To feel rather sad about being a single parent?

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In many ways, I know I will be able to offer my baby a form of stability and love many thousands of children don't have.

However, in some ways I do feel rather sad - for my child, and for myself. Obviously I feel sad they will never have a 'dad' or father figure.

I also feel sad that obviously my finances will be restricted - as many of my friends move into big detached homes with lovely gardens and private schools for the children, for us the reality will be more likely to be a (warm, clean, but still) small, cramped house, local comprehensive, hardly any holidays.

I realise that comparison is the thief of joy but at the same time, isn't it natural to compare and feel sad?

I realise IABU - so make me feel better! :)

I do actually believe that bright children do well wherever. It's just that after hideous experiences at my local comprehensive I hoped for better for my child. I am angry with myself that I can't offer them that.

People can, of course, tell you lots of stories of poor happy children doing brilliantly in single parent families.

But it sounds to me like you just need to let your sad feelings and regrets out; you need people to understand how you feel and sympathise, without either pointing out how lucky you are (you're not feeling lucky at the moment) or suggesting solutions (you know you don't have a "problem" that needs "solving", and you feel like you are not about to meet a wonderful new partner or win the lottery).

Maybe I am projecting because I feel like this quite often- down in the dumps about something, but not wanting either practical solutions or people telling me it's not so bad.

I am sorry you are feeling this pain right now OP. I think it is really hard not having someone to share all the joys of parenthood with, as well as all the burdens and decisions.

On the other hand my sister and my sister-in-law have both brought up their children alone, and my nephews and niece are absolutely wonderful adults now- amazing people, all of them.

Thank you Clara

I'm with you OP. I fucking hate it! Just once, I'd like someone to share my worries, take out the bins, stay with my son while I popped out for milk..............I have visions of many years from now my poor sons partner saying 'Do we really HAVE to have your mother for christmas AGAIN???'

Does your child's other parent pay maintenance op?

Why can't you have those things if you want them? You can have a career and be a single parent if that is what you want, that would enable you to pay schools fees, access better housing etc. If you want these things then work out what you have to do to earn enough to get them.

Op you say you won't be looking for a partner as your child is your priority- my dd was my priority. But then I met someone who enhanced HER life in so many ways and who gave her love and stability. A child can never have too many people love them.

At first she felt threatened by the relationship and I almost left- but he insisted we work to make her feel more secure. Fast forward 9 years, she's 18 and yesterday told me she would hate to think of her life without dh in it.

Yeah am with amazingtracy it can be bloody hard!

Lovely at some times yes, but downright eye-wateringly-relentlessly exhausting and lonely at others.

I do have a good career, 32, and it pays well.

Just the same, I do have to pay for:

a mortgage (and the amount I can borrow is obviously restricted by my salary)
The costs of full time childcare (when I go back to work)
Electricity
Council tax (I get a 25% discount)
When on maternity leave I have to rely completely on savings
I have less savings as they only come out of one salary

The above totals £1600. That's before petrol, food, phone, broadband, clothes, shoes, holidays, haircuts, wear and tear replacements in the home.

It's hard, and it just isn't as simple as 'if you want money, earn it.' I have and I do but my child will still be restricted.

I'm well aware that the biggest of those costs is childcare which won't be forever. But in its way that's still hard as most of my friends don't have to pay for full time childcare as they have the option of working part time.

(I am aware this is a self pitying whine - I'm sorry! But if you can't say it on Mumsnet ... )

I know how you feel. My DS is 2 in February and I've done the whole lot by myself. Dad has never been involved or even around and doesn't want to be. Luckily my dad adores my DS and is the father figure in his life. We don't have expensive holidays although we did go to centreparcs with friends this year. It's the loneliness in the evenings that gets to me the most.

Unfortunately my dad died eighteen months ago - he'd have been great. I like centreparcs

Sorry to hear that OP - that's really hard.

Its bloody shit sometimes. Im always the single one at weddings/events even simple things Like family days at the rugby club im on the outside whilst everyone is all coupled up urgh.

Having only one income sucks to

Being 'the single one' can be hard.

My main worry is that DC will grow and resent me.

Well... I can see that it's nice for two-parent families to share care and possibly be financially better off.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case for me. I was much worse off as a couple-- I could feed him and the kids but couldn't afford food for myself. At least now I can eat, because money isn't going on superfluous cars and motorbikes...

And my kids are much more settled, having seperated. My relationship with them is stronger and more secure, because they are my only focus. (I did try dating a couple of times, but I feel like my kids do better with my full attention) It wasn't how I pictured my life, and perhaps I won't be able to give my kids all the things I would have liked... But I can't deny that it's a good life.

