To wonder if any people manage to go through life without hassle from others?

[Libbyella]

And if so, what is the secret to it?

I hate conflict and confrontation but I regularly (by that I mean once every 2 or 3 years) come across someone who is determined to fall out with me for some tiny or imagined misdemeanour. Not only do they fall out with me, they turn others against me by bitching about me too. I rise above things and just keep a dignified silence but it kinds of taints me as a person in other peoples' views.

Does this kind of thing happen to everyone, or am I just unlucky?

I never gossip or bitch at work. I have a few close friends I have known for years. So I avoid the dramas as much as I can. It has happened though were some person has decided they want to fall out with me over a pair of slippers for e.g. I find it tedious and won't have anything to do them from then on.
Think of this saying:
If I cut you off, you handed me the scissors.

OP Im currently in therapy asking this question! I hv similar issues and have done all my adult life and people closest to me are often baffled by it but it happened over and over again.
First with friends (not so much anymore as I am better at avoiding the dicks and don't do friendship groups) and now at work. I left my last two jobs following bullying over petty perceived 'misdemeanours' despite being v good at my job.
My therapist thinks that I was forced into a scapegoat role by my family (still am) and I unconsciously take the blame for things, which mean arseholes see me as an easy target.
Im not saying that is what has happened to you, but for some reason nasty people do have a knack for knowing who they can get away with blaming when things go wrong even if there is no rational reason for it.

I think if you do a lot of social media then it increases the chances of meeting and antagonising weird people.
I also think that continually broadcasting every thought you have all the time (which facebook encourages us to do) the quicker you are likely to discover a person with issues.

I don't FB but once it took about 6 years of close friendship for us to realise one of our friends was very very dodgy.

If he'd done FB we might have noticed a lot earlier.

Stay off FB

I've never had conflict as an adult, or much really as a teenager. But I have normal friends and if someone seems bitchy or annoying I just don't see them, don't make a big deal of it, just am polite if I see them but don't arrange anything.

I have also told people a couple of times that I don't talk about people behind their back, in a polite way, so I don't get embroiled in conflict situations.

The funny thing is, I am a litigator! My job was just conflict conflict conflict. All day, more conflict.

Nope, I don't have any experience like this. Not even as a teenager. I have no patience for drama queens and don't have them in my life except xh

Other than that, there are a lot of aggressive, narcissistic, sociopathic and plain argumentative people out there

Not my experience at all.

This
I have very very little drama in my life with people. Last time I fell out with someone I was 17. Although there is one woman who hates me from the moment she met me but it makes no difference to me. She's not in my life enough to matter. I've never had a row with a family member or colleague. People are generally very decent and respectful I've found but then I think I treat people like that too. Any weirdos that cross my path I generally find either interesting or I give them a wide birth.
is my experience.
and this
I've never had conflict as an adult, or much really as a teenager. But I have normal friends and if someone seems bitchy or annoying I just don't see them, don't make a big deal of it, just am polite if I see them but don't arrange anything

which leads me to agreeing with this If it happens to you that often, have you considered it's something you do or perhaps the people you choose to be friends with?

But I see this all the time on MN Sometimes I think that some posters place too much reliance on their friends - if you set a great deal a store by the way others treat you, you're in danger of being hurt because you can't control their actions
People overthinking every little comment or analysing what it means if someone doesn't text back within a very narrow window, or - shock horror - dares to have other friends which are nothing to do with the poster.

Not my experience at all.

Where do you all live? Every PTA, every community committee I have ever been involved with has mad bitchy elements of pointless trouble-making and intrigue. Are you just very very good at not noticing the puerile shenanigans?

I get hassle off other people, but not the kind the OP describes. I have ditched Facebook friends - not many, and been ditched. I have no idea who if anyone bitches about me behind my back. Not sure what the AIBU is here.

OP I think you are having a slightly hard time here, over someone being a cow to you. Not getting involved in other people's conflicts is very different to suddenly finding yourself under attack from someone else over something you didn't do/very petty.
I have managed to stay out of other people's conflicts absolutely fine by not bitching and gossiping. But if anything, staying out of the politics has made things worse for me in work situations.
As I said, Im trying to do something about it.
But I think it is very easy, if you are not a target, to not realise how nasty some people can be. I took a while out of work due to a general experience of my line of work being full of narcissistic, controlling nut jobs who were out to get you and your job. And I was right. They were.
If you are not the kind of person who is for some reason confident enough that you are high enough up the hierarchy to not experience this side of people. Good for you. But don't suggest your experience is somehow the 'truth'.
OP this is affecting your friendships which is something you can control. You will find out whether or not your other friends are going to listen to this bitch. If they don't, then no bother. If they do, well there was a hierarchy in place you weren't aware of but now are. Im afraid you just need to move on and figure out how to avoid arseholes next time, whether that is stopping being involved in friendship groups or making sure you aren't seen as a target, either by just being more confident or taking more of a leading role.
Are you particularly needy?

