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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if any people manage to go through life without hassle from others?

78 replies

Libbyella · 19/11/2015 22:26

And if so, what is the secret to it?

I hate conflict and confrontation but I regularly (by that I mean once every 2 or 3 years) come across someone who is determined to fall out with me for some tiny or imagined misdemeanour. Not only do they fall out with me, they turn others against me by bitching about me too. I rise above things and just keep a dignified silence but it kinds of taints me as a person in other peoples' views.

Does this kind of thing happen to everyone, or am I just unlucky?

OP posts:

slicedfinger · 19/11/2015 22:30

Nope. YANBU. I increasingly think it is universal. Other people are often weird and bonkers.

AtSea1979 · 19/11/2015 22:32

Every couple of years seems a lot. This has happened to me but probably only a couple of times. Or maybe I don't notice them bitching about me behind my back

treaclesoda · 19/11/2015 22:33

This has never happened to me in my adult life, although I certainly experienced it as a teenager.

treaclesoda · 19/11/2015 22:36

I wouldn't say that there is a secret to it, but the one thing I would say is that I try to avoid people who have a history of falling out with other people, if you know what I mean. If I am getting to know someone and they start bitching about someone else, I generally distance myself, because I know that it is almost certain that some day they will be bitching about me.

Original poster

Libbyella · 19/11/2015 22:41

Reflecting on it, it is probably my fault.

I am not a good judge of character and often end up with difficult/bitchy types of friends as they are keen to befriend me and it takes me a while to realise what they are like. Then they throw their toys out of their pram when I can't or won't do as they say. I am also probably not as assertive as I would like to be.

Current situation is basically a friend getting annoyed about something she wanted me to do for her but I couldn't, which resulted in her defriending and blocking me on FB, and sending a group message to the other friends in that friendship group saying she will not meet with them again if I am there. So now they all feel bad as they have to meet with me separately and I feel like that friendship group has imploded and it is all my fault.

OP posts:

Justanotherlurker · 19/11/2015 22:42

Nobody goes through life without conflict and confrontation surely?

You just learn to rub along/ignore or accept you may be in the wrong in some scenarios.

You shrug of what you can and take appropriate action on what you can't.

Tis life unfortunetly, although your probably best ignoring me as I've been melancholic for the past couple of days and lashed out at a few people.

BackforGood · 19/11/2015 22:43

No - it's not something I recognise.
I think if you get out and about in life then you are bound to come across people that you don't particularly get on with or don't necessarily want to spend time with, but you just move on - doesn't have to be a drama.

reni2 · 19/11/2015 22:43

Happened once to me. Friends who are hard work, thrive on being slighted or love character assassinations are off the menu since then. It's just too exhausting.

treaclesoda · 19/11/2015 22:44

No, it's not your fault, you can't blame yourself for other people's behaviour.

TiredButFineODFOJ · 20/11/2015 00:19

I'm not a good judge of character, people think it's really odd when I say that but it's true. I believe any old bollocks people tell me, because why would they lie?
However I'm quite loud and confident. Although I have gone through a bit of what you describe, and found that the "others" didn't stand up for me I just said nothing and held my head high. In the end, I won. She decided we should "let it go" after a good few years whatever it was she imagined I had done.
To be fair these sort of people go about doing this sort of thing and they often pick on exactly the sort of person who won't react crazily and loudly, and shout the odds at them. They are basically slightly broken (but don't acknowledge it).
Have a google of NPD, personality disorders and "drama triangle" and see if that helps you understand why some people have to be this way

Pollyputhtekettleon · 20/11/2015 00:24

I have very very little drama in my life with people. Last time I fell out with someone I was 17. Although there is one woman who hates me from the moment she met me but it makes no difference to me. She's not in my life enough to matter. I've never had a row with a family member or colleague. People are generally very decent and respectful I've found but then I think I treat people like that too. Any weirdos that cross my path I generally find either interesting or I give them a wide birth.

GoneAndDone · 20/11/2015 00:36

I can think of one instance of it happening to me as an adult and I know why it did.

If it happens to you that often, have you considered it's something you do or perhaps the people you choose to be friends with?

Fatmomma99 · 20/11/2015 00:57

what I hate is someone stating something as a "truth" which isn't, but because it's been stated, it becomes true, even though it's bollocks.

I can cope with the above, but I really, really can't abide that.

