to be upset my DP hasn't got my DD anything for her birthday?

[Sheusedtobesomeonelse]

Never braved AIBU before.. but am quite het up about this so i’d appreciate an outsiders view.

I have been with my DP for a little over a year, he knows my 2 DDs quite well and also knows that birthdays in my house are a big deal, as is Christmas and easter.
DD1 is always on about her birthday as she always thinks she’s hard done by having to wait all year (we all have summer birthdays, apart from her)and then it being close to Christmas! I can understand her reasoning, even though I don’t agree with her being hard done by!

On Monday she will be 9 – when my DDs are with their dad for occasions like this (50/50 parenting) we celebrate the Thursday before. So today was the day that she was having her birthday with me.

My DP has no money left – he had an unexpected tax bill in October which left him short – and so hasn’t got anything DD1 for her birthday (his credit card didn’t go through on Sunday trying to put petrol in his car). He is not generally tight with money but not overly generous as he can’t really afford to be.

I am actually very upset for her and know that when she has her tea party tonight with my mum she will be “expecting” a little something from him (he got DD2 rollerblades when it was her bday in July), she might ask me but probably will not say anything directly to him, which will save him the discomfort of having to reply. She is quite shy and hates confrontation and has been brought up with manners (I hope!) so she knows asking for presents is a no-no. But i know she will be thinging about it. This morning he said he felt bad and would get her something “later”. AIBU thinking when your 9, 3 weeks later isn’t quite the same. (double standards I know as she has 2 birthdays as it is). In the coming weeks she is away on a trip and then with her father, which means it wont be possible to re-do a bithday bash before then.

I start getting birthday/Christmas things in the summer and do it all through the year to avoid having to pay for it all in one go as I can’t afford much anyway (even though this year she is being spoilt enough by me as she got a kindle, a lego set and some CDs). He has no children so I can understand that forward planning regarding birthdays and things is a little abstract to him. But still. I’m so upset for her. I'm thinking what message does it send out to my DDs, caring for them etc. AIBU? A nice card would be something as DD keeps them all and often brings them out and looks at them in the year (.. helps with the waiting!!).

For the record, he earns a little more than I do and we don’t live together so still have separate mortgages and stuff.

I left my exH for many reasons. His lack of implication in the family/planning/issues with money were amongst them.

You would hate me then as I have not bought a single Christmas present yet! Mind you my 2 children don't know what they want so at this rate they will get nothing

It is YOU feeling wobbly about this, not your DD.

You can get around her not being treated as same as sister,
your partner being broke,
and you being broke in one easy step.

Re-label one of the small gifts you've already got for your DD and put his name on.

You've time, as she's not had her Birthday tea with you yet.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Forward thinking? You are sounding like hard work. Tax bill needed to be sorted, goodness she will get a gift from her father and you. Poor guy.

Give her one of the presents you'd bought for her from him and let him pay you back?

I don't think yab that u to be a bit upset as he set the bar so high for your other dd - it will look unfair from their point of view! But the money situation doesn't allow for the ideal solution, and so you two as a team need to work together to find something that works!

Fwiw, i think separate presents are important. My mum's partner always buys me something from just him - he feels quite strongly that my relationship with him is not a parent/child one (he is after all not my father!) and so hijacking a parent/child present is not on! It only has to be a token thing but i really appreciate the distinction and sensitivity it shows.

I think that he could probably do something with her that doesn't cost much money though - why don't you suggest to him something like a 'coupon' for a McDonald's and the cinema. He can explain to her that he has very little money and ask her to wait until payday until he can take her out for a special day - she will probably appreciate the attention, I loved stuff like that as a kid and they remember it more than plastic anyway.

I don't think Yambu but I don't think he is either - it's just one of those things.

YABVU.
you've only been with him a year!
that's nothing. hardly a long term relationship.
he has no obligation to your kids so early in your relationship.
(if i was him, i'd run for the hills)

Yes, i'm adressing that with myself this morning!

My boyfriend is totally not in the step father category though, that is why he wanted to do seperate things for my DD1 bday in july. We spend some weekends together all 4 of us and things are going quite well but i'm not looking for a step father and they dont need one! We got together last september /october and he started meeting my DDs around april time. Marriage isnt on the cards! living together might be, one day..

My strop & drama is all my own doing, i must work on that. But i have nowhere written anything was expected and this has been kept from DD too. I might be "grabby" but i'm not a fool.

What if he tells her her present is an outing? Zoo or something on a date when he'll have the money?

If he hadn't bought your other DD a rather generous gift then I'd say yabu BUT one of my personal rules about kids is that they should be treated equally when it comes to gifts / money / treats....

The idea of a day out or a visit to zoo or something is a great one and i know she would love it. I'll see what he thinks about it, i think its a nicer thing to "do" something together as well, as its not about the present. Though I dont get the impression that people have understood that, I would have loved that at that age and she would too!

Yeah forward thinking, god, i'm such hard work

He doesn't live with you and he's not their dad, he's your boyfriend. He's pretty much nothing to your kids yet, not in any 'family' sense. If it bothers you that he got your other dd something, wrap up one of your forward planned Christmas gifts. And then get over yourself.

