Sick of MIL

[fizzingmum]

MY DP is close with his Mum and she helps him out with his DS, picking up from school etc. However she is constantly causing trouble between us, in the most innocent of ways and it is really pissing me off. I try to tell him but he just gets defensive. As an example at the weekend on Sunday we were all going out for dinner with his family and sister etc. His Ex called to say that DS had forgotten his coat and he would have to leave the meal and drive to the next town to drop it off. I objected as it would take over 2 hours and we had plans. I said surely she has another coat she can manage with until the Monday (when he was back with us). I thought Ex was just being awkward. Anyway MIL pipes up and says she will take the coat back as she wanted to see him anyway. All is fine. DS gets his coat and we don't have to spend 2 hours driving there and back. Cut to the Monday evening when MIL is dropping DS off after school. He comes in wearing a bright purple coat I haven't seen before. I ask MIL where it has come from and she says "I don't know, she sent him to school in it this morning". Im then fuming with his EX as it was clear she did have another coat, just wanted to be awkward. I tell DP this and he says, no you have it wrong. The purple coat is the spare coat that my Mum keeps at her house!! So why did MIL say it was from Ex's house? She knew I was mad about having to go over to the next town, and I think she did this on purpose so I thought ex was being awkward. Its an innocent enough lie in itself (although hard to justify and explain). But this is just one example of little lies she tells, quite deliberately to cause trouble. I find her to be really overbearing and interferes in the household parenting etc. I have told my DP he needs to address this but he is sticking his head in the sand, and he ends up saying I am in the wrong for slagging his Mum off. He really cant see how her twisted lies cause trouble. AIBU to think he needs to address this and pull her on each little lie? AIBU to just be sick and tired of her games? Are other MILs like this or have I just been really unlucky?!

Correct on the kids, but my two don't have anything to do with her. In the nicest possible way, MIL is happy with her previous SGC and we are happy with that. They exchange cards and gifts on birthday and Christmas etc and see her when there is a family do. But mine don't think of her as grandma and she doesn't think of them as grandchildren. That bit works well for us all. So the tightrope is not as tight as first suggested.

YANBU. She's gaslighting you and it is terrible to experience. Your DP is facilitating this and may even be doing it too! My exH did this all the time. Example. We're shopping in town. He answers the phone to his Mum and tells her we're in a completely different town having a pub lunch at that very moment. We were in Boots! It's weird, it's destructive and it effects your mental health. When I questioned him on it he laughed and said why was I questioning it. Wasn't important! Meant I was now colluding in the lie and ended up going along with it when his Mum asked what I had. Ended up making up a meal I never had. Head fuck.

Turns out no one ever called him on his lies, the whole family thought lying for fun, power, for control or just as a test to see if they would be believed was acceptable. It was their norm. It destroyed my confidence, my mental health and was exhausting. If your DP won't call her on it and recognise it's a genuine problem I think you are in for a whole lot of problems which they will lay at your door not theirs. Sorry.

She sees the other two children when she is over picking up DSS.
I'm not saying they played all day and DSS denies it, I'm saying he was never there and MIL made it up. Including all of the detail about what he had eaten etc. And that's the scary bit. The lies and level of detail. To be clear DSS was on his own at MIL house and she invented the story completely. I do think that my partner lies about some of it for an easy life, or maybe because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Goodcompany2! Thank you. I am not imagining it and it all feels like it's turned on me for using a bad example with the coat! It can be so frustrating to hear the lies. And I also think it's an insult to my intelligence that she thinks I believe her!

Your dds not having anything to do with mil when everyone else does sounds weird in a long term relationship to me. Surely there must be some limited contact? How on earth do you keep them all apart? Sounds exhausting and artificial. Or do you and your dp's not live together?

I think there could be a mixture of people lying. Your MIL and your DP. Do you know that your DP doesn't feed stuff back to his mum what you have said about his ex? You said the discussions about his ex and that are between you and him but do you know that he isn't sharing this with his mother?

It all seems odd. I also cannot abide liars. I hate lies with a passion, particularly unecessary ones. I'd have to pull her up on it. Look confused and say "what? I thought you never saw your SGC? That's what I heard" pull her up every time.

His ex also sounds like a pita so you are justified in being annoyed with her for causing issues that do impact upon your life.

Your MIL sounds like a manipulative cow who tells something different depending g on who she is speaking to. I have no time for people like this.

