To feel rather sad about being a single parent?

[takeapictureframe]

In many ways, I know I will be able to offer my baby a form of stability and love many thousands of children don't have.

However, in some ways I do feel rather sad - for my child, and for myself. Obviously I feel sad they will never have a 'dad' or father figure.

I also feel sad that obviously my finances will be restricted - as many of my friends move into big detached homes with lovely gardens and private schools for the children, for us the reality will be more likely to be a (warm, clean, but still) small, cramped house, local comprehensive, hardly any holidays.

I realise that comparison is the thief of joy but at the same time, isn't it natural to compare and feel sad?

I realise IABU - so make me feel better! :)

sorry, not Access ........Acrossthepond doh!

No one is judging me; that I'm aware of but three posts are actually making me think I am being judged and i haven't noticed.

I'm having enough problems organising childcare as it is. Never mind male key workers.

I can't do this.

takeapictureframe there are as many single parent families as any other kind, you probably aren't being judged so try not to worry about things you don't need to.
It sounds like you will give your baby a lot of love, which ultimately is what they need above all else.

Your replies have been rude and dismissive. Loads of women here are doing it alone and have posted kind, encouraging words for you which you obviously think you know better than, despite not having any actual experience of parenting.

Your whole issue seems to be your rich friends, which is unrelated to your relationship status anyway. You don't magically become wealthy by being in a couple. Most parents, coupled or not, can't afford private education.

It's really hard knowing how to explain it morris - obviously I didn't come on with the intention of being rude!

A lot of replies have of course been meant kindly but have made me think k everyone's staring at me and judging them (but fuck them!) and all I have to look forward to is sole charge of a TV remote. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that they've made me feel a bit more tense and anxious. Not less, and hays probably coming across in my posts.

My friends are not rich: they're like me - good incomes but not 'rich'. But they are married to similar earners. When you earn £45,000 a year and marry someone who also earns £45,000 a year that obviously comes to an extremely respectable income. Then other things are cheaper in a couple - hobbies and council tax and electricity bills and so on - so all in all I am sat here wondering if my child is going to grow up to be fifteen and sixteen and be pissed off that all her (hoping to god it's a girl now) friends have big homes and gardens and she - doesn't.

It's really hard to explain in words what I'm thinking and feeling. I will just thank grandchildren for her lovely posts and thank everyone again for trying to help and I really didn't want to be rude. It's my child I'm worried for. I just wanted them to have the childhood I didn't have.

Well if you bring her up to be happy for what she's got she won't care if her friends have big gardens. She will have love and a close relationship with you.
'Respectable income ' is not a concept I understand. I don't respect people because of how much money they earn I respect people that are good, caring, fun and get on and do well even in difficult circumstances.
If you are earning 45k a year you have a lot more than most couples.

Respectable income doesn't mean in that context that people earn it are to be respected. It means that it's a good amount, a reasonable, perfectly liveable amount.

You're quite right that it is more than some couples - but it's also less. Why? Because you pay more tax on an income of £45,000 than two individuals earning £22,500 would. Those individuals would also be entitled to some tax credits and help with childcare which of course I'm not.

It isn't, to quote that much-used Mumsnet phrase, a race to the bottom. I am well aware many have less. But when you work it all out, especially with childcare costs, it's remarkable how similar incomes can look.

Well I think most people see 90k combined income as more than a good or reasonable amount. That is a massive amount to a majority of the population who live on loads less. I know for a fact that a household income of 45k either in a single or 2 parent household get no help in regards to tax credits for childcare. That makes no sense. Of course it's not a race to the bottom but I'm struggling to see what advice you are looking for. Get a job that pays 22k and claim childcare credits?
Yanbu to feel sad sometimes about being a lp. But you are in a much stronger position than most people lp or not. Look on the bright side.

Your child will only be jealous of friends with a big home and garden if you raise her to believe that money and possessions are what counts, OP.

I'm a lp of three. My eldest is 14 next week and a girl. We've had it tough over the last year. I can't say too much because it would out me but we've essentially been homeless. At no point has DD been jealous of her friends houses and gardens. Her main concerns have been the four of us staying together and getting our own place, wherever that may be, with or without a garden and with her own space. She doesn't ask for much and is not into 'stuff'. Because I've raised her to be a decent person.

If you fixate on money, money, money then so will your child.

well - I'm afraid my patience has run out. You are being rude and dismissive - to me and to others - and I earn less than half what you do and live in a place where there are no tax credits whatsoever.

