First time mum here so not sure what is considered the 'norm' when it comes to in-laws

[Inshock73]

I have a six month old baby, DP and I have a great relationship and I get on extremely well with all of DP's family.

We live half an hour away from in-laws and since baby was born they've requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated. From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week. They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us. They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen!

I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents. We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them. They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!

I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.

AIBU?

[QueenofallIsee]

There is no 'norm' OP, only what individuals are comfortable with. Your In Laws are grasping at your daughter and you are uncomfortable with it - that is all there is to it.

Your husband can help you, if you explain that their insistences are making you feel unappreciated and undermined so you feel its important that you are able to say no to them when you need too with his help. Don't put your foot down on things that you don't care about/for the sake of it but absolutely assert yourself on the things that matter. Stockings and what not are not the issue, that to me is just another way of a grandparent wrapping pressies..until you see that they expect you to let them be Santa INSTEAD of you. That is a problem.

[FretYeNot]

Bloody hell, as a parent, that would have done my head in. As a grandparent, I'm still agog. I have toys here for my grandkids, I've got a travel cot. Things to make my dd's life easier. But her children are hers; my role is to support her and her partner, and to dote on their children. I have no right to demand time with the children, I do babysit though, when they ask me to. I havent babysat their youngest yet, he's only two months and (reasonably) she doesn't want to be parted from him.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

A friend recently had her first child. In the final months before her son was born she was on the receiving end of a lot of pressure to use "family names" with some random tradition going back years where the sons got a random and very bizarre set of names.

She put her foot down and said there was no way on earth his middle names were going to be Winston Fortescue Smythe [not real names obv] and her in-laws pouted for a bit but they are over it.

Its the first first born grandson in 6 generations who hasn't been lumbered with the names. You can break a "tradition"

[SiegeofEnnis]

Never an issue with us, really, as all grandparents live in a different country, though there were a few things DH had to speak to his parents about, generational differences in parenting techniques, really. And while I've always found DH's mother's obsession with shopping incredibly tiresome (and productive of the most utterly horrible fluorescent matinee jackets and matchy baby outfits), there's no doubting that she has produced some incredibly successful and beloved toys for DS when he got a bit older.

Anyone who told me something 'in no uncertain terms' would be getting a swift 'fuck off' from me, I have to say. And I think an insistence on having a newborn alone, away from its parents - unless there's some emergency, or a parent is visibly cracking and/or requests it - is screechingly possessive and insensitive.

As someone else said, being interested is lovely. A string of demands makes them sound more like hostage-takers.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Just tell her to fuck off. Better for her to have the hump now and get over herself than to live with that sort of crap.

No hair, no stocking, no fucking set contact time. She is a grandmother, not a mother.


Seriously, for the sake of your own sanity and your family dynamic you need to get some distance from this woman.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Start retraining them now. Reward the good behaviour. Punish the bad.

Requests will be generally received positively, but make sure you say no often enough.

Make a point of rejecting "demands" on principle. Or at the very least telling them you'll think about it and get back to them in a couple of days (if the demand is actually something that you would have agreed with if it were a request).

Any attempt at emotional blackmail or any tantrumming means the request / demand is automatically rejected.

Generally behave as if you are the boss / the queen. Because you are.

You will need these skills to be a good parent anyway so practise on the ILs.

[zipzap]

If she does insist on doing stockings then you can just say that it's 'Granny's stocking - it's not your real stocking from Santa, just Granny having some fun making a stocking for you'. It becomes a different tradition, but you get to make the real Santa stocking - and have fun every time you say 'it's not your real stocking, it's just a Granny Stocking' while you watch your mil turn purple as she tries to insist it is real

I'd definitely nip the one afternoon a week thing in the bud now though - Christmas coming up is a great time for there to be 'things' that you need to do that are one offs - even if it's visiting the christmas lights, going to see a friend for a 'christmas' get together designed to be on this day to stop the PILs or even just going to the supermarket.

Also I figure I was lucky that my Mil lived a long way away so didn't get to see us very often as I would have hated having to see her every week. My mum comes every week - or she did once I moved out of London and now live about half an hour away. I didn't even notice she'd decided she was coming regularly as a thing until she was talking to somebody about it and I thought hang on... (She does an activity that's half way between us, then comes on afterwards). I knew she'd asked what we were doing and could she come over a few times - I hadn't clicked that she was turning it into a regular thing. My dc are much older now and it's nice that they see her and have got to know her but I'm quite a solitary and lazy person and sometimes find it quite an effort (despite loving my mum lots and getting on very well with her) as I'd rather be reading MN a book or going out taking photos rather than chatting and being told I'm too messy (it's true but still don't like being told!).

What would happen if you said that you wanted them to come over when DH was around - seems unfair that you have to deal with PIL without him! Or would that impact too much on your weekends and holidays?

[NoSquirrels]

What FishWithABicycle said, YY to all of that as to what is normal and what is not.

