Sick of MIL

[fizzingmum]

MY DP is close with his Mum and she helps him out with his DS, picking up from school etc. However she is constantly causing trouble between us, in the most innocent of ways and it is really pissing me off. I try to tell him but he just gets defensive. As an example at the weekend on Sunday we were all going out for dinner with his family and sister etc. His Ex called to say that DS had forgotten his coat and he would have to leave the meal and drive to the next town to drop it off. I objected as it would take over 2 hours and we had plans. I said surely she has another coat she can manage with until the Monday (when he was back with us). I thought Ex was just being awkward. Anyway MIL pipes up and says she will take the coat back as she wanted to see him anyway. All is fine. DS gets his coat and we don't have to spend 2 hours driving there and back. Cut to the Monday evening when MIL is dropping DS off after school. He comes in wearing a bright purple coat I haven't seen before. I ask MIL where it has come from and she says "I don't know, she sent him to school in it this morning". Im then fuming with his EX as it was clear she did have another coat, just wanted to be awkward. I tell DP this and he says, no you have it wrong. The purple coat is the spare coat that my Mum keeps at her house!! So why did MIL say it was from Ex's house? She knew I was mad about having to go over to the next town, and I think she did this on purpose so I thought ex was being awkward. Its an innocent enough lie in itself (although hard to justify and explain). But this is just one example of little lies she tells, quite deliberately to cause trouble. I find her to be really overbearing and interferes in the household parenting etc. I have told my DP he needs to address this but he is sticking his head in the sand, and he ends up saying I am in the wrong for slagging his Mum off. He really cant see how her twisted lies cause trouble. AIBU to think he needs to address this and pull her on each little lie? AIBU to just be sick and tired of her games? Are other MILs like this or have I just been really unlucky?!

Why do you get yourself upset over things the ex and mother in law do when it had no impact on you whatsoever?
Perhaps MIL tells 'lies' because you appear so hostile all the time?
It sounds like you confront people rather than talk to them.

I have always had a big thing against lying. My ex husband lied through our whole marriage. So I accept I am more sensitive to lies than most. I have also come across people in life that tell lies for no reason. I just didn't think someone like MIL would be like that. I still don't understand the comments that it is not my business to be pissed with the ex's games. They directly affect our daily life, and his sons well being. I don't mind what relationship MIL decides to have with his ex. But don't pretend to me it's shit and you can't stand her, then actually have a good relationship with her. Just tell me the truth. Also if she is sharing ex's personal business with me, what is she saying to her over a cup of tea? What lies is she telling elsewhere.

Your MIL had a relationship with her son's GCs, before you had a relationship with her son?
If I was your MIL I think I would be frightened to tell you the truth as you might blow up. I think that is the source of her lying, probably fear of you. It seems to me that she may have to tiptoe around you.
You mention that your Dh has a close relationship with his Dm as though that is a bad thing.
Have you got a son? Would you like it, if when he has a wife, she objects to you being close to your DS?
The MIL, DIL, relationship is hard to get right because of jealousy and control issues. Please try harder. Your MIl is a woman just like you who is trying her best probably to get on with you. Stop looking on the bad side and try and see some good in the woman. You are also making your DH unhappy.

Relax and choose your battles. It didn't matter about the coat really as it got sorted. What matters is your feelings about CONTROL.

If you want to control everything and everybody you are in for a very rough ride through life. Sorry

Why is it not my place to blast the ex to my other half? She takes the piss in lots of ways and is constantly being awkward

No one is more 'awkward' than my DH exW.

Her antics have included having an massive argument with DH about changing contact whilst I was very ill in intensive care. (He was saying that his DParents were going to pick up DC as obviously he couldn't)

However I don't 'blast' her. We talk calmly about it.

Whatever she has done including multiple affairs which was the cause of the marriage break up she is still the mother of my DSC and DH DC.

I think she lies because you are liable to blow up. She can't win.

