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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage dd and mobile phone

84 replies

Teenagecrisisagain · 20/11/2015 19:54

Dd is 14

She is on her phone constantly. We have told her that due to the fact she's always tired and unable to get up for school that from now on sun-thu she has to give us her phone at 930pm and go to bed

She is threatening to run away because of this and threw things at me today.
I don't think 930 pm school nights is too early? What time do similar aged dcs go to bed ?

AIBU about this? I'm just sick and tired of her walking all over us

OP posts:

coconutpie · 20/11/2015 20:33

She smacked you with her school bag? Her phone needs to be confiscated for a while after that, and all other privileges removed. That is completely unacceptable. Stop being a soft touch. Otherwise she'll keep treating you like dirt. I'm actually gobsmacked she hit you with her school bag. That behaviour is not on.

coconutpie · 20/11/2015 20:35

Oh and the solution is glaring you in the face - if the only thing she cares about is her phone, then when she behaves like a brat then that is taken away. That'll make her think twice about behaving like that again.

CocktailQueen · 20/11/2015 20:35

Right. I'd take the phone away for a week. She can catch up on sleep and do other stuff that's more valuable than being on a phone all the time. She's clearly sleep deprived. You have no way of knowing how much she's been accessing the internet etc at night - and we don't know what effects prolonged exposure to phones does to developing brains.

But people can become addicted to them, and that sounds like what's happened here.

When she earns the phone back for good behaviour limit its use? You are the adult! I'd take it from her every eve at 8 - dc need time to wind down after screens before bed.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 20:36

I foresee bad times ahead for you if you do not toughen up

You sound frightened of her

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 20:37

It is the first rule of parenting

Suss out what makes them tick, what they love to do

Take it away if they do not conform to a reasonable baseline of behaviour

Chucking stuff about and hurting you is not reasonable behaviour so the phone goes

Original poster

Teenagecrisisagain · 20/11/2015 20:38

It's not fright as such I think it's shock

She has literally turned from a well behaved child into a monster in the blink of an eye it's just horrible
I don't know how to deal with it I can't actually believe some of the things she says and does

I do need to grow a pair I agree. I cannot let it get anymore out of hand

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 20:43

Can you be sure there isn't something connected to her phone that is causing this "change" in behaviour ?

Bullying ? Grooming ? Boyfriend trouble ?

No excuses for her behaviour. I would still sanction her but dig a bit deeper.

Enjolrass · 20/11/2015 20:45

Then take the phone off her!

Dds best friend was really rude to her parents last weekend. Her phone was removed for 5 days.

If you keep giving in to her tantrums, she will keep doing it.

You and dh need to tackle this asap

LindyHemming · 20/11/2015 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silvermantela · 20/11/2015 20:45

agree with everyone else. take phone away for a week as punishment for behaviour (take it when she's sleeping if necessary). After a week, sit down with her and say she can have it back on the condition she gives it to you at 9.30 each weekday night. Take opportunity to change your router password - say you'll change it every week and you will input it into her phone for her so she won't know it. Bad behaviour = no password for that week. If she then runs up a bill on her 3g, presumably you pay the contract so either cancel it, or call the provider up in advance to limit data allowance.

Original poster

Teenagecrisisagain · 20/11/2015 20:48

There's something not sure if it's a 'real' friend or online one but a couple of weeks ago she lied when going out, said she was going to 'x' but was acting strange and turned off the location on her phone
We looked at online activity and she was planning to go elsewhere. She tried to lie even when confronted we had to go and get her and she's been grounded ever since and that seems to have escalated her behaviour

I have access to all her online activity (I think) and can't find anything concrete but she is grounded till she has early our trust back
She's changed immensely in the space of about a month. The arrogance is quite frankly awful and she refuses to do anything she's told. Dh has tried, as have I to talk to her but she's having none of it

Only happy if getting her own way but obviously being grounded has angered her bow restriction on her phone due to being exhausted has just made her furious

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 20:51

not wishing to frighten you but....

