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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to manage long distance guests after birth

64 replies

nightandthelight · 27/11/2015 09:57

Have been thinking about guests after I give birth (hopefully in Feb) and just wanted to see whether IAMBU or not!

DH and I live nowhere near our family and friends (all the grandparents to be will have to travel for at least three hours to visit). My thoughts at the moment are as follows:

No guests for first three days to allow recovery time

No overnight guests for at least the first month as will not be up to hosting. Will suggest local Travelodge for people who are travelling a long way.

All visits must be arranged beforehand and be mutually convenient.

I don't think that this will be an issue for my family and friends who for one thing know me well and how introverted I am but also have quite a bit of disposable income so won't be bothered by the Travelodge.

However ILs are not as wealthy so I'm worried that it will cause stress for them.

AIBU to have these boundaries in place?

OP posts:

mintoil · 27/11/2015 11:03

I knew it!!! I must admit I am a "list" person so I recognise a fellow organiser when I see one!

Actually, having boundaries and control is what is needed in this situation.

Hopefully everyone will be kind and allow you to sit down in your own home. Make sure DH is on board and that he will leap to your defence if you feel overwhelmed. Your body will be flooded with hormones too, so if you do end up shouting you can just blame it on that

Lozza1990 · 27/11/2015 11:10

My ILs tried to barge in while I was still giving birth!

It's definitely one of those things where you have to see how you feel at the time. I would send out a text or call once he/she is here stating that you will let them know when you feel up for visitors.

Original poster

nightandthelight · 27/11/2015 11:10

Love a list (preferably on nice stationary)!

I am aware that I am an uber organised person hence coming on here to see whether that part of me had gone berserk and out of control or whether the boundaries were reasonable.

I get the impression that boundaries are a good thing but prepare to be flexible :)

I am very excited about the baby meeting all his family! DH is completely on board and stands up for me so that's good, he understands my craziness :)

What an awful experience you had disappointed!

OP posts:

bramble16 · 27/11/2015 11:11

I had the same problem. My family live overseas and ILs 3 hours away. I was clear before that everyone had to stay in a local hotel, give us the first week together as a family and they all understood. Unfortunately the ILs got overexcited and asked if they could visit on day 3, having only just got out of hospital. I was still in that euphoric stage and said sure, no problem. They did stay in the hotel but every single minute in the day was at our house for 3 days. I was trying to get BF going but had real problems not helped by having to go upstairs every time I wanted to feed. I would never say anything to them but I really believe it was the reason we never got BF sorted and had to give up after 3 weeks. In hindsight I would have stuck to my guns and said no visits for a while. My bil (2hours away) however was amazing, he came for the day, made us lunch had a nice chat and walk, made dinner for us but left before dinner so we could eat a nice meal on our own.

Original poster

nightandthelight · 27/11/2015 11:12

Oh dear lozza! We arent going to tell people I am in labour so that we can avoid that. People will be told once baby is actually here :)

OP posts:

mintoil · 27/11/2015 11:20

lozza my MIL actually managed to bully her way onto the maternity unit and into the delivery room whilst I was in labour!!!

randomsabreuse · 27/11/2015 12:39

I just got on with feeding regardless - don't like my boobs = bog off!

Lost a lot of inhibitions during the birth

SiegeofEnnis · 27/11/2015 13:11

All our families are overseas, so we asked them not to come for three weeks after the birth, which I think was about right, maybe a bit soon, actually (CS, BF problems, was complicated and miserable). Not that they wouldn't intend to be helpful, but they're elderly and not used to children. And they stayed in a hotel - though as much for lack of room (tiny London flat) as other reasons.

DisappointedOne · 27/11/2015 18:49

I just got on with feeding regardless - don't like my boobs = bog off!

I had KK tits and exclusively expressed with a double pump.

Loungeroomlizard · 27/11/2015 19:39

Definitely depends on how helpful they are. After 2 weeks in hospital with my first I was desperate for peace and quiet so banned overnight visitors for 10 days or so. Then had them 1 night only. Now Im expecting my third Id have my mum stay because she helps but not ILs because they're as much use as a chocolate teapot. It helps that I know that now, with my first I hadn't realised how useful/I useful they'd be.

Loungeroomlizard · 27/11/2015 19:41

Useful/unuseful, that should read

Fratelli · 27/11/2015 21:19

You're best off playing it by ear tbh. You don't know how you'll feel.

HesterBlue · 28/11/2015 08:30

My IL's also live a very long way away and were desperate to meet my first. They kindly did a very long day trip by train to see DS for a few hours when he was a few days old. (Tho even producing one meal for them seemed like a mission at that stage - I was still in pjs for the day and unable to sit down with stitches!)

Unfortunately, it seemed that I was expected to snap back to wellness within 3-4 weeks as DH then invited his parents and brother to stay with us for Christmas when DS was 5 weeks old. Cue me spending most of my time alone in an upstairs bedroom trying to BF as I didn't want to do it in front of the ILs and BiL. Feeding wasn't going well, DS drew blood on Christmas Day and I was weeping upstairs on my own while everyone else had a jolly Christmas dinner downstairs (DH cooked) without me! Nice. I fully echo the play it by ear advice - even one month without overnight guests may not be long enough!!

