First time mum here so not sure what is considered the 'norm' when it comes to in-laws

[Inshock73]

I have a six month old baby, DP and I have a great relationship and I get on extremely well with all of DP's family.

We live half an hour away from in-laws and since baby was born they've requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated. From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week. They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us. They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen!

I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents. We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them. They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!

I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.

AIBU?

[ImperialBlether]

Clock, are you really going to spend Christmas Day with your MIL after that?

[GruntledOne]

I do agree it seems pointless angsting about who gives a 6 month old a stocking. The baby will neither know nor care.

[toffeeboffin]

Not read the whole thread.

But honestly OP I would be chuffed to bits if my in-laws took so much interest in DS. They have seen him four (4) times this year.

[toffeeboffin]

FWIW DS is 2.

[zeetea]

clock omg I would be so furious! that is horrid!

[Everythinggettingbigger]

I'm not going to go into details or tell stories about my PILs but there is a lot of them, and they were a nightmare.....an absolute nightmare and I actually seriously think my MIL had a big contribution to my PND.

But......things that really bothered me when I was pg and when DS was still small just don't seem as big a deal now, like why wouldn't they want to have his hand and footprints? hes their first grandchild and they are just as excited as we are.....granted they did need to back off a bit as sometimes even now they do still forget that they have had their children, its my DP and my turn now. My best friend now has a DS but when she was pg and she would be telling me stories of her DMIL I would just think to myself, is she really that bothered about this, but then I think back to how I felt. I think as time goes on and your DD gets a little older, you will be grateful just to see how loved she is.

My DM now has 6 grandchildren (my DS was the 2nd, however my DN was stillborn a few months before him, so kind of their first too) im now pg with her 7th (my 2nd) and she tries her hardest to split her time between them all and I don't doubt for a second that she loves my DS as much as the others, but he is still the only grandchild for my PIL and he has such a close relationship with them, I adore watching him interact with them and just seeing the love they all have for one another.

I honestly think things that are bothering you now, will be nothing in the near future.

I hope that made sense and didn't just seem like me waffling on!

[RedToothBrush]

Unless grandparents are actively unpleasant, just let them get on with it. Children can't have too much love in their lives.

Love does not equal presents. Nor does it equal Grandparents constantly interfering and suffocating the parents.

You can be nice and well meaning doing both, but that is not necessarily in the best interests of the child.

[abbieanders]

You see, I don't think they sound all that bad. They sound very excited indeed and I think there's a possibility that you haven't indicated any displeasure at all, OP, so they genuinely have no clue that they're upsetting you. The fact remains that they are, though, so clearly you will have to think carefully about what is annoying you and divide those things into what you can't let go of and what you're going to put a stop to.

And be ruthless with both. If you decide one issue or another you can let go of, make sure you do actually let it go. But also don't let your red lines be crossed.

[Blu]

Tell them firmly but pleasantly that everyone knows that Father Christmas brings stockings to the house and that Mummy and Daddy get to do the FC act. Tell them that they are quite welcome to continue doing a stocking for their son but you and DH will be doing the stocking for your baby.

And every so often shake up the afternoon . Say you need to go on a different day or time , or say 'why not come to ours this week as I have to wait in for x,y,z delivery : workman'. I.e when they try and call all the shots, dodge them .

[LagunaBubbles]

I only found out in a shopping centre on Saturday when DD explained to me that Santa was pretend, Grandma told her. No doubt you think me being annoyed by this is precious, but it's really taken the shine off Christmas for me

Why on earth would I think that Clock?

Thats completely different to what I was talking about. You have ever right to be furious, I would be.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

clockbuscanada
Time to explain dementia to your 5 yr old and give the bollocking of the century to "Grandma". Holy fuck

[glentherednosedbattleostrich]

Clock, do a pnp video for your daughter. If santas emailing her a message he must be real. And tell her bitch grandma visits are supervised so she can't pull crap like that again.

OP, in in my house certain things are non negotiable. I do stockings and grandparents fit around us. My MIL tried the overbearing shit until DH pointed out she'd had her turn twice as she was allowed to be third parent to her other 2 grandkids and DD is our child. Yes we sound tough but everyone knows where they stand and we have a better relationship because of it. MIL stays every Christmas and loves it.

[DisappointedOne]

Clock, do a pnp video for your daughter. If santas emailing her a message he must be real. And tell her bitch grandma visits are supervised so she can't pull crap like that again.

Seriously? All to continue a lie? A lie that will need to be admitted in 2-4 years?

