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AIBU?

...to think these girls aren't 'strong-willed', they're just a nightmare?

167 replies

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 21:02

In my DS' year (Y1) there is a core of 3-4 girls who are 'the popular girls'. Frankly, I thank my lucky stars that I have sons, because they don't really notice these girls. But they do have lots of little girl friends and I hear endless tales of this little clique...the girls themselves desperate to belong, and their mothers telling stories of bullying, manipulation, exclusion, bribery etc.

Tonight I have been shocked to witness an almost self-congratulatory thread on FB between three of these girls' mothers, joking about how hard it is to parent 'naturally strong-willed and feisty' girls, but really full of pride about what one called 'their alpha girls'.

I wanted to step in and say 'actually, they aren't strong-willed, they're incredibly spoilt and entitled and could do with a few lessons on kindness'. Naturally I didn't.

Then I started to wonder if, in fact, these women are well aware of how mean their children can be, but are so relieved they're not being bullied that they just ignore it

AIBU? Are some kids just born like this?

OP posts:

Report

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 22/11/2015 21:31

They are 5/6 year olds. Don't condemn them already.

Women tend to get their confidence knocked quite young and are often 'put in their place', and it makes it harder for women to be equal to men.

I am trying to raise a feisty child. Not a mean one, but I wouldn't ever stop her being strong willed - in fact I encourage that. If they are bullying that is one thing, but just being head-strong is personality and probably not down to being spoilt.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/11/2015 21:34

Yabu. They're five, for pity's sake!

5madthings · 22/11/2015 21:37

Bloody hell they are five! Yes they are stubborn and want their own way!

This labelling of children and putting it down to their Sex pisses me off. They are little children, they are learning.

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 21:38

I didn't say they did have a fully developed sense of empathy.

Nor did I mean to imply that I don't think boys can have these issues too, simply that in this particular class there is a lot of upset caused by the behaviour of these particular girls, who only seem to target other girls.

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Damselindestress · 22/11/2015 21:38

I think you are being harsh about the little girls. Hurt feelings are common among children at that age as they make friends and break friends easily, they're little children still learning how to socialise. You make them sound like Mean Girls! "bullying, manipulation, exclusion, bribery etc." Seriously, what does bribery even mean at that age? Sharing sweeties so the popular girls will like them? I can't imagine much money is changing hands! Why are you so involved in the tales that grown adults are telling about these children, to the extent of wanting to lecture their parents? TBH it sounds like there is some cliquey behaviour going on amongst the parents at that school too!

YoWassupG · 22/11/2015 21:39

dude, just chill, ok?

eyy bihu

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 21:39

Yes, they're learning...but why do their mums think it's acceptable, and seeing that they do, are they going to learn? Or keep doing it throughout school?

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Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 21:40

Lol ok I get it, IABU!

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Puruselde · 22/11/2015 21:41

Yeah, as a Nigerian mother who has been a victim of racism before, I see where you're coming from with the spoilt brats thing. Frankly unacceptable, no matter what the age.

YoWassupG · 22/11/2015 21:42

What kind of tasteless joke is this? Not funny at all. My DS would be horrified at such a vile statement. Please tone it down.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/11/2015 21:43

Those little kids on Secret Life of 5 Year Olds are so clearly mirroring their parents attitudes and values, I found it quite striking. Some of those kids were really unkind and lacking in empathy. I was genuinely surprised and I've had 4 kids myself.

YoWassupG · 22/11/2015 21:44

"Puruselde", I don't know who you think you are, but you need to take a long hard look at Mumsnet's policies.

bluebolt · 22/11/2015 21:45

I find it so strange that MN is so vocal about gender neutral regarding toys and clothes but when it really counts some people stick to gender stereotypes in the areas it really matter.

Screaminlikeabanshee · 22/11/2015 21:46

Yowassup Have you stumbled onto the wrong thread?

CoperCabana · 22/11/2015 21:46

What are the school doing if these girls are doing what you say? Wouldn't get away with it in DD's school.

Geraniumred · 22/11/2015 21:47

You will find that cliques change again and again as the girls go through school. My dd has gone from being most popular to least popular to having two good friends and being generally accepted by the others - now in year 6 she knows what to look for in a good friend and has learnt so much along the way. I wouldn't fret too much. The other girls will find their own groups too.

enderwoman · 22/11/2015 21:50

I think it's a common phenomenon hence the popularity of the movie Mean Girls. (We all know one!)

I'm surprised that you haven't noticed alpha males amongst the boys. I have both boys and a girl and there always seems to be a boy or two vying for the Top Dog position. Their methods tend to be different to the girls but if you watch them in a big group then it frequently happens.

CoperCabana · 22/11/2015 21:50

We were told Year 1 is about kids working out who to be friends with and they don't form real friendships until the end of Year 1 earliest. To build on my earlier post, there was some bullying going on amongst the girls and the school took quick and very effective action.

MySordidCakeSecret · 22/11/2015 21:51

yanbu whatsoever! my ds is in y1 too and i've witnessed all of this behaviour from 5 yr olds (and worse directed at him)

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 21:52

I am not sure what the school is doing, if anything, Coper.

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VestalVirgin · 22/11/2015 21:52

Women tend to get their confidence knocked quite young and are often 'put in their place', and it makes it harder for women to be equal to men.

True, but what about the victims of those girls' bullying? They get their confidence knocked, too.

And about that not fully developed sense of empathy ... I did mistreat some pets through negligience when I was in primary school, and I deeply regret that, but ... for animals, you really need empathy.

Other children, on the other hand, tell you when they don't like how you treat them.

And either way, it is no reason to let them behave in this way. It is a reason to show them how to socialise in better ways.

Making mistakes is human, but no one encourages people to aim to make mistakes, right?

No one demands that bullying five year olds be burned at the stake. People just want their parents to put a stop to that behaviour.

MySordidCakeSecret · 22/11/2015 21:53

and from their mum's attitudes it sounds like your appraisal is pretty spot on.

CoperCabana · 22/11/2015 21:55

I would speak to the school. Bullying is not acceptable, whatever age the kids are. DDs school took all the girls involved aside, plus all the girls on the fringes of the friendship groups involved (including my DD) and had some strong words with the girls, and the protagonists parents. Haven't had any trouble since.

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 21:58

I might mention it to the couple of mums I see outside school, Coper. I know one of the girls in particular has started feigning illness to try to avoid going in to school.

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Mehitabel6 · 22/11/2015 21:58

They are small children- ridiculous to call them 'alpha'.

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