Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to decline this evening invite?

85 replies

skyofdiamonds · 22/11/2015 14:55

Do I tell the truth or bend the truth?

My partner and I have been invited to an evening do of a wedding of a good friend.

It is over 300 miles away and apparently approx 4 hour drive each way on maps.

It falls on my partner's birthday weekend and therefore I was going to say I'm taking him away for a weekend and it's booked already. Except that it isn't and I have no comeback when she asks where we are going, which she will!!

We probably would have gone away anyway but also, if it were an invite for the full day, may have considered the travel up.

So do I say it's simply too far and expensive to travel or that I'm going away and it's already planned.

She's asked me three times this week if I have received post from her ( the invite) so must be keen to hear back. We do chat a fair bit each week (we live far from each other nowadays) and I don't want to offend her but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that's simply too far for a 4 hour do.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/11/2015 16:02

Not the same situation, but I invited a number of people from a long way away to come to my 50th birthday party this year. I knew it was a long way for them to come, and was not offended at all when some couldn't come - but I wanted them to know that they are special to me, and that I wanted to share the special occasion with them.

Hopefully your friend will be the same.

derxa · 22/11/2015 16:03

There must be a lovely hotel near the wedding venue. Make a weekend of it. Life's too short.

HelloItsMeAgain · 22/11/2015 16:06

If the actual ceremony is in a church you could also attend that, pootle off with your DH for the afternoon and then attend the evening do. If you want to. If ceremony is in a hotel then not so easy.

I am with others - if you want to go then you could make it part of your DH's birthday weekend if you like - go away close to the wedding for the weekend and part of it is a night out.

If you don't want to go "I am really sorry, we already have plans booked for that weekend so are unable to join you. Thank you for the invitation and hope you have a marvellous day."

Why is this an issue?

AyeAmarok · 22/11/2015 16:06

You: Hi friend, got your beautiful invitation. I'm sorry but it's the same weekend as DP's birthday and we're going away then. Hope you have a lovely day. Xx

Friend: oh that's a shame! Where are you off to?

You: It's a surprise! He doesn't know so I'm keeping schtum, for a while at least ;)

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2015 16:06

300 miles for a party? Nope.

"We're so so sorry, but we won't be able to make it. It's DP's birthday and we've already got plans made. Maybe later we can get together for dinner to celebrate your marriage."

Plans made = we're going to so something, we just haven't made the arrangements yet.

Donthate · 22/11/2015 16:07

Just say sorry we can't make it

wowfudge · 22/11/2015 16:08

I had a very similar invitation to the evening do of someone I considered to be a good friend many years ago. I declined as I thought it was completely thoughtless/an afterthought to ask someone to travel hundreds of miles for a party and not the whole wedding, although I didn't say that was why I couldn't go. Sent a card and a present. Never got so much as a thank you or heard from them ever again! I took that as meaning my decision had been the right one. Why do people do this kind of thing?

OddBoots · 22/11/2015 16:10

Is the wedding venue a place where you might go for a weekend away?

Merguez · 22/11/2015 16:10

If you don't go to the wedding reception, you really don't need to send a present either.

OhPillocks · 22/11/2015 16:21

I usually don't like to tell lies but I think it's ok for you to be already booked for this weekend. It's a little harmless lie to save someone's feelings. I'd follow raffles suggestion.

I'd send a card but probably not send a present. I might treat them to a catch up meal at a later date.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 22/11/2015 16:32

Would you feel guilty at not wanting to travel that far for a birthday party? Because just the evening do is essentially no more important.

Just lie and say you've booked a weekend away. If she asks where give a vague answer - cornwall. When the time comes she probably won't remember to ask about it. And if she does you can always say you had a last minute change and went to X instead.

Rafflesway · 22/11/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hackmum · 22/11/2015 16:40

Oh goodness, yes. Just "I'm sorry I can't make it" is fine or "I'm sorry, it's DP's birthday and we've already got something planned." You don't need to say anything more than that. If she asks, just lie. She's hardly going to give you the third degree about it afterwards - will probably be much more interested in talking about her own wedding.

Unless she's having a very small wedding, asking someone to travel that distance just for an evening do is a bit much.

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/11/2015 16:41

Four hours for a finger buffet? Hell, no.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/11/2015 16:51

I would have the weekend away at the same place as the wedding. Two birds, one stone. If you are willing to travel far away for your DP's birthday then why not make it far away in the direction of the wedding reception?

amicissimma · 22/11/2015 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 22/11/2015 17:00

OP, you don't have to say that you are going far away for the weekend - you could just say you have something special planned and you invited other people.

it is very far for an evening invitation.

RandomMess · 22/11/2015 17:02

Presumably you could go to the ceremony as well - certainly if it's in a church they can't stop you!!!

I would actually combine it with a weekend away.

KitKat1985 · 22/11/2015 17:04

I agree. Just say you are busy. I wouldn't travel 4 hours for an evening-only invite.

magoria · 22/11/2015 17:07

Just say thank you for the invite, sorry we can't make it, we wish you all the best.

If you are asked why not, just say you already have a prior engagement.

BackforGood · 22/11/2015 17:19

I don't understand why you can't make his birthday weekend treat be in the town that your friend's wedding is. That way you can go to the service if you wish (although don't have to if you don't) , spend the day as you wish, enjoy the evening do with your friend, and a nice weekend away with your partner, investigating a different area of the Country from where you live.

Of course, if you don't want to go, then don't, but it's not impossible to enjoy spending an evening at a friend's wedding reception.

ivykaty44 · 22/11/2015 17:23

Tbh you're not that good friends as you didn't get an invite to her wedding.

I would be honest, a drive that long for a four hour party is to far, especially near Xmas ( guessing invites are 6 weeks prior?)

Then send a present in post with card if you wish

eddielizzard · 22/11/2015 17:34

i would be honest and say it's your dp's birthday weekend, it's a long way for just a couple of hours. sorry, but hope she has a good time. you'll toast her.

Pythonesque · 22/11/2015 17:36

300 miles is only going to be about 4 hours drive if you are on motorways the entire way and don't run into traffic ...

rogueantimatter · 22/11/2015 17:36

Are you definitely sure that she's inviting guests to the marriage ceremony/meal?