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Original poster

How to politely decline giving cigarettes to colleague?

129 replies

ChangingLivesOneday · 28/11/2015 16:05

I work with a woman who is otherwise a great colleague and friend in so far as our working relationship goes but over time I've noticed that she asks me a bit too much for a cigarette. On the first few occasions I didn't think much of it and just gave her one if she asked but now I have a sneaking suspicion that she's purposefully asking me my lunch plans so she can tag along and bum a smoke.

I don't smoke during work hours, only during lunch and on the way home. But she'll occasionally come to my desk and ask if I have a cigarette which I invariably do.

I have tried only having 2 cigarettes in the pack, as such when she's asked I've been able to respond saying, "I only have two, one for lunch and one for walk to tube" (not that I should explain that to her but I feel the need to). However, I fear she'll catch on and indeed why should I only carry 2 cigarettes at a time.

I don't mind it occasionally but I can't afford to subsidise her smoking habits. As I said, she's otherwise a great colleague and we do get along but I feel myself being put off because of this smoking issue.

I'm not for the famous MN line of 'No' is a complete sentence so would welcome something a bit more tactful but indeed if the case is that I should just say 'No' then how should I handle it?

OP posts:
FinestGrundyTurkey · 28/11/2015 16:59

One standard cig costs around 40p? (I just had look at L&B on mysupermarket so it's a very rough estimate, I'm guessing some cost more)

so 3 a day is £1.20.

so 3 every day is over £8 a week - minimum Hmm

How do these people get this cheeky???

JaceLancs · 28/11/2015 17:00

Just say politely I can't afford to keep giving you ciggies - no other explanation needed

ThatsNiceDear · 28/11/2015 17:01

Tell her you only ever carry 2 now because you're cutting down, so you make sure you've only got the 2 each day. If you go out after work, just smoke more than that and if she even notices, she'll probably get the message. If she questions it 'I usually do the 2 thing, but forgot today', or 'this is my last pack before giving up so I'm trying to make them last'.

queenrollo · 28/11/2015 17:03

Do you still have the e-cigs? I'd be tempted to keep my cigarettes hidden and say you're on the e-cig now. If you have more than one e-cig offer to give her the spare?

I'm bolshy and would just tell her to sod off, but I know it's not easy to be so blunt if it's not your nature.

IguanaTail · 28/11/2015 17:06

Just say "sorry, I only have enough for me and my cheap Europe stock has dried up. Can you bum one off someone else?" If she says yes, fine, if she says no then say "do you know the area at all? There's a newsagent on the corner you could try".

Next day when she asks repeat exactly the conversation above.

If she's nice to hang out with at lunch then continue to do so.

lexigrey · 28/11/2015 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 28/11/2015 17:06

Women are socialised into not saying no. We had a workshop in my last job and it was remarkable how many couldn't say no even in an roleplay scenario.

So - Can you practice saying no until you're comfortable with it?

Get a friend to ask you for a cig using the same words your colleage does.

Tell your friend to fuck off, or any of the other great responses you've had here.

Wait for the sky to fall in.

Sky hasn't fallen in.

Try again. Use a different response. Find one that works for you.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 28/11/2015 17:08

Does she actually say 'have you got a cigarette?'

Just say yes. Don't get one out and give it to her - she only asked if you had one, not if she could have it!

DoreenLethal · 28/11/2015 17:09

Start saying 'No surely it is your turn now after me stumping you around X' [50, 500 whatever you think you have given her]?

IguanaTail · 28/11/2015 17:10

It utterly takes the piss. It's about 50p a fag. Can you imagine going to a colleague every day to ask for 50p.

Footle · 28/11/2015 17:15

There was no reason to tell her you had brought cheap ones back from holiday. And definitely no need to tell her next time you do that.

DancingDinosaur · 28/11/2015 17:15

Hand her the fag and say that will be 50p please Smile

toffeeboffin · 28/11/2015 17:15

Similar thing happened to me but with bananas.

I used to take a bunch of bananas to work. Colleague used to ask me for one. At least once a week, when the bunch was full. So I instead just used to keep the bunch in the car and take one off every morning.

She never asked if she could have my single banana, so why the actual fuck would she think it's OK just because it was part of a bunch?

