhelming love for my newborns. But I wanted them because they were mine, and I knew them. The love kicked in at some point, not sure when. I was lucky never to get pnd and never to feel indifferent to my child. I think I would have found that very frightening.

Squashy I think it becomes PND and indifference when the mother feels so ashamed at her lack of 'love' Or motivation and becomes an obsession. Like it's all she can see. So if she thinks any way negatively or intrusively towards her child them she often presumes she's a bad mother. I think recover lies in accepting that how u think and feel is ok and with time you can grow to feel more joy as you settle into motherhood.