First time mum here so not sure what is considered the 'norm' when it comes to in-laws

[Inshock73]

I have a six month old baby, DP and I have a great relationship and I get on extremely well with all of DP's family.

We live half an hour away from in-laws and since baby was born they've requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated. From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week. They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us. They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door. Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere, photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen!

I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents. We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them. They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!

I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.

AIBU?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

They are clearly very excited and dote on her.

If I were you I would let a lot of things go such as christmas stocking, toys at their house. Persosnlly I would hate seeing them on a set day a week so that is what I would cut down on. If you cant say that, and your Dh is not weak where his parents are concerned, he needs to on your behalf.

[Givinguph0pe]

Sounds like my mil.

I'm pregnant and she wants two days a week with the baby as soon as it's born. She is hoping I won't be able to breast feed so she can have the baby sooner.
I tried to compromise by saying I would take baby over once a week or she could come here but apparently she doesn't want me there! Nice. She was pretty bad with ds but she's worse this time round as this baby is a girl and she always wanted a girl and also because fil has sadly passed away so she has more time on her hands.

She's already invited herself on our first holiday with the baby. Dh thinks she's wonderful and won't say anything, particularly now she's on her own, but it pisses me off.

What's wrong with some grandparents and their entitled attitudes?

[DisappointedOne]

My mum has a thing about stockings. I'm 38 and this is the first year she's agreed not to do me one! She's always done one for DD (as have I) and as its the only thing DD gets for Xmas I've no problem with it. (In laws couldn't give a stuff.).

I think there are more toys for DD at my parents' house than there are at ours! They've never demanded anything but have had DD for afternoons since she was about 18 months.

I think you need to decide together what you're comfortable with and then establish the boundaries.

[BertrandRussell]

Mine used to get 3 stockings. But only one on Christmas morning- the one I put together. But Father Christmas used to leave another one at each of the grandparents' houses. The children never complained.........

[JassyRadlett]

So far over the line that the line may be in a different county by now.

total there's a massive difference between offering to help out and give parents a break (I'd be over the moon if PIL ever offered this) and demanding something akin to a shared custody arrangement, having her for a set night for one night a week, demanding things rather than asking if it would be OK, etc.

OP - my parents buy a few small things for the children's stockings but that's in agreement with us. Maybe that's the compromise? 'No, she doesn't need two stockings, but I'm happy to put a few things from you in the one we're putting together.'

That sort of thing that will force her to be embarrassingly explicit that her actions are about her, and not necessarily what's best for the baby.

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

My mother was like this. I didn't mind the toys and cot at her house, as she babysat occasionally and it was helpful but...She would get him a Xmas stocking (even tho Santa had already done him one), his 1st birthday party she turned up with a cake she had baked, and when I told her I had made the cake she sulked.
Easter when he was 2 she gave him his first taste of chocolate while I was out of the room, even though she knew I had a small egg for him. When I complained she said that he wasn't that bothered about it and that she was sure he had had chocolate before (she knew he hadn't, she just wanted to be first)
She wrote medical information in his Red book, wrote thanks you notes for gifts to my inlaws on my behalf as she assumed I would have been too rude. As ds got older she would undermine me all the time, to the pojnt of tellung me to shut up if i told him off.
God the list goes on. I did have to read her the riot act, and while she couldn't really see that she was doing anything wrong, the craziness did ease off.
I was still "ridiculously oversensitive " though. Wow, writing that all down makes me think maybe I'm not he crazy one after all. ..!?
Nip it in the bud OP.

[Hygge]

Instead of a stocking, my parents started doing a Christmas eve bag for my brothers kids when they were little, and now do one for my DS as well.

It's things like new pyjamas and a soft toy, sometimes a new dressing gown, a book or hot chocolate set. Something to have for bedtime on Christmas eve.

But I get the feeling that if you suggested your PILs do this instead of a stocking, because you want stockings to be your tradition, they might be the type to do both just because they want to.

They also have toys at their house, but if DS wanted to bring them home he could, and he does. And he takes things from our house and leaves them there.

As someone else said, the demanding of things and the telling you things is what sits oddly. They have told you "in no uncertain terms" that they will be doing a stocking. That makes it sound like they know you don't want them to but they don't care.

That sort of behaviour would bother me.

[MrRobot]

That is absolutely not normal.

[malloo]

Don't quite get why so many people have a problem with agreeing a set day a week that they see her? Surely that just makes sense and helps OP to plan other things. I would be much more concerned if they were always just 'dropping in' or arranging things whenever they felt like it. Of course the set day might sometimes need to change if OP is doing something else but I don't think she's actually said they have a problem with that.

