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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a baby shower for baby no. 2 is a bit grabby?

78 replies

CallaLilli · 28/11/2015 09:43

I've just received an invite to a shower that a colleague is throwing herself for her second baby. With expensive gift list! I did go to her first shower, which also had an expensive gift list, but I think doing the same thing the second time around is a bit odd, and I'm probably going to decline the invitation.

I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of throwing yourself a baby shower (it's different if someone else wants to do it for you) and sending out a list of what you'd like. It just comes across as grabby. Though maybe it's understandable for DC1 but subsequent DCs? The gift list has outfits from Bonpoint on it, FFS!

She is having a girl this time (DC1 is a boy) and says she can't possibly use boys clothes etc for DD, so I guess that's her justification for the shower, but still...

OP posts:

maggiethemagpie · 28/11/2015 15:55

I had a baby shower for my firstborn, it was a complete suprise, I knew nothing about it until it happened! That 's the way it should be in my opinion. I would never have dreamed of organising it myself or having a list. I didn't have a shower for my second, nor did I expect it. Most friends bought a gift once the baby had been born, but I didn't need any of the essentials and it was certainly not obligatory.

So yes, very grabby

alltouchedout · 28/11/2015 16:03

I don't know anyone IRL who has had a baby shower. I think they're a nice enough idea if organised for you, but doing your own? Yes, grabby indeed, particularly if you have a gift list.

SarahSavesTheDay · 28/11/2015 16:18

I had one (I'm American) and as expat says they are the norm in the US. If you were to tell your friends you didn't want one, they might be slightly offended. It's an affirmation of your friendship (similar to being a bridesmaid).

PatrickPolarBear · 28/11/2015 16:27

I'm in the US and it is normal to throw a baby shower for the second (or even third!) child. When I had my second child, my friends took me out for a spa trip and lunch afterwards and bought me some gifts for DC2. I was really grateful to them and happy about it BUT they chose to do it themselves. I never expected anything or asked anyone.

General etiquette in the US, as far as I can tell, is that friends & family throw it for you. The expectant mother never asks or organizes it herself. That would definitely be grabby.

kickassangel · 28/11/2015 16:34

I also live in the US, and showers are for first babies only, and definitely hosted by friends/family.

My work always does one for a first baby of worker or partner, both male & female guests, and we all club together to get something practical. But we're a very caring & sharing type workplace, so no-one would become a parent without being given a shower. Among my friends we do it for a first baby, women only. It's actually pretty low key and more about a nice time together and helping to get set up for the first baby.

Gifts are never given when the baby arrives btw, so completely the opposite of my experience of having DD when we lived in the UK.

PatrickPolarBear · 28/11/2015 16:56

Interesting reading the thread to see most people agree it's only for firstborns! I have been invited to a number of showers for second born DC and a friend of a friend recently had a shower for her soon-to-be-born third. Seems to be absolutely the norm to me.

So far as I've seen it's less about the gifts and more about affirming friendship as Sarah says and welcoming the new baby, regardless how many babies the mother already has had. Although I imagine by DC6, friends might get a tad bored of throwing a shower...

expatinscotland · 28/11/2015 18:30

I left the US in 2002 and had all my children here in Scotland so I was never invited to a shower for a second child. I guess if so and I didn't agree with it I'd just do what I did when invited to a shower and couldn't make it: just decline politely and give a gift later.

I've been to a few when I've been there since. I just drive along to Target or BabiesRUs or wherever and pick something up or pick up a gift certificate.

I went to many in the US. They're just normal there, not seen as grabby.

strawberryandaflake · 28/11/2015 18:37

Baby showers are just plain rude.

'Hey everyone, I uncrossed my legs so you all need to give me things I could get for myself!'

Aargh!

SarahSavesTheDay · 28/11/2015 18:44

'Hey everyone, I uncrossed my legs so you all need to give me things I could get for myself!

That is so crass.

LonelySatsuma · 28/11/2015 18:48

I dont get the terrible hatred for baby showers per se, though.

I've been to a few, organised a few. They've never been grabby or tacky. Never heard of gift lists or come across an attention-seeking, primadonna mum-to-be.

