Pregnancy photos on Facebook

[ShebaShimmyShake]

So a friend recently had a pregnancy photoshoot and put the pictures on Facebook. They're lovely, include her husband and toddler, really cute and happy. She has made one of them, her profile picture - a close up of the uncovered bump with her three-year-old pressed up against it smiling. All very nice.

A couple of mutual friends, though, have confided in me that they found it very upsetting to see, as they have been trying to conceive for a long time without success. One of them has had multiple miscarriages, the other, to my knowledge, has not conceived at all. Fertility issues are very common but people rarely talk about them, so it's probably fair to assume the pictures have been seen by others who are in the same situation although we wouldn't know about it. The friend who had the photos taken does know about their situation.

They feel that she could have changed the privacy settings so that they didn't see the album, and not have used her profile picture to show the bump.

I actually agree regarding the album settings, although the pictures would probably be seen by others who we don't realise are suffering the same. Still, it's so easy to change settings, I don't see why you wouldn't if you know it might upset someone.

Regarding a profile picture, I am a little more undecided. People use their babies in their profile pictures all the time and there's an arguable case that you can't censor everything about your life on Facebook purely because it might upset someone. I've been upset by things I've seen on Facebook, although the posters would never have known that.

What do people think?

I try to be sensitive to people with fertility issues, but was suprised to see on a fertility thread people complaining about the photos people were putting up on facebook of their kids first day at school - i had put up pics of my son's first day at school and realised that I could have upset anyone who had seen this and had fertility issues.

So where does it end? Scan pics, birth pics, first birthday pics, first school pics? People without kids (who wnt them) are always going to be upset seeing pics of people's kids, but that's part of life, if it's not that it'll be someone else. I have a colleague who couldn't have kids and she was upset just because it was bonfire night and there would be kids about.

Hmmm. I had IVF and for a while it seemed as though every other bloody woman I knew was pregnant. However, I do agree with a PP who said that almost anything nice can be seen as a dig at someone else.

I think with Facebook it's their randomness of it. You're looking at a picture of your sister on holiday (for example) and the next thing that appears is someone's scan picture with a "surprise! Guess who's going to be a mummy next Christmas!" type comment. You don't have time to prepare yourself.
There isn't a solution really.

I feel very sorry for the friends struggling to conceive. This must be really painful for them.

I think doing those photoshoots is a bit . I would think the person that did it is pretty vain. I think putting the whole thing on FB is a bit tacky too. And a bare bump as the profile picture However, that's her prerogative. And a separate issue entirely.

Your friends who are struggling cannot expect everyone to censor everything that may upset them. Where would that stop? The pregnant friend wasn't allowed to talk about the pregnancy? Attend group gatherings? TTC until struggling couple were successful?

Other couples wanting to start a family will always hurt them, whether it's on TV programmes, friends, acquaintances, strangers in the street... It's very sad, but unfortunately that comes hand in hand with fertility problems.

If the friends are hurt by people doing very normal things on FB, then they need to get off FB. If they keep sticking their hand in the fire then it will hurt.

I've suffered infertility and had miscarriages - I've also had a cry over Facebook posts with scan pictures and pregnancy announcements.

I've also announced my own pregnancies on Facebook as it's an easy way to tell friends that I don't see regularly (I don't have a vast number of FB friends, over 100, less than 200) and they are people I like and know, even if I don't see them often, including a lot of extended family overseas.

I think if you are on FB you can't filter what other people post. You can only remove or unfollow them.

I would never post a scan picture because I know they can be a trigger, and my profile picture has always been of me - maybe with DD or DH in it too, but never excluding my face!

FB can be an awful thing at times. If you can't take the bad with the good then come off it I say.

It's very sad for your friends who are struggling to conceive.
But it is not your pregnant friend's fault. If they saw her in person would she have to hide her bump from them, or pretend she wasn't having a baby? Would she never be able to talk about the new baby once it's here, for fear of upsetting someone? She is allowed to be happy and to share her news how she likes.

I understand a little about how your friends feel because I had a mc several years ago and I did find it hard to see other peoples scan pictures on Facebook, particularly the ones due the same time I was.

The best thing your friends can do is 'hide' her from their timelines - so they're still friends with her but her posts won't pop up on their timelines when they're scrolling through. They can still see her stuff when they choose to search for her, but it won't be in their faces all the time.

The fact your friend indulged in a pregnancy shoot is enough to unfollow regardless of your fertility status

cruella is that you?

YANBU. 1 in 7 couples suffer from infertility so there's a good chance someone, or quite a few people, with this problem will see the photos on FB and find it hard. And they won't just see it on one friend's FB, it will be many FB pages of different friends, not to mention all the real-life reminders. It doesn't mean you're not happy for others, but you just wish they'd return the favour and be sensitive to your own situation too. One drawback of FB is that it is indiscriminate and isn't sensitive to anyone's particular circumstances. Changing the album settings sounds a good idea.

Thanks for your thoughts, all. Very interesting.

I think there's a line to draw between having to censor everything about your life and self expression in case you upset someone, and taking a few small, easy measures to minimise distress. In the case of the album, given the pregnant woman knew about these two people's situation, I think it would have been kind if she had taken a few moments to change the setting so they wouldn't see it. I don't think it's a hanging offence that she didn't, but it would have been so small and easy a thing to do that I think it would have behooved her.

I was less sure about the profile picture because that's a more general expression. I do find myself agreeing with the posters who say you can't hold back on absolutely everything in case someone is upset, and somehow censoring your profile picture seems to fall more into that category than a one off album.

