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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at mil...yet again!

82 replies

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 10:04

You've probably read about my ongoing issues with my mil on other threads.
Basically dh went nc with his dsis after she ignored our dd from birth- she was apparently mad that he didn't have enough time for his nieces and other slights she'd wrongly took Offence at- we tried number our times to sort things out she wasn't interested- just increasingly nasty and vile (FB rants, abusive msg etc).
Mil blamed us entirely for the fall out in the beginning and went on to try to ruin our wedding beforehand and during because we hadn't invited the dsis.
Since then mil said she had spoken to a few friends family members and realises that dsis actually was the root of the arguments and she was going to remind neutral from then on she wouldn't be picking sides anymore.
It was her 60th bday last weekend she told dh she wasn't going to have a party- you know what's coming next...yes there was a party the dsis and her kids were invited obviously we were not and our dd was excluded yet again (we've been told mil can't see dd at Xmas or last Xmas because it upsets the dsis too much!)
I'm just mad my dd is treated like a second grade grandchild because sil stamps her feet its ridiculous.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 20/11/2015 13:18

Tbf OP has clarified that rthey would be prepared to attend events that included SiL and be courteous towards her, so yes I agree they should have been invited.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 20/11/2015 13:36

Hi op, I remember your other posts this is actually really easy to deal with. You just go NC and stop giving them both opportunities to hurt your family.

I've been NC with mil for a year this Christmas and it's been fab. Stop reading facebook accounts as they are also a way of getting to you.

You don't owe this woman anything. She stopped being your dd loving DGM when she let decided not to see her at Xmas. Sil didn't do that. Mil did that her self. She is showing you time and time again that she doesn't care. Words mean nothing action is everything.

I posted thread after thread about my mil (just like you are) until I went NC and I've not posted one because I didn't need to.

your dd is never going to have the same relationship with her DGM than her cousins so why would you keep her in contact? For what ? Left over crumbs when Sil says she can? How is that fair on her?

Your Dh really needs to stop allowing his family to treat you all like this

Rafflesway · 20/11/2015 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enkopkaffetak · 20/11/2015 14:14

I would expect the military to do what my parents did when db went nc with ds. Invite them both to parties and birthdays etc and leave it up to them if they will attend or not. They both attended and ignored one another. Took my mother passing away this May for db and ds to get on talking terms again.19 years of not talking.

Op i would just accept your miles is a bit crap with her dd invite extended family to stuff at yours and your dd will know them.

mrsmilktray · 20/11/2015 15:29

The most likely scenario is that MIL didn't organise the party. So she couldn't have invited you and your anger at her is unjustified.
If you want to go NC with a close family member then that's entirely your choice, but you can't then start dictating the terms of behaviour to other people within the family circle.

Original poster
Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 15:37

Again mrs I agree with caveat that out of respect for us given she'd explicitly said no parties, she didn't want us to take her out etc that after the party she would have told us and not let us find out via FB. Would that not be reasonable in this case?
Again we have offered to attend any functions and behave ourselves its sil that had said she would not be civil with us regardless of our child being there or not.

OP posts:
mrsmilktray · 20/11/2015 15:42

If I was in her shoes I wouldn't have known how to tell you either. The woman probably couldn't enjoy the party anyway due to worrying about you and dh finding out. She may have loved the idea of a party or a meal out for her 60th, but decided it was easier just to do nothing due to the feud between you and SIL.
Yes you have offered to attend functions and behave, but perhaps everybody else doesn't want to have to tread on egg shells around you and SIL.

Pseudo341 · 20/11/2015 15:43

If going NC with MIL means losing the rest of the family then that may still be the best thing for your DD. I grew up as part of a small family and used to be jealous of my friends who had lots of aunts and uncles and especially cousins, I always wanted cousins, but I still had a really happy childhood, and never had to deal with any rejections or playing favourites. Your DD is only going to get hurt again and again by your MIL, and your second child too. I'd strongly recommend doing everything possible to protect them from that. When it comes to family, as with friends, quality is way more important than quantity. Yes it's sad to miss out on the big gatherings, but I really don't see that you've got a choice. Draw a line under it and try to move on with your lives.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/11/2015 16:17

I don't have any construction advice, sorry. In RL I only know one or two people who are NC with their parents and/or siblings - and one actually did become NC with her parents because she originally fell out with her toxic SIL (DB's wife) & her parents would invite only her DB & toxic SIL to birthday's, Christmas dinner, etc. etc. and not my friend.

It does seem really sad that siblings get to the point where they can't even be in the same room, behaving in a civil manner, for a couple of hours. They don't even have to speak to each other.

