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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that I had to help with breakfast this morning!

57 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 20:01

Every weekend we make more of an effort with breakfast, rather than the usual toast or porridge we'll have a fry up, sausage &egg sandwich or something.
When I do it I just get on with it, sort it all out (tbh, not that hard!), lay the table and make the brews. Only calling for people when it's ready.
We never get a lie in, so I count it as a bit of a take turns thing so the other can chill out, play with kids and what not.
So why, every time my dh offers to make breakfast (it was sausage & egg sandwiches for 4 this morning) does he ask me to come help about half way through to usually butter bread/make the brews, and if I don't want to he gets cross and says I'm just sitting on my arse not doing anything (I'm usually on my phone or flicking througj a paper/mag of some sort. This morning I was playing a game on my phone with my 6year old.
I got in a huff as I may as well have just done it all myself if I was going to end up in the kitchen anyway, and he got in a huff because I was being selfish and not willing to help.
I had to point out to him that I nevee ask him to help me as it's nice to take turns.

OP posts:
BushyTailedPony · 28/11/2015 22:26

Do what my DH does and disappear into the loo for twenty minutes if he is asked to lay the table before dinner. With his phone to surf the internet. Drives me mad!

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 22:58

Lol suprisearrival my dh works on an oil rig 3 weeks on 3 weeks off, so although I'm not on my own all of the time, or financially. I am still alone with 2 kids for 3 weeks at a time, with closest family 3 hours drive away. When he is home I think I am allowed to sot and chill for half hour whilst he does the breakfast?
Anyway.... Why do I have to justify myself? Even if he didn't work away surely it wouldn't be unreasonable to have a break?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 23:02

inneed are you name changing within a thread? Confused

I'm not thinking everyone will side with me. I'm wondering whether anyone can relate with me and have a vent at the same time? Is this not allowed or shall I stick with current affairs and christmas threads?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 23:03

Yes chilly I think more communication is in order!

OP posts:
ouryve · 28/11/2015 23:03

It is deliberate. Plenty of men living alone manage regular fry ups.

DH isn't the most talented or experienced cook, but he manages to rustle up eg or bacon sarnies for the boys, most days. Admittedly, he's crap at cleaning up after himself, but he has pretty demanding customers (ASD) but they're satisfied 9 times out of 10.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 28/11/2015 23:06

Yanbu.

Women find it hard to not have a 'job' going on at home and men don't seem to. A man wouldn't feel bad about just sitting reading or playing a game.

We have this: DP cooks and makes a shocking mess. I am asked to lay the table and then I clear up while he gets the DCs to bed.
I bloody hate laying the table

ouryve · 28/11/2015 23:06

Ineed you sound a bit angry and irrational. Why should anyone play the only capable parent role if they're in a functioning couple with another healthy adult? Talk about wearing a hair shirt.

gandalf456 · 28/11/2015 23:07

My dh does this too and it also drives me nuts. However I am finding myself getting him to help me more as it does make it easier. He definitely does it because he doesn't want me to sit down, though, but I point out that sometimes he sits down when I am busy and that's the way it goes. I also cook all week without him there and I manage even though I hate cooking and am crap at it. You could always go off and busy yourself with something you can't stop. I think I have done this. I am also finding myself being firmer in general with getting him to take turns in making drinks

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/11/2015 23:11

suspect it's nothing to do with competence or otherwise in the kitchen or whether you can manage without help blah blah

this is about him not liking you sitting down doing nothing while he is doing something. i know because my DH would do exactly the same, ask me to lay the table, get out plates, anything he could think of to try and make me get up

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 23:14

The things I end up busying myself with are sorting the clean laundry out haha!.... I can shut myself in a room and just slowly put it all away! I'm doing a job, but also getting a bit of quiet time.... Sad eh?!

