To wonder if any people manage to go through life without hassle from others?

[Libbyella]

And if so, what is the secret to it?

I hate conflict and confrontation but I regularly (by that I mean once every 2 or 3 years) come across someone who is determined to fall out with me for some tiny or imagined misdemeanour. Not only do they fall out with me, they turn others against me by bitching about me too. I rise above things and just keep a dignified silence but it kinds of taints me as a person in other peoples' views.

Does this kind of thing happen to everyone, or am I just unlucky?

I think it is really horrible to suggest that people who don't have a lot of drama in their lives must be the bullies/manipulators themselves.

I think ethel was just having a dig back at the posters suggesting that the OP must be at fault rather than unlucky, wasn't she? I didn't take her to be entirely serious.

There was a great deal of head-tilty "I' haven't been involved in any dispute with anyone since school" and even some explicit "if you've experienced friction more than once then YOU must be the problem" going on on this thread. It was unpleasant and really unfair to OP.

IME those that have a lot of drama going on generally 'encourage' or cause it to a degree.

MIL, BIL and my dsis are the main ones I can think of. Guaranteed at least once a week one of them will phone with the latest BIG THING.

MIL is superior and aggressive when she's pissed off and frequently 'speaks her mind'. BIL has low self esteem and is extremely paranoid - so people often leave him out, look at him wrong, make a dig - which is probably mainly imagined. My sister is lonely and unhappy for various reasons so any sort of drama is an 'event' which she (seemingly unconsciously) encourages to tipping levels rather than ignores.

Dh and I are both quite laid back and don't really have any problems with anyone. DH had a (serious) issue with his manager at work about 3 years ago which resulted in him being dismissed and successfully taking them to a tribunal. That was 'our drama' for about 4 months...and that's it. I can't really think of anyone I argue or have problems with at all, and the same for dh.

I don't think it's purely down to luck sorry op, and if you're frequently experiencing these problems I think you should also look at your own actions to see if it could have been avoided.

Crikey, I'd love to see some of you advising on a DV thread.

Or not.

This isn't remotely similar to a DV thread.

If you're constantly persecuted by one individual then it's obviously the individual (persecutor) at fault.

If you're constantly persecuted by everyone, a whole variety of people who are causing you problems - on the bus, at work, at the dc's school, in random car parks and shops (which may not be the op, but it does seem to happen to many on mn) then IMO you need to start by looking a little closer to home for the possible root of all these problems.

That's common sense, not victim blaming.

I think its to do with bonding. Some people have never grown out of that school children mentality of making friends by excluding others.

The program about 4 and 5 year olds showed thats how they cement friendship groups.

IME those that have a lot of drama going on generally 'encourage' or cause it to a degree was rather sweeping. It's not unknown for people who've been victimized once to be victimized again, for complicated reasons that don't confer any blame on them. Or for people just not to be very skilled at side-stepping life's drama queens.

If you're constantly persecuted by everyone, a whole variety of people who are causing you problems - on the bus, at work, at the dc's school, in random car parks and shops (which may not be the op, but it does seem to happen to many on mn)

No, not the OP. Just something you dreamt up?

I do tend to agree. The "difficult" woman I know has told me of fallings out with a previous group of friends, her brother and SIL and her PIL too.

I agree that I don't have intense friendships either. Just normal friends who do nice things for each other.

I imagine it IS much more difficult if you remain in your home town, surrounded by overlapping teen/childhood/early adult networks. I would hate to have remained all my life where I grew up, bumping into childhood acquaintances everywhere, everyone knowing everyone else.

"Every PTA, every community committee I have ever been involved with has mad bitchy elements of pointless trouble-making and intrigue"

That has not been my experience at all.

I would send a group message to the same people saying " apparently a message was sent by x - just to give you context my only crime was not doing abc, I have no problem with x except for her bizarre issue with me and don't want it to get in the way of everyone's friendships so wanted to say I appreciate all of you and have no problem if she is invited when I am and am happy to be friendly with x if she comes around from whatever issue she is having - I haven't set out to hurt anyone or break any friendships and hope we can all get over this xxx"

honestly - since I was about 25 I have not encountered anything like this - it all seems very adolescent

Of course it's adolescent. Being dragged into the adolescence seems to be the source of OP's embarrassment.

I don't think anyone goes through life without some hassle from other people. Its how we respond to it that shapes our character.

I agree that if someone is regularly having people fall out with them they should look objectively at themselves.
Sometimes it isn't that they are a drama queen but more that they are conflict avoidant. Some people are over sensitive too.
Sometimes though someone can just be plain unlucky There can sometimes be a lot of bitching in the workplace-necessary to grow a thick skin and rise above it.
Hurtful when the hassle is with someone who seemed to be a real friend. A lot of this is caused by other people's insecurities and competitiveness-so not fair to always victim blame.
This tends to be worse in adolescents but certainly doesn't stop.

I just don't engage with drama queens. I don't bitch about my friends and I have never heard any of them bitching about any friends either. We're all grown up.