Look, you have to be prepared to be a bit unpopular. And stick to it. Just because in DP's family GPs have always done stockings doesn't mean that it has to be that way for YOUR family.

Stockings are from Father Christmas! And the lock of hair thing and Easter Eggs is insane too. No chocolate if you say so, and they MUST respect that, or you won't be able to leave her with them unsupervised. I am quite laid back over GP treats, but all my DC's GPs are reasonable people so I see no harm in indulging them a little. I also would not be doing 1 set day a week dictated by them for handing over the baby - what if you fancy doing something else? Don't set precedents now that you will struggle to change later.

You don't have to be so "laid back" that your principles and wishes get trampled on. Be reasonable, yes - offer them the chance to do something special just for "them" at Christmas, for example, INSTEAD OF the stocking, but do set out your expectations and refuse anything that is "stated" or "demanded". They are not in any way the boss of you!

You do need your DP on board, though, and you haven't mentioned too much about him so hard to tell if he'll stick up for you.

[Jux]

Step away. Put a stop to the regular day and let MIL strop. She has no right to have dd like that, so I would 'train' her now not to expect it. You will have to be strong, as once you give in one thing another will come along.

Think about your own parents. Do they make dh feel uncomfortable, do they take over traditions he held dear? Every time your MIL ask/demands something, think about whether your own parents would want the same, be have the same. If not, say no, or make an excuse - you can make things up in these circumstances.

HV and gp appointments are useful things to pull out of a bag.

[NoSquirrels]

Start retraining them now. Reward the good behaviour. Punish the bad.

Generally behave as if you are the boss / the queen. Because you are.

You will need these skills to be a good parent anyway so practise on the ILs.

O, and YY to RunRabbit

[Inertia]

Honestly, it seems that the more you accommodate them the more they will take.

You have to start telling them what you do and don't agree to . Tough shit if MIL gets the hump. Your PIL got to have their choice of traditions when they had their own children.

It does seem as though your willingness to be part of the family makes it appear that you are happy to go along with the idea that your baby is part of some kind of timeshare scheme, where ILs get the plum slots and fun experiences, and you get to do the cleaning/ maintenance and pay costs.

[AbeSaidYes]

No this is not normal. Can you find an activity on the 'set day' and tell them that it's no longer possible for you to leave her with them but that they are welcome to come and see her at yours on any other day?

RE the stocking - you need to tell them that they can make a stocking if they like but you will be doing one which she will open on Christmas morning at your house before she gets theirs because that is your tradition.

What is the plan for Christmas generally? Will their ideas clash with yours?

[Lozza1990]

My in laws are also very much involved in the same way yours are, and I did find it a bit much especially the first couple of months. If you don't want to leave her with them you don't have to. Mine also take DS for a few hours a week, keep toys at their house, buy him lots of things etc. but it's not in any way forced upon us. No one can assume that anyone is being unreasonable unless you've actually told them, maybe you just need to put your foot down a bit more.

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

I agree that you should start putting your foot down and saying no. They have absolutely no "right" to demand any of these things. Some people might really appreciate them, but that's not the sodding point.

I always find it a little bewildering that so many people on MN seem to lack the capacity to tell people to (in politer terms) simply fuck off.

I would be prepared to go in quite strong, and deal with the fallout. Otherwise if you try to be nicey nicey about it they will keep pushing and pushing, then basically just trying to tire you out until you just start agreeing again for an easier life.

It's easier to simply say "No, that's not what will be happening. This is our child, and the stocking will be coming from us. That is not up for discussion. If you want to contribute something, great, but that's it".

Likewise on the afternoons. Tell them "Now baby X is a little older, I want some more flexibility in arranging plans on this side, so don't expect that she will be at yours every week without fail". If they get even the slightest bit huffy, then snap straight back "It's nice that you want to spend time with baby X, but to be 100% clear - this isn't a RIGHT that you have. Our daughter is not subject to some sort of custody agreement between her own parents and you two"

[OnlyLovers]

I agree with goodness above. Just be firm (it's only as firm as they've been when they've 'told' you how things will be done!) and very very clear.

If you tend to get flustered/get drawn into arguments, be prepared to repeat the same things over and over as necessary. Stay 'on script'.

Tell your DH to stand the fuck up to them as well.

[blobbityblob]

YANBU

I think gp can sometimes get a bit "in love" with babies. Then they turn into toddlers and become very hard work.

To see the positives though, I'd be in seventh heaven to have had someone take my dc for a night, just once! Or come over and take charge when I had tonsilitis so I could go to bed.

What are they going to do if more gc come along? Do they live in a mansion?

[Marcipex]

I have toys for our grandchildren that stay here, otherwise there'd be nothing here to play with. They understand that they don't take them home.
I also have a tiny lock of hair from dgs's first hair cut.

Decorating a room for your child is a bit odd. I have a spare room suitable for child visitors, it has books, toys, night light etc.
Anyone can sleep there, however, there's no name on the door.

