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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair?

17 replies

MissPiggyLovesKermit · 21/11/2015 21:55

Two things.

I live about 40 mins by tube away from friend, she works 9-5, I don't currently.

Because of this I have travelled to a local class with her (in her area)a couple of eves a week. I always pay beforehand and on the odd occasion I have unfortunately missed it as it is a trek for me. If this happens I always stay in the area to meet her for food after, and apologise.

Is it therefore fair that she should get annoyed with me about this? (Genuine question!)

Secondly, in return, I invited her for dinner at mine to apologise and she made a flimsy excuse as to why she could not come. I know the reason was because I love far away. I do get it but feel a bit Confused - she's happy for me to trek to her but won't consider coming to me. Obviously she has a job but the principle still applies, it feels like I'm always the one doing the legwork.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsworth · 21/11/2015 22:08

She sounds a bit precious to me. You make the effort to go to the class, sometimes miss it but hang on anyway to catch up with her?

WRT meeting up, I could understand if you're asking her during the working week, but not at the weekends. Suggest meeting somewhere between the two of you and see what she says, if it's still no then I'd see this as a one way friendship.

Original poster
MissPiggyLovesKermit · 21/11/2015 22:11

Ta Kitty, yeah to be fair to her she always meets halfway, on weeknights and weekends. But I find it a bit unfair that she gets annoyed with me being late when I live quite far away anyway and still do make the effort to see her?!

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 22/11/2015 00:14

Do you text her if you're late/not turning up?

I say this as someone who does a lot of exercise classes with people I see regularly, but don't have phone numbers for. We get each other out mats/weights, etc.

I get irked if I save a space and get equipment out for someone and they don't turn up. They don't have to turn up - I've made an assumption. But they're grateful when they do come (and they come most weeks).

Original poster
MissPiggyLovesKermit · 22/11/2015 00:23

No I always text and apologise profusely!

She doesn't have to save equipment for me and the nature of the class is that it's a fairly big group and silent - it's very meditative and we don't (can't) sit together.

OP posts:
caroldecker · 22/11/2015 00:24

why are you late? children/work issues acceptable, left the house late because i couldn't be arsed less so

Original poster
MissPiggyLovesKermit · 22/11/2015 00:29

Fair enough Carol, I'm late because it's a long journey and sometimes there are delays. I rely on the tube to get there and it's 40 mins so only late by 5 mins or so, never more. I've pre paid for the class so believe me it's not something im keen to do!

Just think she could have more empathy given I'm the one making the trek. When roles are reversed and she comes to me, she had been consistently late. Consistently. And I always say it's no problem because I know how far it is

OP posts:
Justanotherlurker · 22/11/2015 00:37

yanbu, it's give and take, does she put the effort into coming to see you?

Sometimes shit happens, the treck can be disrupted by the smallest detail and it's a snowball situation.

Leelu6 · 22/11/2015 06:47

OP, did your friend recently have a sports event at work that you and another friend didn't attend even though you were staying at her place?

YANBU, btw.

HortonWho · 22/11/2015 06:58

I'm sorry but 40 min is not a huge treck. Most people in my office have longer journeys to work. It must literally be from one end of a tube line to another, so it feels really long, rather than a combination of waking /tube /bus.

I think your friend being late is different because she's not coming to a class that starts at a specific time. And your excuse that sometimes there's delays on the tube....er, that's everyday life. You know that saying there's a minute and there's a tube minute.

Topsy44 · 22/11/2015 07:31

I don't think yrbu. It seems to me that your friend likes it all one way. Friendship is about give and take.

If she can't make the effort to come over to you so it's 50/50 then I would back off from her a bit and see what happens.

Enjolrass · 22/11/2015 07:34

I am pretty sure your friend posted about, a couple of months ago. Exact same situation. Hobby that the friend prepaid for and occasionally missed due to a travelling on the tube, but if she was late would hang around and wait for her.

She was very precious. Yanbu, sometimes suit happens and it does sound like you put yourself out for her and she doesn't give a shit.

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/11/2015 07:52

I have this, where I feel I put myself out more than others to cover the distance between us, in itself that can be hurtful, but to be sulked at because I'm not making the effort fast enough would be too much for me.

witsender · 22/11/2015 08:05

I'd travel 40 mins for work, but not for an exercise class. The two are very different.

mrsjanedoe · 22/11/2015 08:39

Odd. If you are 5mn late, you cannot join the class, and are therefore wasting your time, and money? Most people have to travel more than 40mn, it's no big deal, but most would plan for delays and avoid a wasted trip.

Is your friend working 9 to 5? (do these still exist?) or is it an expression, and is more likely stuck in the office until 7, 8 or later? If she does finish early at 5, then of course she could come to see you for diner. If she does work long hours, then I understand her reluctance.

To be fair to her, she might feel that if you are lucky enough not to work whilst she is, you have more energy to do a quick trip in the evening than she has.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 22/11/2015 08:49

I don't get it. Why does she care if you're in the class or not?
I do a yoga class with a friend but couldn't really give a shit if she's there or not ... In the nicest possible way Grin. I'm doing the class for me, not so that I can see her, although obviously it is nice to see her. If that makes sense?!

tacky · 22/11/2015 09:22

I had a friend like this. I would only see them if I made all the travel effort.

Everytime it was their turn to come and see me some big drama would happen which resulted in them not being able to make it.

It is hard to believe in a friendship once you realise you are required to make all the effort and you alone

DoreenLethal · 22/11/2015 11:11

If you are late can you not just slip into the class quietly?

I'd make plans to have a more local class and meet up with her on different occasions, taking turns to meet in each other's areas.

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