Literally millions of women are doing what you are going to do and make happy and fulfilled lives for themselves and their children. You are determined to be miserable, it seems, and so nothing anyone can say or do can change that.

You are rich. You aren't "poor". You are rich. That's why you are in the higher tax bracket - because you are wealthy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself - many other single mothers including myself have come on and encouraged you and shared our stories and apparently our lives aren't good enough for you because we don't have orchards and private schools like the rich friends you so desperately want to emulate.

When your baby arrives many people will be kind, helpful, considerate and willing to put themselves out (particularly other single mothers as we know how we can help) and give you advice and encouragement, help out with a bit of babysitting here and there, as mentioned before, male friends who can fill some of the gas here and there and be a real support to you. If you shut them down like you have here they will fast stop offering.

My god if some of your posts don't make you the poster child for "Money can't buy you happiness".

As I said before - either get yourself to the doctor if you think you may be depressed or have a word with yourself. It'll be as hard as you make it - and you seem absolutely set on making it really hard. 2 people will suffer if you do that.

Op I think you've picked up on one single lighthearted comment I made and ignored everything else.

Being a single parent is hard. And scary. But it's also wonderful and a blessing.

I've been where you are, I had nowhere to live with my baby until I was 39 weeks parent, I left a domestic violence relationship when my baby was 8 months old. I've been sad and scared and the prospect of being a single parent is daunting.

But the only way I got through it was to focus on the positives. And yes some days the only positive I've been able to come up with is sole charge of the remote. But most days I appreciate how blessed I am. Every day DS is excited to come home to me after preschool, his successes are my successes. When someone tells me what a lovely little boy he is growing into, I am so incredibly proud because I know that's down to me. Even on the darkest days I try my best to find the positives, and sometimes that's hard but if you focus on the negatives you'll be miserable.

I didn't mean to make you feel worse and I'm sorry if I have. I just wanted to tell you that it will be okay

OP I absolutely agree with you about bringing home 'boyfriends' and a series of stepfathers - DH is the only man I ever introduced my DS to, and that was only after four years of dating. There is some evidence of certain types of men targeting single mums and that's something all of us have to be wary of. But statistically it's very unlikely that you'll remain a single mum after a certain length of time - that's from Gingerbread's own figures.

I'm a single parent of 3, and my total income, including tax credits etc. is less than half of yours (if yours is 45k). We do just fine in our cramped little house and state schools thanks. So pull your big girl pants up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. And bring your child up to be grateful for what they have, not jealous of what they don't have.

When I would be moaning about something, my mother would say "Well, I see you've made up your mind to be miserable".

She was right. You can either look at things in a negative way and be unhappy or you can look at the positive side and be happy, or at least content. The choice is yours. My own sister was very wealthy, her children had every one of the 'advantages' you say you want for your child and then some. My lifestyle was much more 'modest', we had all of life's necessities and some of it's 'luxuries'. Of course I would have liked my children to have the advantages hers did, but life doesn't work that way. But all of our children grew to be happy and contented adults. Because we, the parents, were happy and content.

But just remember that as mothers everything we do, say, and feel is absorbed by our children. If you are unhappy or worry that you don't have a house with a garden, your child must go to a state school, or that you don't have things your friends have, your child will pick up on this in a hot second and will internalize these feelings of 'inferiority' or 'deprivation'. Is that what you want?

So I'll pass on another one of my mother's phrases; "Buck up your ideas, young lady". I'm not saying it unkindly or sarcastically. Just a reminder that we all have a great responsibility towards our children, single parent or coupled parent, to provide a happy, contented home environment.

If you fill your home with 'stuff' which is happy, positive and emotionally healthy, your child will be happy, positive and emotionally healthy. If you resent the lifestyle of others, if you even hint at somehow having a bigger garden makes you a better person (which is what you are saying, even if you don't want to accept that), your child will very, very quickly become disatisfied with what they do have and focus on what they don't. It will become a self-fulfiling prophecy for you - which you seen to be actively seeking.

There is a massive mindset change you need to go through to ensure that you don't pass this on. Be happy with what you do have. Sure, an emotionally healthy relationship with another adult is an amazing thing, but even good relationships are tested by redundancy, illness, disability, family tensions, alcohol, snoring, not enough bathrooms and goodness what else, but it is not everything. If your single-parent status is 'new', it does take a while to realise that it isn't actually branded on your forehead for all to see. There are those who judge - and who judge unfairly and in particularly aggressive, attention-seeking ways - but most people really couldn't give a shit about the size of someone's house, the age of their car or the school they attend. You need to become one of those people - fast! If you can mange that, there will come a day when you quite literally want to smack the next person who tells you how amazing you are 'because I couldn't do it' upside the head, very, very hard!