[Krampus]

The individual bits don't sound unusual, except the separate bedroom with her name on it. All together it does sound unusual and over bearing.

There's nothing wrong offering to have your grandchild, building a relationship with them whilst giving the parents a break. Ther nothing wrong with coming to a regular agreement between everyone. It is odd to demand a regular day as if she's a toy.

[wannaBe]

Tbh I think that yabu a bit, although I understand your thinking. When babies are little we get caught up in the excitement of what is and what will be and how life will be and who will get to do what and how and anyone who stands in the face of that is interfeering or trying to take away something that is yours by right...

And with the benefit of time you realise that a lot of this stuff really wasn't important in the scheme of things.

Firstly, are they actually demanding to have your baby once a week or is it a case that they had her once and now it's become a habit which you're finding it hard to say no to? Because in truth what you need to do is just to cancel one week, and then perhaps make it a lesser arrangement, once you've cancelled once you can perhaps start to re-arrange, especially now you're starting to enter the age of baby groups and such which may take up more of your time.

Toys at their house, perfectly normal, my mill had toys at her's for ds when we visited, it made visiting exciting because granny may have bought something, and there was a cupboard with all of them in etc. Bedroom with her name on it, well no-one has said she's moving in, perhaps they envisage she and even you might stay overnight some time, but if you don't you don't, and in time there will be other grandchildren and the novelty of that will wear off.

Hand and foot prints and locks of hair... well, Christmas presents sorted then. pictures, ... my mum had professional pictures taken of mine and my sister's kids when they were little. I don't have copies of them. it's normal for people who spend time with your child to want to take and have pictures of them, especially when that's a grandchild.

And a stocking as well as presents... again, it's their choice and there really is no harm. And in truth, no-one owns a tradition. Your dd will grow up knowing that they get a stocking at home first thing and that they get stockings and presents at granny's too. Where's the harm.

As long as this really is coming from a place of kindness and excitement there really is no harm in any of it.

PS: my pfb is now thirteen, and when I look back at the things which irationally upset me when he was little I cringe at some of it. my ds now has a great relationship with all of his grandparents, and as long as people are well meaning and not generally abusive then most of this stuff really isn't that important.

[FishWithABicycle]

No that's not normal.

It's normal for grandparents to have a car seat, possibly a buggy and some toys (leftover from when you were a kid and kept in the attic for 30 years, or picked up from charity shops). It's normal to have a few photos of grandchildren (more than 3 displayed in frames starts to get weird). If they have enough bedrooms it's not unreasonable to have one as a "nursery" kitted out for kids but it's weird to define it as "Lucy's Room" or whatever unless they have no hope of ever having another grandchild OR a huge enough house that every grandchild has a room as they arrive. If you as parents choose to get hand/foot castings/prints done it's a reasonable enough gift to get extra sets for both sides of grandparents as a "first christmas" gift if you can afford it.

Keeping a lock of hair from first haircut, doing Christmas stockings - that's a big BACK OFF red line. Those things belong to you as parents and you need to be firm. Unless they promise to calm down about Christmas you may need to not see them till the week after. They are not and must not be in competition with you. They can provide 2 or 3 small things for YOU to put in the stocking so long as they promise not to ever reveal these things came from them. They can do one present (not too extravagant, not trying to be better than the "main present" from you) under the tree.

Wanting that much "alone time" is weird. You, your DH and your child their grandchild come pretty much as a unit. They don't get to wish you away. When your child is old enough maybe they will want to spend time alone with GPs but that is only for when it suits you and your dh and child, not in concession to these unreasonable demands.

[Krampus]

Personally I wouldn't like a regular thing as I like the flexibility and would find it suffocating.

I would worry that if they're the type of people who would demand regular weekly visits, what would happen if we didn't fancy it one wee, or had arranged other things. Would they sulk? Demand another day? Would they start to get wierd about us going on holiday? What happens when the child starts pre sschool and school? Would a weekend be deanded instead? What happens when other grandchildren start arriving on the scene?

[KatieLatie]

Offering a regular afternoon a week is lovely - demanding it is overbearing. Especially from newborn, especially excluding the mum.

An "afternoon off" MAY be really benefitial and hekpful to the OP, but it may not be. It should be with the agreement of the OP and - if the OP needs flexibility - changeable.

It is no different to a Mum demanding that the GPs had to have DGC one afternoon a week - neither side should be entitled, it needs to work for everyone.

[Inertia]

You're allowed to say no.

