To feel rather sad about being a single parent?

[takeapictureframe]

In many ways, I know I will be able to offer my baby a form of stability and love many thousands of children don't have.

However, in some ways I do feel rather sad - for my child, and for myself. Obviously I feel sad they will never have a 'dad' or father figure.

I also feel sad that obviously my finances will be restricted - as many of my friends move into big detached homes with lovely gardens and private schools for the children, for us the reality will be more likely to be a (warm, clean, but still) small, cramped house, local comprehensive, hardly any holidays.

I realise that comparison is the thief of joy but at the same time, isn't it natural to compare and feel sad?

I realise IABU - so make me feel better! :)

I really think you need to start and think positively, you are making assumptions that life is going to be shit, well it will be if you keep thinking that way.

I'm 40, a single working parent of a 4yr old, and very happy to be a single Mum, his Father and I split up when I was pregnant.

My son's father is involved, and they love each other very much and have a strong bond, but I dont have siblings, so there are no cousins, my friend's kids are much older and I won't be having any more kids, my son has one grandparent.

It is what you make it, being a single parent isn't all doom and gloom, tbh I wouldn't have it any other way.

Don't write off the idea of a relationship or fling or even a one night stand in the future before it has even happened, you seem to be certain life is going to be miserable as a lone parent. It doesn't have to be, yes its busy and frustrating and there never seems to be enough hours in the day when they are too little to amuse themselves for more than 10 seconds, but thats parenthood in general, single or not.

You sound miserable, like I was when I was pregnant, only I had quite serious antenatal depression and was going slowly and quietly mad.

Life as a lone parent will be whatever you make it.

Oh and cbeebies is bloody wonderful when you want to pee in peace or throw some food down your throat, don't write that off either.
Mine was never going to have an electronic babysitter oh no, but that soon changed, as did the idea that he wouldn't ever have Mcdonalds and he would only drink water.

I certainly don't think my life is going to be shit, and I don't think it's going to be miserable.

However, it will be restricted, I suppose, mainly by finances which isn't what I wanted for my child. I wanted them to grow up with a nice home and garden and to attend a really good school and have holidays and presents and pets.

I don't think I've said anything critical about televisions or McDonald's just that, when you are facing pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child alone, the idea of squealing in joy that I have a television to myself seemed bizarre.

I was pointing out my own precious twattiness about Mcdonalds and tv when I was pregnant, and how quickly things change after you actually have the child.

Whilst hearing and acknowledging your feelings, that life for your child isn't going to be the way you imagined or wanted it to be, I do want to say don't worry too much. No-one knows what the future holds, you might win the lottery next week! If you can afford to pay childcare fees, you might be able to afford private school fees (if that's important to you) because they aren't necessarily more expensive than day nursery fees.
I was a single mum to 3 young children, many years ago, and we were very poor, my children still had a good state education, birthday and Christmas presents (from a young age, taught them to expect 'surprises' as presents then everyone was happy) and pets, free kitten - cheap to feed, no pet insurance etc. We also had occasional holidays, okay not abroad but camping in Wales, Cornwall etc.
I recently spoke to my oldest son, 40, about his childhood and he said he always had nice presents on his birthday and Christmas and remembers generally being happy. I remember worrying about paying the rent, gas & electricity, he doesn't!
Find a friend in a similar situation, someone to spend time with at the weekends is always good. I found a good friend, also on her own with 3 children and we spend Christmas day together for 10 years or so. I joined Gingerbread which provided a social life for me and the children.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write an essay takeapictureframe. Good luck, I'm sure you and your baby will be fine.

It was a great essay and cheered me right up :)

Thank you.

That's good to hear. Thanks for the , here's some for you !

I like brand new's post. Sounds like my house too

I'm a few years into this lp lark. We're doing ok. Got myself a decent job with hours which suit us all. Have a lovely Dp who doesn't live with us but is great with the dcs. We have holidays, eat out and I have a good social life, especially on the weekends I don't have the dcs.

I've never come across any negativity towards me as a single parent. Honestly. I think it surprises a lot of people and I like challenging their perception of the life of a single parent.

We are very fortunate that xh is a high earner and I got the best divorce solicitor I could find. I'm constantly bloody knackered but I don't need to worry about heating the house or putting food on the table. The hardest bit by far is juggling everything.

I always thought when I had a child I'd be able to give them a better standard of living than I had (and my standard of living wasn't poor by any means, but my parents sent me to a terrible school where I was very unhappy.)

I hate the thought of doing that to my child. I always just wanted them to have the fairytale childhood with a big garden and so on.

I now realise that it just isn't that important. But it's still hard to give up in a dream.

Thanks whirly we eat out a lot, have great holidays and I have nights off to like you! It's really the tiredness that's gets me.

