Sick of MIL

[fizzingmum]

MY DP is close with his Mum and she helps him out with his DS, picking up from school etc. However she is constantly causing trouble between us, in the most innocent of ways and it is really pissing me off. I try to tell him but he just gets defensive. As an example at the weekend on Sunday we were all going out for dinner with his family and sister etc. His Ex called to say that DS had forgotten his coat and he would have to leave the meal and drive to the next town to drop it off. I objected as it would take over 2 hours and we had plans. I said surely she has another coat she can manage with until the Monday (when he was back with us). I thought Ex was just being awkward. Anyway MIL pipes up and says she will take the coat back as she wanted to see him anyway. All is fine. DS gets his coat and we don't have to spend 2 hours driving there and back. Cut to the Monday evening when MIL is dropping DS off after school. He comes in wearing a bright purple coat I haven't seen before. I ask MIL where it has come from and she says "I don't know, she sent him to school in it this morning". Im then fuming with his EX as it was clear she did have another coat, just wanted to be awkward. I tell DP this and he says, no you have it wrong. The purple coat is the spare coat that my Mum keeps at her house!! So why did MIL say it was from Ex's house? She knew I was mad about having to go over to the next town, and I think she did this on purpose so I thought ex was being awkward. Its an innocent enough lie in itself (although hard to justify and explain). But this is just one example of little lies she tells, quite deliberately to cause trouble. I find her to be really overbearing and interferes in the household parenting etc. I have told my DP he needs to address this but he is sticking his head in the sand, and he ends up saying I am in the wrong for slagging his Mum off. He really cant see how her twisted lies cause trouble. AIBU to think he needs to address this and pull her on each little lie? AIBU to just be sick and tired of her games? Are other MILs like this or have I just been really unlucky?!

I don't think you hide your 'fuming' - you say a few times that you and DP are discussing the requests from his ex in front if your MIL i.e. 'She knew I was mad about having to go over to the next town' or 'I objected as it would take over 2 hours and we had plans..... I thought Ex was just being awkward. Anyway MIL pipes up and says she will take the coat back' So she was there and HEARD you, I would put money on you not being as sweetness and light as you would have us believe

You are having a pop at your MIL for being overbearing and interfering in the house but that seems to be in the main her being quite helpful.

I think that a) your DP is fibbing to avoid you exploding and b) your DPs Mum walking on eggshells around you. Read your OP back and be honest about what you sound like

she told a big story the other day about his ex's middle child being at her house the day before. She slagged the kid off for his bad behaviour and then how much he ate at her house. Even going as far as to tel me a list of what he ate from her fridge. The boy had not even been to her house!

I am reading on my phone so forgive me if you have mentioned this, but how do you know this was a lie with such certainty?

The boy had not even been to her house!

Unless you were actually there at the time there is no way you can know this. Who told you this? Your DP by any chance?

What queenof said

It is you that's the hard work here. Why not just step away and let her deal or tell fibs about the gc. They aren't even yours, to be so worked up and 'fuming' about.
Seems like she can't do anything right.
And yes pp brought up a good point, why have so much love for one gc and not see the other two.

I know he hadn't been at her house because DSS told us all about his day and said his brother hasn't been there (we didn't outright ask him before anyone jumps on that). It just came out in normal conversation, as do most of the lies. Sometimes straight away, other times weeks later.

She would be much more in the right if she didn't lie every time she opened her mouth! I don't stand for lying from my children or others in my life. I actively choose to not have liars in my life (ex husband case in point). I don't have that option with MIL. The point about the other children is not if I am bothered or not (I'm not) it's that she doesn't see them but pretends she does. And I don't know WHY?! I get that my style is very direct and my idea of being pleasant may differ from others. However the definition of lying is the same across the board surely?!

Ok then she tells these pointless lies, don't encourage or engage her when she does it. It really isn't anything to get so worked up over. She helped your dp out massively by doing the 2hour journey to drop off the coat, and with the nursery aftercare. Just let her get on with it.

Some people just lie.
Whatever the reason or size of the lie you won’t change it so you may as well just ignore it or you will drive yourself insane.
It doesn’t really sound like malicious lying to me, maybe a bit of wishful thinking or trying to say what she thinks you want to hear – who knows!
At the end of the day she’s your DPs mum and she does a lot to help you with his DS so you have to just suck it up. She’s not going anywhere and slagging her off to your DP is never a good idea – it just gets his back up and makes you seem like you are trying to make him take sides.

Constant lying about small things that cause discord, oversharing the ex's personal details... sounds to me like she might be a narcissist. This link might ring a few bells with you if so. My mum's one. The lying will drive you round the bend, and part of the condition is that they are very good at sounding nice and plausible and kind to people outside the situation. They're very good also at planting their lies in a way that makes you sound petty or ridiculous if you complain. All you can do is what you're doing - smile and nod, and don't tell her a fucking thing.

Well, I'm apparently going to be in a minority here, but I really feel for you, OP. I've mentioned on other threads that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, and this sort of childish, manipulative behaviour is very, very familiar to me. One of the hardest things about it, ime, is how impossible it is to explain to other people, especially if they have no experience of fucked up family dynamics themselves. To the outside eye, it looks as though your family member is 'just trying to be helpful'. I can quite see how your frustration levels have gone up and up and up if this sort of nonsense is a regular thing. The more you try to explain, the pettier you will seem, which is exactly how they like it.