Original poster
Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 18:59

Dh seems more resigned to it all than anything. I don't think we will be mentioning the party as wouldn't want to give sil the satisfaction that we're annoyed.
Mil not helping herself though all these times she eroding her own relationship with her son and that's no one else doing it- its her behaviour. I just feel sorry for him.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 20/11/2015 19:18

fairyfeatures
You also have a DH problem. Tell him to sort his mother out or he goes NC with her too.

Cleansheetsandbedding
Your Dh really needs to stop allowing his family to treat you all like this

Yes, lets make the DH responsible for the acts of others Hmm

Cleansheetsandbedding · 20/11/2015 20:02

boney this is his mother and sister. He should be protecting his wife and child from this bull shit.

mrsmilktray · 20/11/2015 20:09

How did you see it on SIL's FB if you are NC with her?

Original poster
Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 20:12

It was on the mil's FB page

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/11/2015 08:50

Cleansheetsandbedding

He is nc with his sister and his mother is lying to him, yet it is still his fault.

rumbleinthrjungle · 21/11/2015 09:13

Unfortunately you are going to have to write off a relationship with MiL. She is not going to stand up to SiL, that dynamic of being completely controlled by her daughter's behaviour is set and while I get it's very upsetting and frustrating she has chosen SiL over your family, you can't change it.

The only way to defend yourself against this endless game of slap down is to walk away. SiL will see it as a victory but SiL clearly has some serious problems. I suspect without fully detaching including coming off bastard facebookmwhich is such a magic tool for hurting people, you are in for a whole new round of crazies when SiL has a newborn to compete with.

Ememem84 · 21/11/2015 09:22

I suppose I've been sort of nc with mil now for almost a year.

She only speaks to dh. She wants nothing to do with me. Even when she visits.

She upset me last Christmas - said some really horrible things and really hit me when I was at my lowest (not physically hitting me...) and it was all excused by everyone as OK because she was drunk. not ok because I called her on it I'm the bad one. Because I wanted still want an apology I'm the bad one.

She blocked me on fb. All the family blocked me on Fb. This has backfired on her. Dh forgot her birthday. He is close to missing the last post for Christmas. He regularly forgets to Skype her.

Previously I organised everything. We skyped weekly. Going nc or at least limiting my contact to when it's absolutely necessary (ie when she visits us) has been the best thing for me.

Original poster
Somadrightnow · 21/11/2015 09:24

Rumble I've already thought the same Im pretty sure - like the wedding kicked it all off- sadly sil and mil will start again once baby is born :(
I think that would be the last time they did though.

OP posts:
random289 · 21/11/2015 09:43

Whoa-hang on a minute and think of this from your MIL's POV. You and your DH chose NC with his sister. MIL is in a rotten situation having to chose between her kids. Every family type occasion must be very awkward for her. Did you want her to invite you so you could tell her to fuck off if her daughter was there?

Original poster
Somadrightnow · 21/11/2015 09:45

Random please read the thread

OP posts:
random289 · 21/11/2015 09:47

Read it-she shouldn't have lied and a pity your daughter was left out but I still think YAB somewhatU.

random289 · 21/11/2015 10:02

Apologies-I missed the part when you said that you would be willing to attend an event where SIL was present and be civil to her. That puts a different perspective on it.
Still uncomfortable for MIL but if you were willing to be polite to everyone you should have been invited (unless it was organised and hosted by SIL).

rumbleinthrjungle · 21/11/2015 10:04

sadly sil and mil will start again once baby is born Sad

But for them to start again and dump their rubbish all over you means you standing there and letting them. With a newborn, surely you really don't need that?

Yes, it's a difficult, hurtful choice - be hurt by them, or be hurt by accepting MiL favours SiL, always will, and walking away - but that is the choice. There is nothing you can do or say to get MiL to act differently, she isn't ever going to. She's proved that extensively, she is showing you she has made her choice. You can only change how you let it affect you.

You can let MiL contact and chase you to meet up. Make it her responsibility, she comes to you as and when she wants to. But any crap about 'oh I can't come then because SiL wouldn't like it' and just say blandly "yep fine, another time then". Don't engage. Don't feed the crazy. And get rid of bloody facebook, its not worth all the stress.

bluebolt · 21/11/2015 10:13

I do think part of the responses here are the interpretation of NC and one of the reason I hate seeing the term branded about MN. For me going NC is cutting all ties with said person and acknowlegding that this impacts on family and events. Not speaking to family members but agreeing to be civilised is just what happens in many families.

random289 · 21/11/2015 10:19

I think that's where I got confused-thinking that NC meant automatically refusing to be in same room as SIL ,which would make life awkward for MIL and impact on family occasions.
When going fully NC with a family member that has to be accepted.
I can see now that you were prepared to be flexible.