Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not be sure if I love my child or not

99 replies

Kettlesingsatnight · 01/12/2015 21:18

That's an incredibly bald post and obviously I need to clarify it. Please don't leap in and judge until the end.

For some reason, this is something I have been thinking of a lot over the last few days (not completely sure what's prompted it, I suspect a lot of Christmas stuff and my perception of what 'ordinary' families do at this time of year) but the pressing reality is I don't think I do love my child. He has a condition that makes him hard in many ways to love because it demands so much from me yet gives so little in return.

And yet I ask - does it matter? In some ways I think not as my actions are so loving (I rather self righteously decided a while ago I would do the right thing by him no matter what) and I have given up and sacrificed so much, of which I can't even fully outline here.

I also suspect it doesn't matter because it makes being a parent to him easier. I expect nothing and I give everything and I don't feel resentful that it's this way as it just is.

So - not so much AIBU as I am but can't help it - is anyone else in the same position? As I realise this is taboo but it's also very freeing to say so anonymously. I care for my son inmensely but I don't actually love him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kettlesingsatnight · 01/12/2015 21:58

These responses are immensely reassuring.

Perhaps others are right and I do love him but perhaps I have just had to put the love, which is pointless, to one side, for other, more pragmatic emotions? After all, love is to ensure the survival of the species when we boil it down - and in this case love wouldn't ensure the survival (in an emotional sense) of DS so it's had to be substituted for something else?

That's a reassuring thought.

OP posts:

shazzarooney99 · 01/12/2015 21:58

I will bet any money you love your child, when your child has a certain condition where they have certain behaviours that make life incredibley hard work, it wont be that you dont love your son, it will b that you dont love his behaviours.

I know i dont like some of my sons behaviours, but i do love him, i dont think it when hes punching me, or throwing stuff at me or causing holy hell in the household, but he cant help it and i do love him to bits.

I just think sometimes theres a fog, do you know what i mean? especially when its never ending and its draining too.

Keep our chin up luv xxxxx

shazzarooney99 · 01/12/2015 21:59

If you ever need a chat please send me a message xx

Waltermittythesequel · 01/12/2015 22:03

I don't know; it sounds like you're self-preserving, even unconsciously.

Look, it's understandable that there's a part of you that feels you wouldn't grieve him.

Maybe there's a part of you who has already grieved for the child you could have had? And your life is so difficult. Surely it's human nature to mourn the life you could have had?

All armchair psychology and probably a load of shite but...is there merit there?

abbieanders · 01/12/2015 22:03

I would feel sad for him that he didn't live a longer or happier life but for me, I think a little part of me would feel free.

It's not really the same thing, but I know a person who cared for an elderly parent with dementia for many years who felt the same way. Of course it's natural with overwhelming demands that govern your whole life there is relief when you have some control and independence back, especially when it's thankless work for the welfare of someone who cannot relate to you.

OP, please don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you don't love your son the way you think that a mother usually does. I think we all wonder whether the maternal love we feel is the same as that which others do - there's so much pressure for it to be all encompassing and overwhelming and sudden the second you see your child but I imagine it's different for everyone. The main thing is that you're able to give your son what he needs. Not everyone could so for him, maybe you give the love he needs.

shazzarooney99 · 01/12/2015 22:04

dont know what board this is on but you might be better on the specail needs board too luv xx

M4blues · 01/12/2015 22:06

I am about to name change so I will post this first. I have 4 children. 1 has severe autism. I am absolutely sure in my heart that I do not love him in the way I love the other 3. He has had major issues from birth and I believe this meant we didn't bond in the way it happened with my others. I'm utterly ashamed and in fact heartbroken that I feel this way but it is not a 2 way relationship at all. I give; and give, and give. He takes. It is not his fault. He is a child with a major disability which makes interpersonal relationships very difficult. I do all I can to meet all his needs but if I'm really honest, then no, I don't think I love him. I know what all consuming parental love feels like and it's simply not there for ds3.

Original poster

Kettlesingsatnight · 01/12/2015 22:06

I wouldn't be brave enough to post on special needs! Those women (and occasional men) fiercely love their children, of course. I actually thought I'd get a roasting on here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kettlesingsatnight · 01/12/2015 22:07

God bless you *M4^; I am exactly the same.

OP posts:

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 01/12/2015 22:10

Love is a verb. It sounds to me like you show your son love every single day by your actions.

I think all of us dream of space, freedom and time for ourselves. That's utterly normal.

Don't give yourself a hard time.

Whatevva · 01/12/2015 22:10

I have a 24 year old and feel like you.

I know I have loved him more than anything else at times.

But at the moment it is hard, I have little in return, there are other things in my life that are hard and I haven't the energy to deal with him. There are things that he "should" be doing and isn't. I know when I think "should" that I am not dealing with the reality, but I don't want that reality. I am tired, and I want something else but it isn't there. I want what others take for granted.