So your mil was definitely referring to a time your dss was with her and not a time your dss was elsewhere and she was looking after one of your dp's ex's other children?...

IMO they make the lies weirder and weirder to see how far they can control you. Watching you struggle with calling them on preposterous lies is the fun part. Given my time again I would run from this type of dysfunctional family. It's soul destroying and if your DP colludes I'm sorry to say I would run from him too.

You never know what's true and what's not. I believe some major lies and it hurts to know how much they manipulated me sometimes for gain and sometimes for entertainment.

Might be time to take stock of the relationship values you have with DH. He should be your staunchest ally, supporter and rock in this upset. Not dismissive of your upset. Hugs.

We live together and MIL lives around the corner. She is heavily involved with DSS but has never shown an interest in my two. It bothered me at first but in time I have found it to be for the best. She has no rules or boundaries and is overbearing in all aspects. This wouldn't work for me and my children. It's not hard work, if my children are here everything is fine. She just isn't considered a grandma figure by them.

Definitely a day that it was just DSS with her. Another example is she took DSS to Warwick castle. Told me she had taken his brother too and he had been really naughty and rude. Asked DSS if he had a nice time, yes he did. Asked if his brother enjoyed it he said he was on his own! Another pointless lie!

It could equally be dss lying, impossible to tell from the thread.

Maybe it's all of them lying!

This all sounds pointlessly exhausting to me. I agree with everyone that's says the example in your op does sound like your MIL was trying to be helpful. She's your MIL not your mother. Your DP clearly has no issue with his mother and has no intention of doing anything about your issues with his mother. I do wonder how he must feel every time you start to bad mouth his mum. I know it would piss me off especially if I couldn't see what the problem was.

With regards his ex, you really need to stay out of that relationship. It's a situation that your DP needs to handle with his ex and it sounds like you are making things more difficult by going off on one everytime plans change or even if the ex becomes a bit awkward.

The person I feel sorry for is your DP. It's sounds like he gets it in the neck because you have issues with his mother and he gets it in the neck from you when dealing with a difficult / awkward situation or any situation with his ex.

My advise, back off and concentrate on your relationship with your DP, your DSS and your family. Stop getting so emotionally invested in what his MIL and/or ex do, say, don't do, don't say or whatever.

Ask her. Say 'Why did you say you didn't know where the coat came from when it came from you?' If you pull her up on the little lies, she might stop.

The reason why your MIl is nice to your DHs ex is she loves her grandchild. She may not care two pins for his ex wife, or not. Her own children and grandchildren are blood relatives, partners are not ( they can also come and go)
However, as a parent and grandparent with grown up children, When they were going through the dating stage my Dh and I met loads of prospective partners.
We grew to like and love some of them, especially if they were around for a couple of years.
If the relationship foundered, these people were toast. Despite welcoming them into our house, entertaining them, sometimes paying deposits for apartments, cars etc to help our children. Once they were gone, we were not allowed to have a relationship any more or MENTION them. It is quite hard.

Luckily, the situation has never been compounded by children.
But if my DCs had a child and they subsquently divorced, I would want to keep on good terms with the ex. Not because I necessarily liked her but because I would love my grandchild.

I don't condone your MIL ,not being straight forward and honest, as we all should be, but she has a lot of balls in the air trying to keep everyone happy.

She has your DPs ex, which is difficult, she has you, which is difficult, and she has her son.
Mmm cut her some slack and calm down.

Your attempts now to convince us that you are a reasonable person without a myriad of your own issues, I am afraid falls down, because your language gives you away.
You also say you are not honest and straightforward either as you have been unable to say anything to your MIL about her behaviour. You want her to be honest with you, but you are unable to be with her. You just seeth about her in private.

Your DSS also might be well aware that if he mentions the Ex ( his DM) he will get into trouble with you. Children in this situation learn to lie quickly.

Your MIL will probably sense that you are annoyed anyway and your DP will be telling his mum what you are annoyed about.

These people are going to be in your life for a long time. It might be that your MIL is a Narcissist, but the only person you can change or do anything about is yourself.
You appear so angry and upset, so perhaps some counselling and a mindful course might help you.
With all the exs, and the step , this and that, it appears to be a relationship mine field.
Do you want your DP to give up seeing his MUM?
I feel sorry for you OP as you sound so miserable. Instead of seething, be honest with your MIL in a calm and adult manner. Tell her what is upsetting you.
Make sure you can answer the question ' Am I jealous of my DHs mother and his Ex wife, with a resounding ' no'

I wish I could Moriarty, but the thought of embarrassing her makes me feel bad, so I just let her lies continue and cause me angst. I need to let that go!