What am it, a frigging banana farm or what?

Your colleague is taking the piss.

Hissy · 28/11/2015 17:16

I think the best way is to say "I think if you are going to smoke as much as you do - asking me every day for a cigarette, and moving your lunches around I accommodate it - you really ought to start buying your own, if nothing else, you could offer me some back every so often, otherwise resentment will creep in and spoil an otherwise great working friendship."

FireCrotch · 28/11/2015 17:17

I remember my work friend telling a stingy customer after one too many requests for a fag. "I can't afford for us both to smoke so one of us will have to quit". Say that to her.

lavenderhoney · 28/11/2015 17:17

your only option is to stop spending Lunch with her. Tell her you have plans and if she says " can I still have a cigarette?" Say " no can do anymore! My cheapies have run out. You're going to have to buy your own from now on:)

If you go to lunch you can hardly sit and smoke whilst she stares at you like a poodle wanting a biscuit. But that's her choice, if she does.

hampsterdam · 28/11/2015 17:21

One of my pet hates 'got a spare fag?'. No its a pack of 20 not 21 no spares in here. I vape now, I would highly recommend it op, cheap, no smell, no ash, no cancer.

Original poster
ChangingLivesOneday · 28/11/2015 17:24

Imustgodowntotheseaagain She actually says "Changing, have you got a cigarette?" I then say yes and proffer one.

Worra That's why I started the thread because as it has transpired, it would be very easy for everyone else to just say 'no' but I find myself faltering and failing at every interaction and indeed needing to justify myself. It's just my disposition. When I only had two I was very confident in just saying no I cant because xyz but as I always carry at least a pack I'm not as confident in giving excuses as I feel I might turn red or something.

Perhaps the key here is just pulling up my big girl pants and just looking on and saying 'no xx, I don't have any spare smokes to give'

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 28/11/2015 17:26

"Changing, have you got a cigarette?"
"Not to lend, sorry. Someone else might".

Original poster
ChangingLivesOneday · 28/11/2015 17:27

Hissy Resentment is the exact word I was looking for. I don't want to go back in on Monday and discover her loitering over my desk come lunch or whatever other time of day it is in hope of a smoke. She has her own and I'm now convinced she's using me but I don't necessarily have proof or a way of saying it to her.

OP posts:
JemimaMuddleDuck · 28/11/2015 17:32

Mon
"Having you got a cigarette, Changing?"
"No sorry"

Tues
"Having you got a cigarette, Changing?"
"No sorry"

Wed
"Having you got a cigarette, Changing?"
"No sorry"

Thu
"Having you got a cigarette, Changing?"
"No sorry"

Fri
"Having you got a cigarette, Changing?"
"No sorry"

No explanation is required. The message will get through eventually.

Or

"Having you got a cigarette, Changing?"
"No but I do have a full packet if you want to buy it?"

FarelyKnuts · 28/11/2015 17:33

This is definitely held tilt territory. Next time she asks...
"Mary/Jane/Sarah/whatever her name is, is there some reason you never carry your own cigs to work?"

INeedNewShoes · 28/11/2015 17:35

Is she using the cigarette thing as a way to spend time with you?

Even so, I still think 'no, sorry' is the correct answer. I love Jemima's post. It makes it look straightforward - and really, it is!

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2015 17:39

If you go red then you go red.

It's really not a big deal.

She's the one in the wrong here, not you. I think you need to remember that.

Decide4Yourself · 28/11/2015 17:40

Grrr, these threads infuriate me. I want to come over to where you work and have a word with the scrounger and to shake some sense into the OP!

Honestly OP, you just need to stop being such a wuss. I know it always a bit awkward dealing with things like this but letting it fester on whilst trying to dream up complicated ways of dealing with by avoiding dealing with it is crazy. All you need to do is politely tell her that you don't want to share your ciggies anymore. That's it, dont apologies, don't make excuses, don't explain, dont beat about the bush. It might be a bit embarrassing but so what.

I've got so much better at this over the years and I find it lots easier than I used to. The less you say the better and if they press the matter I find a shrug or repeating what I've already said helps.

Good luck. I know ^^ is easier said than done.