First time mum here so not sure what is considered the 'norm' when it comes to in-laws

[Inshock73]

I have a six month old baby, DP and I have a great relationship and I get on extremely well with all of DP's family.

We live half an hour away from in-laws and since baby was born they've requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated. From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week. They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us. They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen!

I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents. We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them. They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!

I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.

AIBU?

[BertrandRussell]

"OP, chances are your PIL will just cut a lock of hair from your DC if left unwatched. Knock the unsupervised access on the head now."

Jesus Christ!

I presume if they do snip a curl (and you'll know because you count every curl every morning, right?) you immediately report them to the police for assault, yes?

[IJustLostTheGame]

Some of it I think is normal.
My dd has toys which only live at my parents house and she has her own room there.

My in laws have the same, however they have started being weird (well, more weird than normal) about whenever they buy her clothes they have to stay at theirs.
Mil also makes dd a stocking. I hate this. I just make sure my stocking is given first as I've refused to stay at theirs at Christmas.
They've started wanting set days a week too. This has been crushed as dd is starting pre school and I'm now unkind and selfish.

They're weird. Put your foot down over the weird stuff or it will escalate.

[Krampus]

IjustLost that is nutty about the clothes. Are they expecting to change her into their clothes when she arrives and take them off when she goes

Demanding rigid set days and stropping about it is so counter productive. It's certainly a way to ensure you don't get to see your grand kids so regularly.

[Jux]

Jeanniejampots, that's an excellent solution. You're taking away woth one hand and giving with the other, and everyone gets something.

Jeannie's position is authoritative - she is the mother and she will decide - leaves no one in any doubt as to what is going to happen. As a result she can give everyone a figurative pat on the head making them feel special, while holding her own position as the decision maker.

Take that position. You are the ultimate decision maker vis a vis your child. Believe that, remember it, tell yourself every day "I am the one in charge" with your head high and your shoulders straight.

Now you've got yourself at the top of the tree, you can afford to be generous to the people on the lower branches.

Get that mindset. Whatever she says or does, tell yourself "I am the one in charge". Then think "what would Jeannie do?"

[IJustLostTheGame]

Krampus
I have no idea! Supposedly it's when she stays at theirs. But I've stamped on that as Mil tried to tell me how to do things in a 'we do this better than you and know how to manage dd better than you' way. It really pissed me off as she's stayed their maybe 7 times in 3 years.
They are seriously weird.
They held me hostage over the summer when our house was being done and I'd had enough and wanted to leave. They locked my suitcases away and DH had to come back and rescue me.

I am jealous of all those with lovely in laws.

[CPtart]

They may not have had their turn to be grandparents and I understand they're excited, but the parents' needs and wishes trump theirs by a long way. And their relationship to the DC should absolutely be at the pleasure of the parents. They have to fit in instead of encroaching on every special moment. All part of a bigger picture.
Are they retired? Do they have any hobbies or interests?

[Anotherusername1]

What's wrong with them doing a stocking? My in-laws did a stocking for my ds until he was about 12. So did we (we still do). So ds got two. I can't see a problem with that.

[Anotherusername1]

In my house FC brings a stocking and no one else

well in our house he sometimes brought more than one stocking, or a stocking and some presents left alongside it. Same when I was a kid, I used to have a few things in a stocking but there were often things that were too big to go inside, so they sat on the floor next to it.

I really think people are making a mountain out of a molehill about the stocking.

[zipzap]

Do you reckon that MIL's MIL or even her own mum took over and did lots of things for her children, like the stockings or doing the first haircut or whatever, so that she has been consoling herself with the fact that she'll get her 'turn' to do these things when she is a grandmother. or that she loved doing them so much first time around that she can't wait to do them again - maybe she wanted another child or is just selfish and can't see that you are going to obviously want your turn.

If that's the case then she's also had years and years and years to sit there brooding about doing them for all these years... so they've become big and important and obvious to her. She's not going to let herself be put off these things - but if this is the reason then it might be that you can use it as a good starting ppoint for understanding her behaviour and for dh to talk to her about it and get her to realise that it's inappropriate so calm it down...

[BertrandRussell]

"And their relationship to the DC should absolutely be at the pleasure of the parents."

Really? Should all children's relationships be "at the pleasure of the parents" or just the grandparents?

[CPtart]

On a case by case basis. In this instance where the primary career is unhappy only six months in....then yes.

[coconutpie]

YANBU. Your PILs sound completely overbearing. I can't believe you were bulldozed into weekly visits without you present from when your baby was a newborn. That is awful.

[Senpai]

My parents have a baby room they're painting girly just for DD when she spends weekends with them once a month. They also have separate toys, clothes, and basic care items for her at their place.

I like that they get her for a few days each month to give me and DH a break. It makes it relaxing to know that she's going to a place where she'll be spoiled rotten doted on and have a good time herself.

The difference is, when I tell them something they respect it and don't push the issue.

If you don't want them to do the stocking, then they don't get to do it. My parents still get DD stocking stuffers, they just wrap them up in individually so she gets a bunch of little presents as well as a couple big ones.