Teenage dd and mobile phone

[Teenagecrisisagain]

Dd is 14

She is on her phone constantly. We have told her that due to the fact she's always tired and unable to get up for school that from now on sun-thu she has to give us her phone at 930pm and go to bed

She is threatening to run away because of this and threw things at me today.
I don't think 930 pm school nights is too early? What time do similar aged dcs go to bed ?

AIBU about this? I'm just sick and tired of her walking all over us

Let her have her phone, but not the charger.

Typically it takes around an hour for a phone to charge so if she gets up at 7am then she will have ample time for her phone to charge.

The early she is up the more life in her phone.

I can sympathise as my 15 year old ds thinks he can do what he likes. It is a constant battleground with him at home and at school just to get him to adhere to basic rules. The only consequences that work are denial of priveliges, such as phone and console deprivation and refusal of entry of his friends. Hope things improve for you soon xx

It does seem odd to me but that's probably because my whole childhood and teenage years were based on strict rules, no privacy and being locked in frequently as dm was a control freak and emotionally abusive.
It's been hard to know how to parent my own dcs given the experiences I've had.

I wasn't even badly behaved or asking much as a teenager but I was just not allowed any friends in the house or out except to go to school up to age 16 . When I went to college dm couldn't cope and I started to go out so she locked me in.
Aged 18 I had a job and got a phone and she took my charger so I couldn't use it. I think all this has led me to perhaps be more lenient with dd sometimes to avoid repeating what dm did to me. It's hard when you have no positive experience to draw on so I'm lucky in that I've had some great advice on this thread

Sorry but you sound very weak, you should have dealt with her throwing the bag at you not called your DH back. For that I would have confiscated my ds (14) phone for a month. He knows if he even thinks about acting in an aggressive or violent manner to me there will be serious consequences. You need to assert yourself and get control of her.

You do sound lenient. Your Mum sounds horrible but I think you need to try and not let it effect how you parent your DD. She has been violent towards you, that is NOT normal and means you have to do something positive. Her behaviour has given you a good reason to implement some rules regarding her phone.

You should take control of her phone by setting up the restrictions passcode yourself. It's crazy that your DD is allowed to have control of it. She can access ANYTHING she wants on the Internet.

My 14 yr old is at boarding school and they all have their phones taken off them at 9:30pm each night for that very reason. It's a fairly new policy brought in because the girls were staying up too late and exhausted the following day. YADNBU

I sympathise OP, given your upbringing.

However you seen o have gone to far the other way, which can be as equally damaging.

What consequences have you implemented for her throwing her bag at you?

The phone issue seems in hand for now, but that can not be ignored.

I think the mistake has been with every parenting choice I've thought 'what would dm have done' and then done the opposite

Of course, it all seemed fine as dd behaved well, got what she wanted and continued to be good as she was getting her way. Once o then tried to put any rules in place she went mad. It is my mistake

We both spoke to her about the bag throwing. She is still restricted with going out due to us not trusting her to tell the truth about where she is but we also told her it will be carried in longer due to her violent outburst and that till Xmas it will only be school and friends houses not shopping, concerts or similar as a punishment

She has said she accepts the phone curfew completely which is a turnaround and we had no issues last night

Teenagecrisisagain I am thinking of you and hope that things turn out well for you and your family. You are not weak - it is hard to know what to do when your DD does something like throwing a bag at you whilst screaming. The shock and bewilderment renders you virtually incapable and I have been in the situation you describe. Unfortunately, she doesn't respect DH any more than she does me, so calling him doesn't work. She sees us as pathetic, useless and our sole reason for existing is to make her miserable and to control her. She wants to meet these fb friends, she wants to post pictures of herself so she gets the "likes" and the "oh, you're so pretty" comments, she wants to be left alone to do whatever she wants like her RL friends are, and she hates absolutely anything that DH and I like.

She mocks me on fb statuses and fb messenger and it's very hurtful. She had a new (seemingly) nice friend over to stay on Saturday and, whilst she was being so sweet to our faces, she was on fb telling everyone that she was trapped and we make her so depressed. That seems to bring out the sympathisers to comfort her.

I really hope things become better for you. Please check her phone thoroughly. My reluctance to "invade DD's privacy" has cost us dear and my intervention has come too late. My God it hurts.