Op my dd is very bright. I'm sitting her for a few private school entrance exams. Because I won't be able to afford the fees on my income she will be eligible for the couple of free places every private school offers. My ds otoh is really good at rugby and there's a private school that take a set number of dc on a rugby scholarship programme. There are ways and means to get your dc a good education without pots of money.

That would be worse - I definitely wouldn't want them to be the poor child.

Just because you are a single parent now it doesn't mean that will always be the case. I was a single mum for 8 years with my DS, we had a cramped house and crappy local school and hardly any holidays and it was a struggle. No involvement with dad so no father figure. Now I've remarried and we have that big detached house and private school and DH is a great father figure. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time but just met DH by chance, most single mums end up in a new relationship somewhere along the line.

I just finished working for the night teaching english online as a supplement to my daytime teaching job.

I got into bed next to my darling 4 year old boy in his stormtrooper pyjamas, the little boy who I went out for sushi with tonight, who I spent the afternoon with making sandwiches for homeless people for a volunteer group we are members of, who I spent the morning watching sesame street with, who drew me a picture today of himself giving me a heart, who kissed my wrist because I woke up in pain because I slept funny, who told me he is going to always look after me - "even when I'm a dad, mummy I still be with you always", who drew the tattoos I have on my ribs (a smiley face, his name and a heart).......and I felt a great love for him and also a deep feeling of fulfilment that I am working several jobs (luckily that I enjoy) and that I am therefore able to provide for him single handedly.

And I realised that I am very very lucky and that my life with him is wonderful. We go out all the time together, (park/beach/friends houses (his and mine!)/ vintage markets/painting graffiti (on legal walls ;) ), he comes to the gym with me (I box), we have brunch out on a sunday once a month.....we went to Amsterdam a couple of years ago for a weekend (he was 2) we went to Venice for 4 days, we moved to Barcelona when he was 3 (still here......)

From 11 months until 3 and a half years old when he started school (they start earlier here) he was in nursery from 07:30 - 18:00 - this gave him excellent social skills and confidence and he loved it. In that time I was working and did a course to teach English as a foreign language.

I'm not usually one for gushing soppiness - but I want you to know.....there is NO need for sadness as a single parent. My son's father is completely absent...so I really am a "lone" parent.....and I promise you.....there may be some struggles - but I have never felt a happiness like it.

Don't worry. You are a member of a special club. :) Fuck socks and the telly - I haven't even got a telly.

PS teaching online means constant conversation with people from all over the world in the evening - for which I get paid. Not so lonely :)

It's total shit. DH died so DD (16) has no father figure, both grandfathers are dead. We live in a middle class area where most children have married parents or at least their fathers are involved in their life.

We live rurally (can't afford to move) with no public bus service so if DD wants to come into the city, she has to hang around in town all day from until I finish work as I work 40 hours per week. When DH was alive he worked night shifts and during the weekend so there was someone around at home, he could do the ferrying etc but that can no longer happen.

Fed up of just making ends met, I actually have a degree but am still poor. We can only go on holiday if we can stay with people. Treats are few and far between.

tudmu Well bully for you. I am not sure if my DD would be best pleased if I bought home a new bloke and tried to replace him with her beloved dad

Not sure Cwtchmequick 's post deserved that dismissive response OP.

Thunder - I'm so sorry and whilst I am not a widow I understand exactly what you mean. There is absolutely no way I am going to be bringing home 'boyfriends' and a series of stepfathers - controversially, I feel many men who target single mothers have quite sinister intentions.

Leelu, I'm going through pregnancy alone. All the sickness, exhaustion, anxiety, insomnia, worries about money, stress about organising childcare and maternity pay. Then on top of that am currently in inadequate housing (doesn't matter for a couple of years and it will change but it still hurts when friends have gorgeous big homes with gardens and orchards and the like) and worried about childbirth alone and worried about babies alone and toddlers alone and so on and so forth.

But I get the TV to myself

(I don't have a television. I watch it on my phone or tablet.)

Op I think you're being way too negative about this. Look how many people have replied and given you the benefits of being a single parent. For some reason you've singled out the TV and socks comments and made it sound pathetic that this is one of the advantages but there are so many more that you've decided to dismiss. It sounds like you're dwelling on what you can't afford - big, detached house, private education etc. Will your child care about any of this? Of course not. Only YOU will. I'm not dismissing your feelings because I've been there and felt awful about being a single parent when dd's dad left at 6 months but I soon realised that I was happier than I'd ever been and the bond we had was the best feeling in the world - better than a huge house and £££ in the bank.

Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the positives I'm afraid.

Yy I agree with James

You are not in a unique position, millions and billions of women have been single parents. Your life will be how you make it.

If you've lived with a man who turns on the TV when your trying to go to sleep, who always wants to watch what he wants, talks over something that your watching you would have more sympathy.

You can't really start a thread asking for sympathy and then be dismissive and rude to those who try and help you.

