I have a six month old baby, DP and I have a great relationship and I get on extremely well with all of DP's family.
We live half an hour away from in-laws and since baby was born they've requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated. From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week. They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us. They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen!
I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents. We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them. They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!
I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.
AIBU?
AIBU?
First time mum here so not sure what is considered the 'norm' when it comes to in-laws
Inshock73 · 01/12/2015 08:36
I doubt they think they are being kind and generous. That would mean they are thinking they are helping the OP. Demanding hair and telling OP what is what is not being kind and generous. I think all they are focused on is what they want, which is to be some sort of surrogate parent to their DGC
You are missing the point. There is a disconnect between what they think they are doing and what they are actually doing.
I am not defending them or saying that I think they are simply being kind & generous. But I can promise you that - in their own minds - that is their motive. The more controlling people are, the stronger the psychological justifications they create for their behaviours. I bet you all the 
in China that the GP react as if the OP is ungratefully throwing their altruistic generosity in their faces. She needs to be prepared for this reaction or they will guilt her into letting them do what they want.
Most of it sounds like over excited grandparents tbh, a bit much yes, especially the stocking which I would draw the line at.
But From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week.
Errr a few weeks old ? While that might work for some people if offered, that is not something that can be demanded! No way was I going to be leaving my DS anywhere for an afternoon when he was a few weeks old! 
God, it's hard work isn't it? I'm non-confrontational too so I actively avoid shouting about stuff like this but, with respect to PPs, I don't think it's as easy as saying 'fuck off'. This stuff happens in spits and spots that, at the time, it'd be weird to say no to but it slowly builds up. There might be big infractions from time to time but they're just pushing the envelope wider for later piss-takes. I'm not sue whether they really think about what they're doing or they're so assured by the rightness of their position that it justifies any action of theirs in their minds. It'll carry on as long as you let it though, so you'll need to grit your teeth and start fending them off now or prepare for a really huge blow up when you do have a show down in time to come.
For context I have a bit of this with my DM whom I haven't got on well with for a long time. I thought things were getting better when I had DD1 but after a huge fall out recently I realise that she must have thought she could start all over again but with my DDs. During our argument her only concern was getting access to 'her' grandchildren on her terms which I had to really stamp on. She also used the de facto childcare she'd come to provide once a week as a kind of bargaining tool to force me to comply. It's really messed up and though she's come back from her huge flounce off and reinstigated contact, I feel like it's providing contact for an unpleasant ex-p. So if I can advise anything, OP, it's to put your foot down now to save later heartache. 
she must have thought she could start all over again but with my DDs
I think this is very common in GPs, as is trying to over-correct for what they see in flaws in their own parents (as we all do of course). So, if the GP feel that their own parents took little interest in GC, or never helped out, they overcompensate. Kind but firm boundary- and expectation-setting helps everyone and works for GP who are genuinely trying to do the right thing as well as controlling GP like those in the OP. What is makes things worse is if the poor person in the OP's situation grits her teeth and puts off saying anything because 'they are only trying to help' till things get out of hand and then ends up completely losing it, so that it ends in a massive bust-up. Christmas Day lunch is the traditional time for losing it, as nothing takes the heat out of an emotional situation like an undercooked turkey, overexcited kids, too much wine and a massive sugar rush from eating Quality Street for breakfast 
It is very difficult to keep emotions out of these situations but, if at all possible, the OP & DP should find a non-Noel time when everyone is calm, acknowledge the GPs' love for the GC and their generosity but explain the boundaries. OP & DP should decide in advance on what they are happy to share with GPs and what are non-negotiables and stick to this whatever happens. It would be great if the DP feels able to do this alone but not if he is going to cave under pressure. It may be better to present a united front.
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he took her out to a toy shop and explained that Santa doesn't bring the presents, Grandma does
I would be absolutely livid. How dare she?
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