[StormyBlue]

The stocking thing is all that would really bother me, because I am sentimental about that kind of thing so it would piss me off if someone was trying to take over.

My DMIL did the bedroom thing. She had a room with a bunk bed in from when her two boys were young, so she got rid of it and put a nice new single bed in there for DSS. Then DS was born, so guess what? She's having to get rid of her new single bed and look for another bunk bed. It only lasted a few years!

[gotthemoononastick]

You are not being unreasonable,OP,...I am a granny and understand that you are feeling upset and unquiet .This is wrong.

My Dds and Ddils hate too much stuff as well,so I have a little wooden chest that I keep for each Dgd (only have girls) to be given when they are 16. Instead of adding to the sea of toys,I add a beautiful cloth -bound book of poems, recipes,or fairytales,or a piece of family jewellery with a card to mark every Christmas or Birthday.
They all know about these chests and the jewellery. No fighting as Granny chose what suited . Mysterious and joyful anticipation,not macabre at all.
Thing is that I have had to quickly telescope the 16 years so that the four year old's is almost there.

Wish all the grannys would do this instead of aggravating. PLEASE JUST LISTEN to the overwhelmed young ones!

[shinynewusername]

What RunRabbit says.

And brace yourself for a reaction. In their own minds, they are being kind and generous. Most people who are controlling believe that they are acting from altruistic motives. But that doesn't mean that you have to accept what they want.

[CFSsucks]

You are going to have to get tough with them.

They don't get to demand or tell you anything. You are the mother and you are perfectly well within your rights to say "we're busy X day so we'll have to arrange another day for the visit" also they don't get to demand you baby without you there. They may as well piss on her to mark their territory. I am gobsmacked that they told their own in laws they can't visit the baby when she is with them! This needs nipping in the bud. When baby is older and you are doing more with her or she is at nursery, they will still be demanding their time and it could ruin your time with her.

Tough shit if GPs have done stocking in their family. The baby, you and DP are a little family and you get to make traditions with your child and future children. Tell them you are doing your own traditions not following their family's. Also don't tell them anything in future. Don't tell them your plans (Christmas eve box), when she is having a haircut etc etc. Are they going to demand her first tooth too!

They sound awful and overbearing to the extreme. I wouldn't take it and the more you let them do this, the worse it will get. Soon it will be them wanting to take her on holidays and them wanting to muscle in on everything like first day at school etc etc. These things are precious to me and I'd hate the thought of any relative trying to muscle in on every single thing with my baby/child.

[CFSsucks]

I doubt they think they are being kind and generous. That would mean they are thinking they are helping the OP. Demanding hair and telling OP what is what is not being kind and generous. I think all they are focused on is what they want, which is to be some sort of surrogate parent to their DGC.

[Enjolrass]

I don't think it's all that bad.

The wanting her one afternoon every week, isn't ok if your aren't ready. They may think they are helping and want time with her in their own.

The visiting the same day every week, again not that odd. But I wouldn't put myself out to do it and it depends on their reaction if you say you can't this week.

The rest sounds like over excited gps.

I don't see the issue with them doing a stocking as well. It's a common tradition. Yabu to object to a stocking being done imo. It doesn't make your less special.

The casts is a fairly normal thing to ask for, the lock of hair is a bit of a tradition in my family. I find it a bit odd, myself . But don't mind.

Personally I think there is no norm. They can't demand but I would suggest compromising on somethings.

They are family, I always pick my battles.

It doesn't matter if the have a clay mouldy of her hands and do a stocking. It doesn't effect me so I would be fine with it.

[GruntledOne]

In your position I would start making sure that I only arranged things like HV appointments on the GP's day, and manufacturing loads of other reasons why DD can't go there that day, e.g. planned visits to friends, mother and baby groups, trips out etc. And if they demand another day instead, just be quite firm about saying "No, that doesn't work" and decline to discuss it further.

As for the stocking - do people really do them for 6 month olds anyway? - I doubt you will be able to prevent them from doing it. You can however say, very firmly, that the stocking she gets first thing on Christmas morning will come from you, and you are not prepared to tell her that Santa has brought their stocking as it would be bloody ridiculous having to explain why he's made a second delivery.

[Wharm14]

I'm currently pregnant with my MIL's third grandchild. (our first baby, BIL & SIL have two kids) Before I got pregnant, MIL would bemoan how my SIL (her other DIL)wouldn't allow her to do stockings for her existing two GC and I thought quietly to myself how SIL had the right idea and it was weird for MIL to want to do stockings for them. My DH didn't think that was odd though but I pointed out to him that stocking come from Santa not GP's! Reading this has just reminded me of those conversations, so I'm on my guard for this when our's is born! We escape this xmas I hope as baby is due next March but I will also be saying a firm NO to MIL doing a stocking for our little one, that is for us to do and as other people have said, to start our own family traditions.
Good Luck OP, sounds like you might need it!