It's happened to me twice, and chokes me with rage.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/11/2015 01:36

I am a low-drama sort of person, but I can't think of any particular things I do or don't do, to avoid it. I am fortunate to be surrounded by normal people - but that's just luck, surely. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, and I don't think it's necessarily all about being a good judge of character.

I don't really know what to advise. I guess taking a bit more time to get to know people probably helps. When you're at school and in your 20s you're thrown in with everyone, and you get very close with people very quickly, and I suppose inevitably there is fall-out from that. As you get older those sorts of friendships are less likely, so you'd think there'd be far less associated drama. That's all I can think of for why it doesn't seem to be a feature of my life as an adult.

Senpai · 20/11/2015 03:40

Had it happen to me. Interestingly enough, no one really cared what ex-friend said because they already knew me. I just didn't humor it by contributing my own gossip. We're still friends, ex-friend has moved on to a new victim group.

I wouldn't worry about people gossiping, at the end of the day if their opinion has really changed they weren't a good friend in the first place. I had a friend's ex tell me he gave her STD's. It has not changed my opinion of him except for mild concern that he isn't wearing a condom with his habit of picking up the most dysfunctional girls in existence.

ProjectPerfect · 20/11/2015 04:48

I don't recognise the behaviour you describe beyond school age.

Certainly as an adult I'd have very little patience with someone who emailed me to say that she would not meet with me if someone else was there. Unless that soneone had done something utterly heinous.

theycallmemellojello · 20/11/2015 06:59

Hm I don't recognise this kind of behaviour either. I don't know if it's just luck, but I will say that I am the kind of person who only has a few close friends. I have other friends of course, but don't consider them close, and am able to let friendships go if they're not working. Sometimes I think that some posters place too much reliance on their friends - if you set a great deal a store by the way others treat you, you're in danger of being hurt because you can't control their actions.

Bunbaker · 20/11/2015 07:15

DD has had this happen a few times at school, but it is typical teenage behaviour. I don't know any adults who behave like this. I probably give them a wide berth, or they realise that I wouldn't put up with this sort of crap.

KeepOnMoving1 · 20/11/2015 07:27

I can't say this is something I have gone through. Then again I think I am a good judge of character and if something isn't for me I move on.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 20/11/2015 07:41

I suppose hermits avoid conflict.

Other than that, there are a lot of aggressive, narcissistic, sociopathic and plain argumentative people out there.

RabbitSaysWoof · 20/11/2015 07:50

I think for me this kind if thing ended after collage too. The thing for me tho in avoiding it is that I can be a bit introverted anyway so I tend to have friends individually from different workplaces or collage and school friends, they are not really friends with each other, a few people I know have been victims of this in their adult lives they tend to have larger group friendships as well and I don't think FB helps, I'm not on there but I think people I know who are tend to have more drama in their lives.
If you are not attached to a person via others it's easier to slope away when they start to take the piss.

ZaZathecat · 20/11/2015 07:56

I think you've nailed it OP, it's not your fault but you can't spot the ones to avoid in the first place. I have very few conflicts in my life but all my friends are made over a long period of time so I really trust them and I avoid anyone who seems bitchy or two-faced like the plague.

Kampeki · 20/11/2015 07:58

I don't fall out with anyone in my personal life tbh, apart from the odd row with DH, and even they don't last for long.

I have occasionally experienced conflict in work, but only then when managing "difficult" people and carrying out my responsibilities as a line manager. And it has never been personal for me in those situations, just doing my job.

I do know adults who often fall out with others. I don't really understand it myself - life is too short!

HPsauciness · 20/11/2015 08:01

I tend to keep away from groups for this reason, I think they tend to be more dramatic and the dynamic harder than one to one friends who I almost never fall out with. I have had cross words with one or two people in about 20 years, so not a huge amount, but I do sometimes end up in slight conflict, I wouldn't say it never happens, but it doesn't happen a lot and it happens very little in my friendships as I would rather just let it slide than go for confrontation.

I am also not on FB so if I am being socially excluded, I won't know about it!

FunkyPeacock · 20/11/2015 08:05

I have not experienced what you describe since school so it is certainly possible to avoid but not sure if I'm just lucky or you are doing something which attracts these type of people

The only thing I can think that I consciously do which nay help is to be careful about making new friends - I suppose I purposefully hold back with acquaintences (colleagues, school mums, friends of friends etc) until I know them a little better before becoming too friendly - it's easy enough to get more friendly with someone once you've discovered they're cool than to extract yourself from a friendship already formed if you discover they're a diva/bitch/drama queen or whatever!

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