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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to manage long distance guests after birth

64 replies

nightandthelight · 27/11/2015 09:57

Have been thinking about guests after I give birth (hopefully in Feb) and just wanted to see whether IAMBU or not!

DH and I live nowhere near our family and friends (all the grandparents to be will have to travel for at least three hours to visit). My thoughts at the moment are as follows:

No guests for first three days to allow recovery time

No overnight guests for at least the first month as will not be up to hosting. Will suggest local Travelodge for people who are travelling a long way.

All visits must be arranged beforehand and be mutually convenient.

I don't think that this will be an issue for my family and friends who for one thing know me well and how introverted I am but also have quite a bit of disposable income so won't be bothered by the Travelodge.

However ILs are not as wealthy so I'm worried that it will cause stress for them.

AIBU to have these boundaries in place?

OP posts:

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 28/11/2015 17:48

You'll still need boundaries if they're in the travelodge. My ILs stayed in a local B&B. They skipped the breakfast at the b&b cos it wasn't early enough, turned up at our house at the absolute crack of dawn (before dh, the baby or I were actually up!) and stayed all day until late in the evening. And I stupidly felt I had to sit up with them 'cos they were day-guests - if they'd been staying with us MIL would have gone to sleep much earlier and I would have too. They did this four days in a row and would have done longer except I made dh tell them to leave! And they were mostly lovely, just batshit excited about their grandchild.

So you need to get your assertive head on. And be ready to sit on the sofa and announce you'd like a cup of tea, or that someone needs to think about cooking some dinner ...

mygrandchildrenrock · 28/11/2015 18:17

That's a kind gesture to pay for your ILs. Hope all goes well.

Original poster

nightandthelight · 28/11/2015 18:22

Thanks mygrand :) Promise I am not trying to keep family away from the new baby :)

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 28/11/2015 18:27

We stayed overnight both times though, a 4 hr drive is too far to do there and back in a day and we couldn't have afforded a hotel. When you're young maybe driving 8 hrs is okay but at our age we're too tired!

My in laws did just that.

Rinceoir · 28/11/2015 19:02

Do they need hosting? My family (and I include my in-laws in that!) have keys to let themselves in and out, and know when they are over that they should pitch in with chores/childcare.

Original poster

nightandthelight · 28/11/2015 19:09

I don't have an issue with that rince but we have two indoor cats and DH doesn't trust his family around them (they have no experience of cats and DH is convinced they would let them out). Have tried to calm him down about it in the past but to no avail. He also thinks that they will sit on them! He is utterly barmy about the cats :)

OP posts:

GinandJag · 28/11/2015 19:10

With DS1, parents arrived at the one week point (we paid for the flights) and they stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights. MIL came at about six weeks and stayed with us for a week or two (can't really remember).

DS2 was born at the beginning of December and parents visited for Christmas, again staying in a hotel.

DD1 - no visits

DD2 - MIL came at one week and stayed for 3 to help out with the other children.

DD3 - no visits.

fruitlovingmonkey · 28/11/2015 19:41

I'm watching this with interest. I live abroad and need to make a plan for visits prior to the birth. If I don't lay down some rules, my mum will probably just jump on a plane as soon as we tell her about the birth. I was thinking to say no visitors in the first 2 weeks (so 4 weeks after the due date if they want to book in advance) but it sounds like that might not be long enough for me to recover. My mum will be helpful but mil never helps, fusses a lot and needs constant entertainment. DH would be upset if we had different rules for them. I don't know if I can ask them to stay in a hotel but I will be asking for short visits only, they normally do 5-8 days and I think that's too much.

Original poster

nightandthelight · 28/11/2015 19:46

Must be very difficult when you are abroad fruit! Could they afford to stay in a hotel? If so I would go with that especially if MIL will need hosting :)

OP posts:

fruitlovingmonkey · 28/11/2015 19:56

Both sets of parents can afford a hotel but mine are always ridiculously generous so I would feel bad. ILS on the other hand are really tight and would refuse/ guilt trip us!

StellaAlpina · 28/11/2015 20:13

It's up to you and your DH, although bear in mind you might change your mind once the baby is born - and might be feeling better/worse than you're imagining. I think saying things like 'we'll sort everything out once baby's safely here' is a really good idea. How long is your DH/DP having off work...you might find you want the company.

Personally, I'm really hoping my mum will come and stay with us for a few weeks to help once DH finishes his paternity leave. That says she's my mum and I can wander round in my PJs and not do any 'hosting'.

Wharm14 · 29/11/2015 13:46

I have read all of this with interest. We have a similar situation, I am due early March next year and my MIL lives a four hour drive away. She won't drive up as its too far for her so will have to get two trains, travel across london and stay overnight, possibly for a few days I suspect. This is always a massive stress and takes a lot of organising even when I'm not pregnant or just given birth. I am so worried that she will insist on coming up asap after the birth and that will stress me out and DH will have to make all the travel plans for her, run her around, pick her up from the station and ferry her around once she's here and feed her and although we've mentioned that she'd have to stay in the local Premier Inn as we have no room for her to stay, I think she is another one who will turn up at the house at the crack of dawn and not leave us until late in the evening, to maximise her time with us.
I'm liking the idea that we tell people that we aren't making any plans for visitors until after baby is here and we see how I feel. As she has already spoken to DH about booking a hotel, this may upset her but I think this will be the least stressful outcome for me. I think I'd rather visit her to be honest a few weeks after baby is born if I'm up to it, it will be less stress all round. I may suggest that to DH as an alternative, then we can see the rest of his family too (if they want to meet new nephew, they don't seem that fussed so far), who also live where MIL lives. I hasten to add, none of my DH's brother's would ever think to offer to drive MIL up here for the day which would solve all our problems!
I hope OP that you find a solution that works for you and causes you the least amount of stress, allowing you to bond with your new baby xx

spillyobeans · 29/11/2015 13:49

Yanbu at all, the same day i came home from hospital my mil told everyone (without my knowledge) that it was fine to come over, and they stayed for hours. It was fucking awfull. If i was to have another child i would be telling people to leave us alone for atleast the first month!

megletthesecond · 29/11/2015 14:57

spill same here. Inundated after an EMCS with dc1. Insisted on being left alone after dc2 , I can wholeheartedly recommend it.

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