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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have an age appropriate sex talk with dd who is almost 7?

26 replies

ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 18:27

Dd has a very good understanding for her age but one thing we've really struggled with us the subject of masturbation in public, I know that's not what she sees it as because if her age but just using correct terms rather than faffing round sugar coating it (dd calls it rubbing)

I've had various teachers approach me as she rubs on chairs at school, I've had various conversations about how it's fine and natural for that to feel nice but she needs to do it in a private place and not at school. We have been to the doctors to rule out thrush, worms or any underlying issues and she us just rubbing because it feels nice.

I've tried to explain again to her today that while its fine for it to feel nice it's not ok in public and as she doesn't know why it feels nice she doesn't understand why she can't do it at school sighs.

its been a long road and I'm at a loss as what to do next. She will be 7 soon and goes to juniors next year.

I've tried being more firm, I've tried having long drawn out discussions.
Any ideas what I could say or do to help explain everything? She already knows about period and where babies grow, where they come out of etc.

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BarbarianMum · 18/11/2015 18:34

How much if a problem is it - as in, how often is it happening? With my sons, I explained it a couple of times when they were younger, since when the occasional sharp (and also discrete if we are out and about) instruction to "stop fiddling" seems to do it.

At the end of the day, a big long explanation isn't necessary, any more than for nose picking or not weeing in public. Its a private thing and needs to be done privately. And - like nose picking- the occasional lapse us to be expected.

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 18:36

It's not something she does at home in front of me or Dh, she only does it at school while she's concentrating usually so I'm not there to remind her.

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Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 18:39

She will come home from school and if I ask if she's has a nice day she will often say yes mummy but I forgot not to do rubbing again. I'm just at a loss as she obviously understands that she's not supposed to be doing it. She's such a good girl, no trouble from her at all so she's not usually a deliberate rule breaker.

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BarbarianMum · 18/11/2015 18:40

Oh, well I wouldn't worry too much then. Maybe suggest to the teacher to remind her/the class to 'sit still' or 'stop wriggling' if they are finding it a problem (although why they haven't thought of that themselves I don't know).

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 18:44

Thanks barbarian I wonder what age she's going to stop and worry the other kids will start teasing her although I'm sure at 6 they're all still quite oblivious.

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PrincessHairyMclary · 18/11/2015 18:45

Some people use it as a form of stress relief. As she doesn't do it at home could she be feeling anxious at school?

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 18:48

I have wondered about that but she seems so happy and in a recent parents meeting the teacher had nothing but good things to say about her work and friendships but mentioned the rubbing and asked if we had spoken to her about it.
Teacher wasn't much help to be honest and looked embarrassed just for bringing it up.
I asked her if she was happy at school and she said she is.

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VestalVirgin · 18/11/2015 18:59

YANBU. Girls enter puberty younger and younger. It is absolutely okay to give some explanations. Not because of her behaviour but because she should know.

Though I would struggle with explaining why, exactly, masturbation in public is not okay, other than "It is a private thing".

Have you tried telling her to go to the bathroom to do it instead of doing it in class?

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 19:08

I'd rather she wasn't doing it at school at all as I have no idea how often she's doing it and wouldn't want her in and out of the loos all day.

Any ideas what would be age appropriate and how to go about the conversation at this age? I'm a bit lost for words. My own mum never had 'the talk' with me and I found out a lot from friends and don't want that for dd.

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Sighing · 18/11/2015 19:09

^^ I'd focus on where it is OK (her room, bathroom).

Floisme · 18/11/2015 19:21

Oh this really takes me back. I remember my son doing this on the front row of the school Christmas concert. He was either 5 or 6.

It went on for a while. We tried the 'it's something you do when you're by yourself' talk over and over - no difference. I used to dread seeing his teacher Blush

However, he's 17 now and I promise, he did grow out of it and before he moved to junior school. So please don't worry, I'm sure you'll remember this one day and laugh.

CrohnicallyAspie · 18/11/2015 19:28

I wonder if she's doing it just out of habit, something about the school chairs that prompts her to do it. In which case would something like a cushion to make the chair feel different help?