Excellent posts by treaclesoda , SummerNights, and Bunbaker

"Every PTA, every community committee I have ever been involved with has mad bitchy elements of pointless trouble-making and intrigue"

Like Bunbaker - I've spent over 30 years being parts of all sorts of committees - PTA, Church, other things my dc have been involved in and other things I've joined or volunteered for, and this certainly isn't my experience either, which, once again brings it back to some people seeing drama where there needn't be any, IMO. Also, strawberrytealeaf, I've no idea why it would make a difference, but I live within 3 miles of where I was born, my dc went to the same Junior school I went to etc. I've managed to work alongside people who are very different from me, and managed to be friendly with people without our lives becoming completely entwined.

I suspect it helps if you're a massive introvert and rather socially oblivious like me. Other than one isolated incident, I haven't had anything like this happen to me.

The isolated incident was at work, when we managed to hire what I can only describe as a sociopath. Had I not been the woman's line manager, I probably wouldn't have noticed, either - just that she realised she was not pulling the wool over my eyes so then went over my head to try to get me in trouble, which clearly I had to deal with as it was work and a hierarchy.

I'm not even sure I understand what a 'friendship group' is as I don't really have any. I have a few good friends, most on other continents as I made them decades ago. Plus some acquaintances. I sometimes think I'd like more friends as I can be lonely, then I read stuff here and think maybe not...

I do have one friend who runs (to me) randomly hot and cold. She's also constantly apologising for things that didn't even hit my radar. It's entirely possible I'm offended her left, right, and centre, unawares, and that would explain the cold periods.

I also just don't notice slights and digs and such. It only occurred to me months after the woman finally left work that a very strange thing she kept going on about was meant to be insulting me. At the time, I was just mystified, as it really didn't make sense. So, who knows, there could be people out there activitly trying to antagonise me and I'm simply not picking up on it.

I am like bunbaker.

I don't rise to the bait. So many on MN see 'smile,nod,ignore' as a weakness instead of a strength. MIL problems are a good example. If she comes up with something silly they seem incapable of a mild 'really' and changing the subject and they have to 'put her right' in the strongest possible terms. It isn't necessary.

On MN I get into some ridiculous arguments such as it being anti social to eat an egg sandwich on a train. In RL I would just ignore completely.

I am also surprised at how people think you should tackle problems if things go wrong. As soon as you have lost your temper and are rude, you have lost. If you keep calm and are polite and reasonable you are far more likely to be listened to.

I avoid situations that might have conflict. e.g. I have only been on holiday with laid back friends. I have some good friends that I wouldn't go on holiday with- they are perfectly nice but have an agenda, expectations, different parenting ideas, may want to spend more than me etc. They are lovely for a few hours, or a day out- but not a week in close contact.

I also don't expect them to have the same views as me- variety is the spice of life! It doesn't bother me what religion they have, or don't have, or politics- if I like them that is fine. It would be boring if we thought the same. I don't attempt to 'educate' them.

I am careful about becoming too pally with people I first meet whether at work, through a friend, school mum. Instead, I am friendly from a distance and observe their behaviour. Any signs of bitchiness, spitefulness, I pull back.

I avoid meeting women in groups as I feel this fuels bitchiness. I prefer one on one friendships. An ex work colleague had a group of friends, each week she would bitch about one to the other on the work phone. I thought "if only they knew".

I have witnessed the end result of women who become pally too quickly and it turns sour. Very ugly and not at all for me.

A couple of years ago, I had two people behave really badly and strangely towards me. Unfortunately I told person 2 about my time with person 1, which I guess instantly validated her I'll feeling towards me

I was really sad, very confused, because I'd not had anything like this happen in the 25 years since someone at school went off on one.

It turned out Person 1 had a brain tumour and her personality was affected. And Person 2 has a lot on her plate and a history of being strange about just not liking people that much. (Most of us just shrug and move on; she invites you round and then visibly hates you.)

What I'm saying is, these things don't come from nowhere: I am sure neither of these people liked me. the point is, it's ok and normal not to like people, but when you can't cope with that, it causes pain.

So OP if you have a lot of people in your life who see a lot of problems everywhere, or are very selfish, or who have unaddressed mental health issues, or who frankly just don't have the social skills needed to navigate normal life (where a lot goes unsaid!), then maybe that's part of your problem.

To answer the op, i can't see how anyone avoids this. It's the human condition. I think some are much better at not giving a stuff/ignoring it. Or have the hind of a rhino and are oblivious. Still others have got good at giving out "don't mess with me" vibes when required. I am still working on that. Pays not to be too nice also!

I was coming on to say Ah OP so it's not just me then?! in a jovial manner when I read the thread and lo, it seems that this is because other people are better than me at avoiding conflict. Ah. I see

Mehitabel - I have holidayed with friends. Hanging out with someone for a day or a few hours is a far cry from spending all day with them for a fortnight.

I have known women who openly shared they just could not get along with other woman at college/work. They put it down to jealousy on the other person's part. I put it down to their arrogance and the fact that they were not very kind people. Their character always shown through after a time.