1. You'd blow up having to bring the coat.
2. You'd blow up knowing there was a coat. (She brought the coat herself then lied when realising there was a coat all along.)
3. Then you blow up because you realised there was a coat.

I think the point is that you being pissed off with the ex's behaviour does not help the situation. This is for your partner and his ex to sort out and put their arrangements on a legal footing.
Why does it bother you what relationship mil has with ex? If you feel she is sharing inappropriate information tell her. You cannot control what she says about you - therefore worrying about it is pointless.

Other lies she tells are that she has been looking after his ex's other 2 children in the school holidays. She makes a point of telling me where they have been and what they have all done together (never has anything to do with my two). I'm not bothered but when I mentioned it to DP, he was adamant she hasn't seen her other children in years and certainly not taken them to the park/circus/Warwick castle or any of the other, very specific places she takes pleasure in telling me about.

Maybe it's your DP who is lying about that, to placate you?

You have chosen a bad example, maybe a tip of an iceberg but people will answer to what they have read. If you read your own op without the previous information that only you know would you honestly see what she did in this one occasion was so bad.

I feel deeply sorry for your mil op I really do. You sounc fairly scary.

Your aggressive language and inability to understand why people may not tell the whole truth all the time sounds very immature.

Please try keeping your temper in front of the children involved here won't you.

OP, you can't directly control someone else's behaviour, you can only control how you deal with it, and your own behaviour. You can't control what your MIL is saying about you to the ex, no, but you need to acknowledge that she has an ongoing relationship with her, as the mother of her grandchild, which predates her relationship with you.

Presumably she feels as if she's in an awkward position between the two of you, and perhaps is lying to try to smooth things over, or even to regain a sense of control in a complicated situation, which is where the lies come from - it certainly sounds as if she's been a witness to a lot of your anger and aggression about the ex's behaviour, and hasn't managed to stake out a position where she's comfortable with saying she wants to maintain a civil relationship with her.

Tell your MIL you don't want to hear gossip about the ex, and say that you're sure she will understand that, equally, you don't want gossip about you passed to the ex.

I don't care what relationship she has with his ex, I care that she blatantly lies about it to my face!
The lies are not designed to spare my feelings, or because she is scared of me. That's the hard bit. They come out of nowhere and for no reason. They are literally just made up on the spot. If you saw us together you would never know that her behaviour upsets me. I can't imagine saying anything as it would embarrass her to be pulled up on lies. However when she starts to gossip to me, I now just change the subject as I don't want to hear it. I am also careful about what I say to her so she can't gossip to ex about me. But every time I see her, she makes a point of telling me some pointless lie that has no value or consequence. Why would she tell me she has looked after DSS brothers and taken them to the circus. Then to find out she didn't (usually through innocent conversation). She must realise that her lies will come out but still tells them.

Have you ever considered that it might be your dp telling fibs? If you are constantly 'blasting' his ex, and his mum then he is probably telling fibs so you don't go off on one again.

And yes, I'm trying to figure out what your DP's role in all this is, other than you using him to check up on whether your MIL is lying or not.

How long have you been together, for instance? Do her lies bother him? And why is the lie (if it is a lie) about whether your MIL sees your DP's ex's children important? Not your children, not your DP's children (or were they his step children and he maintains a relationship?

To be clear, MIL has no idea how I fee about her lies or even about his ex! She has no reason to placate or any other reason for lying. I have not been aggressive or shouted in front of her or children. It is limited to between me and OH. She genuinely just makes shit up. All the time! Example: she told a big story the other day about his ex's middle child being at her house the day before. She slagged the kid off for his bad behaviour and then how much he ate at her house. Even going as far as to tel me a list of what he ate from her fridge. The boy had not even been to her house! What is the point of this lie? All of the detail!! What is she trying to achieve? Surely she must know she will be caught out? Surely someone else out there has someone who lies and can understand my frustrations?!

