... To be upset with my friends?

[MarmiteAndButter]

We are expats and as such friendships are perhaps more intense and important than it would be at home.
We are very good friends with two other local couples and often do things as a six some. We are all outgoing and a bit hedonistic. Childcare is no problem as we have maids we can leave the children with on an evening when they are asleep so we can go out a lot. We also do things with the children too I hasten to add, and this is important.
My youngest daughter is friends with couple b's only child. They go to the same school and play at the playground together most evenings before supper. They are very similar in personality. Tbh they are both "spirited children" and tend to be a bit noisy together at parties.
The six of us have a whatsapp group where we send jokes and discuss events and things we have planned.
Sometimes we also do things as a foursome in the different combinations, but it is always something the other couple wouldn't like, for example the non native English speaking couple didn't come and watch a British comedian with us as it wouldn't be funny to them.
Yesterday afternoon and night though couples B and C had a large BBQ with lots of other people and loss of kids. And they didn't invite us. Deliberately so. The kids started earlier and swam first.
I don't know why exactly we weren't invited other than their daughter had a strop about my daughter and didn't want her there. But who lets a small child dictate what adults attend? And with so many people there were lots of other options for them to play with if they really were having a tiff.
I felt very hurt tbh as I had been alone all week with DH working abroad and I felt so relaxed and happy in our mutual friendship, I wouldn't ever have guessed we'd be cut out of something.
I know catering for a few more or less would not have been the issue.
I had a bit of a cry about it actually as I felt it was a bit mean of them. Of course they are free to invite or not whomever they like, but it seemed to be just so deliberate that I was shocked about it. Earlier occasions this sort of thing happened, it sort of happened by accident and more spontaneously and I shrugged it off as nothing personal. But this time wasn't.
In the evening I took both me and DH off the whatsapp group.
I know that was petty of me and I feel awful about it now. I wish I hadn't.
Nobody has said anything about it since.
How do I say I regret having a flounce? Should I just leave it for now as a bit of a break might be the best thing? Like a week or so?
The idea of never doing anything with them again makes me feel sad.
We DO have other friends, but not as close. I am also friendly with loads more I occasionally socialise with, like school mums.
Tbh it's been a day and I miss them and what we had already 😔 I wish I hadn't have been so petty as I am ready to just laugh it off today. But I still don't really understand why they did that.

Agree wholeheartedly with BathtimeFunkster - to leave out special friends who they see regularly in much smaller groups from such a big, "public" event seems like a calculated insult. That sort of thing is both baffling and confidence-shaking. I'm not at all surprised at you feeling so hurt - I would be too.

You know how you said that you often go out as a six some, but sometimes it is a four some because one couple may not enjoy it?
Could it possibly have been that maybe it is always one of the other two couples that dont attend, and so they never actually have a four some?

I do not think yabu about this and can understand why you are upset. I would have to find out what the issue is. From your post, it does seem like the issue is down to the two children together. As understanding as you are about their behaviour - it might seriously be doing their heads in

Total aside, but as the OP has said the weather has just started to cool down and the grass died in summer, I'd assume that they're N hemisphere, not S hemisphere. I am S hemisphere, and the weather is starting to seriously heat up now. 43 degrees on Friday! FFS.

I hope that you can get to the bottom of this, either by your own efforts or surreptitiously using DH to ask, and hope it resolves amicably.

Thank you so much 👍🏻
lightupmylife Urm, think the most liberal place in the Middle East, as I wouldn't want this coming up in a place specific search. It's actually not somewhere I'd have gone to on holiday, although it's extremely popular for that, but living here is amazing. We turned up like everyone else thinking we wouldn't need a maid, and then found one that really wanted to live with us through friends. We are her "last family" and then she retires home and starts her own fishing business. After my initial reaction to being called "Mam" she has never tried that again as I couldn't cope with that and think it degrading, and we do a lot of things differently to other families.
BlueJug I was supposed to be in London this week and I actually miss the feeling of rain. Damp and miserable Novembers though, probably not.
FatMomma Sorry, it's the way I explained it and actually I am not sure which couple I am now, even though I wrote the post... No one couple gets left out of anything they'd want to go to I thought, and it's very mixed up.
pata I have no idea 😂 Perhaps I really am a special snowflake?? tried it again then but maybe it was a one time fluke?
ontheedgetoday It hadn't really been like that.
Maybe I am too outgoing, whoever mentioned that :-(
Right, lots of things to think about.
thumbwitches my ideal would be six months winter here, six months winter in the south. It goes to 50 here, although officially it's always 49.5! The AC breaking down quickly became my worst nightmare.

Sorry, answered wrong people/questions: I need coffee.
The charity thing wasn't meant like that, just that I do have other outlets with other people and a different focus. I worded it badly sorry.

And it seems emojis do work for me 🙈

Grrrrrr massive fail at doing names.
But thank you very much! I feel a lot better having asked a random lots of people on the internet about it ;-)

I'm sure being an expat is really hard, and that you really do need friends. You mentioned that you all have maids. How much contact does your maid have with her friends? I'm assuming she is an expat too. Is she cleaning for you all day and then housebound at night looking after your children while you attend bbq's? There's nothing wrong with paying someone a good wage to do your housework, but it concerns me that you are feeling lonely and left out but that you don't seem to give a thought to the poor expat woman who is unable to socialise herself and who is probably crying herself to sleep missing her own children. Of course, I could be totally wrong, and you might have a day maid and an evening maid, in which case I take my comments back. Do unto others...

😊 I am a child and love a emoji.

