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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to decline this evening invite?

85 replies

skyofdiamonds · 22/11/2015 14:55

Do I tell the truth or bend the truth?

My partner and I have been invited to an evening do of a wedding of a good friend.

It is over 300 miles away and apparently approx 4 hour drive each way on maps.

It falls on my partner's birthday weekend and therefore I was going to say I'm taking him away for a weekend and it's booked already. Except that it isn't and I have no comeback when she asks where we are going, which she will!!

We probably would have gone away anyway but also, if it were an invite for the full day, may have considered the travel up.

So do I say it's simply too far and expensive to travel or that I'm going away and it's already planned.

She's asked me three times this week if I have received post from her ( the invite) so must be keen to hear back. We do chat a fair bit each week (we live far from each other nowadays) and I don't want to offend her but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that's simply too far for a 4 hour do.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/11/2015 17:52

Why do people think they are doing you such an 'honour' to invite you to something that will involve so much time/trouble fora measly evening reception. I wouldn't dream of going to an evening do if it involved a round trip of over 600 miles Shock - even if it was a close family member. I probably wouldn't even go to a wedding and full day if it was that far. Grin

You don't need to give a reason, the correct etiquette is to formally thank her for the invitation and regret that you are unable to attend.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2015 17:58

Why do people think they are doing you such an 'honour' to invite you to something that will involve so much time/trouble

You've got a valid point, Ragwort. After all the traditional invite says "We request the honour of your presence" not the other way round!

whois · 22/11/2015 18:00

Why are you stressing about this? Just RSVP no and say you can't make it. No reason or excuse required!

Ridingthegravytrain · 22/11/2015 18:05

All my really good friends I've chatted about their weddings in advance and discussed plans etc so the date would never come as a surprise. So in your situation I wouldn't think twice about declining. That is a long way for a few hours

Any wedding I know nothing about until I receive the invite I can take or leave tbh

Alconleigh · 22/11/2015 18:08

I agree just say you're doing something for your DP's birthday. She surely can't really expect you to travel such a long way for an evening invite; even for an all day invite it would be a massive ball ache.

eddielizzard · 22/11/2015 18:09

you'll be travelling for a lot longer than you'll actually be there!

expatinscotland · 22/11/2015 18:14

'Sorry, it fall on DH's birthday and we have plans already.' And that's it. 4 hours for an evening do? No way.

32ndfloorandabitdizzy · 22/11/2015 18:27

I don't go to any evening dos. If they are not a good enough friend to go to the whole day then I don't really want to go at all.

LuluJakey1 · 22/11/2015 18:31

Just send a card that says 'Thank you for asking us. We can't come but hope you have a fantastic day and wish you lots of happiness. Will be thinking of you.'

Leave it at that.

lorelei9 · 22/11/2015 18:32

OP has already said, if she gives a note with no explanation, they'll just ring asking questions. Hence why I said just go with the birthday and say others are involved.

BuggersMuddle · 22/11/2015 18:51

Is it possible that she's expecting you to decline (but feels she ought to invite you as others who are similarly close to her, but more local will also get an evening invite)?

DP and I live quite far away from family and regularly turn down invites to evening only events (weddings, wedding anniversaries, milestone birthdays etc.). We much prefer travelling to see people individually / in small groups rather than for a piss up where we probably won't exchange much more than small talk.

I always figure if someone expected me to travel they'd give me a full invite and if I'm on the 'evening' list, they ought not to be offended if I don't prioritise my time and money getting to it. (Obviously I would RSVP and usually send a small gift).

MonstrousPippin · 22/11/2015 19:00

Might be worth checking whether it's the evening do our the main do. DH and I only had one do, and it happened to be in the evening. I had to clarify with a couple of people that they were actually invited to the main event!

celtictoast · 22/11/2015 19:02

I don't go to any evening dos. If they are not a good enough friend to go to the whole day then I don't really want to go at all.

I agree.

Mayvis · 22/11/2015 19:08

Well if it's over 300 miles away, then that's certainly a lot longer than a 4 hour drive, unless you're driving over the speed limit the whole way there.

I would politely decline. I should think she's expecting it. I don't think any of my friends or myself would travel such distance for an evening reception.

