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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be sure if I love my child or not

99 replies

Kettlesingsatnight · 01/12/2015 21:18

That's an incredibly bald post and obviously I need to clarify it. Please don't leap in and judge until the end.

For some reason, this is something I have been thinking of a lot over the last few days (not completely sure what's prompted it, I suspect a lot of Christmas stuff and my perception of what 'ordinary' families do at this time of year) but the pressing reality is I don't think I do love my child. He has a condition that makes him hard in many ways to love because it demands so much from me yet gives so little in return.

And yet I ask - does it matter? In some ways I think not as my actions are so loving (I rather self righteously decided a while ago I would do the right thing by him no matter what) and I have given up and sacrificed so much, of which I can't even fully outline here.

I also suspect it doesn't matter because it makes being a parent to him easier. I expect nothing and I give everything and I don't feel resentful that it's this way as it just is.

So - not so much AIBU as I am but can't help it - is anyone else in the same position? As I realise this is taboo but it's also very freeing to say so anonymously. I care for my son inmensely but I don't actually love him.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 01/12/2015 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 01/12/2015 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestZebbie · 01/12/2015 22:41

It sounds to me as if you have something stronger and frankly, better, than what a lot of people know as 'love', tbh. Your bond is full of loyalty and duty and the desire to protect and preserve for as long as it takes, without reward, just because to do otherwise would be unthinkable - compare that to all the posts on MN from women whose partners 'loved' them but then got bored and left without a second thought.

wotoodoo · 01/12/2015 22:53

Please don't be hard on yourself. You are amazing, you are making such a huge difference in the life of this child, you too Mrs devere and all the other parents who dedicate their lives to the wellbeing and happiness of others.

You are actually Earth's angels. Your selflessness and dedication is humbling. I think it is ok to have those feelings, they are normal as you are human after all, and actually superhuman demands are being asked of you on a daily, hourly basis!

The bare facts are that most people could not do what you do. You ARE the best type of human around, warts and all.

Bettercallsaul1 · 01/12/2015 23:02

Love us a verb. It sounds to me like you show your son love every single day by your actions.

Couldn't agree more with this - and that statement applies to all the mothers in similar circumstances on this thread. Love really is how you treat people and manifests itself in a profound concern for their well-being. The warm "glowy" feeling we think of as love is really the reward for love - not love itself. It seems to me that the OP - and M4blues - are loving their children deeply without getting the rewarding feelings that other mothers take for granted. The fact that they continue their unstinting efforts regardless just makes the love they show for their children all the purer and more awe-inspiring to the rest of us, in much easier circumstances.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 01/12/2015 23:04

To care for someone out of a sense of duty is a lot harder than caring for someone out of a sense of love because love brings with it pleasurable feelings whilst duty without reward requires you to be selfless.

And underpinning that sense of duty is something deeper, a sort of love that doesn’t feel like love to you, yet sustains your DS and is in fact more remarkable than conventional love.

Please be gentle on yourself Kettles. You are doing a good job. x

OhBeloved · 01/12/2015 23:05

You say you have sacrificed so much for your dc. Is it possible that you have buried resentment that you would feel too guilty to admit to yourself?

But I'm sure you are right - it doesn't matter when all your actions nevertheless remain loving (apart from the not insignificant fact that it is obviously bothering and upsetting you).

I think this might resolve in your mind OP in time. You will gain greater insight and perspective and be able to make more sense of how you feel. Don't worry, try to let it just settle in your mind in your own time.

M4blues · 01/12/2015 23:05

With all due respect, Wotoodoo, I don't want to be one of Earth's Angels. I am certainly not the best type of human. I do it because a quirk of nature demands it.
I know you certainly weren't trying to be offensive but the term 'Earths Angels' is up there with 'God gives special children to special people.'
Well no he doesn't. Nature does and nature does not discriminate. She deals a shit hand to the good, the bad and the ugly alike.

M4blues · 01/12/2015 23:08

I'm sorry. That sounds nasty and horrible. I'm tired and stressed and this thread has brought out emotions in me that I consciously keep well locked down usually.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound horrid.
Goodnight all.

timelytess · 01/12/2015 23:15

Standing by your child is the most loving thing any parent can do. You are doing that. You're right, he's better off with you than with anyone else.

shazzarooney99 · 01/12/2015 23:15

m4blues, i dont think wotoodoo meant to offend, she just knows that us sen parents have a tough bloody job xxxxxx

IJustLostTheGame · 01/12/2015 23:17

Love is not live which alters when it alterations find.

It's still love. This post reads as though you're doing your best to give whatever practical help you can.
If that means locking your own personal feelings aside in order to get on with the best day to day carrying on it still counts.
Flowers
It sounds tough.