You won't always be the "single one". Others will come along too. And the idea that men won't fancy a woman with a child is a myth. I've never lacked for a date when I wanted one.

I was raised until 9 years old by a single mum, she did an amazing job and, to an extent, I knew no different. She then met and married a darling man who legally adopted my siblings and I and I was so proud to take his name and to call him my dad. I only mention this because you really don't know what the future will bring, although I'm also not saying the only way to be happy would be to meet someone either.

Not in any way to trivialise how you're feeling (which is perfectly understandable). But if it makes you feel better, I would much rather have lived in a smaller house with fewer holidays/outings with just my mother and my sister, than have been physically and verbally abused for years on end by my foul mouthed and foul tempered father. Among other things, he used to tell me how I had to do everything he said and accept his slaps, kicks and punches because he was the breadwinner, and threaten not to give me money for my school commute (or for other things which, to be fair, parents arguably do not owe their children, but which he happily gave to my sister and threatened to withhold from me purely out of spite and control).

Sorry, hit post too soon. Meant to add: if your kids are growing up without a negative influence like that in their lives (and you being in a relationship that makes you miserable for any reason is a negative influence), well....I don't discount the importance of money or a supportive adult partner, but there's no substitute for a calm, happy home.

I feel sad about being a single parent, I find it very lonely and I miss the companionship you get in being a couple. I also hate the stigma I been labelled with, one is that even though I am working by this government I am still considered a benefit scrounger because I claim tax credits.

I hate how men can just move on freely and they will never be tarnished with the single parent tag, they can date and work with no limitations on their lives.

If I ever do meet someone again, its unlikely I will have another child as I wouldn't want risk becoming a single parent again...single parent to two father...can you imagine the hate you get then.

I definitely will not be dating, moving men in, or in any way seeking a partner. When I decided to continue with the pregnancy I made this decision. I think age may also be a factor here, in any case (I am mid-thirties.)

I don't feel that I am stigmatised or judged as a single parent (to my knowledge) but naturally people assume that a partner is in the picture. It is lonely going through pregnancy alone. I don't even like Mothercare or Mamas and Papas (all shopping is done online!) as happy, excited looking dads upsets me, as do baby clothing with reference to being loved by the father.

I think it's natural and normal to 'grieve' the family life you thought you would have.
Not many people wake up and think 'I know what'll be a great thing to do today, I'll be a single parent, sounds like fun'
Over time your perceptive may change, and you'll be able to look at all the positives and think it's better this way. But it's hard

I'd just like to add a positive to what I said.

Yes I might always be the single one which is pretty wearing however a massive BUT me and my dc (now 8 and almost 10) are a really great team. We have our own inside jokes, have fabulous weekends as I take them out somewhere nice most Saturdays. We have annual passes to a place we can go to whatever the weather and my dm is buying us a nt pass for Christmas.

My dc are absolutely hilarious I love spending time with them. They don't resent not having their dad around and I'm not bringing a man into my house to live. That's not to say I don't date or won't have a boyfriend but not anything to unbalance the 3 musketeers team.

And we really are a team, they help out around the house, they do the dishes everynight, they take out the rubbish, Polish and vacuum once a week ect and bring me a cup of tea in bed every Saturday morning.

I love the life I have with them, I just resent slightly being so exhausted and having to be responsible for everything.

That's what I hope will happen; I really do.

I do feel guilty that it's just me. No dad, so no grandparents on his side, and none on mine. No brothers or sisters (unless I adopt or look into sperm donation.) No one but me. That's s big responsibility

I have a friend who chose to have a baby as a single parent. She had a good career and was able to raise a child without help. The pregnancy was a bit of a surprise and father of the child chose to absent himself. She told him that if he chose not to be a part of the child's life she expected him to go away and stay away. He did.

Yes, there were time she felt rather 'alone' because most of the people she knew either had partners or were single parents with exes in the picture. But overall, the found it a bit easier on her own. No access schedules to deal with, her word was law (as opposed to having to consider another parent), she knew she had to rely on herself only so there were no squabbles with anyone about not pulling weight.

She did have male relatives around for 'male influence' and she requested that her child be assigned to male teachers when possible.

She built herself a good support network of single mothers.

She chose not to actively look for a partner, instead focusing on raising her child. She didn't close herself off to possibilities however and when her child was 6 she met someone through her work and later married him.

The child is now 34 years old and a lovelier person you'd never meet.

I don't think I'll be asking for male teachers Across. I am sure my child will learn half the human race contain its fair share of lovely, kind people as well as the odd idiot.

I do feel sad, and lonely, and jealous as well and I know none of those emotions reflect particularly well upon me.