OP I can see how the idea of being a single parent can be daunting, however please bear in mind that you are comparing it to the idea of parenting in a relationship, and an ideal relationship at that - high paying job, big house, private schools etc. Actually, the reality of being in a relationship and becoming a parent can be far from that.. resenting the other parent because they are always tired from being at work and don't pull their weight at parenting, resenting the other parent because they get to go to work and get a breath from parenting, disagreeing about how to raise/school/spend time with your child. Why do you need a huge house for 2 of you?
I adore being a single parent. Yes, it can be complicated sometimes childcare wise, I can't just nip to the shop for milk when they are in bed.

But my life is my own! I'm not forever compromising, I make the decisions I believe are best for my children. We have a happy, relaxed, sometimes untidy home. We go on plenty of free/cheap days out, we asked family for season tickets etc for Xmas presents and now we always have somewhere to go. I don't feel I have to prioritise 'grown up time' over my child's needs, ever. I also manage to study in the evenings and have applied to uni for my dream career.

Life is what you make it, embrace it. And remember, in reality, Mothercare dad may not be what he seems!

Op I think you have been rude and dismissive to people just trying to be nice to you and that reply to the poster who mentioned about private schooling was shocking.

So I'll be honest! Stop being so fucking negative and shallow or it will be shit. Youl just have to get on with it without wallowing in self pity. Plenty of us do. And I'm a single parent to three small children by two different fathers I couldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it - we do alright because we have to, as will you - if you stop being so negative about everything you seem to be looking for the worst in every reply, not cool.

As for giving birth and going through pregnancy alone, so what. I did it with me third, I had no one to help or share it with and two other children to look after at the same time. I gave birth alone, it's honestly not a big deal, it was fine.

Basically what I'm saying is stop being negative and get in with it and it will be okay, fine, hell it may even be fab!!! My life is now, it's all about the attitude.

I'm sure you will make damn sure OP that your DC does not go to a 'terrible school' where s/he is miserable. That's the thing about bad experiences - it programs us to avoid them in future.

As for a small, happy, loving home, as opposed to a big one, DC IME don't notice or care about things like that. We used to live in a damp, cramped house in a busy main road and now we live in a much nicer one, but when we moved DS1 (who was old enough to care), was really sad to leave the awful house and it took him ages to get over it. The most important thing is for your DC to feel safe, loved and cared for - and you can do that on any salary in any house.

As for holidays - when you lose the huge burden of nursery fees at age 4 that will presumably free up money for other things and before age 4 DC really don't notice or care about holidays. After that age they're aware, I suppose, but they care so much less than we do. And I know this isn't about your DC wanting things, its about you wanting to provide those things, but please don't feel that your DC's upbringing will be rubbish simply because money will be tight. I have two DC aged 8 and 4 and honestly what makes them happy is such simple stuff. They never ask to go on holiday or for expensive days out. They love messing about with their friends, poking sticks in puddles, building dens out of boxes, watching cartoons. As long as they are clean, warm, fed and loved and have other kids they can play with - that's the main stuff.

I think I am being negative and that's because I felt negative when I started the thread. It just feels a bit like people are trying to perk me up with things that just aren't really comparable - a bit like when my dad died and people said things like 'oh at least you didn't have to see him grow old' which misses the point a bit! I'd have loved to have seen him grow old, just as I'd love to curl up with someone and watch tv. And I've said a few times now I don't want to meet someone else.

There have been other comments that have been helpful though so thank you :) I'm not coming here to argue but a couple of replies made me feel worse, unintentionally of course!

What did you want people to say? Of course people will try and perk you up when you're feeling sad about being a single parent or the loss of a parent. I became a single parent shortly after my mum died and people kindly offered ways of cheering me up and making me feel more positive. No words can make up for what you can't have but words are the only thing people can give - especially on a forum!! They can help if you let them. You're choosing not to.

Also - if you have a boy - providing him with alternative male role models as Access suggested is actually very important. This has been proven time and time again. Seeking out a nursery with a male key worker, having some of your male friends take him to the park to play football occasionally etc - these things are important for his development and self confidence and protect him from potentially seeking out inappropriate male role models for themselves when they are 14-15 and ending up in trouble.

As for feeling negative - either you are suffering from depression (which is possible as you do sound disproportionately sad about this) and therefore need to seek medical help or you are not unwell just choosing to be negative in which case you need to have a word with yourself and choose to be happy and positive for the sake of you child because the harsh reality is that the hardest thing for a child to miss out on isn't private school, it is a happy and confident mother.

Anyone that judges you for being a single parent can fuck off to the far side etc

I think the main thing about comparing your life with others is that you only see (mostly) what they allow you to see. I've never been an LP but it's not all sweetness and light being a 2P family. Yes it's probably and damned sight easier to have another person around to help out (if you have a good one) but sometimes the other person is as much work as the dc's. (Read threads here on mn if you want convincing)