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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious at mil...yet again!

82 replies

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 10:04

You've probably read about my ongoing issues with my mil on other threads.
Basically dh went nc with his dsis after she ignored our dd from birth- she was apparently mad that he didn't have enough time for his nieces and other slights she'd wrongly took Offence at- we tried number our times to sort things out she wasn't interested- just increasingly nasty and vile (FB rants, abusive msg etc).
Mil blamed us entirely for the fall out in the beginning and went on to try to ruin our wedding beforehand and during because we hadn't invited the dsis.
Since then mil said she had spoken to a few friends family members and realises that dsis actually was the root of the arguments and she was going to remind neutral from then on she wouldn't be picking sides anymore.
It was her 60th bday last weekend she told dh she wasn't going to have a party- you know what's coming next...yes there was a party the dsis and her kids were invited obviously we were not and our dd was excluded yet again (we've been told mil can't see dd at Xmas or last Xmas because it upsets the dsis too much!)
I'm just mad my dd is treated like a second grade grandchild because sil stamps her feet its ridiculous.

OP posts:

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 20/11/2015 11:24

worra Whilst I agree to a certain extent, it isnt fair to have one sibling always invited and one sibling always excluded. Other family members have commented on DSis behaviour. DSis saying DM cant see her Grandchildren because she cant is fucking unbelievable, and the MIL is a complete twat for going along with it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/11/2015 11:28

The obvious thing for your DH to say to his DM is along the lines of "Thanks for respecting our wishes to not spend time with SIL. You didn't need to lie to us about the party though, we would have been OK with it in the circumstances. It will be our turn to attend the next party, right?"

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 11:29

the point is that its always the people who go NC that get excluded - therefore giving the abuser another "win"

Exactly this.

It would have been polite to invite us and let us decide- we have said lots of times we would happily go to events and be civil with sil but sil has made it clear she would not be civil with us even if children were present.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2015 11:29

How does the OP know the MIL lied when she said she wasn't having a party?

It might have been a surprise.

In which case (if the dsis organised it), she's not going to invite the OP and her DH is she?

CrumbledFeta · 20/11/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 11:35

I suppose we would never know for certain worra that's true. We would have to accept what she's saying is the truth. But I will again remind you as knee has upthread we are taling about a woman who chose not to see her own GC on Xmas day at the request of a 40 y o having a strop. So I'm inclined to believe she does as she's told.

OP posts:

bluebolt · 20/11/2015 11:35

The SIL no matter how bad her behaviour has not drawn the line in the sand that is NC. I have hardly any contact with my brother but I speak to my nieces if I informed them I was going NC then they would need to choose sides and I am the one who will no longer be invited no matter how much of a dick my brother can be. Nothing wrong in going NC but there will be ripples generally the benefits are worth it but it needs to be clearly thought out.

Floralnomad · 20/11/2015 11:36

My only point would be in reference to your last post where you say you would happily go to some events and be civil to your SIL , that's not really for you to decide its for the person who's event it is to decide as having both sides there may create an unpleasant atmosphere / tension even though you say you will be civil . I say this from experience as I am NC with my Inlaws ( DH still sees them) , we don't go to any family events as it makes it difficult for other family members who still talk to me as well as the Inlaws IYSWIM.

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 11:38

Thank you feta you are right- luckily we see my family lots and have lots of good friends with young children so dd has lots of other things going on she doesn't know any difference- its me picking up on the inequality of it all but this thread is showing me it is a complete waste of energy. I can't change how other people behave I need to find a way to not let it get to me.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/11/2015 11:41

It sounds as if your MIL has acted badly in the past.

Re the party-supposing it was a surprise, should she have said no because her son & daughter are NC?

You could have asked herout for a meal if you'd wanted to for example.

She's not going to be able to remain neutral is she & if she gets asked to do things by herdaughter then she will.

coconutpie · 20/11/2015 11:42

Why continue to entertain this nonsense any longer? Your MIL has demonstrated how she doesn't consider your family to be her priority so don't make her your priority. And no, you don't have to see her soon because you'll have a newborn. She has no interest in your DD so why expose another child to that crap. There is no way I would put up with her behaviour. She is not remaining neutral - she has chosen her side. It'll be a far easier life for you all just to go NC with her. It's not setting a good example for your DD anyway to put up with this crap.

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 11:43

He did say 'shall we do something for your bday' which didn't want to- but obviously I could see how if a surprise party was organised and you only found out at the last moment that would be different.
However I do think in that instance-that after the event it would have better for mil to contact dh and say that rather than let us find out via FB.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/11/2015 11:43

Of course choosing not to see your kids because SIL demands that is ridiculous.

Sounds as if she's a good candidate for NC as well!

Jux · 20/11/2015 11:45

Why on earth would you allow her to see the newborn? Don't include her.

She's made it very clear that you are not important, so it is only you who are still trying to keep a relationship alive where there is none. When it suits her, she'll see you, but she'll happily exclude you when she wants to and doesn't give a shit about how it makes you all feel.

You don't have to see her every few weeks.
You don't have to see her when your baby's born.

