to not want to talk constantly to the baby?

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadoo]

I'm a Nanny for a very lovely family based in Europe. I've done a lot of nannying, and worked for a lot of families, and can honestly say that this couple are the nicest that I've worked for; generally very friendly and respectful of me. Jobs with nice families are really very hard to find, this one also pays well and has a few good perks; so I don't want to leave it or mess anything up.

I look after one baby, she is currently 4 months old. I have been with them for 2 months.

One of the issues that I have with the job is the PFBness of the parents, particularly the mother. I have spreadsheets to fill in throughout the day to record baby's weight, nappies, amount of milk drank, how often she is massaged, sleep patterns etc etc. Every day she must be given several special baby massages, bathed with exactly the right quantity of fresh milk and oil mixed with the water, picked up in a special way (we actually went to a class to teach us how to pick babies up...), all bottles are sterilised within an inch of their lives and can only be handled with special tweezers. Milk cannot be reheated and sterile water is rotated throughout the day. We do not use wetwipes (not even water wipes) but instead have a ceramic bowl to fill with warm water and use special tissues dipped in this water to do the nappy change. There are probably loads more but I can't think of any right now. Have a look on one of the PFB threads; we do pretty much all of it.

Anyway, tonight she has just come home from some postnatal class (with a physio not a child specialist) and told me that she has learned that it is essential that we constantly talk to the baby. As in, constantly. So whenever we are with her and she is awake there must be a constant stream of talk. This apparently is essential for her development.
(I've done diplomas in childcare and am studying a degree in child development and whilst communication is important, constant seems a bit much).

The idea of having to talk constantly to the baby is making me really anxious. I'm a pretty quiet person in general and very reserved. Whilst I talk to her often, and sing to her too, I really can't bare the thought of having to talk/sing all of the time.

AIBU? I understand that it is her baby put I'm starting to feel really smothered by all of the things that are "essential" for the babys development/health etc.

[OnlyLovers]

I think badg3r has some good advice.

And lay off the 'she should look after her own baby' shite, people!

[badg3r]

Maybe you can get a couple of papers showing what is currently recommended - like a bit about listening, baby talk, whether is actually says ALL DAY anywhere, and discuss gently with her? If you approach it from an "I hadn't heard that advice so I looked into it some more because it sounded worthwhile" angle then you won't hurt her feelings so much by saying you think it's a bit much. If she's just based it off one person in one class then maybe she'll be open to adapting to a more realistic pattern?

[myusernamewastaken]

I couldnt bear to have to talk constantly.....i have a friend who talks constantly at me and i find it exhausting to have to keep responding and replying to her....after a 9 hour shift at work im so tired i often tell the kids to please just give me 15 mins of quiet whilst i have a brew and wind down.

[Focusfocus]

What's with the if she's truly PFB and ask her to look after her own baby comments?!

Christ.

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadoo]

Firstly, thank you to everyone for your kind replies. I'd actually been avoiding MN for about 2 years as things seemed to get a bit too vipery for me. I was so nervous about posting as I was sure I was going to get flamed, so thank you!

She may well be over compensating, she does seem to be upset when she is away too much. I realise that some of the PFB examples I provided are a bit weak but there are so many. The wet wipes thing, for example, whilst fine now - she wants to continue until potty trained.

I've done some research so I have some papers to back me up if the talking thing is raised again. I also think I need to toughen up a bit and start taking more of a firm lead. I'm scared of that bit!

[ShamefulPlaceMarker]

Maybe her pfbness is due to over compensating for the fact that she has someone else Looking after her child more than she does?
Not dissong those who work, but matbe this mum if feeling guilty?

[IoraRua]

Ahhh yes, I worked for someone like this as a teen. I had to speak Irish and German to the kid (no, not raised bilingual) for an hour per language a day. And play with every toy once a day, and wipe down the toys with a sterile wipe after she'd touched them...you have my sympathies.

You are an expert though, I would talk to her about this.

[Senpai]

How much are you getting paid? The money might be worth the bullshit.

I talked to DD all the time, she's still on the low end of average for her age with verbal communication skills. Though she knows much more than I gave her credit for too, and can accurately say yes or no to a question if I ask her what she wants.

[velourvoyageur]

I read that actually baby talk is more useful for the baby, rather than adult talk, because they process that more easily whereas what they can't understand is tuned out and sort of background noise. I imagine it might be the same case with the amount you talk to them.

Po Bronson book perhaps?

[Artandco]

Also yes the above is very German. They have baby specialist doctors and clinics compared to here so many things very focused on 0-12 months ( you change doctor at 12 months for a child doctor, then again as a teenager, adult and elderly)

[BertieBotts]

Have they actually said your level of talking you currently do isn't enough? Or are they just giving you a guideline and you can say "Oh yes what a great point, I always make sure I talk to xxxx" ?

Constantly as in literally constant just sounds too bonkers to be true. Is it possible that they just mean narrate your movements, which is what is good advice anyway?

[Mellifera]

You are in Germany, right?
I did all those PFB things except the weighing with all of mine

The talking bit is clearly a bit OTT, talking is good, but you have to be yourself. If you sing and talk to her while changing nappies etc there is no need for baby to be constantly talked at.

