... To be upset with my friends?

[MarmiteAndButter]

We are expats and as such friendships are perhaps more intense and important than it would be at home.
We are very good friends with two other local couples and often do things as a six some. We are all outgoing and a bit hedonistic. Childcare is no problem as we have maids we can leave the children with on an evening when they are asleep so we can go out a lot. We also do things with the children too I hasten to add, and this is important.
My youngest daughter is friends with couple b's only child. They go to the same school and play at the playground together most evenings before supper. They are very similar in personality. Tbh they are both "spirited children" and tend to be a bit noisy together at parties.
The six of us have a whatsapp group where we send jokes and discuss events and things we have planned.
Sometimes we also do things as a foursome in the different combinations, but it is always something the other couple wouldn't like, for example the non native English speaking couple didn't come and watch a British comedian with us as it wouldn't be funny to them.
Yesterday afternoon and night though couples B and C had a large BBQ with lots of other people and loss of kids. And they didn't invite us. Deliberately so. The kids started earlier and swam first.
I don't know why exactly we weren't invited other than their daughter had a strop about my daughter and didn't want her there. But who lets a small child dictate what adults attend? And with so many people there were lots of other options for them to play with if they really were having a tiff.
I felt very hurt tbh as I had been alone all week with DH working abroad and I felt so relaxed and happy in our mutual friendship, I wouldn't ever have guessed we'd be cut out of something.
I know catering for a few more or less would not have been the issue.
I had a bit of a cry about it actually as I felt it was a bit mean of them. Of course they are free to invite or not whomever they like, but it seemed to be just so deliberate that I was shocked about it. Earlier occasions this sort of thing happened, it sort of happened by accident and more spontaneously and I shrugged it off as nothing personal. But this time wasn't.
In the evening I took both me and DH off the whatsapp group.
I know that was petty of me and I feel awful about it now. I wish I hadn't.
Nobody has said anything about it since.
How do I say I regret having a flounce? Should I just leave it for now as a bit of a break might be the best thing? Like a week or so?
The idea of never doing anything with them again makes me feel sad.
We DO have other friends, but not as close. I am also friendly with loads more I occasionally socialise with, like school mums.
Tbh it's been a day and I miss them and what we had already 😔 I wish I hadn't have been so petty as I am ready to just laugh it off today. But I still don't really understand why they did that.

I'm an expat too and I really think you need to back off for a few days to get out of that intense bubble.
Then either slowly regroup but for actual activities like a trip to the movies not some sort of Chinese whispers of a what's app group or take a step back and consider that you were more invested than they were.
There could be a hundred and one reasons you weren't invited (not necessarily about spirited children or some playgroup spat) but what matters at the moment is your reaction - it's just a BBQ, and your possibly feeling a bit lost of adult company of DH is travelling - whatever, just take a step back. This may sound harsh but youre right expat friendships are very intense, this one may just need a bit of a break.

In my experience, and this may not be so in your case, 'spirited' is a euphemism for badly behaved. It sounds like the root may be in the relationship between the two little girls.

I think you probably live where I do OP, glorious weather and perfect for BBQs!

But friendships here can be intense and all consuming very easily and the slightest disagreement blown out of all proportion. I would leave it a few days to all calm down then message saying you were just a bit offended and you didn't mean to overreact. Maybe they were inviting a group of friends with other interests? Also maybe they find it too much if the DCs are 'spirited' and didn't want to deal with that in front of other people? Or felt you'd want time as a family of your DH had been away?

And yes there are a lot of hideously behaved kids here (if we are same place) but that doesn't mean it's ok to let your standards slip.......

I do see your point and understand your upset but try putting yourself in their shoes just for a moment - if it was YOUR DD that felt hurt/angry/upset/whatever by their DD, would you then allow their DD to come to a party, where she might further upset yours? Would you honestly? Or would you think twice about potentially causing your DD more upset?

I know it's never nice to think that our children might have upset someone else's children, and indeed it might not even be the case - but if that IS what happened then do try and see their point of view.

It's not really allowing the child to "dictate" the invitee list, more they don't want to cause their child more upset.

I feel for you because it is extremely hurtful to be excluded like that. I hope that you can, in a couple of days, find a way to resolve it.

I think it's hurtful and that you should ask why you weren't invited. But as others have said, you need to get out more, away from your tiny expat bubble - make more friends, take up different hobbies or get a job. I've been an expat in a number of countries, and it is always the non-working wives that become over-invested in friendships - it felt like being back at school on some occasions. And the chances are, once you move on, you'll never hear from them or see them again anyway.

Thank you so much.

I do have many separate hobbies, other friends (not as close as I said, as I don't feel as close a connection), other interests and some work as well

And no, that's not what I hope will happen. I'd actually be gutted if I moved on and never heard from them again. As I said, you get close to a few people only in my experience and lose the rest, apart from FB or a quick catch up.

Yup, maybe they feel it is just the four of them in this and we are the optional ones. I don't know.

I actually started this thread thinking I WAS actually being unreasonable 😂 Unlike almost every other thread on here. I feel awful I behaved in such a petty way and left the text group.

But yes, a step back I think in the hope I can have a better friendship with them later on (and I do hope that). Perhaps we have all just utterly misunderstood each other?

Sorry you feel hurt. However much we think it would be grown up not to care about this stuff, we do. It's normal. As others have said, it could be anything - maybe they are less happy about the 'spirited' behaviour of your two together and what to curb it not fuel it, so are backing off a bit. they may not have wanted their daughter wound up and misbehaving at a big party where she may be judged by calmer families, whereas in a small group it's manageable. or they may have thought your DH was still away - some people only invite the full set for some reason. Or the BBQ was for a certain group of friends and then they added the other family as they knew the other guests better? Who knows?