Mari50 · 18/11/2015 19:39

My dd masturbates and has done since she was about 9-10months old, she calls it 'her little thing' which did make it easier to discuss when and where was appropriate after finding her wriggling on the floor in marks and spencers. I just explained that it was something for bedtime/naptime essentially - she typically does it when she's bored or when she's tired (like the rest of us I guess).
Your daughter sounds a little less aware of when & why she's doing it though so I guess that might make it more difficult to get her to break the habit. I really do sympathise, especially as you won't want your dd to feel bad about masturbating. Maybe there is a boredom element of it at school? As I said my dd turns to it when she's bored. I'd try and get the teachers to distract her whenever they see her starting, she'll soon figure out it's futile trying to 'rub' at school if she's not allowed to finish. Good luck.

dangerrabbit · 18/11/2015 19:53

Sounds a bit weird but can you give her something to distract her fingers with? A stress ball, a favourite pen to take into school, even a piece of blu-tack to play with?

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 20:02

sighing I have tried being specific about where is ok for her to do it to no avail unfortunately.

Thank you Floisme that story made me laugh I really needed that Grin

Crohn I could try the cushion but don't want to single her out over it and make her feel like she's being treated differently iyswim but I could ask her teacher, do you think it might be worth sending her in with something else to concentrate on like a little stress ball? That could help if it's anxiety or boredom, or habit?

Thanks Mari it could be boredom, she flies through her work and does seem to find some of the lessons not enough of a challenge so maybe I should speak to the teacher about that?

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Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 18/11/2015 20:03

Dangerrabbit you must have been reading my mind as I was writing my post Grin

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AliceInUnderpants · 18/11/2015 20:08

Its if you want to go down the stress ball type route, look up fidget or tangle toys for autism/adhd. There are a whole host of these type of things that I can almost guarantee other children in her class will be using and that the school may be able to provide for her.

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2015 20:33

TBH if she's doing it at school it's the teacher's problem as your DD needs to be told to stop it at the time, not hours later.

The teacher shouldn't be embarrassed as it's a really common problem (it's just that it's less discreet when it's girls. Boys just constantly have their hands in their pockets) and she doesn't need to draw anyone else's attention to it when she's speaking to your DD.

MumOfGorgeousness · 18/11/2015 20:58

I'd suggest having a chat. I don't want to cause worry but a girl at my school did something similar and was teased for it. I wouldn't like your daughter to have the same problems with the other children so I'd say it's best to try and stop her doing it now. Gently, of course.

CrohnicallyAspie · 18/11/2015 21:09

I've known children sit on cushions/mats for other reasons so it wouldn't necessarily single her out. And yes to the fidget toys, lots of children (and I!) use them to give our minds something to focus on so if it's boredom it might work.

Though it did occur to me, perhaps the teacher would be better off calling your DD over on some pretext (DD can you take this message/put this in the drawer over there for me/sharpen my pencil please?) if she notices your DD rubbing, by getting your Dd up out of her seat that's likely to me more effective than asking her/the class to sit still.

steppingout · 19/11/2015 10:03

At a similar age, my SD used to do this quite a lot at home and occasionally out, although it wasn't brought up as an issue at school. A year on, and she has stopped (at least, I'm sure she still does it, just not when we can see her), so hopefully your DD will get there too! Can't remember exactly how it was phrased, but along the lines of while it was perfectly healthy and natural to do it and everyone does, doing something that's nice just for you while there are other people there can make them feel a bit uncomfortable. Similar to if there's a game that only you want to play then save it for when you're not in the middle of doing something as a group. It took a bit of repetition - she just 'forgot' every so often - but did get there eventually. It helped that we could remind her when she did it though, so a bit more support from the teacher as others have suggested might be helpful - such as the asking her to get things as above that don't draw explicit attention to it.

GloGirl · 19/11/2015 10:47

The NSPCC has a lot of 'pants are private ' info which Ive heard can be useful in this kind of situation too.

Nataleejah · 19/11/2015 11:32

Keep it simple. Rubbing, just like picking nose in public -- is inappropriate.

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheCakes · 21/11/2015 09:16

R thanks for sharing your experiences, I found one of the posters online aimed at children with autism and she seemed to understand that a bit more, it's little drawings with simple words of where is and isn't ok and she seems to have understood. Smile

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Oysterbabe · 21/11/2015 10:47

Gosh I really had no idea that young children did this. Good luck getting it sorted.