Bubbletree4 · 22/11/2015 19:11

Would you consider having the birthday weekend away somewhere in the vicinity of the wedding, so the travel costs would just be the one trip and you could go to the party?

Tbh I'm confused by the fact the you speak to her regularly but are only invited to the evening. Regular chats- close friend. Evening only- random work colleague. Confused

Do you not want to go? Is this person actually a friend?

Tbh I think the friendship would end immediately if you declined because it was dp's birthday weekend but you hadn't actually booked anything and admitted this. You'd be blowing off a wedding do for plans that aren't even made, which is offensive. As is her lack of daytime invitation. But anyway.

Miloarmadillo1 · 22/11/2015 19:16

I would not be at all surprised if many invited guests turned down an invitation to the whole wedding on the grounds it was a 600 mile/8 hour round trip. It's just rude to expect someone to travel that far for an evening!
Just RSVP "sorry we can't attend, hope you have a lovely day" and send a card and/or gift. You don't have to give a reason, but if she asks, I would be honest.

honeyroar · 22/11/2015 19:23

A lot of my friends live 300-400 miles away from me. We only had immediate family and one best friend at the wedding/day reception, basically for financial reasons and because I didn't want the pressure of lots of people there when we actually got married. 99% of my evening guests accepted and travelled/stayed over for my evening reception. We invited them all over to our house the next day for a BBQ too. Thankfully none of them felt insulted/snobby enough to turn down the invitation. I've never felt insulted by an evening invitation either.

If the meal cost £35 a head (conservative estimate!) and I had invited an extra 150 guests it would have added £5250 to the budget, which was what I spent on the whole thing. Some of us don't have thousands in the kitty. Don't be insulted by just an evening invitation.

OP just make your mind up and tell her. Personally, if it were a good friend of mine I'd make a weekend of it - find a nice hotel somewhere nearby and have an extra couple of nights there afterwards to celebrate BF's birthday.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/11/2015 19:26

Is the wedding somewhere nice? Could you combine the weekend away with the wedding?

expatinscotland · 22/11/2015 19:38

Oh, please, hundreds of miles for a poxy evening do? Just no, DP's birthday, have something planned.

Tuiles · 22/11/2015 19:45

I think the 4 hours is optimistic for 300 miles. It takes us a minimum of 5.5 hours and usually 6.5 to do the same, the majority of which is motorway/dual carriageway. Stopping only once if we can get away with it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/11/2015 19:55

honeyroar - that's a different situation from the many people who invite a large number of A-listers to the ceremony and wedding breakfast, and then the B-listers just to the evening do.

I certainly wouldn't make a 600-mile round journey just for an evening do - the hours spent travelling far outweigh the time spent at the actual event. But then again, I'd never even heard of the evening do phenomenon until I lived in the UK; it's just not a thing here.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 22/11/2015 20:00

What honey said. I travelled 200 miles each way to a friend's evening do whilst 7.5m pg and not really knowing anyone there other than the couple and DH, because the evening do was really their main celebration (close family only for ceremony and daytime meal) and she was a good friend.

By all means don't go if you don't want to, but don't assume you've been downgraded/aren't important to her day.

honeyroar · 22/11/2015 20:36

For me it's the same with any wedding invitation, day or evening. I might have done it differently, I might have not liked their style of wedding etc, but I don't feel offended. It's their day, it's how they want it, and I've been invited to celebrate it with them. If I like them I do! I've turned down a couple that were at overly expensive places that you were expected to stay two nights at £200+ per night and a long journey away, but I've travelled for many an evening do. I've also travelled for birthday parties etc.

derxa · 22/11/2015 20:47

honeyroar I love you. I bet you have many friends.

honeyroar · 22/11/2015 21:11

Lol. Aww thanks Derxa! In reality I might still grumble. I might not always go (I'm often away with work), sometimes I might not think they were a proper friend, so I wouldn't feel bad politely declining, but for a genuine friend I would try, and wouldn't feel insulted. Weddings are funny things, you never know what pressure they have from family to invite unknown aunts etc and take up numbers etc. It just saddens me a bit to see the "huh! It's only a poxy evening invite" posts, when in most cases you were thought about and wanted there.