I think you are doing all you can - not telling her lots of info that she can use to gossip about you is sensible.
Just ignore the lies - smile and nod. Am not sure why it bothers you as they seem to be about people you have no contact with (dss's brothers)? You seem over invested in her behaviour. If she is caught out with one of her lies that's her problem, not yours.

My money's on your DP lying about her having not seen the ex's other children for years.

How can she have so much contact with her grandson and not see the other children??

Your saying, "never has anything to do with my two" could possibly be the reason why?

I have considered it's DP and I definitely think he has some involvement somewhere. But if you refer to the lie in my last post you will see the kind of random lie she tells that he has no part in. Therefore it can't be him. I do think there is a tendency with his family for lies. As for my kids having nothing to do with her, that is a choice. I work from home so can pick them up and have them in holidays myself. They are older than DSS and also girls so we do different things. It's really not a problem.

Maybe they all think you will blow up whatever they say, best make something up so you have no real ammunition.

I had a friend like this, she went ballistic about all sorts, so I told her codswallop to ensure if she afterwards told others (to rage again) she'd at least not give away stuff about me.

If you can't see the point in her lies maybe it's not her that lying?

People keep saying are you sure it's her lying and not your partner.

Is that possible?

I can't stand bare faced lying either OP.
I think I would have to ask her, not in an angry way but I'd be saying ' oh I thought you didn't see ex's other children?'.
I'd find her habit of making up stories really peculiar, if she were elderly I might worry about her mental capacity .
There's no way I wouldn't say something
The whole coat fiasco probably wasn't a great example.
I bet you have got more support if you'd said ' my partner's mum is repeatedly lying to me'.

Not sure where you all get the impression I will go off and shout. MIL has only ever seen me being pleasant. Yes I can argue with my partner about his ex, but that remains between us. When I said I blasted his ex, it was in a text saying "yes I was right, she was just being awkward yesterday". I don't see this as overly aggressive or a reason to lie. If the lies were in some way to protect me or not upset me I could understand. They are however just made up shit with no consequence other than to make me confused and frustrated.

I see your point and no, I can't imagine what her motivation is for lying, unless she's just a fantasist, or, as you say, is stirring the pot for the fun of it.

My great grandmother used to do that. Tell petty lies and tales between her DD (my great aunt) and her DIL (my grandmother). It SUCKED. There was so much resentment because of it, and much of it wasn't even real!

So I would say to you - step back from it. Ignore her lies, nod and smile and let her do the things she does if they make life easier for your DP and you. Ignore her stuff about the ex, don't get involved in any way - you may find she is doing the same things TO the ex, in fact, so better that you can say hand on heart that you've never said a bad word about the ex to your MIL. Your DP is hardly likely to tell her.

And, if your MIL is in fact stirring the pot, it's quite likely she's playing both sides against the middle and it's possible that some of the ex's awkward behaviour may be because of this.

But this is supposition.

Your only route forward is the nod, smile and refuse to engage.

Maybe your dp lies about MIL seeing Ex's other children because MIL has not yet formed much of a bond with yours and he thinks (not without reason by the sound of it) you'd be upset if she sees the "old" set of step grandchildren, but not yet the "new" ones?

I get it that the coat wasn't a great example. Just the latest in a long line of pointless lies. Maybe she is a fantasist, or declining in mental health. I will just have to suck it up. I hadn't considered that maybe the ex behaviour is fuelled by stuff MIL says. I genuinely just want a peaceful life, but as liars don't fit into my life I find it hard to smile through the blatancy! Maybe I just chalk her down as crackers and hope it's not genetic! Thanks for advice guys.

Well so what if the ex had a spare coat, you just need to remember to send a coat next time. If MIL did lie, it still shouldn't cause trouble, unless you are looking to cause an argument.

I think you MIL did you a big favour. I don't know why she would lie, possibly she is worried you will get angry, as it seems you are looking for things to be annoyed about. Instead why don't you put your energy into trying to have the best interactions possible with the ex and MIL for the sake of the whole family. Think of things that would help them and assume their best intentions.