[Temporaryanonymity]

She sounds like my exMIL and I found it incredibly suffocating. However, the DCs are older now and I find I appreciate her help and her inflexibility. I would struggle with childcare in the school holidays if it wasn't for her fixed childcare! My DCs have a wonderful relationship with her and I am really pleased that they have that.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

I don't think what they are doing is bad, just a little over the top. You say you have a good relationship with them, which is worth preserving, and they are clearly delighted with their grandchild, which doesn't always seem to be the case.
The stocking and the presents are not a problem; you can do your own and leave them to provide extras if they want. I suspect they will get as much, if not more, pleasure from them than your baby.
Make your own mind up about how much involvement you want/need, and don't be influenced by other people.

[SummerNights1986]

These I wouldn't have a problem with op:

They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us - Great. The less plastic tat I have to lug to my house, the better.

They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen! - Also fine. Their house, their money, let them do what they want with it.

We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them - A normal request IMO. Why not?


These are the ones that I would have a possible issue with.

...they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week - Nope. Well they can want, and ask, but the answer would be a no from me. Certainly when the baby was young and as they get older then i'm not pinning myself down to a regular visiting day/schedule for any relatives.

They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget! - If there's enough hair for them to have a lock as well as you then no problem. But that isn't always the case with first haircuts, which I would want to make very clear.

I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents FUCK OFF. I couldn't hold myself back at this one. In my house FC brings a stocking and no one else. I would have a big problem with this - not only the stocking itself but the 'no uncertain terms'. Don't let anyone dictate to you about YOUR child op. If you don't want them to do a stocking tell them that it will be a shame to upset DD but if they try and give her one then you will refuse to allow her to accept it. And that if they have such a difficult time in sticking to your wishes as parent then you will need to re-think them having any unsupervised access to her at all.

[RoseWithoutAThorn]

The only thing I'd never have agreed to was them having the baby from a few weeks old "on their own." I just find that a bit demanding. My in laws were never demanding although did do stockings for each of mine. I also gave them hand/foot prints and a little bit of hair when the time came to have it cut. It was no big deal. They also had toys/high chairs/pram/changing mats etc at their house. The children all had their rooms at they're gran's houses too. I often left my children at both grandparents houses while I went to the hairdresser/shopping had a bath in peace. I don't see any of this as a big deal. Grandparents saved my sanity more times than I can remember. I just don't understand the huge issue on here of grandparents doing a stocking at the moment. It all seems very precious to me.

[CPtart]

A common saying on here but true, "they've had their turn."
YADNBU. Tone it down now. And I say this as someone who never had grandparents desperate to take my DC off me for a few hours in the day, let alone at night.
Individually these little things could be forgiven, but cumulatively its rather worrying.

[abbieanders]

A common saying on here but true, "they've had their turn."

I think this is actually one of the most depressing saying around here. Children aren't a possession where, once you've had your go, your turn is over and you should accept that you are only allowed a relationship at the pleasure of the parents so you'd better not blot your copybook or you're out.

That aside, if you share that rather mean minded opinion, they may have had their turn as parents but this is their first go at grandparenthood.

[DisappointedOne]

Whatever happened to it "taking a village to raise a child?"

[RictusGrimace]

There's a lot of 'as the dc get older it all starts to matter less'. Well by way of balance as my dc got older it got worse and worse until first I and then the whole family fractured under the unbearable pressure. No good for dc that.

I look back at all the wasted time trying to 'share' baby dc fairly between all the demanding in laws and I wish I'd just said no and recognised that my ownfeelings mattered too. All that wastwd time when I could have just enjoyed her.

[BertrandRussell]

"A common saying on here but true, "they've had their turn.""

They might have had their turn to be parents- although I do think it's a bit odd that people are expected to stop being parents to their children once they grow up - my mum was my mum until she died and I am sure I will be my children's mum all my life too- but they haven't had their turn to be grandparents!

[mintoil]

What does DH have to say about all this - does he excuse them or will he stand up for you?

[Krampus]

Are people expected to stop being parents? My Mum will always be my Mum and I will always be my boys Mum but the relationship changes over the years. Parenting a 1 year old is very different from parenting a 15 year old which is a very different relationship to being 40 and your parents being 60. My parents and inlaws have no inclination to play a parental role to my kids, they are grandparents and they enjoy it.

[Jeanniejampots80]

My DD is the only GC on one side and they adore her and buy her things every time they see her, all toys that are presented in their house stay there for her and they are ok with that.
MIL has also insisted she will be doing a stocking for DD this year as she does one for all her grown up kids and DILs too so I simply said great, she will be getting her one from Santa in the morning and then "grans extra special stocking" in the evening. Polite with a smile as I know she wanted it to be DD main stocking really but MIL was grand with that as hers is now the "extra special" one :)