to be upset my DP hasn't got my DD anything for her birthday?

[Sheusedtobesomeonelse]

Never braved AIBU before.. but am quite het up about this so i’d appreciate an outsiders view.

I have been with my DP for a little over a year, he knows my 2 DDs quite well and also knows that birthdays in my house are a big deal, as is Christmas and easter.
DD1 is always on about her birthday as she always thinks she’s hard done by having to wait all year (we all have summer birthdays, apart from her)and then it being close to Christmas! I can understand her reasoning, even though I don’t agree with her being hard done by!

On Monday she will be 9 – when my DDs are with their dad for occasions like this (50/50 parenting) we celebrate the Thursday before. So today was the day that she was having her birthday with me.

My DP has no money left – he had an unexpected tax bill in October which left him short – and so hasn’t got anything DD1 for her birthday (his credit card didn’t go through on Sunday trying to put petrol in his car). He is not generally tight with money but not overly generous as he can’t really afford to be.

I am actually very upset for her and know that when she has her tea party tonight with my mum she will be “expecting” a little something from him (he got DD2 rollerblades when it was her bday in July), she might ask me but probably will not say anything directly to him, which will save him the discomfort of having to reply. She is quite shy and hates confrontation and has been brought up with manners (I hope!) so she knows asking for presents is a no-no. But i know she will be thinging about it. This morning he said he felt bad and would get her something “later”. AIBU thinking when your 9, 3 weeks later isn’t quite the same. (double standards I know as she has 2 birthdays as it is). In the coming weeks she is away on a trip and then with her father, which means it wont be possible to re-do a bithday bash before then.

I start getting birthday/Christmas things in the summer and do it all through the year to avoid having to pay for it all in one go as I can’t afford much anyway (even though this year she is being spoilt enough by me as she got a kindle, a lego set and some CDs). He has no children so I can understand that forward planning regarding birthdays and things is a little abstract to him. But still. I’m so upset for her. I'm thinking what message does it send out to my DDs, caring for them etc. AIBU? A nice card would be something as DD keeps them all and often brings them out and looks at them in the year (.. helps with the waiting!!).

For the record, he earns a little more than I do and we don’t live together so still have separate mortgages and stuff.

I left my exH for many reasons. His lack of implication in the family/planning/issues with money were amongst them.

I'm not avoiding the suggestion of loaning a gift, yes i will dip into the Christmas bag and there are things that she can have. But the suggestion of a day out will probably be more appropriate as it's something he can choose to do with her.

"He didn't choose to it"

No. but it wouldn't have taken much to ask OP to sort something out for him as he'd bought the other daughter a bday present so obviously wanted to give for this daughter's bday as well.

My dds Birthday is just after Christmas we sometimes take her out to something as a present rather than a thing so maybe he could IOU her a cinema trip

I agree it's important for your DD's to feel as though your DP has treated them equally on their birthdays.

However, it's really not important when that gift is purchased (two months before or at the last minute) and I think you're doing totally the right thing by DP giving one of the gifts you've bought for Christmas to DD at tea time today.

Hopefully he can then replace that gift some time between now & Christmas.

Of course he must prioritise his tax bill - and if he hasn't even got enough left on his credit card to put petrol in his car, it's not as though he's being mean to your DD2. He just simply doesn't have any money at the moment. As a partnership, you can solve this small problem jointly - as you've said you are doing now - so there really is nothing to get upset about.

Actually, thinking about your dd and the fact your DP is a stepdad in effect (even if you don't see it that way, this is someoone she sees regularly and you are all close enough for him to be there for her b'day AND to be expected to give a present to them) , this is something I would thread VERY carefully.
Your DP has given your dd2 something for her b'day. He won't for your dd1. I suspect it can easily feed feelings of jealousy (I don't expect a 9yo to understand the 'I don't have any money left' and tbh they shouldn't be involved in that sort of issues anyway). If he, on the top of it, is planning not tell her in advance, I suspect she will be very disappointed and feeling let down.

I do agree with the idea of a day out or whatever. I ahve in the ppast done some 'vouchers' for the dcs, so no cost at the time, for things I knew they would enjoy, eg a day out for a certain activity, a night staying up later than usual, chosing a film to watch as a family, cinema, you name it. There is plenty you can do.
And YY to a card too if sher is that keen on them.

MousseAndSquirrel

Thank you, yes that is exactly what i meant and the learning curve is valid for both os us, he really wants to be part of my DDs lives and they enjoy his company but not having any kids of his own hehas a steep Learning curve in front of him, as do I!

I also try and give little gifts to my close friends children because i want to and they are so not grabby.. but children do see the différences.

No. but it wouldn't have taken much to ask OP to sort something out for him as he'd bought the other daughter a bday present so obviously wanted to give for this daughter's bday as well.