5oclocksomewhere · 28/11/2015 08:47

We've done this twice and its worked really well. The weekend that is at least 1 week after you get home hold an open house for the day. All you need in is a couple of cakes, simple sandwich ingredients, biscuits, milk, tea and coffee. It sets boundaries, gets all the visiting over and done with, involves minimal effort

Sonotkylie · 28/11/2015 13:51

I too like a bit of control... Can I just suggest that now is not the time to introduce more flexibility into your life! If you will be happier with rules in place, then make them.

I said to my mother (prize cow and determined sofa sitter) that DH would let her know after the birth when she could visit and if I was in hospital she was to take the view that I was ill and needed to be there and not be visited. She argued with me for the rest of my pregnancy BUT when DS was born she stayed away until asked. We also were able spontaneously to invite DBIL and DSIL to visit in hospital and they were wonderful.

In summary, it depends on the people, but its fine to say you want a bit of space to start with. You don't know what's going to happen or how you will feel. They need to respect that. But be fair and ask them over when you can bear it, but try to be clear what you are asking them for eg coffee or tea NOT full meals and week long stays. Yes some people will say you are being controlling, but we all have to create a situation that is good for us and the baby, even if it seems mad to others.
Good luck with the whole thing. Enjoy it.

Mrsleighdelamare · 28/11/2015 13:55

5oclock we did the same for DD, a week after she arrived, I have to say it had mixed success, probably too many people in what was a fairly small flat, and even my mum was quite happy for DH to dance attendance with cups of tea while I sloped off to the bedroom to read magazines have a nap. I was miserable and grumpy, constipated and knackered, it wasn't a very good day all in. However, when I organised this a day or so after DD's birth it seemed like a grand plan!

OP, as others have said, you won't know how you feel, but having a Plan A and B is a good idea. Better to prepare people now so that you're making decisions when you're not totally zonked post birth. And it's one less thing to worry about.

I would also agree that paying for ILs to stay in a Travelodge may well be the best £50 you spend.

Firsttimemom2013 · 28/11/2015 14:25

We just had my mum snd mil for the first couplew days they came helped cleaned cooked then had first visitors from when our daughter was five days old, thats when my nan came and bought her friend with her and my friend came too, stayed longer than i would have liked i daid to them im needeing a sleep now and they got the message, though think my mum had a word with my nan for staying too long lol xx all visitors we had were fine came and helped made tea etc etc

GabiSolis · 28/11/2015 14:59

OP, I think you need to prepare yourself mainly for the fact that things will not go according to plan because you simply can't plan for every eventuality. You don't know how you will feel, or even the practicalities of where you will be and when. The best thing you can do is to tell everyone prior to the birth that you don't know when you will be up for visitors but that you will let them know as soon as you are settled. There is no need to be rude (not actually suggesting you were planning to be btw) and treat people like you are doing them a favour by letting them see you, but you can set appropriate and fair boundaries.

Being rigid and dictatorial over this helps nobody, least of all yourself, so be wary of being too bullish. My cousin was like this, unfortunately I speak from experience. She later wondered why no one went near her (er....because you were a knob?!)! Unless you have good reason to believe people are going to behave like arseholes, don't take that as a default assumption.

Rinceoir · 28/11/2015 15:05

Both our families live overseas. My sister came while I was still in hospital (there 9 days). My parents arrived just as I was discharged and husband went back to work, stayed a week. My inlaws came just after they left. They cleaned, cooked, washed clothes and took the baby out for walks so she would nap and I could. All were useful!

Original poster

nightandthelight · 28/11/2015 17:00

Lots of food for thought here :) I think prior to the birth we will just need to be explaining that visits will be organised once baby is safely here and we know what the situation is. Hopefully that will prevent people immediately jumping in their cars!

OP posts:

Iwanttobeadog · 28/11/2015 17:08

Inthinkyiu need to wait and see how you feel. For what it's worth I was far more up for it and sociable in the days immediately following the births, before long term sleep deprivation and took its toll and the high hadn't quite worn off. I definitely found weeks 4ish to 10ish the hardest

mygrandchildrenrock · 28/11/2015 17:24

We live about 4 hrs drive away from my dil, she has 2 young children and thank goodness asked us to come up within days of their birth. One was only 2 days old. I either take a meal up with us, or buy a take away, and happily make drinks, hold baby, play with toddler or whatever, but we would have been upset not to be 'allowed' to visit for a month or more!

Original poster

nightandthelight · 28/11/2015 17:26

mygrand we wouldn't be stopping people from visiting! Just not staying overnight to begin with :)

OP posts:

mygrandchildrenrock · 28/11/2015 17:31

We stayed overnight both times though, a 4 hr drive is too far to do there and back in a day and we couldn't have afforded a hotel. When you're young maybe driving 8 hrs is okay but at our age we're too tired!

Original poster

nightandthelight · 28/11/2015 17:36

I definitely wouldnt expect people to do as a day trip! My family can easily afford the local Travelodge and we will probably pay for ILs to stay there too. If I am still in hospital they would have to do that anyway as we wouldn't be home to host them :)

OP posts:

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