And yet, of course, the profile picture is more prominent than the album (which is set to friends only). It's set to public, so anyone on the internet can see it, and it'll pop up every time she comments on or likes something. So it'll be nigh on impossible to avoid seeing if you're friends with her and haven't hidden her from your feed (which is what I've suggested the other two do, just on the quiet).

So I'm aware of the contradiction here. On the one hand, yes, I do kind of feel she should have taken two seconds to hide the album from the people she might have KNOWN it would upset, though I don't think it's dreadful that she didn't. On the other, I don't really feel the same about her profile picture, even though that's far more visible and frequently seen than the album.

Oh, Facebook netiquette.

(And Suzie, no, I'm not Cruella de Vil. Think of me more as Ursula...)

There's this lovely little feature called the "hide" function. You hide it from your feed, and you can unfollow friends so you don't see their posts.

They're only upsetting themselves by being friends with pregnant women and allowing those posts in their feed.

I expect my friends to be adults on FB. If something upsets them they have the ability to hide it or scroll past it, just like I do for all their obnoxious political posts. Saying they should limit viewing is as stupid as saying they shouldn't go out in public in case infertile women see them. If they can walk away irl, they can walk away online too.

The only ones responsible for their feelings is them. They choose how they react to something. They can choose to be happy for their friend and tell her congrats or they can choose to get upset and confide behind her back in hopes the message will reach her.

Oh, and for those who have objections to pregnancy photoshoots, personally I don't see how it's different to wedding, newborn or family photos.

As with so many others on here ( ) I've been through the heartache of miscarriage and subsequently seeing scan pictures or bump shots (criiiiiiiiiinge) pop up on my Facebook feed. A twin scan pic was the one that finally sent me over the edge and my iPad flying across the room

BUT

I would never begrudge anyone the right to share what is a very happy time for them. As long as they are not actively rubbing it in the faces of their friends who have suffered losses or other fertility heartbreaks, then unfortunately that's what you get when you Facebook.

I have announced my pregnancies on Facebook (the ones that made it beyond 12 weeks) but have done so in a way that isn't "HEYYYYYYY LOOK AT ME AND HOW FERTILE I AM WITH MY SPIFFING REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM" etc. I'm acutely aware, having been on the receiving end, that pregnancy posts can cause upset so if in doubt, go easy.

And I also try and remember that no one really gives a flying shit about the fact I'm pregnant other than me (and DH when I'm not a raging hormonal mess).

What Senpai said. Totally hit nail on head.

You can't go through life never wanting to see a pregnant woman or baby. Everyone has the right to choose their profile pictures. Their sadness doesn't take away her happiness.

They may need counselling or something like that as seeing pregnancy is something that can't be avoided. They should also come off Facebook all together.

I agree with the PPs in terms of the people who are offended/upset can't really dictate what others post on FB.

I'm pregnant and it seems to me that pregnant women are EVERYWHERE just now. My good friend has fertility issues and I let her know when I'd be putting my news on FB so it wasn't a shock to her. In terms of me hiding that from her, she personally, would be more upset that I'd done that if she were to find out.

I think it's really up to the people who are upset to protect themselves and hide etc on FB. I'm not on FB anymore because of the way certain people's post made me feel and it was easier for me to stay away. Best thing I ever did! You can't completely control what you see on there or expect people to censor what they put for fear of upsetting anyone because of their, possibly unknown, circumstances.

Senpai yep I chose to get upset when I lost four babies and I chose to react badly when friend after friend had their dcs without incident. It wasn't a visceral, heart breaking experience at all, just be wanting to be a special snowflake.

Exactly Iggi999

Iggi

Oh thank you. I got my baby in the end thank god. And I can feel pleased again to see pg news, even on Facebook! Even my current self can't really remember how awful it was for my old self, never mind if you've never been through it.

I removed myself from Facebook after my miscarriages as I knew I was in a bad bad place and was liable to be over sensitive to scan photos and pregnancy news.

I eventually went back and am now 30 weeks but have not mentioned my pregnancy once on FB simply because it's too painful for me to deal with. I am basically now a total screw up so I can absolutely understand your friends reactions. Thing is your pregnant friend also has the right to be happy and excited and if it is too painful for your two friends they can adjust their settings and unfollow her.

It is up to the person who is upset to amend their settings - as long as the content is against decency laws or depicting illegal activity then there is nothing wrong - don't want to see it for your own personal reasons then amend your own settings.

Am sure your friends will be celebrating their own offering when/if it happens for them- and why shouldn't they:)

*is not against decency laws

I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. The following week a friend who knew about my mc announced her pregnancy. Since then I've not accessed Facebook and I feel much better. However the problem is that now I feel out of the loop because lots of friends use Facebook alone to announce important news (such as births)

Two of my close friends' are no longer good friends because one struggled to conceive (although she now has a daughter) and the other came off the pill and fell pregnant immediately.

The one who got pregnant easily tried to shelter the other friend but also felt like she was less close to her because the biggest thing in her life was happening and she felt she couldn't mention it. The other friend was jealous of her and also felt shut-out as the first friend wasn't sharing it with her.It's a real shame!

I do think that people shouldn't censor their facebook photos . I remember finding myself single at 30 and friends' wedding and couply pictures upset me but I would never have even considered that they shouldn't post them. It's a but gauling when friends of mine are buying houses in because their parents have given them a massive lump sum when mine don't I don't expect them not to post anything about it on facebook. Obviously these things aren't as bad as infetertility but there are always people who have things that you can't have in life and facebook reflects this. And you don't have to be on facebook and you have the option to block/delete anyone who upsets you.