To think a baby shower for baby no. 2 is a bit grabby?

[CallaLilli]

I've just received an invite to a shower that a colleague is throwing herself for her second baby. With expensive gift list! I did go to her first shower, which also had an expensive gift list, but I think doing the same thing the second time around is a bit odd, and I'm probably going to decline the invitation.

I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of throwing yourself a baby shower (it's different if someone else wants to do it for you) and sending out a list of what you'd like. It just comes across as grabby. Though maybe it's understandable for DC1 but subsequent DCs? The gift list has outfits from Bonpoint on it, FFS!

She is having a girl this time (DC1 is a boy) and says she can't possibly use boys clothes etc for DD, so I guess that's her justification for the shower, but still...

I think they are a bit cringey , A relative wanted one to get together but she didn't want any presents I thought that was fine. Gift lists are awful though.

There are rules to consider! Not only are you not supposed to have one for subsequent children (it's considered less bad but still questionable if there is an unusually big gap between children) but you're not supposed to throw one yourself. It can't even be a relative because this is considered grabby.

It has to be a friend who spearheads the shower, usually with the support of other friends who have genuine affection for the mother to be and want to fete her before the baby arrives.

Baby registries are horrible, part of the idea is that other experienced mothers show the new mother the way by helping her out with baby essentials.

YANBU. I had a baby shower. My mum threw it for me in mind I would get lots of "pressies". I told her I didn't want that and it sounds grabby. She ended up telling all guests not to buy me anything and that it was just for company in the end. Unfortunately everyone brought a bloody gift. I was grateful but it was really embarrassing tbh

It doesn't sound as if you like her much.

I don't think this being a second baby is relevant to how much you like her or her plans.

I enjoy a baby shower if it is a pregnancy-friendly party with your friends.

I think they are generally grabby and won't be having one myself (5 months pregnant). However a close friend had one, but it was more of an excuse to eat loads of chocolate (lock in at a lovely chocolate shop!) and have a few drinks afterwards. There was no gift list but we did buy her things (asked her DH) - nothing huge. There were 8 of us and it was really nice actually, not at all cringeworthy! Baby no 2 plus expensive gift list does feel a bit odd..

Yes it's different if a friend wants to do organise it, it is usually just for the first baby, not 2,3,4,5 babies. Your friend sounds very grabby, I would decline.

Yanbu.
When I was pregnant with DC3 my "friends" threw me one. I didn't know they were planning it. And was unbelievably pissed off when I found out. I didn't want one. It was awful.
Full of food I hated, people I had never met and stupid fucking "games" (basically let's all laugh at the pregnant lady on crutches) they wanted to measure my bump and guess how fat I was.. I was carrying a fucking 10lb 10oz beast, I was huge and didn't need to be reminded of that!
They also slagged off my DCs dad, to my mum, and laughed saying I was in so much pain (SPD) I would never be able to give birth naturally and I would definitely need a c-section.
Safe to say i don't speak to these people anymore.

Fucking hell Fatty!

I'm genuinely confused as to why people you didn't know came? Please don't tell me friends of the pregnant woman invite all and sundry on FB??!

I think baby showers are grabby regardless of whether it is first baby or not and regardless of who organises it.
I would never have one and will never attend one.

fatty that sounds absolutely ghastly, I am not surprised you don't see them anymore, don't sound much like friends.

YANBU as she's throwing the baby shower for herself. If it was someone else throwing the party I may be swayed, especially if it's a total surprise.

Making your own gift list is definitely grabby - they'd be lucky to get a card and a pair of scratch mitts off me.

Yuck! Baby showers are really naff in my opinion. Doubly so if they are organised by the expectant mother. Expensive gift lists for any occasion just make people look grabby, as some sort of reward system for procreating it is vile and entitled. If you cannot afford to get all the pointless shit that PFM wants required equipment for parenting then keep your bloody knees together.

"I may be swayed, especially if it's a total surprise."

I wouldn't go if it was a total surprise. Read Fatty's post.

It was their friends. They basically used my pregnancy as an excuse to get together with their friends. it was awful.

I love baby showers and have no problem with them being for each baby a person has. However I see them as a celebration of pregnancy and the new little human being that is being brought in to the world. They are fun when they are chilled, relaxed get togethers that celebrate this. I have never attended one with a gift list so I guess the ones I have been to are a bit different. In terms of presents I have never brought much more than a couple of babygros, clothing, patterned muslins, a pack of nappies, bubble bath and couple for mum-to-be. Pretty much that same gift I would give a mum when the baby is delivered. Gift lists for a baby shower are a bit weird. It's not a wedding!!

I'm from the US. They are held for a first child, they happen in the afternoon, they are usually non-alcoholic, gift lists are the norm (you don't ask for cash), women only and only last a couple of hours. You never throw one for yourself.

I never had one as I feel like they are counting your chickens before they hatch.

I would decline this one. Just buy her a gift after the baby arrives.

I'm of the opinion that baby showers with gift lists are grabby full stop.

expat

That's interesting. I think it's one of those US traditions that just doesn't work over here (same with Black Friday ). It's not the right fit. We're too horrified and embarrassed by sentimentality and perceived greed.

I've been to some lovely ones. One of my cousins had a baby when she was 16. She married the bloke (they are still married 21 years later, with 2 children) and they had precious little money (there's no big welfare state there). So her high school friends got together with her 4 aunties and kitted her out with all she'd need for her son. It was truly touching. She was so surprised.

A few have, like babycham or wine at them but a lot of people have to drive to don't drink at them and they are not generally boozy affairs. Some lovely non-alcoholic 'punches', though.

They're usually Sat. or Sun. afternoon for a couple of hours, at someone's house or a club house or sometimes a restaurant function room.

You don't get tax credits and child benefit or SureStart grants or milk tokens or things like that there so they are a way for friends to help out.

Grabby
Cringeworthy

Hate baby showers for 1st/2nd/5the pregnancy

My friend did me one for dc2. I got her to specify "no presents" so it would just be a get together. It was nice. Didn't have one for dd1 - wasn't such a thing even 7 years ago.

I think a pre baby get together is fine as you might for anti social for a bit after new baby.

'I think a pre baby get together is fine as you might for anti social for a bit after new baby.'

Then it's not a shower. It's just a party.

I live overseas and baby showers are the norm here.

VILE.

I usually make my excuses and don't attend.

YANBU.

My SIL and MIL shanghaied me into "letting" them throw me one.

They made me make a gift list - as I was 34 weeks pregnant at the time and thought I had gotten away with no having one and had already bought everything.
The list I gave was just, 'nappies, toiletries, muslin cloths' - no one bothered with and went with pricier and more "exciting" things and ignored my wishes and I was embarrassed.

I didn't feel that I could say, sorry, I already have one of those

I have also kept my entire pregnancy off FB, purely due to past miscarriages. I hated having the reminders on there and knowing friends from school etc had seen my life and these horrible things without comment. I knew this as a close friend said someone I hadn't spoken to since school had asked about it. SIL was frothing at the FB ban, as I suspect that was why she held it - for all the lovely photos of the cakes and balloons.