Strawberryleaftea I do wonder if people who claim they NEVER experience it are in fact the ones doing it.

ethel

That's very interesting about being used as a scapegoat, this has happened to me on a few occasions where I've been blamed for things I had no part and bullied as an adult. I've put it down to me being quite passive and quiet people know they will 'get away with it'. Being a poor judge of character has also played a part in it for me I can see that now.
I know where you're coming from op

Strawberry its true, a current hoo haa at my allotment (mentioned on another thread) has been started, as always, by the queen bee couple who have declared war on a couple other plot holders over complete trivialities. I have managed to come out of it unscathed, as far as I am aware as I just don't get involved.
However, i do remember with a wry smile that this woman introduced herself to me as someone who gets on with everyone.
A wise woman once told me, if there's no twat at the conference then it must be you.

a current hoo haa at my allotment (mentioned on another thread) has been started, as always, by the queen bee couple who have declared war on a couple other plot holders over complete trivialities.

Yes, that's the kind of thing

Churches are also terrible for it, oddly enough

I have managed to come out of it unscathed, as far as I am aware as I just don't get involved.

It's not easy is it? I find fostering an air of blank distraction works well. Failing that, I go for unalloyed stupidity

I've only ever had one episode of this, when we moved countries and I was befriended by someone who it turned out was known for getting super close to people, then being offended by some innocuous comment or misunderstanding, and turning on then, as she did with me. I wish I'd known she had form for this as I'd have avoided her like the plague, but we were new to the country and keen to make friends.

Absolutely bonkers she was; a narcissist bordering on sociopathic. I can see it clearly now but it was a huge shocker at the time and I went through a period of blaming myself for the situation, which I now know wasn't the case.

There is a woman in my group of friends who I can see is a bit difficult. Eg she will arrange an outing or a lunch but only invite select people or will make plans and cancel if something better comes along. She has also bitched to me about another friend.

So I have just distanced myself. Am perfectly pleasant but am also wary and haven't got close.

I don't think it's me causing the problems! Hopefully

It's just how it is unfortunately. Those people generally aren't worth knowing anyway.

There is a person in my life like this. They married aa close blood relative so I can't avoid them. Other than that I have managed to avoid people like that and I think alot of it is due to my experience with this family member who really shattered my innocence. Before they came into my life, there were nice people and bullies but never nice people who turned into bullies. Like pp, I am wary of people who want to get too close too quickly and who 'bitch' about other people to me.

I have had this happen to me once, although unfortunately it was a close friend who did it. I was very very upset for a long time, particularly as none of my other friends in the friendship group stood up for me.
However, in the long run it was the best thing that could have happened as I distanced myself from the whole group and made some new friends. I was very careful about who I became friends with, making very sure that they weren't the sort to bitch about their other friends, or be put out if I did something with another friend and not them. It has been so liberating to finally have real friends, and not to have to watch what I say in front of them for fear of upsetting them.
It took a long time mind you, but it's been so worth it.

Oh, and it is definitely not your fault that the friendship group has imploded, it's hers! She's the one making people choose.

I think it is really horrible to suggest that people who don't have a lot of drama in their lives must be the bullies/manipulators themselves.

Most people I know just go through life keeping their heads down, having a chat with other people, occasionally meeting a friend for a coffee or a drink etc. I don't have the sort of very intense friendships that people on mumsnet often describe though, so maybe that accounts for some of it?

But similarly, when I have a group of friends, I have never ever had one of them say to me 'oh, wait until you hear what A said about you' or 'wait until you hear what B said about C'. It just doesn't happen in my world. It is an absolute rule with my friends that we don't backstab each other, it just doesn't happen.

"but it kinds of taints me as a person in other peoples' views."

That's the problem imo.

Why areothers believing stuff about you?

I fell out with someone a while ago & it didn't affect any other friendships of either of us.

We are friends again now as I got overmyself