But being so invested in friendship with two other couples sounds a bit claustrophobic. It's easy to tell that our lives are out of balance if the loss of one thing creates a huge hole. If missing a BBQ really hurts, then you need to strengthen your life in lots of other areas, so it stops meaning so much. Can you work? Volunteer? Study? Increase other hobbies or sports? If you focus on having about five or six aspects of your life that are equally fulfilling to you, then the loss of one will feel less traumatic.

Widen your social circle and your DC's circle. And help your child calm down. Children who dive bomb others in the pool aren't necessarily seen by others as spirited. It comes over as brash and thoughtless, or, to a timid swimmer as bullying. You sound nice and I doubt you'd want you or your child to be seen as hard work by others.

Arghhh, I am now utterly over thinking this I know.
I do charity work, that none of these friends do. In an area that means a lot to me and I am passionate about.
And we knew everyone else at the BBQ and all the kids and there is not an introvert or a weak swimmer among them.
These are also our own pools and we adults dive bomb occasionally too after a lot of wine

I will back off for a while. And also I will re read all your replies tomorrow too and have a good ponder.

Thank you so much!

maybe your dh can ask another h what's up?

amarmai I think my DH is silently rolling his eyes at this while simultaneously being utterly jet lagged
But yes, I hope he does.

I'd have to ask them. I couldn't leave it like that. If you're that close then you deserve an answer. Sounds lovely where you are...where are you :)

I'd have to ask if I were you. If you're that close you deserve an explanation. Sounds lovely where you are....where are you :)

I do charity work, that none of these friends do. In an area that means a lot to me and I am passionate about.

Whats that got to do with it?

I think she means she has other interests than just the friends?

I personally wouldn't see any kids - or adults - divebombing in the pool as spirited: though if their DC is badly behaved, that might not be what bothers them - perhaps they just need a change from the incestuous life that can be in insular expat communities? I'm sorry it's hurt you, but seeing as you've flounced off Whatsapp, I would just continue with your merry way, doing your charity work and following your own interests, and then issue an invitation to them in a week or two, or whatever would be the "normal" pattern and just brazen it out.

Unless you or your friends are the sort who might do this successfully sober but then be the sort that gets eaten away at by things like this, and end up deciding that when everyone's seven sheets (you've mentioned drinking sessions a number of times in your posts - so I assume there is something of a drinking culture to part of the friendship at least: excuse me if this isn't the case) to the wind is a good time to try to resolve the issue ( though probably better, on balance, than divebombing in the pool after a drinking session - you guys certainly aren't risk averse...)

If that's likely to happen, then get the women (assuming that it's the DHs who are working: if not, the other SAHP) together for coffee or lunch, and have it out in a civilised way. Do it face to face, too - far easier to sort out any potential misunderstandings this way than over text etc

I can see why you are upset, I would be, too. And I may have flounced as well.

I think it's probably best to ask them about it, because speculation will only get you so far.

I get how you feel OP. There are a few women I have been friendly with for about 3 years, but lately I have noticed they are doing more and more together and I am never included. It hurts tbh as I can't understand why. They are always friendly and chatty, 1 more so when no one else is there and it's fine when I am arranging something for them all to come but I never get included in their plans. Funnily enough I think it's to do with our children as well, I'm sure one of them doesn't like my child and she is the one more likely to arrange stuff.

I probably would have reacted as you have. I desperately want to delete my Facebook because I am fed up of seeing stuff on there but I use it for groups and stuff and would be a bit lost without some stuff on there, the people I could do without though!

maybe they just didn't want to deal with two 'spirited' kids and any more fallouts. If their dd was upset then they probably didn't want to upset her anymore?
But now that a little fight between them happened and then you leaving the whatsapp group might just confirm any reservations they have.
Just leave it for a few days and then maybe send them a message .

Your feelings are hurt because they were rude and mean.

To leave out one of your best friends from a big party is a pretty big and public statement about how you feel about them.

It wasn't remotely petty to leave the WhatsApp group.

Don't go crawling about begging them to still like you.

You have been offered a very clear and unambiguous insult.

You know that, they know it, the other couple knows it, and most of the people at the barbecue know it.

Stay the fuck away from them and spend your time with people who value you.

Good friends do not act this way.

Am I the only one wondering where this paradise of pools and maids and BBQs is? Jealous? Me? Ok - yes.... London in November - not so lovely.

Good luck OP - hope that you sort it out.

Sounds like SA to me, BlueJug.

I agree with lots of comments on here, and for me, this said it very well:
"Oh Marmite.
This kind of thing does hurt, it brings back all the insecurities of being young again, doesn't it?"

But not in common with lots of threads on here, I have another thought too. Not to be mean, but I think the people most wronged are couple C, who have to watch you and couple B socialising without them, and are expected to take it on the chin. But the second YOU are left out, you defriend yourself from groups (understand you regret that impulse, but you did it) and post on here.

How do you think couple C felt about all your nights out, just you and couple B?

I'm not saying this to be nasty, just to give you another viewpoint. Also, the person I most admire (and like) is the person who has the courage to "name" things. But REALLY think how you do it (often when I try to explain to friends how I'm hurt by an action, they end up getting all huffy and mis-understanding what it is I'm upset about), so think REALLY carefully about exactly what it is that hurt your feelings.
And then just tell them you felt hurt. That's ok.

Yanbu. True friends don't act like that. And some people do let children dictate things- they usually regret it later on ime.

Sorry to derail, and sorry about the shitty friend situation OP but how on earth did you get a real emoji to work on MN?