On the face of it, dealing with the coat was helpful, yes. But why the ridiculous lie? Obviously, therefore, this wasn't in fact a helpful transaction. Quite what MIL's rationale and motivation was you will probably never know or understand. My mother tells the most ridiculous lies, completely trivial and pointless. She devotes a lot of effort to preventing family members from being in a position to compare versions but when we do we are slackjawed by how stupid some of the lying is. Some of it is also offensive, or manipulative. By the time they are middle-aged or elderly, I think such people probably lie reflexively just in case it should prove to be useful later.

So my advice to you, OP, is as follows:

• Stop trying to understand MIL's behaviour. It probably isn't amenable to logical interpretation. If you believe the goal is to cause conflict, however, then just don't let it, don't rise to the bait. This will be easier if you don't give her buttons to press, i.e. swallow your hostility towards DP's ex - which isn't a constructive emotion in any case.
• Trying to justify your position on this thread is understandable but it may be best to give it up as a bad job. I completely get the dynamics of this incident, but to anyone without experience of this type of person, your anecdote seems nonsensical and your position petty. Sorry you are getting such a hard time as a result.
• If possible, try to reduce your reliance on MIL for childcare/pickups etc so as to minimise her opportunity for stirring the pot. May be easier said than done, I appreciate.
• Focus on constructive discussion with DP about the dynamics she brings to family relations. It doesn't sound as though he is very awake to this atm, so this may be a slow game. Read about narcissism and see if the cap fits. It may open your eyes to specific strategies she is using that you can then gently draw DP's attention to. Try to understand the family dynamics of his childhood, as that may shed light and suggest solutions to you.
• As far as MIL herself is concerned: ignore, disengage, refuse to play the game. At the moment, she's winding you up and watching you go. Deny her the satisfaction.

I am aware after this thread that I sound unreasonable! I am not I promise. Just frustrated! She is very good, purposely or not, at making me look that way!

Ah, xpost with toomuch!

I think it was lovely that she offered to drop the coat off for you, this does not sound like an awful lady, it sounds like a lady thats very helpful, so why then would she go out of her way? to do something not so nice? it doesnt make sense.

I think your MIL is doing her best to smooth things over because she's sick of seeing and hearing you pecking at your DP's head constantly about his ex.

I think the coat thing was your MIL doing her best to stop you from spoiling what was meant to be a nice family meal out.

I think your DP is lying to you about how much contact MIL has with the children and their trips out, etc, to smooth things over with you, as you've already had a little dig on here that she has nothing to do with your children.

I think they're both (understandably) walking on eggshells around you.

Well it does seem as if she tells random lies for no reason. Yanbu to find that strange, because it is a bit.

That said I think YABU for getting so wound up about it. I think you might need to calm down a bit. Also think you should keep your thoughts on your DP's DS and his ex to yourself from now on. It never ends well ime if you get involved in relations between ex partners and their children. I'd be keeping my nose well and truly out of it tbh.

It sounds insane and sadly similar to jinks my mum can get up to when she's bored or fancies some attention. It is impossible to explain to people that don't know her well. She is always the victim and can never see how her own insane convoluted behaviour affects others. I think she is also a narcissist/borderline personality disorder type. Just don't get sucked in, it will drive you crazy and for what? You can't change her, fix her, whatever. All it will do is damage your life. Roll your eyes but don't get involved. Great post from mrslupo! Good luck.

I see your point op.

It seems the only people who can understand your situation, Fizzing, are those of us with family experience of similar!

Disengage. It really is the only way.

I keep hearing don't get involved with the ex, but that's very hard. Example one Saturday getting ready to go and pick DSS up for a day out and have him overnight. Ex calls and says we can only see him if we have her middle child also, as she wants a day out. At this point I had never met the child in question and had never spoken to the ex. She was blackmailing us to have a child I had never met in my home overnight and be responsible for him. The child has various behaviour issues (according to MIL, so this could be another lie!). My eldest daughter had met this child, he cornered her at a party and repeatedly burped loudly and aggressively in her face. I am expected to say to my child that he is coming into our home overnight because his Mum fancies going on the lash? Or am I okay to say no to this request (blackmail). I said no and believe I was right to do so. However MIL now thinks I am unreasonable cos it's not his fault he is naughty and hard work. She missed the point completely. Who asks complete stranger to take their child? Nothing to do with his potential behaviour issues, I just won't be held to ransom cos his ex fancies going on the pull! So am I still unreasonable and should I keep out of this scenario?

Do I understand this right: Your DP's Ex has 2 children not by your DP (his dsc), 1 child by your DP (your dss) and you have 2 children not by your DP (also his dsc)? So MIL has 1 grandchild and 4 step grandchildren?

This is one hell of a tightrope to walk for everyone, do not sweat the small stuff.

I'm confused. Surely she sees your dp's ex's other children if she goes over there with coats in tow? Are they also his children, or someone else's children who are no relation of your mil's? And what happened to your dss' other coat (the one you expected to see him in)? And are you really saying she said she had one of your dp's ex's children at her house at the same time as your dss and that they played together, but your dss is denying it?

You were directly involved in that, Fizzing and it directly affected you - of course you were right to engage with the ex over that (although I suppose it could be argued that your DP should have done it but hey) - but YWNBU to say no to having the other child. I'm amazed she would want to send him to someone he's never met before either!

But in general, where there's no need to interact with her, leave it up to your DP wherever possible.

OP, you discuss with DP whether you want to have the other child to stay or not, and then you communicate your decision to his mother, with or without reasons, as you see fit. You pay no attention whatsoever to what MIL thinks of either XW's request or your response, as it's none of her business.

And yes, agree with reni this is a complex family situation in any case. Try to be kind to yourselves.

Your last post makes it sound entirely credible to me that your mil has had the ex's children over to her house.