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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnancy photos on Facebook

57 replies

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/11/2015 17:15

So a friend recently had a pregnancy photoshoot and put the pictures on Facebook. They're lovely, include her husband and toddler, really cute and happy. She has made one of them, her profile picture - a close up of the uncovered bump with her three-year-old pressed up against it smiling. All very nice.

A couple of mutual friends, though, have confided in me that they found it very upsetting to see, as they have been trying to conceive for a long time without success. One of them has had multiple miscarriages, the other, to my knowledge, has not conceived at all. Fertility issues are very common but people rarely talk about them, so it's probably fair to assume the pictures have been seen by others who are in the same situation although we wouldn't know about it. The friend who had the photos taken does know about their situation.

They feel that she could have changed the privacy settings so that they didn't see the album, and not have used her profile picture to show the bump.

I actually agree regarding the album settings, although the pictures would probably be seen by others who we don't realise are suffering the same. Still, it's so easy to change settings, I don't see why you wouldn't if you know it might upset someone.

Regarding a profile picture, I am a little more undecided. People use their babies in their profile pictures all the time and there's an arguable case that you can't censor everything about your life on Facebook purely because it might upset someone. I've been upset by things I've seen on Facebook, although the posters would never have known that.

What do people think?

OP posts:

HackerFucker22 · 29/11/2015 17:19

I think a whole host of problems could be solved if people didn't use fucking Facebook!!

Weathergames · 29/11/2015 17:20

I personally hate people using pictures of their kids as their profile pictures on FB for a multitude of reasons but YABU to think she shouldn't be allowed to share her joy for fear of upsetting others.

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2015 17:23

I feel very sorry for your friends. But they cannot go through life not meeting pregnant women or people with new babies.
I think if people have friends with fertility issues then they should be thoughtful and compassionate but they do have a right to their happiness too and to be able to share it.

Epilepsyhelp · 29/11/2015 17:24

I think it's very difficult to stop from doing normal every day things in case it offends someone who has an issue that you might not even know about. People post pictures of them doing lovely things with their dads and some times it can make me howl because I lost mine young but I'd never think that people shouldn't share them.

I know that's not the same as infertility. I do know how utterly ongoingly heartbreaking but what about anyone who has lost a child, should no one post pictures of them and DC?

I think if say your close friend is going through infertility and you've just had a bump photo session then you would be insensitive to plaster over Facebook.

mumblebumble · 29/11/2015 17:24

After my first 2 mcs I came off facebook, for me it was the scan pictures that were the worst . I didn't expect anyone else to change their behaviour though, just changed my own.

AnnaMarlowe · 29/11/2015 17:26

We had many years of heart break due to infertility. We finally conceived our children after two difficult rounds of IVF.

I would never never take away anyone else's joy in their pregnancy or new child. It's selfish.

Their new baby doesn't make anyone else more or less likely to conceive.

You see pregnant women and new babies in the street all the time.

Infertility is terrible, as well I know, but using it as a weapon to shut down other people happiness is selfish.

We visited many new babies, went to lots of christenings and loads children's parties every year of our infertility. You plaster a smile on your face and wait until you get home to have a little cry.

Comebackbutler · 29/11/2015 17:27

I think your friend is happy with her growing family and there is nothing wrong with that.

Enjolrass · 29/11/2015 17:28

While I feel very sorry for your friends, they are being unreasonable.

I am not a Facebook fan.

However, it's unreasonable to think that people shouldn't post things because you are having Bad experiences.

That would mean people couldn't post anything. About parents, kids, pregnancies, pets, houses, cars, holidays, days out etc, incase someone had a bad experience or lost something in regards to any of these

Brummiegirl15 · 29/11/2015 17:28

I've suffered 3 miscarriages and I found scan pictures on Facebook (as it seems to be the done thing) incredibly distressing. I would hit unfollow the minute one popped up. It was like that game whack a mole. Every time you hit unfollow, another one would follow literally days later.

I'm now on my 4th pregnancy and all is going ok, but I've refused point blank to put any scan pics on Fb and people have asked "ooh can I see a pic?' "Can I see a pic of your bump?"

For me put them up would be incredibly hypocritical - I would hate for anyone to feel like I did, by seeing my scan picture. You've no idea what someone else is going through

But that's the problem with miscarriage, it makes you view the world and pregnancy is in a very very different way. I'm sad that I've lost the joyful excitement of pregnancy

So I completely understand where your friends are coming from, but they have to be detached and unfollow - for their own sanity

Vixxfacee · 29/11/2015 17:29

Why shouldn't she share her joy or happiness?
Why should she hide a way through fear of upsetting others.

