To be fed up of my MIL commenting on my eating habits?

[butlerbabies]

Let me start off by saying she's not a big woman! I've always been a small portion eater, and if I don't like something, I won't eat it. If I am full, I will not force myself to eat it.

Once again tonight, for the 1000th time, I was questioned as to why I didn't finish what was on my plate. I handed my plate to MIL as she went around collecting plates. I said "that was absolutely lovely, thank you" which immediately followed by her asking "not nice enough for you to finish it though, is it? "

I really felt quite embarrassed because DP, BIL and BIL's partner were all looking my way. I'm really quite fed up of her comments like this.

I've never been one to be pampered to. As a Spanish family growing up, I ate from normal menus and I was never a fussy eater, I just don't like large portions. I don't think kids menus were heard of, actually...

For example, I've always made it clear that I wouldn't want anything to go to waste, and have always said 'just a small bit for me please' because MIL hates waste.

Recently, we had a girls night in whilst FIL and DP/BIL went for drinks. We arranged to all chip in and buy a big bonus bucket of KFC chicken etc (my favourite), which came to £5 each. After handing my fiver over when we'd all eaten, she exclaimed "Oh no love, you keep it. You hardly touched a thing lol" (I did, I'm not sure she realised that time ).

I'm just getting a bit fed up with people getting pissy with me for not being a big eater. I'm not pin thin either. And besides that, I don't think the quantity of my dinner plate consumption has much to do with anyone really!

AIBU? Should I expected to get glares if I don't force feed? It's quite disrespectful in my books. I know it's a cultural thing with some, but she's British through and through and Brits are wasteful people (I'm not saying that's an excuse to be wasteful etc). I'm just pointing out that are family don't have certain 'customs'.

I absolutely hate the clear your plate thing!
I used to get comments from expil so now I head it off with 'wow mil that was lovely but I'm absolutely stuffed' just as I'm setting my knife and fork down

If anyone says anything I just laugh

Surely when it's being dished up you ask for a smaller portion?

People are funny about food. I have a small appetite and I'm a very slow eater so I tend to feel full while there is still food on the plate. I've had comments about it for years, it is annoying tbh. I was surprised at how relieved I was to discover my now DH also has a small appetite when we first started dating. I hadn't realised how much I had become used to expecting a comment when we first ate out. My DH has also gone through life dealing with comments about his small appetite -and he isn't small, he's 6'3" and well built.

Frankly I would love to turn it around when someone says something, such as "It's not that I don't eat enough, it's that you all eat so much!" Of course I'm too polite to actually say such a thing...

YANBU

I would never overeat to please someone else.

But you need to firmly state (with a smile) that it's her fault for giving you more than you can eat.

MIL needs to get a grip that was rude.

Interesting replies.

Sorry if I caused offence with the British wasted comment. I made the comment because we waste a lot as a nation.. Obviously not compared to the US but they're something else and we all know that

I was always told by my mother "eat up there are children starving in Biafra".

Of course one reason the nation is getting obese is portion sizes that are far too large....

It is a cultural thing in the UK to clear your plate, as a sign you enjoyed your meal.

In fact, a few years ago, there was an ad on television, where an English man in China was being served larger and larger portions of eel, and clearing his plate, every time, because he didn't understand that there, it is polite to leave some, to show your guests have provided more than enough.

I think, though, that these days, many people appreciate that clearing your plate, when not hungry, is probably not good for you.

TBH, though, while I'm sure it's a little annoying, some times you just have to try to rub along together for the sake of harmony.

It's rude to comment on how much/little anyone eats. I grew up with food being put in the middle of the table and everyone helping themselves. We have always served food this way and continue to do so. I don't eat a lot and hate the comments I get if we are eating out either at friends or at restaurants. I also hate people loading my plate to overflowing.

Is it a British thing to plate up & serve?

Perhaps it depends on the meal?

Sometimes we have stuff on the table & help ourselves, but if we had a roast & just put meat on the plates for example, there wouldn't be room for dishes of potatoes, veg, jug of gravy...

But yes the sensible thing would be to serve less than you think & there be more for people if they want.

Or ask as you are plating up.