Just read the whole thread.

Not been a lone parent, but have three children, now teens.

It's very hard being in a partnership you know. There are advantages of course, but I find the constant having to compromise/not undermine/come to agreement etc etc etc with my dh bloody HARD. And we are what I'd call a 'happily married couple' really.

It's fine for you to feel despondent or disappointed or worried for the future, but you have been rude on this thread, you have dismissed loads of interesting and positive experiences by LPs and you are totally concentrating on things that really won't matter to your dc.

What will matter is love and stability. You can provide that, in or out of a relationship.

OP, hope facebook is not exacerbating your sadness about your situation. Are you looking at pictures of these friends' gorgeous big homes and gardens and orchards? Can you take a break from FB? And you don't know what life is like in those big gorgeous houses, it may not be as rosy as you think. We all present facades to the world.

'Kids don't mind ugly houses so long as they're Love-filled ones. As adults, when love is less believable, we need Beauty too.'

Excellent point scooby

This thread really has got me thinking about mindsets. I read recently that being grateful is the way to happiness and OP, you seem determined not to be.

You can teach yourself to be grateful. Everyday, think of 3 things you are grateful for. You are not a special snowflake and you will be OK. Don't let the fantasy of what might have been ruin what you actually have.

Op, don't assume that everyone who has the 'big house and garden' and a spouse is happy. Many people who appear to 'have it all' really don't. Behind closed doors some are living miserable existences and dealing with their own difficulties.

I had the big house etc and on the surface I appeared to want for nothing, yet I was living with an abusive bastard and life was hell. Material things mean fuck all when you're living with someone you hate.
My children and I are out of that atmosphere now and even though we've got a lot less materially, it doesn't matter. What matters is the happiness of my children and I. I now have peace of mind.

The most important thing you should consider when you're feeling as you do, is remember that you are the luckiest you can be when you bring your new baby into the world. Many women don't get the chance to bear children in other words, you should be. EXTREMELY grateful you have the ability to give life! Having all the material things in the world can't top that.

I love being a single parent. DS and I have a lovely close relationship that would in all likelihood be different if there were someone else around.

What I hate is this idea that being a single parent is something to be ashamed of or to avoid. People who think that have very little idea that the traditional nuclear family isn't that traditional at all, nor is is indisputably the best.

People used to give me lots of advice and all that media scaremongering made me think that DS would be a delinquent. Instead he is the kindest kid you could meet. I'm so glad I didn't give into the fear as I've enjoyed being a single parent so much.

I get what you're saying OP but I'm with Heartichoke. I was a lone parent for around t5 years. We had a wonderful time, and my kids had a great childhood,

We could please ourselves with what we did. We could have picnics in the living room, holidays based around what they wanted to do, crazy sleepovers. There was never another adult to consider.

It wasn't all roses. Living on one income is tough and it's particularly stressful when your company is having tough times or you hate the job but rely on the salary too much. Having a power cut, a leaking roof, a burglary and having to deal with it on your own isn't fun. Not being able to go to gymnastics or friends' parties because of access visits was sad. But there are worse challenges in the world.

I'm a much stronger and better person for the experience and I think my children are more self sufficient and compassionate than they might have been. They now have four adults who love them unconditionally . Their SM is a wonderful lady who they still see despite her split with XH.

DD2 was 5 months when XH and I split. People say it must have been so tough being on my own with a baby and a toddler. I think I had it easier than women who are left with older kids, or even worse, teens. My DCs were too young to be affected by the split. I didn't have that to deal with. They never knew what it was like to have a DF living with them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing your little family a very happy life.

Ds and I live in a smallish two bed extended semi detached house which I own outright. He has often complained our home is terribly small but that said other friends of his have complained about having to share time care and attention with siblings and other stepchi ldren. He has his own double bedroom and does not have to share with anyb ody.

I think it is a case of the grass is greener elsewhere. Nobody has everything though some enjoy living in a farmland with quad bikes and oodles of cash. Which is to be envied.

Other friends of ds have complained their dads were too strict. To be honest so is my ex but it is good to have some counterbalance.

The main reason single parenting is portrayed as the worst thing in the world is that it makes dads look redundant and offends the patriarchy. Whereas we should be praised and comnended. Single dads get this of course.