I will go to bed and tomorrow will be another day.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/12/2015 22:12

I know what all consuming parental love feels like and it's simply not there for ds3.

But you work so very hard for him. It's bound to affect how you feel. Completely understandable.

for you both.

M4blues · 01/12/2015 22:13

I think it's a massive taboo. And just to be clear; I don't feel nothing for him. And I certainly feel a massive responsibility towards him and I do all I can to make his life as smooth as possible. It's just I know how I feel about my other children and it's not the same. It's why I don't really post on SN. I'd feel a fraud and not worthy as its plain to see how many of those parents love their child so fiercely.

Headofthehive55 · 01/12/2015 22:16

Yes, I remember caring for my baby with special needs, she wouldn't even give me eye contact. It was all exhausting with little return. I felt like you. The expectation is that you love them overwhelmingly. But I think loving someone is a two way process, caring for someone is not.

Everyone told me how marvellous I was doing etc, but it hurt for years. I missed the little milestones when you'd get excited that they rolled over or something, but because she was so slow even when she did achieve something it seemed to be a struggle and I never seemed to feel joy in the same way.

MrsDeVere · 01/12/2015 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLife4Me · 01/12/2015 22:20

You have done all these things for him because you love him.
I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes, but would like to offer you

CwtchMeQuick · 01/12/2015 22:22

Different situation here, but I remember my DM saying to me when DS was about 11 months old 'but of course you love him though?' And I couldn't tell her that I did.
I was a young mum, I'd just left DS's dad due to domestic violence, I had nowhere to live, and all in all it was a pretty low time in my life.
However I look back now and I think of course I loved him! I went through all the motions I had to, made sure he was well cared for, protected him fiercely. Of course I loved him. Everyday I went through the acts of loving him. I think at that time I just couldn't deal with opening myself up to that love.

Sometimes our minds protect us from emotions that are complicated and difficult to deal with.
From the outside it sounds like you love your son very much. But perhaps it's too difficult to love him when you have to deal with everything on a practical level?

shazzarooney99 · 01/12/2015 22:23

Kettlesingsatnight, i dont think anyone would give you a roasting on the Sn board luv, i think sometimes we just all get bogged down, cant see the wood for the trees sort of thing, do you know what i mean? I have to say i feel a little peeved that ive not had time to greive for my mother who died around 6 weeks ago because ive spent most of my time with my son and his meltdowns, but then again it maybe a good thing that ive not had time to dwell on it!

People are more understanding than you think, it is hard, it is an ongoing battle theres not doubt about that, but you can do this. and we are all hee for you xx

Original poster

Kettlesingsatnight · 01/12/2015 22:24

I am the same M4

MrsDeVere, mines adopted too which throws in a whole other can of worms but as I say I self righteously decided he would have a better life with me than with anyone else!

I think I have detached and refined and sorted my own expectations and freed myself.

OP posts:

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/12/2015 22:26

I think you love him. I think what is missing is the feeling you get when your love is returned, which due to his condition you don't feel it is, which is sad and heart breaking.

I think this is more about protecting yourself from the ongoing emotional pain. It's almost like a permanent grieving process. Don't be hard on yourself

Headofthehive55 · 01/12/2015 22:27

Ooh I see what you mean mredevere. I was told last week it must have done me good to have a child who struggles with the academic side ( residual brain impairment) er why? I didn't do it to go on a journey of self improvement! I'm not that superhuman parent either.

I just stood there mouth open. Still struggling to work it out!

Nydj · 01/12/2015 22:28

I don't think you have had to put the love to one side - I think you have simply learnt the best way to demonstrate your love for him and also, it must be pretty exhausting caring for him so, again I suspect, you are loving him in a way that requires the least 'effort' as a survival tactic as you possibly realise that you can't do everything and remain sane.

With regards to your thoughts regarding how you would feel if your child was taken away from you, I think they are totally natural and normal and all carers have them to some to some extent. You are just brave enough to admit it.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 01/12/2015 22:30

I have 4 DDs, one has severe SENs.

I was thinking the other day about how difficult she is to love. I always thought I'd love my children the same and even though you do love them differently, with DD3 it's a different love again. It is more like you're describing - a functional love deeply hidden within you're role as a carer. And secretary, PA, interpreter, valiant fighter within a broken system.... No, you may not have the stereotypical gushing earth mother love, but what you do have is a very strong sense of self preservation and survival. Love is in there, it's just harder to see.

CreepingDogFart · 01/12/2015 22:30

You love him so much and you need a break. Can you arrange any time for yourself? You really do need a couple of days apart if possible. This will confirm your love in your own mind whilst also giving you some respite. You must try to get some space xx

DixieNormas · 01/12/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2 3 4