Not that hard!

itsmelord my Nan use to say this, my sister's reply once was "send it to them if they want it that badly then"

knitted "Surely when it's being dished up you ask for a smaller portion?"

yes, the OP said clearly that she always asks for a smaller portion to avoid waste. I suppose the next option is to go further and actually say "ooh that's lovely thanks" while someone is dishing up, when you want them to stop.

I was brought up to always always finish the entire plate - I still believe this in my head even in restaurants... Especially at other people's houses. It was rude in our family not to finish the plate. I remember my Auntie yelling at her daughter "why can't you be like hanging!! She always finishes her food!!"

Probably why I've never been slim!!

Oh and if other half doesn't finish my meals I get offended. (My upbringing!)

Brits are not wasteful people! Up to that point ywnbu

If she hates waste, she should know to give you small portions. She probably isn't trying to make you feel uncomfortable just stick with your small portions and she should soon get the message!

People can be very odd about food, particularly women, who are socialised into having complicated relationships with it (assumption that women buy and cook food, cater family gatherings, body image, social stress on thinness etc).

My mother (not British, incidentally) thinks it's hospitable to present people with food even when they've specifically said they can't eat it/ don't want it/aren't hungry (memorable family incidents include her producing a three-course meal for visiting American cousins who had just dropped in to say hello while actually on their way to a restaurant meal, which she knew, and another time when someone nearly missed a flight because she disappeared into the kitchen to make scones when all they wanted was a cup of tea) because it would 'look mean' otherwise.

Ditto offering small portions, even if specifically requested, and she will then be upset if you pick at it. Because she doesn't in fact believe that some people don't have sweet tooths (teeth?) or small appetites, and she will assume you are putting your presumed diet above your social obligation to eat whatever she's made.

but she's British through and through and Brits are wasteful people

Offensive and racist.

Brits aren't a race, are they?

I get this a lot too. I eat what I want and if I'm full I leave it. I have a healthy appetite but know when to stop.

In the end I snapped and thought 'sod it' if they can be rude enough to comment I can be rude enough to reply 'what's it got to do with you!?'. I was mortally embarrassed afterwards and still cringe now...but no comment was ever passed again.

Maybe a term used erroneously but I think you know what I mean. To generalise that way is never helpful.

I'm in the US and we try not to be wasteful in my family. I don't think any one country/people should be lumped together as 'wasteful'.

In our family, though, food is love. My grandmother, mother, and aunties weren't the type to say 'I love you' out loud but every morsel they put on your plate was their way of saying it. And when you cleaned your plate you were saying it right back. It could be that your MiL feels the same and you not finishing your plate seems to her a rejection of her affection.

I think a lot of it had to do with growing up in the depression in the US and I know that Britain suffered deprivation during and after WWII. My mother's family weren't dirt poor, they had enough to eat, but food wasn't abundant. Perhaps your MiL has a similar 'legacy' and the 'need to feed' has been passed down to your MiL from her own mother.

Is there any way you could start helping her dish up the food and dish your own plate with smaller portions? Perhaps slide some of it onto your DH's plate?

I agree, I think it is a generation thing. I think it's unhealthy though to not listen to your body and just force things to clear the plate, it's MIL problem to get over and to start serving smaller portions.

It's lovely to be invited to other people's houses to eat and I'm not fussy about food but I can't be doing with it when people dump an overflowing plate in front of me. Serving dishes all the way here, far more civilised and sociable. We have an older South African friend who always a little tiny bit on her plate even if she's had seconds and it's often made me wonder is it some reverse of the British thinking,ie that it's ok to leave a bit to show that you're not so desperate that you need to scrape the pattern off the plate?

My DM used to behave as if food=love. If you reject her food, you are rejecting her love, and she would get quite huffy and upset. I pointed this out to her, and she (thankfully) took it well, and changed her attitude.

I remember my now ex-MIL told my then-boyfriend's sister that I ate like a bird and they both mocked me for eating a "baby portion" in fact they went on about it so much I finally had enough and turned and looked them both up and down and said, "well at least I can wear a size 10-12 which is a normal size for my height"

I felt a total bitch though but my bf told me that I did the best thing as they never mentioned my appetite ever again.

I can't even look at a size 10-12 now