How to manage long distance guests after birth

[nightandthelight]

Have been thinking about guests after I give birth (hopefully in Feb) and just wanted to see whether IAMBU or not!

DH and I live nowhere near our family and friends (all the grandparents to be will have to travel for at least three hours to visit). My thoughts at the moment are as follows:

No guests for first three days to allow recovery time

No overnight guests for at least the first month as will not be up to hosting. Will suggest local Travelodge for people who are travelling a long way.

All visits must be arranged beforehand and be mutually convenient.

I don't think that this will be an issue for my family and friends who for one thing know me well and how introverted I am but also have quite a bit of disposable income so won't be bothered by the Travelodge.

However ILs are not as wealthy so I'm worried that it will cause stress for them.

AIBU to have these boundaries in place?

[megletthesecond]

spill same here. Inundated after an EMCS with dc1. Insisted on being left alone after dc2 , I can wholeheartedly recommend it.

[spillyobeans]

Yanbu at all, the same day i came home from hospital my mil told everyone (without my knowledge) that it was fine to come over, and they stayed for hours. It was fucking awfull. If i was to have another child i would be telling people to leave us alone for atleast the first month!

[Wharm14]

I have read all of this with interest. We have a similar situation, I am due early March next year and my MIL lives a four hour drive away. She won't drive up as its too far for her so will have to get two trains, travel across london and stay overnight, possibly for a few days I suspect. This is always a massive stress and takes a lot of organising even when I'm not pregnant or just given birth. I am so worried that she will insist on coming up asap after the birth and that will stress me out and DH will have to make all the travel plans for her, run her around, pick her up from the station and ferry her around once she's here and feed her and although we've mentioned that she'd have to stay in the local Premier Inn as we have no room for her to stay, I think she is another one who will turn up at the house at the crack of dawn and not leave us until late in the evening, to maximise her time with us.
I'm liking the idea that we tell people that we aren't making any plans for visitors until after baby is here and we see how I feel. As she has already spoken to DH about booking a hotel, this may upset her but I think this will be the least stressful outcome for me. I think I'd rather visit her to be honest a few weeks after baby is born if I'm up to it, it will be less stress all round. I may suggest that to DH as an alternative, then we can see the rest of his family too (if they want to meet new nephew, they don't seem that fussed so far), who also live where MIL lives. I hasten to add, none of my DH's brother's would ever think to offer to drive MIL up here for the day which would solve all our problems!
I hope OP that you find a solution that works for you and causes you the least amount of stress, allowing you to bond with your new baby xx

[StellaAlpina]

It's up to you and your DH, although bear in mind you might change your mind once the baby is born - and might be feeling better/worse than you're imagining. I think saying things like 'we'll sort everything out once baby's safely here' is a really good idea. How long is your DH/DP having off work...you might find you want the company.

Personally, I'm really hoping my mum will come and stay with us for a few weeks to help once DH finishes his paternity leave. That says she's my mum and I can wander round in my PJs and not do any 'hosting'.

[fruitlovingmonkey]

Both sets of parents can afford a hotel but mine are always ridiculously generous so I would feel bad. ILS on the other hand are really tight and would refuse/ guilt trip us!

[nightandthelight]

Must be very difficult when you are abroad fruit! Could they afford to stay in a hotel? If so I would go with that especially if MIL will need hosting :)

[fruitlovingmonkey]

I'm watching this with interest. I live abroad and need to make a plan for visits prior to the birth. If I don't lay down some rules, my mum will probably just jump on a plane as soon as we tell her about the birth. I was thinking to say no visitors in the first 2 weeks (so 4 weeks after the due date if they want to book in advance) but it sounds like that might not be long enough for me to recover. My mum will be helpful but mil never helps, fusses a lot and needs constant entertainment. DH would be upset if we had different rules for them. I don't know if I can ask them to stay in a hotel but I will be asking for short visits only, they normally do 5-8 days and I think that's too much.

[GinandJag]

With DS1, parents arrived at the one week point (we paid for the flights) and they stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights. MIL came at about six weeks and stayed with us for a week or two (can't really remember).

DS2 was born at the beginning of December and parents visited for Christmas, again staying in a hotel.

DD1 - no visits

DD2 - MIL came at one week and stayed for 3 to help out with the other children.

DD3 - no visits.

[nightandthelight]

I don't have an issue with that rince but we have two indoor cats and DH doesn't trust his family around them (they have no experience of cats and DH is convinced they would let them out). Have tried to calm him down about it in the past but to no avail. He also thinks that they will sit on them! He is utterly barmy about the cats :)

[Rinceoir]

Do they need hosting? My family (and I include my in-laws in that!) have keys to let themselves in and out, and know when they are over that they should pitch in with chores/childcare.

[DisappointedOne]

We stayed overnight both times though, a 4 hr drive is too far to do there and back in a day and we couldn't have afforded a hotel. When you're young maybe driving 8 hrs is okay but at our age we're too tired!

My in laws did just that.