It could be that confronting her with her lies would be constructive. Confrontation doesn't even have to be that confrontational, iyswim - just responding disingenuously, picking her up on things, clarifying constantly in situations where you know she's contradicting things said previously. It might have the effect of making her rein it in a bit. It also might have the effect of establishing whether there are any other liars in this picture, if you innocently ask for clarification in front of more than one person.

However, it might also have the effect of turning things very nasty. My mother, for example, can't bear to be called out on her lies, as it makes it seem (to her) as though her carefully constructed veneer of control is on the brink of crumbling and tumbling down around her ears. She responds like a cornered rat. Without your DP onside, I think this could result in very explosive family relations. Not one to try over Christmas, at the very least.

I think she may just be a compulsive liar. The lies she is telling don't have anything to do with you and don't make you look bad in any way, I don't think she's out to get you. Why couldn't you just say to DP 'oh that's strange MIL said she's never seen it before' and leave it at that.

can't bear to be called out on her lies, as it makes it seem (to her) as though her carefully constructed veneer of control is on the brink of crumbling and tumbling down around her ears. She responds like a cornered rat

Sounds like an alcoholic I used to know when confronted about her alcoholism. Wonder if it's an addiction of sorts. Sorry - massively projecting! Just wondering.

Many of the lies could equally have been dss's lies. He and she are the witnesses to the other child being there. The coat can be explained by worrying about a reaction from OP.

Three possible liars: MIL, DSS, DP. Could be one, any combination of 2 or all 3 of them.

Yes, they are pointless, so maybe narc MIL, but equally could be DP for a power trip or out of worry about OP's reaction or DSS either out of fear what reaction there'd be, for fun or just because.

Sounds like she expected you to be gone a long time ago. You just wouldn't have no relationship whatsoever with your ds's new partner's children, but have a relationship with their ex's children, unless you expected the new partner soon to go the way of the other ex...

I can see that picking MIL up on her lies might be an idea, but yes, the cornered rat analogy is a good one for some of these types! OR they just create more lies to cover the first lie, or turn it back on you anyway. I went out with a pathological liar for 6m - it was long enough, I didn't know where I was half the time because of his constant lying, it was awful. Challenging him just produced a bunch of other cover-up lies.

You don't even want to try it in case she is embarrassed - pretty sure she won't be, but fair enough.

So once again - nod, smile, ignore. Just look faintly confused if you spot the lie and say "oh I'm sure X said y..." then trail off and walk away.

You say she's overbearing and interfering and deliberately lies to make trouble between you and your DP, OP, yet you are reluctant to 'embarrass' her by tackling her lying - if that's what it is - in even the smallest, politest 'Oh, that's strange, DSS said his brother wasn't there at Warwick Castle' way...? Why? Why is she suddenly a delicate flower who must not be embarrassed, when elsewhere in your thread she's an overbearing troublemaker who's trying to wreck your relationships?

I'm asking this not to be confrontational, but to get some sense of the complicated dynamics between you all. It sounds as if in some ways it's easier for you psychologically, if it's MIL who does all the family lying, because if it were conclusively proven by a passing drone cam, say, that your DSS's brother was there at Warwick Castle throwing a strop, then you would have to confront the fact that DSS (and/or your DP) is lying to you for some reason.

Also, I noticed that several of the MIL's 'lies' (or alternatively, your DSS's/DP's lies) are about contact with your DSS's other family - the day she said your DSS's brother was visiting her, the trip to Warwick Castle the same child was supposed to be on, etc. That seems like too much of a coincidence in a very fraught situation where relations with the ex are complex and often hostile - and not the pattern of a compulsive, random liar.

Is it possible your MIL is actually lying about seeing the children, because she desperately wants to see them and is fantasising about playing happy families? Or, on the other hand, is she telling the truth about seeing the children, and your DSS and DP are lying to you because they think you'll be upset/angry at MIL's continued contact with them? The fact that MIL seems to emphasise the other child's bad behaviour seems like a weird attempt to placate you by not sounding too positive about the contact, even if it's imaginary..?

Tbh, I agree you sound aggressive and hard work.