Sorry you're having a hard time OP, have some🕸🌨💨

harshbuttrue No, I'm glad you brought it up in case anyone else was wondering that.
Urm, if you can read between the lines here, our maid is "very good friends" with another maid and they spend all their time together. They are both in their last jobs, and then plan on retiring back home and starting a fishing business together, which they are saving for.
We pay over triple what the guidelines are as I was a bit horrified about how low that was, and they both get two days off a week rather than the one the government says they should have. They also have a month's bonus every year and flights paid to go home for a whole month while still being paid too. Ours is about to do that for over Christmas and she is so excited 😀 They don't have children (that must be awful for those who do!)
We don't ask much, and the way I freaked when she called me "Mam" means she has never tried that with me again 😂
I also swear I am the only expat locally who walks her own dog and takes her own children to the playground, but I love that too much to delegate.
I also always put my own kids to bed. Well, not the teenager obviously... And we don't have a baby or toddler so all babysitting is is just being in the same house.
The first time my little one said I love you to our helper, we both cried. My children are very close to her indeed, and also her best friend who is remarkably good at fancy French braiding and has started giving me lessons on school hair plaiting...!
I promise we are a very good family as all my friends are to their helpers. The relationship is an odd one to get used to. But by coming here, maids earn more than a bank manager would back where they live if you convert it. That is an opportunity for them to support family back home or to save for a long term plan.
Other employers, sadly not so like us and I hear stories that makes my heart ache 😞 Maids on practically nothing and made to sleep on the kitchen floor.
Ours has own bedroom, bathroom, entrance outside and satellite tv for all their home channels.
We came here thinking we would never have a live in maid, but it happened almost by accident when her last family she'd been with for 15 years moved away. And I am so happy it works.

Emojis!! How do you dothat????

👻😡😸

Sorry to derail your thread, Marmite. I really am sympathetic to your plight. Your maid sounds fab, btw, and it's clearly not a 'master and servant' type relationship.

I hope your friends come back to you, and this incident is sorted and put firmly in the past.

They worked!!!!!

Well, at least something good is coming out of this thread!

And I thought I was a special snowflake with the emojis 🙄
Do they now work site wide? I may have to do some photo bombing equivalent to find out.

I totally stand corrected about your maid... I know people who live in UAE, and some really do seem to leave their morals behind as soon as they leave the UK. I've always thought if it was me that I would choose to treat a helper as i would treat a live-in housekeeper if i was lucky enough to have one - defined hours of work, and freedom to come and go and have a life outside of those hours. I have a boss at work but they aren't my owner, so if I employed someone, why would I want to own them? It horrifies me that some people are happy just to have someone on call 24/7 just because they can get away with it because there are people in such dire poverty that they'll accept those conditions. From what you've said though, it seems like you're not one of those people and that you are genuinely nice :-)

As an aside, and because it sounds like you need an interest outside of your friends and because you do sound nice, maybe you could do some voluntary work for a charity that looks to improve women's living conditions in hte country you're in? I have an expat friend who does this in India and it has given her a real purpose.

I do harshbuttrue I am heavily involved in a charity that works with construction workers to improve their lives.
It is something none of my friends do, which was picked up on further up, but I only meant it in meaning it was utterly separate to this friendship group and involving other adults I was working with. A little known fact is there is a whole camp of female construction workers here. They are never seen publically working, but they do the tough stuff out of sight, or work throughout the night. Never visible. We do simple things like sanpro and toiletry collections for them, but also try and make a difference in other ways.
And yes, a maid is just like a live in house keeper, or ideally anyway.

I do think you are over invested. Who are you ignoring on these nights out? Whos feelings are you hurting when the pics hit FB? Have a think about it.
You wont be the only one left out, and you could be doing that.

sally I think you misunderstood. I have never ignored anyone.

sally for example the mutual conversation about comedy went:
"Michael Mckintyre is doing a show here"
"In English?"
"Yes"
"With English jokes?"
"Yup"
"I don't think we'd get it..."
"So just us four will go then that night"

What about people outside the 6?

Sorry Sally I am not sure what you mean? Do you mean the friends I have that only know me or me and DH and not the other couples at all? I am not sure they'd give a flying fuck? They are too busy having nights out with their close friends. Some of which combine spontaneously with us and we may have a party or a club where I'll randomly know most people there through one way or another.
That was not the question. This was about a particular group of close friends of mine.

How are you feeling about it today op, have you managed to get back on whatsapp?

OK let me give you an example - there was a group of woman i was part of that, i never really organised things, but got invited. Cue pics on FB. ... every time. Then I would be approached by A and B sonetimes C who didnt know, werent invited, i dont know why, couldnt answer them. But it annoyed me, i felt by the FB posts it was mean to the others, as i was there excluding them. So I deleted FB and dropped baxk from this group, and have much nicer friends who dont feel the need to advertise their lives, and include as many as possible. Any invite i do send always says ... this is who i text ... have i missed anyone? I supppse the point is, while you are busy with the group of 6, there will be others feeling as you do now. But you wont be thinking of them or how they feel. And I think you cant see other friendships because youre not looking.

No I don't think (and I hope) it's not like that sally. I feel I have room in my life for so many more close friends but I just haven't felt that with the other many women I know and like very much
I did feel a connection with these two couples immediately, and it just grew from that.
I do similar to you and try and think about people I may have missed out on invitations and I try and always err on the side of being welcoming and polite.
I do have many other friendships and it's not that I am not looking, but more just that there wasn't that initial click.
But then, as was the point of this post, I was wrong about that.
But I am trying to fix it.