Good luck with this issue, as you get on generally, I'm sure it can be sorted.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Good god what a load of nonsense. too much stimulation.is as bad as not enough. unless there are health concerns surely at 4 months it's time to ditch the nappy count and daily weigh ins. seriously all that's doing is setting her up to panic the second there's a blip when it's just a normal stage.

how do yku have time to fill out spread sheets when your constantly faffing about with the rest of it.

she needs to calm down befire she gives herself an ulcer

[nooka]

Perhaps the approach to take with this is to start giving the parents some of the research evidence you are learning through your degree? It sounds as if she is a bit over anxious, and reassuring her that she has employed someone who is very knowledgeable might help her to relax a bit? Or just provide a bit of a basis of better communication/compromise without the OP having to feel too confrontational.

It's a very difficult relationship I think, especially if the OP is nannying when the mother is home. We has two nannies and felt much more comfortable with the second one who was better at managing us (she was a lovely young firm and loving person, great with both our children and us!).

[Wolpertinger]

While it is up to the mum as she is paying you, she has employed an expert - you!

Can you practice some phrases in the mirror to say to her when she's being particularly bonkers to make it clear that you do know your stuff?

She clearly wants to do the best for her baby but is very anxious and rather impressionable. If you were a bit more Mary Poppins and came across as confident and knowledgeable as well as sweet and loving, I think she would be delighted.

[SoWhite]

I'd just stick the news/radio on in the background. But there is a reason I'm not a nanny.

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadoo]

I'm not a Norland Nanny, no.
Have been in childcare for 10 years, a Nanny for 6 though so not clueless either

I genuinely don't think I'm too quiet, I do talk to her a lot. Probably sing too much, though the walls haven't bled yet.
From previous experience, if the Mum wanted me to do something different she would say it outright.

If anyone can link me to research that would be great. I'm having a good look myself too.

Finding a new job is easier said than done. This job truly is much much better than all I've had before. I feel guilty for having any issues!

[BertieBotts]

I used cotton wool and water with DS and I wouldn't have bothered with water wipes because the point of using fresh water was that it could be warm. Warm water removes poo and wee more easily than cold water and is more pleasant for the baby, I assume - I mean being touched with a cold wet flannel feels horrible to me, anyway, whereas warm is nice.

I think your talking sounds good, not literally constant. I like the idea of the research about conversation.

[BollocksToThat1]

I think you should assert yourself as a child care professional.

Of course you need to work together to promote the best interests of the child and no one can talk all day. Insane.

My view would be you chat to her and say you can't professionally follow instructions that arnt in the child's best interests.

Bet she will back off.

That has always worked for me as a cm but of course it's very different bring a nanny.

[Snowglobe18]

Good Lord. I'd find a new job.

[travailtotravel]

Are you due to take some leave over Xmas? Perhaps her doing all this for herself for a couple of weeks may put some of the more extreme areas into sharper focus?

"So, how did you get on while I was away"

[howabout]

Sounds like you need to borrow someone else's toddler like mine who will talk constantly.

I think the Mum is overcompensating too and maybe referring her to the research upthread would increase her confidence in your professional skills and get her to back off a bit.

DD3 does a fantastic line in mimic and mime and I think if I had talked ALL the time at her she would have missed out on developing her non-verbal and observational skills.

[DuchessOfWeaseltown]

Had to comment OP because my mum is (always has been) of the school of Constant Talk To A Baby Is Good... literally she will say, "you should NEVER stop talking to a baby, you talk to them ALL THE TIME..."

And by God does she mean it. I have no memory of what she did when I was a baby but with her grandchildren she practises what she preaches. ENDLESS stream of talk. She actually thinks it is 'cruel' (direct quote) NOT to be talking them to sleep. ie you should talk constantly as they try to drop off... in a low voice, OK, and something gentle like a nursery rhyme but still, she thinks not doing this is actually cruel

Because she's generally hard work, I have never actually pointed out to her that if she was trying to get to sleep and someone was WITTERING ON WITHOUT A PAUSE FOR BREATH she would, I'm quite sure, find it unbearable.

I'm assuming she did this with us as kidds because I have a real problem with silence, I have always found silence uncomfortable and as a result have regularly made a prat of myself with friends/strangers as I always find myself filling silence with utter inanity and sounding weird.

This is, therefore, not something I have done with my DD!!!!!!

I have always chatted to her a lot (which I suspect is what the quoted research is actually about) and now at almost 3 her language skills are incredible. But it is NOT just a constant stream of pointless chatter. And I spent at least as much time listening to her (more these days) as I do talking.

Could it be, as a pp suggested, that to your boss's mind you are just erring on the side of too quiet (not a criticism, just different people have different styles) and she is trying to find a way to let you know she'd prefer more chitchat?

Or is it really that she thinks a constant bombardment of talk is The Right Thing. Because from my admittedly limited experience, it ISN'T

[StarlingMurmuration]

I'm really uncomfortable with the few posters who've said she should be looking after her own baby. At what age does it become ok for a mum to go back out to work? Presumably the baby's dad agrees with all this pfb-ness - should he not work either, or is it only the mother who needs to be at home?

And if everyone thought like that, the OP wouldn't have a job, would she?