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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that I had to help with breakfast this morning!

57 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 20:01

Every weekend we make more of an effort with breakfast, rather than the usual toast or porridge we'll have a fry up, sausage &egg sandwich or something.
When I do it I just get on with it, sort it all out (tbh, not that hard!), lay the table and make the brews. Only calling for people when it's ready.
We never get a lie in, so I count it as a bit of a take turns thing so the other can chill out, play with kids and what not.
So why, every time my dh offers to make breakfast (it was sausage & egg sandwiches for 4 this morning) does he ask me to come help about half way through to usually butter bread/make the brews, and if I don't want to he gets cross and says I'm just sitting on my arse not doing anything (I'm usually on my phone or flicking througj a paper/mag of some sort. This morning I was playing a game on my phone with my 6year old.
I got in a huff as I may as well have just done it all myself if I was going to end up in the kitchen anyway, and he got in a huff because I was being selfish and not willing to help.
I had to point out to him that I nevee ask him to help me as it's nice to take turns.

OP posts:
FellOffMyUnicorn · 28/11/2015 20:05

guess you're just going to have to ask him for help when you're doing it?

maybe make it more of a family event

shutupandshop · 28/11/2015 20:07

Just stay in bed.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 20:13

Our kitchen is tiny so I get all streased when there's both of us in there anyway as he gets in my way :)

Staying in bed isn't an option as I get up and play with the kids whilst he's doing breakfast. It's like he waits until I sit down to ask me!

I'm just wondering if anyone elses dh's are like this? Just seemingly uncapable of just getting on with it!

OP posts:
SallyStarbuck · 28/11/2015 20:17

That would be me, calling for help Blush

It sounds fair though, really. I'd just have a chat and explain what you'd like. It's really not unreasonable to take turns one morning every other week where one of you faffs with breakfast and one of you chills with the kids.

But make it a reasonable conversation, without getting snappy about it (which is really hard not to do when you're actually pissed off as it's happening) and ask if you can really to let the other person have that time off.

dlwelly · 28/11/2015 20:23

No - yanbu!

If you do it all one week he should the next!

GruntledOne · 28/11/2015 20:23

So what did he say when you pointed out that you don't ask for help?

AdoraBell · 28/11/2015 20:27

What Unicorn said, and YANBU.

Littleonesaid · 28/11/2015 20:28

My DH is the same. He can't do anything home/child related without "help". Drives me insane (but he has other redeeming qualities).

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 28/11/2015 20:34

I hate deliberate incompetence.

If you werent there I am sure he would manage, but because you are he decides to delegate.

I think a sit down chat about it with clear rules of "whoever is cooking does it all", would be in order. If that fails then call him in every 5 minutes to "help" you next week, and then make the point.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 28/11/2015 20:35

You will have to swallow the stress in order to do that though, but it should be worth it.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 20:38

Yeah sally I'm planning on saying next time, as I get up to sort it, that I'll do breakfast so he can chill out and remind him that he doesn't expect to help just like I won't next time.

He just got huffy gruntled and started mumbling about how it's no big deal for me to help and it's not hard to help! And that it's my own fault for not asking him for help when it's my turn. I then realised that we weren't on the same page when it comes to giving the other a morning off!

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 20:40

gladys it is deliberate incompetence! I think that's why it's annoys me the most! He doesn't need my help, but obviously he is resenting me sitting on the sofa when I could be making a brew.

OP posts:
VenusRising · 28/11/2015 20:41

Oh dear, sounds like it's "women's work" to him, and he's only there because he thinks he's a modern man.

In reality he's resentful and passive aggressive, and really rather pathetic. That's really scraping the barrel to ask you to butter toast!!! I mean wtf? He's pretending to be hopeless so you'll let him off the hook, and he won't have to do it.

I'd draw up a schedule and never, ever help him when it's his turn. Just let him get on with it. Burnt toast? runny eggs? bacon you could play tennis with? repeat, this isn't very nice, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon..