Oysterbabe · 29/11/2015 17:34

I agree that the friends struggling with infertility should stay away from FB rather than your pregnant friend having to hide her pictures to avoid causing offence. My profile picture is of me on my wedding day, should I have a different one because some of my friends are single and struggling to meet partners? It's not reasonable to take offence at people sharing normal aspects of their lives.

Jw35 · 29/11/2015 17:42

This is a very special and important time in her life. She is no doubt very happy and excited to have a lovely toddler and one on the way. Her life is these children. She can't change hide away her joy and neither should she. I've posted (too) many pics of my baby and my profile pic is my 2 kids. They're my world. It's not the sort of site you don't share is it? It's not like Twitter!

KatieLatie · 29/11/2015 17:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NinaSimoneful · 29/11/2015 17:52

I don't think you can censor every nice thing that ever happens in your life in case someone less fortunate sees it.

Pics of a family day out? Rubbing it in a childless couples face
Dinner out for your birthday? Bitch knows I'm broke and would to go out for dinner
Saying Happy Birthday to your dad? How could you when the child of a single mum might see it?
Passed your driving test? Obvious PA dig at people who can't drive.

Where does it end?

Faye12345 · 29/11/2015 17:55

Its a hard one! I have a friend who is going through ivf after 2 previous unsuccessful attempts and another friend who is pregnant. The pregnant one posts constant scan and bump pics i feel it is excessive and does upset the other friend. However its up to them what they post and no one would ever post any good news ie engagements/babies etc for fear of upsetting others!

Faye12345 · 29/11/2015 17:55

Agree Nina Simone

Supermanspants · 29/11/2015 17:58

This irritates me so much.
Yes people have fertility issues but it is totally unreasonable to expect everyone else to tip toe round because of it.
I agree with Nina
If it is such an issue perhaps your friends need to get off FB

saraht84 · 29/11/2015 18:00

I find their opinion incredibly unreasonable. I've suffered multiple miscarriages and battled infertility. Am I not allowed to share my pregnancy joy on my own Facebook in case I upset someone? Nobody is forced to look. Nobody is forced to use Facebook.

ghostspirit · 29/11/2015 18:03

i can understand it would cause upset. but pregnant woman are always going to be about. fingers crossed that theses friends do get some good news. when they do maybe they will want to share their news to.. how far does it go. i dont have my dad so does that mean people should not talk about fathers day or have pics of their dad. someone going through a break up does that mean no wedding photos.

Aliceinwonderlust · 29/11/2015 18:05

I find this sort of thing really irritating about FB. It's so self centred to think everything is about you, and quite undignified.
I've seen similar things so often in my friendship group. Why should anyone be expected to run their FB based on what innocuous things might upset others? You don't know how often people view FB, or your FB specifically, so how can you think of everyone and their potential trigger? Should I really be expected to care what my school friend I haven't seen for 10 years might potentially be upset by in my life? It's ridiculous.

I think one of the worst things about FB is it makes people too indulgent of things like this.

Booyaka · 29/11/2015 18:06

I also took a (very) long time to conceive and had to have treatment to do so. I also agree that your friend did nothing wrong in sharing the photos.

Yes, it does sometimes hurt to see things like that. It also hurts seeing children going to school with their parents or swimming or on holiday. The world doesn't stop because you're struggling to conceive and it's something you have to learn to cope with.

Your friends might think it would be preferable for her friend to have hidden the photos, and it might be once or twice. But long term she would find it more upsetting to feel like a leper who was excluding anything child based. Eventually that becomes much more hurtful than seeing a few pictures.

Booyaka · 29/11/2015 18:07

*excluded from. Bloody autocorrect.

TwllBach · 29/11/2015 18:07

I am pregnant and have tried really hard not to post things on facebook as I know that I too found it difficult after mcing to see other peoples. I have, however put my scan picture up.

I use instagram for my pregnancy stuff instead

patienceisvirtuous · 29/11/2015 18:09

The pain of infertility is relentless and terrible. But it's up to those who go through it to protect themselves, not to expect everyone else to work around them.

Life isn't fair, so you suck up your lot and get on best you can.

I'm 38 and childless, not by choice (three miscarriages). Still trying to get our happy ending. It's the worst thing I have been through and it's been ongoing for years - a deep grief. I don't expect anyone to make allowances - and just as well because they don't.

Advise your friends to unfollow or leave FB in order to protect themselves.

I think it is probably as brutal as having hungry people as your FB friends but still posting lots of pics of your delicious meals. But it's funny because the level of anguish infertility causes is kind of swept under the carpet...

SoWhite · 29/11/2015 18:11

I think if you are the one with sensitivity to very normal, happy occasions that are going on very frequently in thousands upon thousands of normal, everyday lives, then you should be the one to take steps to censor yourself.

Under no circumstance should your friend hide or take her photos down.

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