You don't need our permission to say 'No, we won't be doing that.'

You don't need permission from your inlaws either.

It doesn't matter what they demand, you and the baby's father are the parents. Your child is not a toy to be shared with whoever shouts the loudest, she is a baby and you need to do what's best for her, not what your inlaws demand.

[P1nkP0ppy]

Utter batshit, just say no!
I'm a MIL and yes, i'm doing a stocking fudges to open when they come down after Christmas. DS will roll his eyes, as usual!

They're clearly doting on their go and you need to set the boundaries as to what's acceptable and what isn't.
I'd love to live nearer to mine, and if I did I would expect my DS and DDIL to say what's on and not on.

[BabyTheCaveLion]

We had the exact same argument about stockings with my MIL - she cried, shouted and sobbed hysterically when we told her it was our job, and not hers, to play Father Christmas. The compromise was that she makes them advent calendars - started off as a little chocolate/Christmas craft to open each day but over the last 4 years the presents are getting bigger and bigger I posted about this 4 years ago when the argument happened and got told that I was a selfish, entitled DIL not to let my MIL play Father Christmas - it really upset me at the time and I stopped using mumsnet for a long time. I'm glad that people now agree that it's totally bonkers.

Thankfully we don't live very close so only see her every few months but she manages to create drama at every birthday and Christmas. Nip it in the bud now OP otherwise it'll get worse and worse - trust me!

[Inshock73]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I'm trying to keep perspective because I know they're really excited as it is their first grandchild and I'm really close to my family and my DP is to his so I don't want to upset anyone but it's getting to the point I'm not sure I can be laid back about everything.

The whole set day each week thing started within weeks of her being born. They stated they wanted to see her at least once a week and a day was set by them. On a few occasions when I've been unable to keep it MIL has had the hump and shown it. Baby has great grandparents on DP's side (in-laws parents) and they've asked them if they can visit when they have her and been told 'No' it is their time with her and they have to make their own arrangements with us.... I've only just allowed them to start having her for an afternoon on their own at their house (friends told me to see the time as a chance to have a few hours to myself). Up until about a month ago they would come to me but they would literally walk through the door and immediately ask to take her out for a walk/to a coffee shop etc and be gone for 2/3 hours.

Many of your comments have made me remember other things.... My in-laws wanted to buy a cot and pram for their house when she was born but I told DP the idea of them having a cot at their house in a room decorated for her with her name on the door was freaking me out and reminded me of the film 'The hand that rocks the cradle. I think he spoke to them because they didn't buy a cot but they do have a pram.

I did object to the stocking and said it was something in my childhood that I remember fondly as getting on Christmas day morn from Santa :) and I wanted to recreate the same, I was told very firmly it's different in their family, grandparents have always done stockings and how awful it would be if they weren't allowed to do the same. I mentioned to MIL I'm doing a Christmas eve box and she seemed thrilled at the idea, I'm now worried she'll do one too!

They've already started going on about Easter eggs!! They can't believe I've said no chocolate for Christmas (she doesn't have any teeth!!) and no easter eggs next year. I don't want her having chocolate yet and that is my choice! I won't back down on this as I had so many sweets as a kid I had most of my baby teeth pulled out!

Oh god why don't they cover things like this in bloody NCT classes? :D Wish someone had warned me what a minefield it is!

[Nanny0gg]

I'm a grandparent. I have toys and I used to have a cot. I had the children alone at my house when I was asked to. I didn't 'demand'.
I did do a stocking the first year (Christmas was at my house). I was politely asked not to do it again and I haven't.

Your Ils need to stop 'demanding' and start 'asking'. And you need to learn to say No.

What does your DH think? You're stuffed if he doesn't agree. And how do your parents behave?

[zeetea]

I wouldn't be comfortable with all this, it's lovely that they're very excited but it's almost like they look at your baby as theirs and they need to back off a bit. They should be respecting what traditions you want to have, I like the Christmas Eve bag someone mentioned above - perhaps suggest that instead? That can be their thing, and stocking yours :)

Some might like that non-negotiable visiting day, I live a little more relaxed than that and wouldn't agree to some military style diary planning, it's up to me whether I want to visit or not, nor would I be comfortable leaving the baby on its own if I would rather be there - it's an annoying and stressful way for them to behave. I would want to visit grandparents as a family/unit, not feel like I 'have' to leave the baby and bugger off somewhere on my own.

I guess it's just how to go about explaining to them, DP needs to show he's on side for sure, ideally this should come from him, and go along the lines of how leaving the baby is unsettling and stressful for you both, you appreciate that they're excited but their level of involvement is overwhelming and you're uncomfortable with it.