you need to find out what is going on here, she is not mature enough to deal with some of the possibilities of why she has had such a profound change in behaviour

Original poster

Teenagecrisisagain · 20/11/2015 20:58

Yes I saw that in the news. Tragic and exactly what we are worried about hence why dd is grounded currently

I have no found anything worrying on her phone/internet use but obviously I probably don't know everything she's on
She reluctantly told us her passcode after changing it and we ha e spoken to her about online dangers. It worries me she lied where she was going though and turned her location off

She will remain grounded, I will speak to her again and keep checking what she is accessing. It's a terrible terrible worry

OP posts:

balletgirlmum · 20/11/2015 21:01

Dd is also 14. Her phone is handed in at 9pm every night & antsy we have Norton Family Safety instslled which disables it between 9.30pm & 6am

Bedtime is 9.30pm

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/11/2015 21:01

Online boyfriend? Grooming?

TaliZorah · 20/11/2015 21:01

YABU. They grow out of it.

At 14 I had an online boyfriend who I was obsessed with texting and would do little else. 14 year olds are moody OP. If you make a big deal out of it they'll do it all the more, if you just leave it alone they'll eventually get better

itsthecircleoflife · 20/11/2015 21:10

Make sure you check her room. I went out and brought another and hid it in my room when my parents did this to me. If she doesnt have access to that sort of £ then it isnt a problem. But if she does- keep it in mind

Topseyt · 20/11/2015 21:14

Remember that if you are paying the contract then it is officially and on paper very likely to actually be your phone anyway. She is using it with your permission, and you can withdraw that permission at any time.

If any of my teenagers had thrown anything at me in anger they would not have seen their phones again for a long time.

Original poster

Teenagecrisisagain · 20/11/2015 21:15

She currently has little money

We realised a few months ago that we were being treated as a piggy bank. Every time it was £5 for Costa, £20 for cinema and lunch, money for this and that and it added up

We opened a bank account and told dd she would have £50 each month which was for train fares, make up etc, clothes she 'wants' rather than needs, going out etc etc and that she had to learn to manage her money. She wasn't impressed and has not managed it well although the last couple of months has been better. She is just very immature and argumentative and thinks she has a right to everything.
The other night upon realising she had no paid her bday money in yet wanted to buy something online shouted "mum give me your card, and preferably quickly" as she wanted to order with mine then pay me back. She spoke to me like shit

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 21:18

You sound lovely, op

But please listen to how shocked we are at her violence

There is a reason for it

Hopefully it is teenage temper and boundary pushing.

Maybe it is more

However, this cannot continue. You and her dad must unite in strength.

Sugarsugar123 · 20/11/2015 21:19

I have a 14 year old phone addict to. It scares me how they all live in this virtual world. I love a bit of social media but when she has friends over they sit tapping away for hours with no communication. I take DDs away as she can't self regulate and its ridic every time "but something really important a happening you can't please" followed by tears and threats to leave home.

Original poster

Teenagecrisisagain · 20/11/2015 21:21

The bag throwing was a shock. She's never done anything like it before although she has been getting angrier lately

I will look again at her online activity and phone. She does seem very overprotective of it and keeps telling us that the location thing is an invasion of privacy and we should care that it makes her uncomfortable

Thank you for all the advice. I just feel overwhelmed be her already and o know there are probably months maybe years of teenage issues ahead

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 21:24

Batten down the hatches

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 21:29

I have had some trials with my two (probably more to come) but a step over into threatening physicality is a very very big red flag that you must heed

My dd once squared up to me in the kitchen during a row. I think we were both equally shocked and chastened. If your daughter is losing her capacity to empathise there is something seriously wrong.

Imisscheese · 20/11/2015 21:30

My DD14 has to charge her phone downstairs overnight, she brings it down at 9. I'm a teacher and often see children who are exhausted because they have been up late on their phone. I also take my DDs phone away for poor behaviour, it seems to have the most impact. Good luck!

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