to not want to talk constantly to the baby?

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadoo]

I'm a Nanny for a very lovely family based in Europe. I've done a lot of nannying, and worked for a lot of families, and can honestly say that this couple are the nicest that I've worked for; generally very friendly and respectful of me. Jobs with nice families are really very hard to find, this one also pays well and has a few good perks; so I don't want to leave it or mess anything up.

I look after one baby, she is currently 4 months old. I have been with them for 2 months.

One of the issues that I have with the job is the PFBness of the parents, particularly the mother. I have spreadsheets to fill in throughout the day to record baby's weight, nappies, amount of milk drank, how often she is massaged, sleep patterns etc etc. Every day she must be given several special baby massages, bathed with exactly the right quantity of fresh milk and oil mixed with the water, picked up in a special way (we actually went to a class to teach us how to pick babies up...), all bottles are sterilised within an inch of their lives and can only be handled with special tweezers. Milk cannot be reheated and sterile water is rotated throughout the day. We do not use wetwipes (not even water wipes) but instead have a ceramic bowl to fill with warm water and use special tissues dipped in this water to do the nappy change. There are probably loads more but I can't think of any right now. Have a look on one of the PFB threads; we do pretty much all of it.

Anyway, tonight she has just come home from some postnatal class (with a physio not a child specialist) and told me that she has learned that it is essential that we constantly talk to the baby. As in, constantly. So whenever we are with her and she is awake there must be a constant stream of talk. This apparently is essential for her development.
(I've done diplomas in childcare and am studying a degree in child development and whilst communication is important, constant seems a bit much).

The idea of having to talk constantly to the baby is making me really anxious. I'm a pretty quiet person in general and very reserved. Whilst I talk to her often, and sing to her too, I really can't bare the thought of having to talk/sing all of the time.

AIBU? I understand that it is her baby put I'm starting to feel really smothered by all of the things that are "essential" for the babys development/health etc.

Baby's also need to hear environmental sounds. Radio 4 talks all the time. Is that ok? Story tapes? But definitely find research to back up the importance of listening and silence.

M48294Y I'm a bit of a pushover, unfortunately! I'm left on my own with the baby a lot too, overnights etc so its not like I'm not trusted at all. But as I said, I'm a pretty quiet and reserved person so am more likely to smile and nod (unless, of course, I thought it was putting the baby in danger).

My last agency were despairing of me a little as the family before this one were making me work 90+ hours a week for no extra pay/time off and I couldn't stand up to them.

I find it so hard to say no, and thats not something I'm at all proud of!

DoreenLethal I may steal those lines!

I'm a big believer in talking to children, but they need time to process things and they need time for their imagination to grow. We'd all go crazy if someone talked at us the whole time - why not try this with your employer and talk non stop for an hour and see how quickly she moves away?

They don't mean all day. Just mean you talk when you do stuff with baby. Not literally 24/7 when they are sleeping
Ie ' hi baby, let's go and get you a bath then shall we' , pick baby up ' oh your not happy about that are you' etc . Baby cries, pick up, ' ok baby, let's go and get you some milk, look here it is' etc etc in regular talk not deluded baby talk, and presumably using babies actual name not calling them ' baby'!

Artandco well I do that, I don't spend the whole day in silence.
As I said, I talk to her and I sing to her. Say hello when I see her, chat to her if she cries etc.
But I don't feel comfortable talking to her constantly when she's awake. That's the point. Its not that I don't want to engage with her at all.

All the spread sheets sound a bit much, but using cotton wool or tissues and water instead of wipes on a baby is pretty normal.

I would say that you do talk and sing to the baby a lot but you can't talk constantly. You'll have to come to a compromise on that one.

Maybe she has noticed you are pretty quiet with the baby and is trying to encourage you to talk more - and the "so and so told me it's really important" is just a way to try to introduce it without being critical.

Its up to the mum really isn't it.
I always have spoke to dd since she was tiny just chatting along as I was doing things can't you do that?
Think it would be a shame to spoil a job you like over one issue that's clearly important to the mum.

I remember being told that constant talking (such as having the radio or to on all the time) is not good for a baby because they then don't recognise speech as something important. Not sure if that's correct but may be worth looking up as a counter-argument. Also as a PP said, babies need to listen and practice taking turns in a "conversation".