[nightandthelight]

Thanks mygrand :) Promise I am not trying to keep family away from the new baby :)

[mygrandchildrenrock]

That's a kind gesture to pay for your ILs. Hope all goes well.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

You'll still need boundaries if they're in the travelodge. My ILs stayed in a local B&B. They skipped the breakfast at the b&b cos it wasn't early enough, turned up at our house at the absolute crack of dawn (before dh, the baby or I were actually up!) and stayed all day until late in the evening. And I stupidly felt I had to sit up with them 'cos they were day-guests - if they'd been staying with us MIL would have gone to sleep much earlier and I would have too. They did this four days in a row and would have done longer except I made dh tell them to leave! And they were mostly lovely, just batshit excited about their grandchild.

So you need to get your assertive head on. And be ready to sit on the sofa and announce you'd like a cup of tea, or that someone needs to think about cooking some dinner ...

[nightandthelight]

I definitely wouldnt expect people to do as a day trip! My family can easily afford the local Travelodge and we will probably pay for ILs to stay there too. If I am still in hospital they would have to do that anyway as we wouldn't be home to host them :)

[mygrandchildrenrock]

We stayed overnight both times though, a 4 hr drive is too far to do there and back in a day and we couldn't have afforded a hotel. When you're young maybe driving 8 hrs is okay but at our age we're too tired!

[nightandthelight]

mygrand we wouldn't be stopping people from visiting! Just not staying overnight to begin with :)

[mygrandchildrenrock]

We live about 4 hrs drive away from my dil, she has 2 young children and thank goodness asked us to come up within days of their birth. One was only 2 days old. I either take a meal up with us, or buy a take away, and happily make drinks, hold baby, play with toddler or whatever, but we would have been upset not to be 'allowed' to visit for a month or more!

[Iwanttobeadog]

Inthinkyiu need to wait and see how you feel. For what it's worth I was far more up for it and sociable in the days immediately following the births, before long term sleep deprivation and took its toll and the high hadn't quite worn off. I definitely found weeks 4ish to 10ish the hardest

[nightandthelight]

Lots of food for thought here :) I think prior to the birth we will just need to be explaining that visits will be organised once baby is safely here and we know what the situation is. Hopefully that will prevent people immediately jumping in their cars!

[Rinceoir]

Both our families live overseas. My sister came while I was still in hospital (there 9 days). My parents arrived just as I was discharged and husband went back to work, stayed a week. My inlaws came just after they left. They cleaned, cooked, washed clothes and took the baby out for walks so she would nap and I could. All were useful!

[GabiSolis]

OP, I think you need to prepare yourself mainly for the fact that things will not go according to plan because you simply can't plan for every eventuality. You don't know how you will feel, or even the practicalities of where you will be and when. The best thing you can do is to tell everyone prior to the birth that you don't know when you will be up for visitors but that you will let them know as soon as you are settled. There is no need to be rude (not actually suggesting you were planning to be btw) and treat people like you are doing them a favour by letting them see you, but you can set appropriate and fair boundaries.

Being rigid and dictatorial over this helps nobody, least of all yourself, so be wary of being too bullish. My cousin was like this, unfortunately I speak from experience. She later wondered why no one went near her (er....because you were a knob?!)! Unless you have good reason to believe people are going to behave like arseholes, don't take that as a default assumption.

[Firsttimemom2013]

We just had my mum snd mil for the first couplew days they came helped cleaned cooked then had first visitors from when our daughter was five days old, thats when my nan came and bought her friend with her and my friend came too, stayed longer than i would have liked i daid to them im needeing a sleep now and they got the message, though think my mum had a word with my nan for staying too long lol xx all visitors we had were fine came and helped made tea etc etc

[Mrsleighdelamare]

5oclock we did the same for DD, a week after she arrived, I have to say it had mixed success, probably too many people in what was a fairly small flat, and even my mum was quite happy for DH to dance attendance with cups of tea while I sloped off to the bedroom to read magazines have a nap. I was miserable and grumpy, constipated and knackered, it wasn't a very good day all in. However, when I organised this a day or so after DD's birth it seemed like a grand plan!

OP, as others have said, you won't know how you feel, but having a Plan A and B is a good idea. Better to prepare people now so that you're making decisions when you're not totally zonked post birth. And it's one less thing to worry about.

I would also agree that paying for ILs to stay in a Travelodge may well be the best £50 you spend.

[Sonotkylie]

I too like a bit of control... Can I just suggest that now is not the time to introduce more flexibility into your life! If you will be happier with rules in place, then make them.
I said to my mother (prize cow and determined sofa sitter) that DH would let her know after the birth when she could visit and if I was in hospital she was to take the view that I was ill and needed to be there and not be visited. She argued with me for the rest of my pregnancy BUT when DS was born she stayed away until asked. We also were able spontaneously to invite DBIL and DSIL to visit in hospital and they were wonderful.
In summary, it depends on the people, but its fine to say you want a bit of space to start with. You don't know what's going to happen or how you will feel. They need to respect that. But be fair and ask them over when you can bear it, but try to be clear what you are asking them for eg coffee or tea NOT full meals and week long stays. Yes some people will say you are being controlling, but we all have to create a situation that is good for us and the baby, even if it seems mad to others.
Good luck with the whole thing. Enjoy it.