My mum and sister organised one for me when I had my first baby, too. It was lovely - just lunch with my closest friends and female relatives. They brought gifts, but just little things. It was a nice occasion.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 28/11/2015 18:50

I've been to some lovely ones for close friends that have been arranged by friends or sisters of the mother to be. But only for the first baby, there was no expectation of bringing a present - though I did as I would get the baby something anyway so was an easy time to hand it over. They were nice low key events involving lots of tea and cake and just getting to hang out with close friends before another one of use disappeared in to the world of new babyness for a few months. With subsequent babies we don't do showers but do try to get organised and cook the mums to be some meals to pop in the freezer to have on stand by when they need it.

waitingforsomething · 28/11/2015 18:56

Very. I think if someone has a baby shower arranged by someone else, for their first baby and with no gift list then this is acceptable. It can be nice to celebrate the excitement of your first child with your friends and if they want to buy you a gift that's lovely as there are lots of things a first time mum needs.
To arrange your own shower, just because the 2nd baby is a different sex is very grabby. And a giftlist?! I have never ever seen a giftlist for a baby shower. I'm not even sure what you would need a second time other than clothes

Outaboutnowt · 28/11/2015 18:57

I agree with you OP.
A woman I know organised a baby shower for her second baby, with a similarly expensive gift list. All handmade, organic cotton baby clothes were on it.
Nobody showed up - literally nobody. Maybe they all were busy, but she was really angry and did a Facebook rant about it

Fratelli · 28/11/2015 19:01

Unbelievably grabby! Yanbu at all!

Bunbaker · 28/11/2015 19:11

"Although I imagine by DC6, friends might get a tad bored of throwing a shower"

Perhaps one of the "gifts" could be a packet of condoms

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 28/11/2015 19:20

I know someone with 4 kids who had one each time but......she charged £5 for a ticket with all the money going to the NSPCC (I think, could have been Barnados), strictly no gifts and tea and cakes for everyone. That I am ok with, but anything else, no.

Themoleandcrew · 28/11/2015 19:29

I was thrown a surprise shower. But mine was a boozy fun get together. One upside to adoption is that you can drink copiously to get you through the 'baby shower'

Senpai · 28/11/2015 19:42

American here, we only have showers the first baby. After that you've already got the crib, high chair, bottles, bassinet/moses basket, monitors toys, etc.. for the next baby/ies. So another baby shower would be pointless. and we do give gifts to all new babies when we meet them to welcome to the family/world

It's not a grabby thing in America to have a party where gifts are expected, or even to give a wish list or registry out for gifts. We just have a prominent gift culture where you give nice gifts for big milestones. No one really thinks anything of it.

Clothes were the least expensive part for DD. Walmart/ASDA sells onesies and feeties in bundles for cheap prices. Expensive clothes are wasted on babies, unless you're doing a photo shoot (and even then you only need one expensive dress).

Senpai · 28/11/2015 19:56

I'm in the US and it is normal to throw a baby shower for the second (or even third!) child.

I don't think I've heard of a baby shower for subsequent babies. Although, it is rude if you don't buy something for the following babies to welcome them. In my anecdotal experience, the next baby being born is a special occasion, so you have to get them nice gifts.

expatinscotland · 28/11/2015 20:06

'But mine was a boozy fun get together.'

See, this is where the import goes astray. They are not 'boozy get togethers' in the US. Ever. A lot of have no alcohol at all and take place between, like 2pm-4pm on Sat. or Sun. afternoon. They always have a gift list, usually the mum-to-be is registered at more than one store, with a range of items varying in price. They are never thrown by the mum-to-be herself and I have not personally been invited to one for subsequent children.

Strangertides1 · 28/11/2015 20:15

Very grabby. I thought so when my friend has a second baby shower for her second child, who was the same sex! Am on my third and I've not had a single one. As for the second child being a girl, well I've had two boy and this one is a girl, am reusing boy clothes by adding bows, ribbons and buttons. I'd also suggest she do a car boot sal!

PatrickPolarBear · 28/11/2015 20:19

Could be it's just my friendship group because we all got to know one another through our eldest children when they were toddlers already. Our second / third round baby showers may be particular to us because we never got to throw one another firstborn baby showers. Could also be a new trend that is starting in the US recently?

Either way, yes to all the other points on it being thrown by friends, in the afternoon, typically alcohol-free etc.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 28/11/2015 20:36

I've been to one and it was quite nice.

I prefer to give a gift once the baby is born though.

I think there is a difference in culture with the UK and the usa.

Pippa12 · 28/11/2015 20:40

The hatred towards baby showers is a mystery to me. I love meeting up with my friends to celebrate their new child, 1st, 2nd or 10th!!! I've never been to one that expected a pram/cot/diamond encrusted bottles!!! Buy a pack of bibs and go along- you never know you might enjoy it! I'm at one tomorrow and I can't wait!

Dogzeyes · 28/11/2015 20:42

Genuinely can someone explain why it is embarrassing to receive a gift?

I really enjoy getting gifts for people, and if people are limited on space/have certain ideas about what they want I would much rather get a gift from a gift list so I know they will definately love it. (Takes the stress out of wondering what to get them!)

I'm not trying to be anagonistic just genuinely surprised at some of the comments. (I have aspergers so genuinely find these things confusing so go easy on me if I am missing something!)

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