I can just see the baby's AIBU. "AIBU to wish these women would shut up once in a while. Every moment I'm awake it's yak yak yak, I never get a moment to reply or just to watch the world go by."

Lordy OP, find a another job.

Are you Norland by any chance?

Surely if this is what your employer wants you to do then that is it. It isn't your role to educate her in the way YOU think the baby should be cared for.

As long as she isn't asking you to do anyone that will blatantly harm the baby then your job is to do as she wishes.

She's overcompensating. Anyone who is truly PFB does not go back to work at 8 weeks when there is no need (if she can afford you I'm assuming she could afford longer off) and she's trying to make sure her baby doesn't miss out because of that. I don't know the answer though.

I'm really uncomfortable with the few posters who've said she should be looking after her own baby. At what age does it become ok for a mum to go back out to work? Presumably the baby's dad agrees with all this pfb-ness - should he not work either, or is it only the mother who needs to be at home?

And if everyone thought like that, the OP wouldn't have a job, would she?

Had to comment OP because my mum is (always has been) of the school of Constant Talk To A Baby Is Good... literally she will say, "you should NEVER stop talking to a baby, you talk to them ALL THE TIME..."

And by God does she mean it. I have no memory of what she did when I was a baby but with her grandchildren she practises what she preaches. ENDLESS stream of talk. She actually thinks it is 'cruel' (direct quote) NOT to be talking them to sleep. ie you should talk constantly as they try to drop off... in a low voice, OK, and something gentle like a nursery rhyme but still, she thinks not doing this is actually cruel

Because she's generally hard work, I have never actually pointed out to her that if she was trying to get to sleep and someone was WITTERING ON WITHOUT A PAUSE FOR BREATH she would, I'm quite sure, find it unbearable.

I'm assuming she did this with us as kidds because I have a real problem with silence, I have always found silence uncomfortable and as a result have regularly made a prat of myself with friends/strangers as I always find myself filling silence with utter inanity and sounding weird.

This is, therefore, not something I have done with my DD!!!!!!

I have always chatted to her a lot (which I suspect is what the quoted research is actually about) and now at almost 3 her language skills are incredible. But it is NOT just a constant stream of pointless chatter. And I spent at least as much time listening to her (more these days) as I do talking.

Could it be, as a pp suggested, that to your boss's mind you are just erring on the side of too quiet (not a criticism, just different people have different styles) and she is trying to find a way to let you know she'd prefer more chitchat?

Or is it really that she thinks a constant bombardment of talk is The Right Thing. Because from my admittedly limited experience, it ISN'T

Sounds like you need to borrow someone else's toddler like mine who will talk constantly.

I think the Mum is overcompensating too and maybe referring her to the research upthread would increase her confidence in your professional skills and get her to back off a bit.

DD3 does a fantastic line in mimic and mime and I think if I had talked ALL the time at her she would have missed out on developing her non-verbal and observational skills.

Are you due to take some leave over Xmas? Perhaps her doing all this for herself for a couple of weeks may put some of the more extreme areas into sharper focus?

"So, how did you get on while I was away"

Good Lord. I'd find a new job.

I think you should assert yourself as a child care professional.

Of course you need to work together to promote the best interests of the child and no one can talk all day. Insane.

My view would be you chat to her and say you can't professionally follow instructions that arnt in the child's best interests.

Bet she will back off.

That has always worked for me as a cm but of course it's very different bring a nanny.

I used cotton wool and water with DS and I wouldn't have bothered with water wipes because the point of using fresh water was that it could be warm. Warm water removes poo and wee more easily than cold water and is more pleasant for the baby, I assume - I mean being touched with a cold wet flannel feels horrible to me, anyway, whereas warm is nice.

I think your talking sounds good, not literally constant. I like the idea of the research about conversation.

I'm not a Norland Nanny, no.
Have been in childcare for 10 years, a Nanny for 6 though so not clueless either

I genuinely don't think I'm too quiet, I do talk to her a lot. Probably sing too much, though the walls haven't bled yet.
From previous experience, if the Mum wanted me to do something different she would say it outright.

If anyone can link me to research that would be great. I'm having a good look myself too.

Finding a new job is easier said than done. This job truly is much much better than all I've had before. I feel guilty for having any issues!

I'd just stick the news/radio on in the background. But there is a reason I'm not a nanny.