I don't mind doing the dishes as again, I can just stand in front of the sink with radio on, doing a job but not having to think/talk for a bit :)

OP posts:
trufflehunterthebadger · 28/11/2015 23:17

stop moaning, try being a single mum who does it all, every day, alone. Put down your phone, magazine etc and enter the real world

gosh some people really are twattishly tedious

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 28/11/2015 23:19

truffle does it make you resent him? It makes me resent dh! I don't want to feel guilty when I sit down.

We both have the initiative to just get on with something that needs doing, so if I see that the tumble drier needs emptying I'll do it and go sort the clothes out whilst he's either doing something else or chilling with the kids/on sofa. But if he seed the tumble drier full, he'll empty it and if I'm busy he'll sort it, but if I'm chilling he'll ask me to sort the clothes. I usually say no to requests that aren't too pressig. Which is why the breakfast thing annoyed me as I felt I couldn't say no as it needed to be done there & then!

OP posts:
BockCadger · 28/11/2015 23:23

Wow, please don't give us single parents a bad name.
YANBU OP. Make sure you ask him to do the brews or lay the table next time and keep at it until he gets the picture.

Wagglebees · 28/11/2015 23:23

Surprise\Inneed If you're going to name change to be a dick, try not to post under your previous name on the same thread.

landrover · 29/11/2015 00:07

Ehhh, stick the kids in front of the tv and stay in bed! No need to martyr yourself! x

shinynewusername · 29/11/2015 08:05

You need to be really explicit about taking turns.

And in our house we have a rule that the cook also washes up. Due to years in catering jobs as a student, I'm a ninja at washing up as I go along whereas DH had the classic male cooking apocalypse approach - even scrambled eggs left the kitchen looking like a small war had been fought in there. Funnily enough, now that he has to wash up his own mess, he's a whole lot neater Wink

Believeitornot · 29/11/2015 08:11

Call him out on it. I would? You're making assumptions- you need to check by asking him.

IwishIwasinNewYork · 29/11/2015 08:14

Well I can see why it was annoying, but why have these elaborate breakfasts if they just cause stress and resentment between you and h. Might be a fabulous idea on paper, and one you like to tell yourself is a gorgeous little tradition, but in reality it doesn't work for you.

Womaloosh · 29/11/2015 08:22

Crikey Indeed. I don't think that your being a single parent should mean that OP never gets a break. That's an insane way of thinking.

Lightbulbon · 29/11/2015 08:25

Read wifework.

ExplodingCarrots · 29/11/2015 08:41

My DP is the same OP. Overall he is lovely and we have a great relationship but this is one of the things he does that gets on my nerves.

If im sat down and he decides to clean or tidy he has to ask me to do something.. Even if I've only just sat down after doing jobs. Or if he's doing something with dd, like changing or dressing her , he has to call and ask for something.

I say to him can't you just crack on by yourself Because I'm fine doing all this alone (sahm) and he says his usual response 'well it's easier with 2 people' Hmm

He's not like it aaalll the time but it happens and it makes my blood boil.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 29/11/2015 08:43

Iwish I wouldn't call a sausage sandwich ellaborate! Which is exactly my point. It's nt hard to make so why should he expect me to help?! It's not even a tradition or something we want to make in to a tradition. It's just nice to have something different from porridge or toast on the weekend.

landrover I thought my post my come across as me being a martyr but I serious can't do lie ins! I prefer to chill on the sofa instead.

I either need to just get on with it my self each time he's here, or make it clear that if he offers he should do it!
I don't mind helping him with stuff, but it's just that fact that he doesn't need the help!

OP posts:
diddl · 29/11/2015 08:46

Well I can't see the problem with him asking.

The problem is that he gets nasty when OP says no.

I sometimes ask for help more -for the company.

No problem if others are busy.

Then again I don't really get the "I do it all alone so he should also"-if it's no hassle to help out, why not sometimes?

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 29/11/2015 08:51

exploding completely relate! It's like they are blind to any housework we do, but what they do must be noted and we must help as otherwise we'll be accused of not doing anything :/

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 29/11/2015 08:55

OP yanbu. He is playing the martyr and being PA. I totally understand why you're annoyed and I would be too.