Does dh have a good independent relationship with any others of his family? Who's throwing this bigger party? Can your dh let them know that he'd like his family involved, but that MIL won't oblige? Maybe because it's a bigger party, both you and sil can be there and just keep out of each other's ways?

Jux · 20/11/2015 11:51

Why don't you throw a party - just a casual buffet lunch - and invite dh's wider family? When you're hosts, you choose who gets invited so the only person excluded would ge SIL. You could invite your family too. Just have a load of kids running about, and adults gossiping in the kitchen, with snacks and beer.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 20/11/2015 11:59

the point is that its always the people who go NC that get excluded - therefore giving the abuser another "win"

true in one way

But it's a great deal bigger win to surround yourself with decent, pleasant people in the long run, and cut out negative and subtly destructive people.

Let them play their game, and you play yours: build up honest and decent people as an extended network instead.

BlueJug · 20/11/2015 12:00

You went NC - your choice. What is MiL to do? Never see her DD? You make such a fuss about your DD but MiL has a DD too - and if you are NC is MiL supposed to ignore her own daughter??

You said SiL didn't take notice of your DD. But apparently you didn't take notice of her DC. Is it one of those where kids are not interesting until you have your own? Did you make a huge fuss of your niece - birthday presents, treats, time spent with her?

You seem to want MiL to be on your side - but how can she be? You wouldn't take sides with your own kids. It is ridiculous - grow up. You just want to be right, to score points - it is no way example to your own DD. (Hope she marries someone you like - you will be a MiL one day)

If your DH chooses to go NC with his family then that is sad for everyone but you can't play the game of going NC with SiL but expecting HER to be excluded from the rest of her family because you don't like her.

I have tricky SiL but my brother loves her and my Mum loves my brother. My choice.

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 12:09

bluejag your assumptions are ridiculous and completely incorrect- I would never expect mil to not see her own dd!
I would expect her to be honest with everyone though- and I would expect mil to respect our wishes when we said sil wasn't welcome at our wedding given the numerous vile msg she'd been sending and the fact she has said she will never be civil with us.
Wrt sil dc they are older and we've always had good relationships with them and we expected that to continue when our dd was born sadly this didn't happen as sil basically stopped seeing us after her initial visit with our baby.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/11/2015 12:15

The problem is that you being NC with SIL is impacting on MIL, so really she can deal with that how she chooses imo.

That said, it does seem to add fuel to the fire that she really isn't that bothered about her son and his family.

If she's getting to see you all whilst treating you badly, there's no reason for her to change.

StrictlyMumDancing · 20/11/2015 12:21

There are two ways a parent can handle this situation, whether they like it or not. You can tow the line with one side but you have to then acknowledge that you make a choice and you have to live with the fall out. Or you remain neutral.

My GPs did the first, whilst trying to save face and occasionally have contact with DM. When they did that the NC relation went nuts. Ultimately GPs now have two of their children NC with each other and them.

DM realised that approach was not going to work with I went NC with my own sister. DM to her credit remains staunchly neutral in the face of my sister's vitriol, and tells her to grow the fuck up and asks how sister would like it if DM didn't have a relationship with her because I said so. When we see each other, sister is told to suck it up (as would I be I'm sure, but then I don't expect DM and sister not to have a relationship just because I don't want one with sister).

In the case the OP gives I'd fully expect my DM to tell me that yes, something has been arranged and she would prefer we didn't attend. But then my DM would also make sure to do something with me and my kids to even it out - or she'd tell my sister that we were to be invited and if she couldn't behave for a few hours then she would be out the door.

OP, your DH needs to figure out where he goes from here. Like others have suggested, if you and him want family involved then you probably are going to have to be more proactive in arranging events without your SIL.

BlueJug · 20/11/2015 12:23

My assumptions are based on what you said. Of course you are the only one who knows the truth so I am probably wrong.. Your MiL and SiL maybe harpies from hell - or not. We only have your side of the story and it is very one sided.

All I am saying is that being "right" comes at a cost. If your Ds's wife is a complete to your DD and goes NC - as a mother it is very difficult to handle.

If they are all bad it is simple to leave them behind and be with people who like you/ tell you are right/ support you. Of course it is. But it comes at a cost and you can't complain about it like a spoilt child.

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 12:34

Yes I'm sure it is difficult to handle in general but when we're talking about specific events ie last Xmas mil being told by sil not to come and see her own grandchild then I think as a grown up the answer is quite a simple fuck off

OP posts:

diddl · 20/11/2015 12:41

"then I think as a grown up the answer is quite a simple fuck off"

You would think so.

But then if you don't kick up a fuss, MIL gets to keep SIL onside & also to keep a relationship with you & your hildren.

Win win!

Mintyy · 20/11/2015 13:08

So you would have been happy if mil had invited you and you could have said "No, fuck off, sil will be there!".

It all sounds extremely childish to me.

Original poster

Somadrightnow · 20/11/2015 13:17

No we wouldn't have said that Mintyy again I would have liked either option for dd to have been included, not to have been lied to beforehand if she knew or to have been told after by mil herself rather than find out through FB that again- dd is the one GC getting left out/ignored.

OP posts:

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