[Nanny0gg]

I have a buggy because it's easier (I don't care if it gets muddy!) and we did have a second hand cot. But I'm up to grandchild No 4. I wonder how they'll be if you have more DC.

You need to put your foot down. They're getting out of hand.

[RedToothBrush]

requested they see her every week on a set day which I've always accommodated.
Controlling. You should be free to live your life on your own terms and do your own things. Once a week at a set time is dictating your life. Once a week when suits you and if you want to is fine

From just a few weeks old they wanted to have her 'on their own' for an afternoon every week.
No, no, no! Unacceptable. That is not in the best interests of your daughter or you - it is putting their demands first

They've bought toys for her which stay at their house and aren't allowed to come home with us.
Fair enough. No problem with that one.

They're decorating the spare room to be 'her bedroom' including putting her name on the bedroom door.
That's quite nice, but they should discuss this with you first.

Their house is like a shrine there are photos everywhere
Fairly normal for some grandparents

photos they've taken of her when she's with them that we've never seen! Depends on whether you are aware of the photos being taken. If you are happy with this and they are happy to share them, no issue.

I want to have a few traditions that are just 'ours' e.g. a Christmas stocking but I've been told in no uncertain terms they 'will' be doing her a christmas stocking aswell as other presents.
Line crossed. A stocking is parents only because of Santa. Anything more then requires Santa explaining and ruins it for her. Unacceptable

We've had hand and foot casts made and they've now asked us to have some made for them.
Ask or demand? Your call really. You are allowed to say no.

They've also 'told' me they want a lock of her hair when she has her first haircut and I mustn't forget!
Not acceptable. You should not be being told anything. It is request only.

I'm finding it all too much and at times feel like they're behaving like she's their child rather than grandchild.
That's because they are. They are putting themselves before your daughter. Time to put your foot down as you will have problems at a later date otherwise, with them telling you how to parent and giving your daughter mixed messages over discipline.

Your DP needs to do this though. And if he doesn't you need to run for the hills.

[liquidrevolution]

Just because things are a tradition in your family or your DHs family does not mean you have to do the same. Sit down with your DH and try and work out how to blend the traditions. I would insist on doing the stockings though, Santa brings the stockings surely and two stocking will confuse DC. But perhaps there is something else she did for DH that he can say he really loved and would she do it for her DGC?

But I think you need to put your foot down with the weekly visits you should be comfortable enough to be able to pop in to theirs or suggest outings when you want. I suggest classes or activities morning and afternoon for the next few weeks. You cant possibly miss them as 'its the festive season and very exciting meeting up constantly for playdates with the baby friends'. And get your DH on board with saying no. It wont happen unless you are both on board.

And finally if they are thinking they will be childcare providers if/when you return to work, unless you are in dire financial circumstances make sure you get your little one into childminders or nursery (its so much better for their development etc etc is your angle). You can pacify the inlaws by using them for emergency illness cover. Its what I do and works well for me. I have learnt to not be suffocated by my in laws and set boundaries up well before I gave birth. They still push them but its not as bad as it could have been.

[zeetea]

OP lol, they really should cover this in NCT, I might even suggest it - when I mentioned in passing that once we have children Christmas Day would always be spent just DH and our babies (normal thing in my family - and almost everyone I know) and that we'd always (ALWAYS!) see them Boxing Day instead (last few horrible Chrismases we've spent with them) my MIL went absolutely mental, I mean scary crazy: sobbing, shouting, screaming and stomping about, just ridiculous.
What you want do with your children is what should come first, stuff everyone else! They had their turn now it's yours to be parents how you wish, not share the job with someone else and have special moments of the year overruled x

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

You need to put your foot down. They're getting out of hand.

This. And your DP needs to grow a backbone. Ask not demand, and accept that it may not always be convenient especially if there are great grandparents, your parents and other people to accommodate

The bedroom, toys wouldn't phase me unless it becomes OTT entirely in Beyonce style grandiosity. There will hopefully be other grandchildren and it's very handy to a) have some stuff there if they are amenable and b) for your child to have a good relationship with it's grandparents.

Stocking - that's quite weird. talk to your DP, what you agree to now will be set in stone for ever more. Are you never going to do a Santa stocking for your own child? Did his grandparents do his ? I'll bet not.
Plus - where is this Santa stocking going to be located and opened when your child is 5? It will force you to be at the GPs house every Christmas morning though they might cool off when you rock up at 4.30am every year