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AIBU?

First time mum here so not sure what is considered the 'norm' when it comes to in-laws

163 replies

Inshock73 · 01/12/2015 08:36

I have a six month old baby, DP and I have a great relationship and I get on extremely well with all of DP's family.

We live half an hour away from in-laws and since baby was born they've requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated. From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week. They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us. They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen!

I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents. We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them. They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!

I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2015 21:34

I think there is something deeply rooted in our psyche that says men should not have a close relationship with their mothers in adulthood. A lot of women say quite openly that they chat to their mothers most days but a man who said the same would be regarded with suspicion. Very sad.

stubbornstains · 01/12/2015 21:43

Inshock! Yay! (waves frantically).

How the devil are you??? (apart from being burdened with "interesting" in laws ).

I agree with the PPs who have suggested "retraining" for the ILs. Reasserting those boundaries is going to be an ongoing exercise I feel....

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2015 21:44

she must have thought she could start all over again but with my DDs
I think this is very common in GPs, as is trying to over-correct for what they see in flaws in their own parents (as we all do of course)

Really? Not in my experience.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 01/12/2015 21:44

Oh No! I think its very important, its a great sign if a man is close to his Mother. Some Mothers however, feel pushed out by their sons lovers.

tywinlannister · 01/12/2015 21:46

I had a room at my Grandparents. I stayed there every weekend from toddler age as my parents were working/going out, up until I was about 15.

I had my own toys there, they had me and my brothers hand prints on the wall, there were pictures of us everywhere.

When my Dad died, my Grandad took the role and I can honestly say that I love them so much for everything they did for us because my Mum needed the help. So I don't think its weird but if its upsetting you then YANBU.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 01/12/2015 21:47

Clock you can easily get out of that scenario, don't let her win. You can say anything to claw it back and do.

Bertrand, some Grannies are vile to the childs mother, probably over much more than a bloody stocking, do not blame the Mother.

abbieanders · 01/12/2015 21:52

Well the op specifically said that they get on well, so it's not a case of appalling people doing dreadful things, despite the number of posters trying to encourage the op to behave in a dramatically alienating and hostile fashion towards he in laws.

Krampus · 01/12/2015 21:54

I don't agree Bertrand. One thing I've always noticed is how well a partner gets on with their Mum, also Dad and siblings. I would question if he were long term partner material if he had no respect for, or didn't care about, their parents or family. Of course there could be good reasons why they kept their distance. Friends of mine have said the same.

Indole · 01/12/2015 21:56

the op specifically said that they get on well

Yup. What this actually means is that previously she has always done everything they told her to do. Things may change if she decides to have some ideas of her own.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2015 22:03

"Bertrand, some Grannies are vile to the childs mother, probably over much more than a bloody stocking, do not blame the Mother." Well I will blame the mother if it's her fault. Which it sometimes is. Some dils are vile too. Although nobody on mumsnet would ever admit that!

abbieanders · 01/12/2015 22:06

Things may change if she decides to have some ideas of her own.

Well clearly the solution is to kick the old bitch in the fanny just in case.

Indole · 01/12/2015 22:11

Er, that is a little odd. Clearly the solution is to make sure that all parties know what OP is comfortable and happy with (as the child's actual mother). Should the OP be unreasonably demanding to take her own kid to school for the first time, or whatever, I feel absolutely sure that the in-laws won't hold back from telling her how wrong she is.

Indole · 01/12/2015 22:12

Mind you, if you want to come over and kick my MIL in the fanny, feel free. She is even worse than OP's.

abbieanders · 01/12/2015 22:16

This is my point though, we have no reason to imagine that the OP's in laws are bad at all. They're clearly excited and besotted but since it doesn't appear that the op has given them any reason to think that they're overstepping, it's probably a minor miscommunication that can be sorted out without this bizarre belligerence that so many posters are recommending.

Krampus · 01/12/2015 22:19

Bertrand, it's true that some dils are vile. Any individual from a category of person or group can be vile.

Do you have a dil that you don't get on with?

Indole · 01/12/2015 22:24

Oh come on, anyone behaving like that to a new mother has no self awareness or empathy at all - these are pretty vital components of not being a gratuitous arse to other people. The MIL in particular should know better, having once been a new mother herself.

abbieanders · 01/12/2015 22:28

Well I have a six month old, I'm not especially convinced that any particularly heinous crime has been committed.

InYearAdmissions · 01/12/2015 22:30

My Mil did the stocking. And ordered a cake for DD1's first bday even though I said I was making it...

DD was her first grandchild and I found it all a bit much.

Indole · 01/12/2015 22:31

Maybe you have nice non-pushy in-laws, abbie? I can see it's hard to understand if you do.

Krampus · 01/12/2015 22:32

Agree Abbieanders

The inlaws may be complete nightmares, or they maybe a bit on the daftly besotted side, or they may have been well meaning and would be mortified that they misunderstood. We don't know.

First steps would be to be gentle and try to have a few pleasant chats on the lead up to next year. Mil and FIL before you rush off and fill a stocking from Santa we have chosen to do...... Greatly appreciate any presents from you but would like her to grow up knowing who presents are from. Inlaws reactions will tell much about their intentions.

timelytess · 01/12/2015 22:32

The opening post was enough for me, I haven't been able to read comments or follow-ups.

No-one has the right to take your baby from you, whether for an hour, a morning, a day, overnight - no-one.

Put your foot down now.

woodwaj · 01/12/2015 22:52

Yanbu. Its your baby and what you say goes. We do leave toys at grandparents though it's easier, I'm pretty sure we could borrow them if I asked though! I have just bought my boys stocking and wouldn't have let anyone else do it. Someone's bought a "my 1st birthday" t-shirt whilst I realise it was bought out of excitement he will be wearing what I decide . It may seem petty but I don't care!

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zipzap · 01/12/2015 23:06

Sounds like you need to get a chain for the door for christmas this year!

clockbuscanada · 01/12/2015 23:19

Thanks for all the nice comments, I downplayed it at the time with a jolly "that doesn't sound right to me" but most of all I'm hoping DD doesn't trot the theory out to the other DC in her class who still believe. I've NC'd since DD was born but MIL has serious form for serial fuckwittery and I know she's had unpleasant things happen in her life to make her like this, and a key life event like having a grandchild throws up a lot of complicated feelings, but DH had a seriously warped upbringing (as did I, but that's another story) and I don't want that for DD.

OP, for some of us this "overstepping" is normal, and for some people, it's okay and they can tolerate it or even enjoy it. For other people, it feels unsettling and intrusive and upsetting. If you fall into the latter camp there is nothing wrong with recognising your feelings and trying to make things better for you, and getting your DH to tell her to calm down a bit, or letting your inner tiger out, or talking it over with your HV, friends, or on here, whatever works for you.

Pennybun4 · 02/12/2015 00:20

OP, chances are your PIL will just cut a lock of hair from your DC if left unwatched. Knock the unsupervised access on the head now.

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