Really? 'Hi sweetie I have no money for a present for your dd tax bill etc, I assume your dd or you won't understand that so can I use one of yours?'

I can imagine the response if the op had posted that what her dp said.

Neither did she think about giving one of her presents? So they are both wrong?

Since he doesn't have kids of his own I can forgive him not understanding that children may still have an emotional response (ie being left out) even when logically there is a reason.

It's a shit situation all round.

Could you wrap one of the 'Christmas' presents you've already bought (the CDs?) and send it from him?
He can replace the prezzy for her at Christmas.
hth

oops.
Sorry - just seen this has already been suggested.

OP YANBU. I have 3 lovely DSD and 2 DD and the most important thing is parity of treatment, so everyone is included and everyone is equally valued. The July rollerblades set a standard, and his lack of planning, albeit that the bill was unexpected, is going to highlight differences being made, and such occurrences hurt people's feelings. You're not being unreasonable to feel "upset" (I think you feel more let down to be fair) that this situation has arisen, but it's going to be more productive to help him to resolve it, so all is seen equal in the eyes of your DD. I agree, I'd provide him something out my Christmas stash to tide him over until he can pay you back. Hope your DD has a lovely birthday.

Sorry if the 'grabby' comment was out of line. Most children are mostly pretty grabby by their very nature though... because they're children! But 9 isn't too young to learn the value of being a little gracious.

If her birthday tea isn't until tonight, you don't know that he won't bring a card! Or a present for that matter! He might surprise you.

Can't you just put from the both of you on either all or one of the presents? I think your dcs get enough presents from you and their ddad. I think it may not be your oh's place to be buying for them anyway tbh.

Yes it would be fair for your oh to get dd a gift as he got one for the other. But, it isn't his fault he got an unexpected bill and your kids aren't his priority. It's really not worth you getting this stressed over. It sounds like your dd will be having 2 lovely birthdays anyway!

I did word it badly.

I was thinking that all he had to do was ask OP if she could help in some way.

He has probably had a lot on his mind though!

Has everyone missed where he said he would get DD a present "later"??

A 9 year old is perfectly able to understand the concept of having to wait for a present for whatever reason. In fact, I have a 9 year old and she would actually say she didn't want a present at all if money is tight.

Not RTFT but my dh (birth father to my kids) never gets them anything. Kids know the present is from 'us' but I chose it .

I think the issue here is that your Dp got Dd2 something (was this because you went on about it?) so it won't be fair if Dd1 gets nothing.

If I were you, I would say one of your presents is from him. It sounds like you go quite overboard with gifts, so just get him to write tag and it put on one of yours so dd1 doesn't feel hard done by.

"Has everyone missed where he said he would get DD a present "later"??"

No, it's just sad for this daughter that he managed to get her sister something to give her on the day, but not her.

Of course if he tells her there's a day out being organised, that couldn't have happened today anyway, so thre's no reason to give hersomething today as well.

Devil's advocate here. If you have already given your gifts, perhaps he could arrange a trip to the cinema or similar in a few weeks (once he's been paid) and tell her about the trip today?

However, I am surprised that knowing his financial predicament, you didn't offer for him to give a CD or two from the haul you bought her if you felt this was so important.

Has everyone missed where he said he would get DD a present "later"??

The OP said it wouldn't be possible to re-do a birthday bash then.

why a child cannot receive a gift at a later date without having a 'birthday bash' I don't know.

Wouldn't you just get a present and put both your names on it? I don't understand tbh.
It really isn't a big deal.

However, I am surprised that knowing his financial predicament, you didn't offer for him to give a CD or two from the haul you bought her if you felt this was so important.

I know! Also what is wrong with getting a gift 'later' without a 'birthday bash'. Op seems very high maintenance and a bit stressy about birthdays.

If you were kind and thoughtful towards him OP you could have got a little something and told DP you couldn't help yourself buying it but would he like to give it to DD because you have already got gifts from you.

You have had a lot of good advice here.

You have admitted you are being unreasonable but expect loads more people to come on telling you YABU without reading your updates

I hope DD has a lovely birthday.

Your expectations are too high

OP expecting your boyfriend to yet your DD a gift is not "entitled" or "grabby" I dispair at the tragically low standards some people have...

U2, you are right but i dont mind!
I have calmed down and will think this through and never post on AIBU in the heat of the moment again

OP
I think you sound as if you've got things about right. I agree with U2 (among others). And sadly it's true that posting on AIBU in the heat of the moment can be

Can't see anything in your posts which suggests that anyone is grabby, entitled or out of line.

Hope DD1 is having a great birthday - and that you're all enjoying yourselves helping her to have fun.

It's not a big deal, really. Saying your gift is from both of you is a good idea.

good manners doesn't just mean not asking for a present, it means not expecting one..