Bettercallsaul1 · 01/12/2015 23:19

Goodnight, M4blues. I still maintain that it is how you deal with that "shit hand" that is the measure of the person. But I know, when you are struggling in that situation, that is no consolation.

FattyNinjaOwl · 01/12/2015 23:26

Bloody hell, my 3 DC are all nt. And I get frustrated at times!
I probably won't explain this well, but when my DD was born I suffered PND. It was the worst time of my life. There was PND and a lot of other stuff happening at the same time which made things worse. I felt horrible. I didn't hurt her, or even want to, but I felt like I didn't love her like I loved her older brother. I was just doing what had to be done, not because I wanted to if that makes sense? All I wanted was to sleep it away and pretend it wasn't happening. I felt like crap. Then I felt worse because I felt guilty. I didn't want to feel that way, I wanted to love her.
It was only when I pulled through the depression I realised it was OK to feel the way I did as I had loved her all along. If I didn't I wouldn't have done what I did for her and I wouldn't have felt guilty for my feelings. She's 2 in a couple of weeks and she's a demon, but she's my demon. I love her so much and at the same time I want to shake her and tell her to behave her bloody self!

I can't imagine what it must be like to raise a child that can't communicate their love for you, that can't reciprocate if that makes sense? It must be very difficult and I think you are being overly hard on yourself. Being a parent is tough, then on top of that you have a child with additional needs!
Flowers

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/12/2015 23:38

Isn't there something about love being a reflection and people seeing love as what they think love is. So your DS can't reciprocate the love but probably feels overwhelmingly loved but you feel there's something missing. Does that make sense?
I am in a family that mixes ASD and NT and people can feel unloved, suffocated and content. But there is enduring, solid love and care.

TwinkleCrinkle · 01/12/2015 23:47

Sounds like you do love your child.

Maybe letting yourself believe that you don't is a form of self preservation? Allowing you to be there for him and yet demanding and expecting nothing in return without the frustrations and upset you might have had before.

Original poster
Kettlesingsatnight · 02/12/2015 06:41

In some ways I agree with wottodo, although I don't think of myself of earths Angel and if anyone saw me typically bumbling about moaning they'd agree! Grin

But I've been so much better at dealing with DS since I've accepted in a way, who and what he is and a big part of that is giving up on loving him.

OP posts:
KittyandTeal · 02/12/2015 07:01

I agree with some pp, love isn't always about cuddles and giggles and doing lovely things.

You tell your child off and remove privilages etc from them, it's not a 'nice' thing to do but you do it because you love them (please don't think I am in any way comparing a tantrumming toddle to what you deal with I was just looking for a quick 'not nice but love' action)

We do the right thing by our children because we love them. I think you do love your DC, you possibly don't love your life with them though, which sounds totally understandable

Balaboosta · 02/12/2015 07:10

You sound both wise and compassionate. Compassion is the most pure expression of love - wanting another person to be happy and well. Maybe the thing that you feel is missing is affection and fondness. I would imagine you might also be emotionally drained. But when it comes to love, I think you've nailed it!

Enjolrass · 02/12/2015 07:12

I don't know what to say really. This thread has really touched me.

Because it's clear you do love your son. So many people use the word 'love', but don't show it.

You really do show that your love your child. Everyday.

By putting your own needs aside for him. For standing by him and making his happiness your focus.

You sound like a wonderful parent to me Thanks

Gaspard · 02/12/2015 07:13

What an amazing post! OP, you sound like a wonderful person, I bet you're the most loyal friend/sister, etc. Its so interesting the way you've worked out that the key thing is to do right by your son no matter how you feel. Whether you love him or not I cannot say, obviously, but you are doing the right thing and that is courageous, exemplary and just...wow. What an inspiration you are. ( I realise that it's great to be able to inspire others but we don't always enjoy how we come by those strengths). Best wishes to you.

Balaboosta · 02/12/2015 07:20

Offering my experience out of curiosity rather than judgement, I've found my SEN child easier to love than my NT child. For me, something to do with having had to fight for the child and work to understand them. But in some ways I find my NT child harder work!

MrsDeVere · 02/12/2015 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shaffron · 02/12/2015 07:36

I'm adopted. I know I wasn't loved as I should have been. I've spent a lifetime dealing with that pain and the wound of being adopted. I'm estranged from my adoptive parents and have managed, God only knows how, to build a life.

So I feel sorry for your unloved children. Because they know, children do know.

x2boys · 02/12/2015 07:41

my five yr old is severly autistic and non verbal i love him more than the world its hard and demanding and i have sleepless nights worrying about him i,m no angel most parents of children with disabillities arnt i didnt choose to have a child with special needs im just doing my best as i,m sure a lot of parents are .