Stay in bed, or go for a walk on your own. Do not go into the kitchen to butter toast. Get him to realise he has to sort it out, and clean the kitchen up after himself also.

When it's your turn, don't ask him to help, and don't complain if he's reading, or if he's stays in bed or goes for a walk.

My DH would be ashamed to ask for such help. He's a fully functioning adult, and co parent. I'd have given him the boot if he was such a resentful, and quite frankly useless man child.

spaceyboo · 28/11/2015 20:44

My husband's like this though in my case he's only like this when he sees me in the kitchen lol

chibsortig · 28/11/2015 20:50

YANBU my husband is the same. He's a pain in the arse. When its my turn to make meals I do so alone, yet when he makes them he becomes useless yet he is a fully trained chef.
Trained chef - expects someone to clean up around/after him and have many helpers fetching and carrying. He always shouts me to dish up.
I am just a cook so therefore i can clean up as i go and after myself and even plate up and set the table.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 20:51

Tbf he's not a man child. It just seems to be when he's cooking he needs help!
He's a perfectly good cook and knew his way around the kitchen way better than I did when we met.
It does really piss me off though that he does only ask when he knows I'm not doing anything, like I should have a job!
He does this thing too with house work were he'll do something like clean the bathroom, or do the laundry but go on about that he's done it for ages afterwards, yes venus passive aggressively like I never do it Confused

OP posts:
Picturesofmatchstickmen · 28/11/2015 21:02

I don't think this is an issue of sexism or seeing it as women's work, my DH is the same and I don't bloody get it, as he is generally a bloody lovely bloke who works his bollocks off, at home and at work, but he's only like that when I'm hard at work too! He seems to get resentful if I'm relaxing when he's busy, yet the other way round it doesn't bother me at all

Senpai · 28/11/2015 21:12

DH tried that trick when it was his turn to watch DD so I had a moment to relax. I told gave him a dramatic cheesy "I believe in you!" speech. The next time I got behind him and gave him a very patronizing step by step on how to change a diaper.

He has a good sense of humor, laughed it off, and now tends to DD marvelously.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 28/11/2015 21:20

OP do you think it could be a simple case of communication breakdown? Have you actually agreed it's a take turns arrangement, or are you maybe just assuming he'll figure that out?

I hope you don't mind me asking. Sometimes you just have to be explicit as some people aren't that good at reading between the lines/need things just saying plainly.

Could that be it?

surprisearrival · 28/11/2015 21:24

stop moaning, try being a single mum who does it all, every day, alone. Put down your phone, magazine etc and enter the real world.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 28/11/2015 21:28

stop moaning, try being a single mum who does it all, every day, alone. Put down your phone, magazine etc and enter the real world.

And your point is.....?

Wombat87 · 28/11/2015 21:30

Lol OP I get the same. If I cook dinner, I clean and tidy as I go. By time serving up is done it's like I've never even cooked in there. Just what's been in the oven and the plates for the dishwasher. DP does it and goes "ok you can clean as I cooked". And god damn if he hasn't used EVERYTHING in the kitchen and made a stinking mess. He will also call for coffee and butter bread duties with breakfast. I normally make him do the worst jobs if he does ask for help and I'll old the dishwasher ;).

I honestly don't think they can cope in there with the multiple things. Perhaps just ask for the same he does when it's your turn ... It does decrease over time haha Wink

chillycurtains · 28/11/2015 21:54

I think you just need to communicate. YANBU but tbh putting in on a Mumsnet post won't help. You don't need advice you just need to talk to your DH about what you want to do.

Inneedofachat15 · 28/11/2015 22:21

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Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 28/11/2015 22:24

Well as someone who spent many years as a single parent, I side with her!

The fact is that every other weekend she gets on with it, she leaves him to play with the kids and relax. However, she doesnt get that, she gets called into the kitchen to help because he cant possibly cope with making hot sandwiches and a pot of tea. Its the cooking equivalent of a lie in. He gets one, but he needs "help" when it is her turn.

If anyone needs to step up and stop whinging, its him.