OP, well done for accepting the thought that you might be overthinking. And also for taking on board suggestions about DP using one of the Christmas gifts, or perhaps taking DD on an outing.

I quite see that you just want things between your DDs to be fair!

Hope you all enjoy DD's birthday tea tonight.

Yeah forward thinking, god, i'm such hard work hmm

Yes you are, given you don't want him in a stepfather role, not even living together and marriage not being on the cards but you expect him to behave like a parent.

I think your relationship with bf sounds abit cheerless actually , he sounds like he's having financial struggles and not really fully into your life . A woman with young children is all about young children and he should be there with you on that if it's a serious relationship . If he's just a shag partner then that's not really good for him getting involved with your kids and all this emotional presents and family stuff with it.

It was more of the principle of thinking of my DDs birthday, tax bill or no tax bill. Lordy!

A tax bill isn't something you can choose to ignore for a few weeks.

If it's about fairness, then do you think he wouldn't have bought her something even if he had the money?

If the OP has done anything wrong here - which I doubt - it's in not letting DP know that giving roller-skates to one DD would set a kind of precedent. But, for all we know, DP wanted to give a gift, and foresaw being able to buy something for other DD's birthday - and may well have done, if not for the tax bill. He may want to have this level of involvement in the family - there's no indication that he's being shoehorned into a step-parent role.

I also don't think DD (or OP) is being "grabby" here - surely at that age, if your brother/sister gets a gift from someone you know equally, you might anticipate receiving one too. DD may not say anything if she doesn't receive a gift because (as OP says) her daughter is polite enough not to, but you'd likely feel hurt or confused if the same happened to you. If that had been me aged 9, I would have thought he doesn't like me, I've done something wrong or he forgot about me.

I think one of the CDs being given "from" your DP is enough, OP, with a card from him.

Can't he "give" her the lego set, or the cds & pay you back/buy something when he is more flush?

It isn't really that hard to sort something.

YANBU. I don't think he understands relating to children. Giving to one and not the other is a huge mistake. All or none!

This seems unfair on him, if he hasn't got money to meet his immediate essential expenses then he hasn't got the extra money for a gift for your DD, whichever way you spin this, he just doesn't have the money.
There's no point in being angry at him,
Either add his name to one of the CDs you got,
Or maybe theres something that is coming out in the future that she already wants, or an experience that she wants to do,
He can write her a card and put in it, tickets to such and such aren't available, but accept this as an IOU and we will go together as a belated birthday gift.

This may also help her to feel like it all doesn't come at once... Like she gets a few special days a year. I'm also a November baby, and my daughters a Boxing Day baby. We both understand how it is to wait allllll year and it all comes at once, it's quite overwhelming in a sense. Especially for DD as she has xmas, then her birthday comes, then she has her birthday party which means she's got 3 days of present opening all at once,

Life isn't fair, my DDs know that and yes i will not make an issue out of it (only in my head!)

You know what, in her 9yr old head, this is going to be seen as favouritism. You can "she will have to cope/understand" all you like, but him not giving her something may well damage the relationship he has with her.

Yeah, kids should understand...and she will tell you she does, but inside she will be hurt & confused.

Why are you avoiding the suggestion that you 'loan' him a gift to give her? Or will that make your presents look "measly"

No one sounds grabby Op IMO

I think you are just upset about the treating your dd differently on the day.

Probably because of your previous experience with ex you get a little over sensitive with lack of planning....initiative etc.

You are worrying about way way more than she will

Hope she has a lovely day

Giving to one and not the other is a huge mistake. All or none!

He didn't choose to it

Well for me, showing a child i've remembered their birthday (in whichever way! gift, day out, meal, pretty card) isnt taking on a parental role but nevermind.I'm god mother to a close firends son, i dont make the difference of my god mother role in their birthdays.

If anyone is slowing things down abit then its me : he is really up for being a part of our family. The precedent def. was set with the rollerblades but in July i didn't think "ooh, i hope he'll do the same for DD2", because thats not how real people think. I thought "how nice he wants to give her something she'll enjoy" and they go together rollerblading, because i'd rather die than try it! It has bought them closer.

Nope, not hard to sort at all. D'ailleurs, i wasn't asking for it to be sorted. I wanted to know if i was AIBU for what i was feeling, and yes i know i was a little.

Thanks for the suggestions

Op I think some people cant see where your coming from so your getting a bit of a rough ride here!
I think I see, as i felt much the same with my ex - its really not about a lavish gift, its showing that he considers your girls because he wants too. Which im sure he does, hes just on a learning curve atm. Being involved in other peoples kids lives is hard work, your DP sounds like he's trying - just don't expect him to just know this stuff without some pointers.
I don't think YABU to want your DDs to be treated the same, nor are you being U to of liked some forward planning, however a guy with kids would of never had to before, and remember he's not a mind reader. I'm sure he'll be happy for you to explain that its important that you know your girls are considered by him because things like that are a big deal to them.
I also dont think your expecting him to act like a parent. But he's involved in you kids lives, For instance, my closest friend would be confused if I didn't get her boy a birthday present & he would be very upset. Not because they are "grabby" or she expects me to act like a parent. But because he would think id forgotten and she would be sad he was sad! and I buy awesome gifts because I love him to pieces and want to!